ashamed, but I'm back
 

I stopped coming around here a couple months ago. I managed to put together a couple of weeks without booze. I felt great. Then I went back to it, I think because it seemed so foreign to feel good. I felt HAPPY! That was weird. I think some part of me doesn't believe I deserve to be happy.

I started my new job in early April. I like it much better than what I was doing before. I've been working out nearly every day. But every evening I go home and have 3-4 cocktails. Some evenings many many more. The past two days I went on a big binge. 2 bottles of vodka. this morning I am paying the price: shaky, a little nauseous, and just plain sad and disgusted with myself.

I'm back. I'm embarrassed. I keep saying that this time it will be different. But I won't give up. Some little part of me does think that I deserve to be happy and healthy.

Keep coming back :)

This is not a place to be judged. We will keep you honest but that's not judgement.

I understand what you mean. I relapsed yesterday and part of what I realize this morning is that I got overwhelmingly uncomfortable with myself. Being happy is scary.

Welcome back. Glad you are here.

You will stop when stopping is what you really want. It is hard to know when we mean it enough but when we do it will be something that just is. Not something that we will look for.

Ken

Lilac! I am sooo glad you are back! Please come back to our FeBruary thread! You're missed! We.need you! :ghug3

Welcome back Lilac. No need to be embarrassed, we all go through this.

I found it helped me to just think of my alcohol abuse in terms of addiction rather than something that is caused by external things or feelings. I didn't think I deserved to be happy either, but really I think that was just my additive voice talking.

What are your plans for staying sober this time? x

Thanks everyone. It is reassuring that no matter how many times I screw up, I can come back and be supported.
I don't know what my plan is. In the past, I did AA meetings. Sometimes that helped, other times it did more harm (many people giving different and often conflicting advice). I have trouble sticking to anything. I have trouble making decisions. And I am easily influenced and constantly questioning myself. I don't know. Guess I better pick some method of getting and staying sober and stick with it.

What worked for me was finding one person that had done the steps as laid out in the Big Book and asking him to take me through them. And he did. I just looked for someone that was happy and talked about the steps in meetings...The solution....And asked him. That's the only person I followed directions from.

Sapling, that is really good advice. There are two women in my local group that I really respect and admire. Sadly, they attend the noon meetings. I don't think either of them go to the 3 evening meetings there are each week and with my new job I can't get to the noon group. I'll make it work.

You don't have to go to the same meeting with them. You meet them when you can and use your phone when you need to. You have to do the work...They are there to help you.

hi lilac, welcome home!

I used to find myself freaking out at 30, 60, 90. I think it was the sense that I was losing sight of a familiar shore...even though it was a lousy shore, it was one I knew. I wasn't sure I was up to swimming all the way to the new shore and learning the new language, customs etc.

i'd get so far, look back and think...awww, maybe it's not SO bad...yeah right.

It got better for me. I have learned how to handle many aspects of life clean, I gain confidence. I do my recovery work, make new habits, etc.

I personally needed to stop counting days, because they caused me to freak, still do. I get caught up in the wrong kind of thinking. It has to do with my childhood and my mom being a nut for perfection...that's the thinking that got me using/drinking in the first place. For many people those milestones and chips are a badge of honor etc, but for me, they just felt scary. Weird.

I love this analogy, thanks:)

I keep hearing at meetings that relapse is a part of recovery and just keep coming back and that's what I keep doing...good luck!!!

Welcome back. This definitely isn't the place to be judged(as someone previously posted). One thing I see as a pattern is that usually people get some sober days behind them and then start living with the security that they're fixed. I think for us, we gotta stick around our support groups. We gotta keep coming back to the things that got us here, I even fell victim of straying too far from this website, and even distancing myself from friends that helped me in my early days of sobriety. Gotta keep that base, remember where you came from, remember who helped drag you out of the mud.

welcome back lilac :)
I'm glad you found your way back.

I like Thresholds analogy too - that new shore is scary - but there's a lot of people here who'll help you get there and acclimatise

D

Glad you are back. I don't go to AA, but I read the Big Book and I then understood the power of surrender. It really helped me.

I have some 20 years relapse experience so I make no judgements at all - but if I learned anything in that time it's that relapse is a part of addiction, not a part of recovery.

It's not being harsh - I really think it's important for people to know, and recognise, the difference.

D

Thanks for making that clear Dee....I also think that that the amount of relapses is directly connected to the amount of effort you put into your revovery. What I'm saying is...Whatever method of recovery you are using....The more you commit yourself to it...The better your chances are to avoid it.

I definitely agree with relapse not being part of recovery. And Sapling you are correct about committing oneself to a method of recovery.

One thing that Dee often asks people like me is "what are you going to do differently this time?" For me, that goes right along with what Sapling said about committing to a method of recovery.

THAT is where the problem is for me. I have been ambivalent about what recovery path to take. I have been somewhat successful with AA. In 2008, I had a few months sober. I worked the steps, went to 3 meetings a week, talked to a sponsor daily, prayed every morning...and I felt absolutely completely exhausted. There was no time for anything else. I went back to drinking when my sponsor told me I wasn't doing enough. In retrospect I should have gotten a new sponsor.

Now here I am and I keep going back to AA meetings but I'm not at all sure that it's the path for me. I love the spiritual aspect of AA, but there are things that I really dislike. My plan for this time is to not let myself think that there is only one method of recovery that works for everyone. I will choose a recovery path and commit fully to it.

I just have two questions for you...Only because I'm curious.

What parts of it do you dislike?

And if your sponsor said you weren't doing enough...How many steps did you work?

Maybe it isn't the path for you...You only get out of AA what you put into it. I would imagine that is true with any recovery program.

I think whatever path you choose lilac, recovery needs to come first.

I think of my recovery as the point on which the entire rest of my life balances - it's that important.

No sobriety and I stand to lose everything else important to me.

I think it's natural to feel a little exhausted in the beginning to be honest - but it should be that good kind of exhaustion you get after a full days work and a lot of accomplishment :)

D