Husband is in rehab and I hate myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Husband is in rehab and I hate myself
My family is broken and its all because of drugs. My husband is in a drug rehabilitation center and he has been there almost 2 weeks. We have been married 3 years and have a 5 month old son. We had a beautiful marriage and he was everything to me, but then came the drugs. Slowly they took him over and I could look and not see who he was anymore. late nights, lies, suspicisons, money missing, arguments. After one particularly bad fight he moved out and was gone from my life.
Weeks after he left I found out I was pregnant. I didnt tell him. I thought eventually he would come home and this would make a differnce and he would change. He didnt come home. I finally tried to tell him over the phone but he didnt believe me and thought it was a trick to get him back. And then he was gone again and not me or his family had any word from him. He was not there for my entire pregnancy, the birth of our son, or these past 5 months.
I have felt so alone but at the same time I have prayed that he would get well and come home so I could have my family back. i love him and have never stopped even with everything he has put me through. He is my soulmate and when we married I vowed through sickness and health. I will never give up on him. When I was pregnant I watched videos of the two of us and let my baby hear his daddys voice. I want him in his sons life and know he needs his father.
My husband resurfaced recently and his family and I talked to him about going into treatment and he agreed. It was decided that we would tell him about his son and let him see him in hopes it would make him realize he has someone that is his and who needs him. We ended up postponing his admission for 3 days and spent time as a family. It was the most emotional time of my life and I was strong for him. I let him know how much I want him well and home with me and our son. We laid in bed with our son between us and both cried. I have never seen him so emotional in my life. He was also physically sick with withdrawals through parts of it and looked weak and broken. Northing like the man he used to be. Seeing him now breaks my heart and knowing what he has missed with our son also breaks my heart.
Part of me is very angry and hurt for all the things he has done. I have worked through most of my anger but made bad choices when I was in the thick of it. I have done the most horrible thing and cannot forgive myself. He was gone so long and while I am lucky to have the support of both our families and lots of friends as a woman I have been lonely and scared. This was my first child and to go through it all alone was terrifying at times. One of my husbands oldest friends has been there for me through all of it. At times it has felt like he stepped in and was a replacement. About 3 months after my son was born we slept together. It happened more than once but when I elt myself becoming emotionally attached to him I ended it. Im not in love with him but I care deeply. I realized if my circumstances were different this would be a man that I would consider spending my life with and I know he would always be there for my son. But that would be a lie because my heart is with my husband and this man is not my sons father. He has been used as a temporary replacement and that was wrong and selfish of me. he didnt want to let me go. He kept calling and coming by and telling me how much he loved me and needed me. That my husband will never get well, that my marriage is over, and that my son deserves a better father. He made me so angry we fought but that anger turned to lust and we had unprotected sex. I was scared because I had not bee nusing birth control but I think it is alright because Im breast feeding.
Since my husband has bee nback this man has agreed to step aside. I had to be incredibly cruel to him in order to make this happen but there was no other way. I needed him gone. Ive broke my vows, cheated with my husbands friend, and now this is going to be another scar on my marriage and my husband will be crushed when he finds out. I hate myself right now.
This weekend my son and I are going to the center to spend the weekend with my husband. I talk to him everyday and he seems fragile not like the man I know. The Dr says it will be 12-14 weeks before he is able to come home. I am terrified I will get a call saying he has left and Im afraid then I will never see him again. I could not survive that again. My whole body aches for him. The Dr says we need to begin work to bond as a family again. They fee lknowing he has structure in his life will motivate him. While I am there I plan to tal kto the family therapist and confess the things I have done and hope there comes advice on how to handle this with my husband. I know that right now is too soon. I know I sound like a horrible wife and a worse mother. Im anxious and excited for this weekend. I pray it will be the first step in putting my family back together.
Weeks after he left I found out I was pregnant. I didnt tell him. I thought eventually he would come home and this would make a differnce and he would change. He didnt come home. I finally tried to tell him over the phone but he didnt believe me and thought it was a trick to get him back. And then he was gone again and not me or his family had any word from him. He was not there for my entire pregnancy, the birth of our son, or these past 5 months.
I have felt so alone but at the same time I have prayed that he would get well and come home so I could have my family back. i love him and have never stopped even with everything he has put me through. He is my soulmate and when we married I vowed through sickness and health. I will never give up on him. When I was pregnant I watched videos of the two of us and let my baby hear his daddys voice. I want him in his sons life and know he needs his father.
My husband resurfaced recently and his family and I talked to him about going into treatment and he agreed. It was decided that we would tell him about his son and let him see him in hopes it would make him realize he has someone that is his and who needs him. We ended up postponing his admission for 3 days and spent time as a family. It was the most emotional time of my life and I was strong for him. I let him know how much I want him well and home with me and our son. We laid in bed with our son between us and both cried. I have never seen him so emotional in my life. He was also physically sick with withdrawals through parts of it and looked weak and broken. Northing like the man he used to be. Seeing him now breaks my heart and knowing what he has missed with our son also breaks my heart.
