Dee74

I agree its not useful to beat ourselves up but I think it can be useful to look at why we make the choices we do.

I used to make a lot of choices on autopilot. That meant nothing much changed.

I really hope what you saw last night will help you start to make different decisions because that's where recovery started for me

D

Fdm

Thanks Dee.

thesun

oops hangover free, not sober free!

Leemzer

FDM, I totally agree with Dee on this one. This is why my changes are so markedly different this time around instead of at the end of March when I tried then relapsed 29 days or so later. If you listen, you will hear your inner voice telling you "something" that will give you clues to your actions. Then you direct THOSE voices what to do with the sober, rational you. I truly, deep in my heart, believe that is the core of having a plan and being in recovery versus merely stopping the act of drinking itself. You will find out all sorts of triggers and things we all do on autopilot that then will be less of a mystery. Pick right back up with us and carry on. You have been great to have on the board with us!! Wishing strength to you. Owning up to it was big for you...not so easy for me.

HitRockBottom70--I agree with 2M on her response. You will notice MANY changes in those first few weeks. I am on day 16 today and the difference from day 1 is ASTOUNDING, but it is also a big difference from week one to today. Really notice these changes. They are ways you are getting your life back in order. Enjoy each one and relish in the fact that you are treating yourself well!!! 2 Magnolias: As usual, your advice is always spot-on.

TheSun: Man, I am proud of you with the double digits. You must feel amazing. The tone of your posts is even changing and you seem so proud! I was mainly a binge drinker as well, and if you can do what you are doing and rack up a few of these weekends under your belt, before you know it you will REFUSE to throw that away. You inspire me and always have such encouraging words for others. Keep it UP! =)

So day 16 for me, everyone. Last night was an incredible night. Had a fun with the wife and family and inlaws and kids crawling the place. Cooked everyone amazing food from the grill and we had such good conversations. I have become so much more observant lately. I am realizing just how FEW of the people I love drink excessively at our age (41). Most of my very close friends and family are VERY moderate to even light drinkers.

A few months ago I would have been REALLY pissed and jealous about that, guys. Now I am not. The whole reason I picked up that first glass of wine after 10 months of sobriety from January 5, 2010 until Thanksgiving 2010 was I was determined I had proved I could moderate, but even more so that I DESERVED a glass of wine for Thanksgiving, of all times. But right when I had that glass I had another and my wife just looked nervously at me but said nothing. I stopped there that night but could easily have had 2 bottles. It angered me that I had to stop and moderate. Those 2 glasses were like vipers in a bottle.

I think, truly, that if most of us were able to moderate that it would run us crazy. The counting and thinking about social events and, "When was the last time I drank?", and "I should slow down, I popped this beer like 4 minutes ago."......all of that? Not worth it? All of that = signs of a problem. We just all need to set it down and walk on and be free....

I discussed very briefly last night since it was family that I had quit drinking. I finally said the words. Everyone just had the kindest smiles. I asked for feedback and everyone said the exact same thing: "You were never loud or unkind, but there was just something different about your drinking. It's like you are a LATENT alcoholic or something, and what happens in life is going to determine what will be the ultimate outcome." I shared with them that I had already figured that out on my own, and that if they knew the true inner me (which I keep very private), they would understand that I was very much an alcoholic, didn't need other words to dress it up....but they DID use the A word, not "problem drinker" or any variation.

This is a journey, folks, and this is about taking our lives back. Let us all do this together. You all have been an integral part of my recovery and will continue to do so. I will do my part of posting every day I can and also helping current and new and future members here. We ARE a family here at SR and I have no doubt that you guys have helped me in my recovery. The fact that I am not alone means the world to me.....and there is much strength in our numbers, and goodness in all of our hearts.

When my wife and I got in bed last night she surprised me with a little gift certificate to a bed and breakfast in Savannah for TONIGHT. We love to go there sometimes to get away It is only a couple of hours away but it feels like escaping. My sister that came over last night and brother-in-law are going to keep the kids while we go away and just have a nice dinner and walk the streets. I am excited and even though I am not a huge fan of spontaneity, I am pleasantly surprised by this. My wife is so beautiful and is a real rock for me and always my biggest fan. I seem to continue to surprise her over and over and that is a plus for as long as we have been a couple when younger then married......

