Change4good

I need to check in with this great community. I relapsed. I had two glasses of champagne on Mother's Day at a beautiful French restaurant with my husband and kids. It didn't progress beyond this, and we had a great day at the zoo afterwards.

But the desire to drink in the evenings is returning, and I act upon it. I continue to excel at work, continue to serve as room parent at pre-school, take care of my kids and cuddle and kiss them before I drink.

But as we all know, high functioning alcoholics are not fooling anyone. The levy breaks at some point, and it isn't pretty. I lived the fall-out as a kid. I don't want that for my children.

Wishing you all well this evening.

Dee74

I'm glad you came back C4G
whats your plan to get back into recovery?

D

Anna

I'm glad you came back and posted and that you recognize what a slippery slope this is.

Do you why you decided to drink on Mother's Day? It might help you to figure out what triggered you to drink so next time you can avoid it.

Change4good

Yes Dee, I was anticipating that you would ask me about my plan. And I have one. For now, it doesn't involve AA, for reasons that make sense perhpas only to me. I have great respect for AA, and know that it has been a life saver for many. I know that many would not have found sobriety without it.

That said, for now, it is not for me.

I don't have a problem staying sober when I am pregnant, nursing, working on great projects, committed to working out and training for events. But circumstances such as these shouldn't compel someone to stay sober. It has to be something deeper, an understanding that I have a different relationship with alcohol than other people. As much as I want to enjoy that lovely glass of champagne (and think I am *normal* because I was able to stop), I can't do it. My body, mind, and spirit deserve better.

So for my plan. . .remind myself of the joy I felt being 29 days free of alcohol, take a critical look at why I decided to return, and enlist the help of a counselor and spend some time in the secular forum.

Deserto

Hi Change, sorry to hear about your slip but glad you are back. You wrote:

Something that was said to me the other day that I think might be helpful to you: also take a critical look at when you decided to return. More than likely it was days or weeks before you sat down for that Mother's Day brunch.

You also wrote:

I don't think those are just circumstances. I think those are periods when our lives have purpose, which I'm coming to think is a primary requisite to maintaining sobriety.

In any case -- good luck to you and keep posting!

Dee74

I think that's a good start

Recovery comes in a lot of different forms - if AA's not for you, ok - that certainly doesn't mean you can't work on your recovery and get better

D

Zencat

I see you have a good plan to stay sober. I know people that have had a dreadful case of alcoholism recover with much less of a plan.

I encourage you to keep exploring your personal relationship with alcohol and keep finding solutions that that fit your particular needs to stay sober.

Hevyn

The levy breaks at some point. Wise words, and I know you can heed them.

Soberween

Next time you are in the same type scenario do the old "play the tape all the way through." Pretend you have already drank those two glasses of champagne and now what? Yea, you get to crave alcohol the rest of the day. Actually "not yea" at all. That is a horrible, crappy feeling that I never want to experience again and I doubt you do either. You can do this! Good luck to you.

Zebra1275

high functioning alcoholics are not fooling anyone.

Actually, I think they are.

If someone thinks they are a HFA they are only fooling themselves.

In my opinion there is no such thing as a high functioning alcoholic. I thought I was one for years, in the end I found out I wasn't. The progressive nature of this disease guarantees that.

Sapling

Welcome back Change4good....Glad you're back!

instant

C4G

I do not go to AA. Nevertheless the Big Book is an easy read, and easy to relate to and ........free online. It helped me to understand the power of unconditional surrender.

Leemzer

C4G,
I am so glad to see you back. I was wondering where you have been.

I think ultimately you answered your own question about ultimately knowing where this will lead. All attempts by all of us to drink moderately always fail. I have finally realized this. And up until the point we do, we start to overanalyze it and almost set it up to be that way.

Your 29 days were precious and you can step off the drinking train at any day. Don't let it fool you into thinking that you have to continue just because you have relapsed. You do not. You came back here for a reason, and I believe it is your sensibility that is telling you in your heart where this is going to lead....you can catch yourself before you arrive at the darker path that will knock you and your self esteem down several notches. You don't want to be there. You know well that place, as do all of us.

When I began on this forum you were always a source for a kind word. Let us be that strength for you now. Whenever you read this, just make a commitment to not have another drink from that day forward. Come on here every day. Post. Share your wisdom and heart. Stop drinking with us!!!

Big hugs,
lee

stillsleeping

Yeah, me an Lee are here and waiting hun! I'm crazy about your energy and your warmth, and I'm glad like hell you came back.

Like you know, I'm staying sober with SR and a stubborn-as-sht attitude - if I can make it work, you sure as h*ll can too

PM me any time sweetie - and get your butt onto the threads, a LOT.

xxx

Change4good

I typed a few words, and then had to clear the tears from my laptop. I turned it off to let it dry. I logged back on, now composed and steady.

Thanks for the kind posts.

When I read what people contribute to threads ( be it to mine or others) I am always struck by the compassion and wise words offered to everyone. I return here often because it seems we are able to pool our collective wisdom and call upon it as needed.

I am taking this weekend to rest and recover. My hope is to revisit SR on Monday morning, and welcome the newbies, celebrate those in recovery, and offer words to people who are struggling.

Thanks again friends, for welcoming me back.

Sapling

That's awesome C4G...Good to have you back.