Well I'm back :(
 

So here I am again, 3days sober. I had a complete and total relapse/breakdown starting late last year when I was diagnosed with an early form of cervical cancer. I completely fell back into drinking, actually very quickly, and was drinking all day long. Needless to say, during this time I lost my job as I showed up for work drunk. I am completely ashamed and am trying my hardest to stay sober, even though I am very depressed right now and would literally kill for a drink, but I know it'll kill me. I had surgery for the cancer and then a couple of days ago got the news it is not all gone so I have to undergo further treatment. I didn't drink that night and have not since-that was wed. Something has to break before I do.
The last Tuesday I was having seriously suicide thoughts and called an inpatient rehab-but didn't go to the appointment. My daughter is 5, and I could never be that selfish. I feel mildly better today, but very overwhelmed at the moment with everything. I was dry heaving on thurs which is why I know it has gone too far-it didn't just sneak back up on me, it crushed me full force worse than ever before. I went to a meeting tonight just am having sleeping issues right now. The early weeks are hardest for me, I just can't believe I threw my sobriety away like that. It was literally five days drunk all day, two days off, rinse and repeat. Sorry just had to vent somewhere. I'm feeling pretty alone right now, but thank god for my daughter.

Prayers sent your way. And vent here anytime without any apology. :)

I know the feeling. AA helped more than I could really describe. My life has changed as has my outlook on most of the rest of the world. I have my bad days....and things kick my butt from time to time but it's NOTHING like it used to be.

It's definitely worth checking into

(FWIW, I wasn't always an AA cheerleader...lol. I HATED it before I got there and for several months of meetings. That changed pretty quickly once I got more engaged in the recovery process than just doing to meetings.

Hi, akazia. I'm really glad you pulled yourself out of that nosedive. I think it's great you came back here. I worry about any thoughts of suicide though. Do you think it might be worth calling a hotline, seeing what kind of referrals they have? Seems like nothing to lose but a few minutes... here's some info: Colorado Suicide & Crisis Hotlines - When You Feel You Can't Go On... Call a Suicide Hotline. / SuicideHotlines.com - Direction for immediate crisis intervention for the gravely suicidal & treatment for major clinical suicidal depression.

You haven't thrown your past sobriety away. That's yours forever. And now you're back again. That's what matters most. Hang in there, OK?
:grouphug:

welcome back akazia :)

I'm really sorry for your cancer news - I hope you'll soon be able to say you have the all clear :)

I know times like this are frightening - but I'm not sure drinking helps - the fear is still then when you sober up - and you have all the other consequences to deal with as well....

& it's ironic really - at the very time we should be taking the best care of our health, we give our body a beating...

I'm really glad you're back - I hope you can make this a turning point :)

You'll find a ton of support here :)

D

I know, it's all here right now, I'm still up at 1am just crying for no reason. I'm sure it's just all the flippin emotions I kept bottled up over the last five/six months or so that are coming out finally. It's okay though, I'm alright with it. I got a call from another friend tonight that also has dealt with some major relapses and they called me out of the blue. Was actually kind of nice...we both want to stay sober this time around. I can't beat my body up anymore, it's not going to make things any better for me.

Glad you are back and hope you will feel better soon.

Thanks, made some fspicy fish soup tonight, finished painting my daughters room, and got a ton of books from the library to read. I have to read or I will never sleep at night lol. If I'm not drinking I'm reading. It's when the books become overdue and I get late fines that represents a drinking binge for me...as they just sit there on the floor cause I am drinking myself to sleep!
Not crying today, sun came out, pool is open so I'm actually pretty happy. Life is good, but I'm coming up on four or five nights not drinking which is when I have been falling back. Hopefully not this time...you may see me on here late at night!

I love your love of books. Books have saved my soul so many times. :)

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better and that you reconnected with your friend. I will send prayers for your health problem too.

I'm glad you're back. So am I, after a few month hiatus. (((HUGS)))

Hold on! I know sometimes it is so much easier to say then to actually do. But, I am so proud of you... and I am going to message you my phone number. If you ever want to talk. Call anytime day or night. It sometimes helps just to have another voice on the other end of the line. I am almost 6 months sober and I could not have done it without the help of someone else who picked up the phone at my lowest point.

Saliena

Thanks, I will definitely put that number in my phone. I'm doing okay right now, not drinking tonight. I had to get some cat food for my cat Chauncy and of course the liquor store is right next to the gas station...that was the time an urge crossed my mind that was fairly strong and alarmed me so I quickly drove home before it got to me.
The weather has been nice so went swimming with my daughter and went to the gym. Since I am not fully employed right now I have no excuse not to go to an AA meeting so I will do that this week. Doing okay though, just tired and sleeping a lot, but that always seems to happen to me for the first month or two after I quit drinking-also insane crazy dreams lol. Have a good night everyone

Hi akazia so sorry your going through this. Stick close to the forum for plenty of good advice and support. Prayers sent your way.

I put AA meetings at the top of my list. There is nothing more important. Without AA and sobriety everything else will disappear anyway (job, family, self-worth etc) .

All the best in your recovery.

Bob R

True....I already lost my job and a lot of my self worth. Family is still there, but I hate to worry them any more than I already have. I have a hard time asking for help. Funny thing is that I almost begged my family to let me go to rehab and they turned me down as they don't think it's that bad. They're completely in denial when I try to tell them.

Hey akazia21....thanks for posting here. I have read your posts with interest. You and i are in similar situations career wise as I am unemployed as well. I did start with a new company yesterday (plumbing), but they let me go as I did not get as much completed as they had hoped....it was a bit of a blow to my confidence, but i did not and will not drink over it. To do so would only make me more unemployable, and I nor my wife needs that.....I hope you stay strong for you and your daughters sake....take care and hope to see more of you here on SR...

((akazia)) Sending love and support your way. I'm sorry for all you've been through. You are worth getting well.

Please don't kill yourself
 

You have a daughter that depends on you. Baby steps...you can do it. Keep posting as we are here to listen and NOT judge.