Everyone have a really nice Saturday and pat yourselves on the back. We are all working our butts off here and we ARE receiving the benefits here.

Take care and I look forward to catching up with you guys tomorrow!!!
lee

Payton

Just a quick post - I work all weekend, so fortunately that keeps me totally occupied. I am onto day 5. I don't think I've done 5 days sober since the first few months when my daughter was a newborn. Wow. I know I am an alcoholic...I get it now. That is really huge for me. I realized last night and felt completely horrified...but here I today it's not even 8 am and I'm up and at the grocery store. Amazing. I have a ton to say and need to catch up on posts but I am gonna make a nice bfast for my family and then work until 8pm so hopefully I will tonight. Have a great day everyone!

Fdm

Thanks Leezmer. I have enjoyed cheering for everyone's success here! Time to get back to it.

chiyo

Day 1 again. The urge to drink was just too strong last night and like a weak little person I gave in. I am sad/embarrassed/dissapointed/angry. So I've been sitting here thinking, what if this is it? What if this is how my life is supposed to be? Drinking a gallon of vodka every day, throwing up the next morning for hours until I can drink again? I've tried AA and that didn't work out, I've tried quitting many many many times and to tell you the truth I am sick and tired of trying with no results no matter how hard I fight.

I'm not sure anymore, the one thing I know for sure is that I would rather end it all then have my children watch me drink myself to death. Not that I would do that right now but the thought has crossed my mind. I am frustrated and lost and have no will to fight left in me. There has got to be something that I can do, what I've been doing so far has obviously not worked. Pity party over.

Deserto

Hi Chiyo, sorry to hear that you're struggling. You can beat this, but I think for many people it's a combination lock that we have to figure out. What else have you tried in the past besides AA?

2magnolias

Call the National Suicide Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

This is not just a number you call when you're on the rooftop and fixin' to jump, it's number you call to talk to trained counselors about having "no fight left in you."

They're not there to simply convince folks that life is worth living, they're there because they've talked to a ZILLION people just like us and know exactly which direction to point us in.

And if you haven't talked to your doctor yet...do so at the first available time!

I have been where you are. In January after about 15 quit attempts since August of last year, I was really thinking for several weeks that I was just destined to be a drunk, that it was simply in the cards for me to drink, be hungover at work, recover for a day, and do it all over again. Figured I was maintaining this lifestyle somewhat and that folks have been doing it for certuries. I really, really, just gave in, accepted my lot in life, and continued to drink. Then something happened....after a few weeks I realized that I just couldn't accept that and that life had more to offer, and that I had more to offer life. Then I found SR.

There is light. You must find someone who can point it out to you if you can't find it yourself.

HitRockBottom70

I never met a drunk who had just gotten done binging who does not feel shame, guilt, worthless and that the world may be better without them. This is the alcohol talking. Don't let it have that conversation with you again. Of course you don't want your kids to see you drink yourself to death. So do whatever you need to to make this a reality. I believe you were on day 4 or 5 right? Those were my worst days and I know I could have slipped up. This time remember the feeling you have today and decide you don't want to feel that way again, ever. There are many on this site with incredible insight into what we are now and will be going through. Glad you are ready to stay with us. We are here for you.

Leemzer- great post. You give me strength. I am smiling just thinking about how happy you are right now.

2magnolias-You have so much wisdom and insight and it comes across beautifully.

TheSun- You give me hope. You can feel the power you have gained through your posts.

And to all my just about 1 week brothers and sisters, good job to all. My hand is in the air with a diet coke, "Here's to us, we made it through the first leg of our journey. Let's keep it going, together!"

Easyrider

Hi dudes, day 2 just checking in been fine so far if a little shaky and the odd craving. But I know exactly how my brain is thinking. "hey this is easy, maybe you don't have a problem at all, go on might as well have a little drink eh?" haha yeah right! That said, I've never made it passed day 3. The cravings kick in big style. But not this time! Not with you lovely people here. Hope everyone else is doing well. Enjoy your sober saturday! x

2magnolias

hitrock : thank you so very much.

easyrider: YOU CAN DOO ET! sit online all day and night if you have to and surf the web....and keep SR open in another window!

use the search function at SR and look up anything you're thinking about....early sobriety....cravings......one week sober....anxiety.....strength...read the heck out of other people's postings.....and before you know it, it will be day 3 and it will be a tiny bit easier than the day before.

there are MILLIONS of people around the world in our boat....and MILLIONS just like us who have struggled and overcome.

there is reason to hope and look ahead.

FrenchPink

Ha, ha! We've got your back, thesun. I know what you meant. Congrats on Day 13.

So glad you're here with us again, Fdm. I was missing your posts.

Chiyo, so happy you're posting with us, too. 2Mags has great advice. We're all here with the same weakness for drinking to excess, so you're not alone. We're all pulling for you.

Have a super Saturday, sober supporters!

FrenchPink

Thanks for staying on top of my sobriety goals, GB, and kicking me in the pants to keep going. I've made it through to an early victory on Day 7. Plans in place, so much to accomplish. If I can get through the rest of today, it will be the first sober weekend in many months.


Sending out a tiny S.O.S. to my Class of May buddies: Any words of wisdom to help me stay strong through tonight?

YVRguy

Glad to see a lot of folks either staying sober or getting back on their sobriety. This is not easy stuff and take a lot of effort to get and then stay on the path. Heck I can't even count the times I have slipped up over the past 10 years.....but it wasn't last night or last week and being off the roller coaster makes life approachable.

Chiyo , 2M and HRB are right and get support wherever you can. The first days are toughest for sure. Alcohol is a serious depressant and I know myself well enough to know in my first few days I won't think clearly and feel very sad , embarrassed ( yet again), guilty etc. and wonder if I have the fight left in me or does it all end here. This will change given time and this can be the last time you ever need to go through this. Life on its terms can be tough but wow , we can make it a lot tougher when we use and it takes a lot of strength to pull ourselves up but you can do it.

Call support lines and see a Dr as they can help you through this. Heck my Dr knows I fight this. Luckily her disposition is that this is a medical condition and going through withdrawal can be very complicated even fatal for some. Most Dr will treat this as such and you may find some strength right there and then. As you can tell by all the folks on SR , we are not alone.

That inner voice can be a really trickster for sure. "One won't hurt..." well....it always starts with one. It likes a lot of misery to keep it company too, our misery.

Grateful I am able to play the tape to the end all this week and see how things will go once that first drink line is crossed......I don't want that again. I have enough other items to deal with in life , being drunk and then all the work to stave off withdrawal is simply too much work and has such a high price. I can't afford that price any more but for today , I will worry about today and making a sober one.

gunther84

Hello everyone here...I didnt post much in the last few days as I have been rather busy. I found a job and I begin on Monday, so I am encouraged by that. its not exactly what I think I deserve (wink, wink), but it will do until something better comes along.

I wish everyone here on SR the best......especially chiyo...keep your head up and try to not drink just today. Nothing changes unless something changes and for chronic alcoholics like you and I that means not drinking first and foremost. If this hopeless drunk could do it, you can as well.....

HitRockBottom70

I have no words of wisdom for you, only my support. We are in the same boat. I have loved reading your posts and I wish you success this weekend. The weekends I have off are the time I binged as well. We can get through this together my May sister.:ghug3

RoryGallagher

Hi Everyone! Day 23 now. Ran into some of the drinking comrades having a smoke outside the pub I used to booze at while I was walking to the gym last night. Told the bartender I'd been dry the last 3 weeks, and with a smile he said they'd wondered where I'd been and jokingly said "well, when you want to get wet again come on in!" They were celebrating someone's birthday and already 3 sheets to the wind.

The good thing is it wasn't weird at all telling them that and they were cool with it. These were guys used to seeing me a sloppy mess at 3 AM on a weeknight, and understand a 41 yr old guy going through a few personal crises wanting to get off the sauce.

And I can say with 100% conviction that being sober has helped enormously with coping with some extremely stressful things I've been going through, business/financially and with my divorce.

Hope everyone in the northeast is enjoying the beautiful weather we're having today!

Engel

No drinking last night and no guilt or hangover today!

Sapling

Yeah....Be extra careful of people, places and things...If any of those become a threat to you...Remove yourself from them.