Part of me is very angry and hurt for all the things he has done. I have worked through most of my anger but made bad choices when I was in the thick of it. I have done the most horrible thing and cannot forgive myself. He was gone so long and while I am lucky to have the support of both our families and lots of friends as a woman I have been lonely and scared. This was my first child and to go through it all alone was terrifying at times. One of my husbands oldest friends has been there for me through all of it. At times it has felt like he stepped in and was a replacement. About 3 months after my son was born we slept together. It happened more than once but when I elt myself becoming emotionally attached to him I ended it. Im not in love with him but I care deeply. I realized if my circumstances were different this would be a man that I would consider spending my life with and I know he would always be there for my son. But that would be a lie because my heart is with my husband and this man is not my sons father. He has been used as a temporary replacement and that was wrong and selfish of me. he didnt want to let me go. He kept calling and coming by and telling me how much he loved me and needed me. That my husband will never get well, that my marriage is over, and that my son deserves a better father. He made me so angry we fought but that anger turned to lust and we had unprotected sex. I was scared because I had not bee nusing birth control but I think it is alright because Im breast feeding.
Since my husband has bee nback this man has agreed to step aside. I had to be incredibly cruel to him in order to make this happen but there was no other way. I needed him gone. Ive broke my vows, cheated with my husbands friend, and now this is going to be another scar on my marriage and my husband will be crushed when he finds out. I hate myself right now.
This weekend my son and I are going to the center to spend the weekend with my husband. I talk to him everyday and he seems fragile not like the man I know. The Dr says it will be 12-14 weeks before he is able to come home. I am terrified I will get a call saying he has left and Im afraid then I will never see him again. I could not survive that again. My whole body aches for him. The Dr says we need to begin work to bond as a family again. They fee lknowing he has structure in his life will motivate him. While I am there I plan to tal kto the family therapist and confess the things I have done and hope there comes advice on how to handle this with my husband. I know that right now is too soon. I know I sound like a horrible wife and a worse mother. Im anxious and excited for this weekend. I pray it will be the first step in putting my family back together.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome allforcnm 
It sounds like you need some advice and support - I'm glad you'll be talking to the family therapist, and I'm glad you've found us here.
I understand you really want your family 'back', and I also understand you feel guilty right now.
Those are heavy emotional things to deal with.
Maybe it's best to take things slowly for now, get advice, find support - and that way you'll be able to make informed decisions not only for you, but for your son too.
I'd also encourage you to look at our Family and Friends forums as well
D
It sounds like you need some advice and support - I'm glad you'll be talking to the family therapist, and I'm glad you've found us here.
I understand you really want your family 'back', and I also understand you feel guilty right now.
Those are heavy emotional things to deal with.
Maybe it's best to take things slowly for now, get advice, find support - and that way you'll be able to make informed decisions not only for you, but for your son too.
I'd also encourage you to look at our Family and Friends forums as well
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: LA, California
Posts: 372
Those are some serious issues, after reading your post, I'll give my personal opinion. I think your husbands "best friend" is just there for his own personal benefit. In my opinion, you and you alone have control of your kids and your situation. You should be thankful for that and take care of your kids to the best of your abilities. Do not depend on your husband, although I wish him the best, you have to do what is right for your self and what is right for your kids. Saying a prayer for you and your family right now. Best of luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Thank you for the good wishes and thoughts.
I will look at the family forum Dee
I have used various drugs in the past 2Granddaughters but to me it was only experimental in nature and never a real concern or issue in my life. It was long before my baby also.
I was reading a thread on here about the difference between alcoholics and problem drinkers and was wondering if this is the same with drugs. I dont know if my husband is an addict because I dont know if he has ever tried to stop before. It may be something that only he would know ?
I will look at the family forum Dee
I have used various drugs in the past 2Granddaughters but to me it was only experimental in nature and never a real concern or issue in my life. It was long before my baby also.
I was reading a thread on here about the difference between alcoholics and problem drinkers and was wondering if this is the same with drugs. I dont know if my husband is an addict because I dont know if he has ever tried to stop before. It may be something that only he would know ?
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
You're not horrible, you're human.
You said "when he finds out"...is there a reason he needs to find out?
What's done is done is done, on both sides. You may have a future together as a family, both he and you have made choices that you may now regret, but it's time to move on.
Sometimes people confess to get something off their chest or out of a sense of duty or guilt, when it is not the healthiest or kindest thing for any or all.
I speak from experience, and from what professionals shared with me as well. Please talk to your counselor about it.
and hugs, hugs and more hugs. You are in a very fragile and painful situation, and I have only the best wishes for you all.
You said "when he finds out"...is there a reason he needs to find out?
What's done is done is done, on both sides. You may have a future together as a family, both he and you have made choices that you may now regret, but it's time to move on.
Sometimes people confess to get something off their chest or out of a sense of duty or guilt, when it is not the healthiest or kindest thing for any or all.
I speak from experience, and from what professionals shared with me as well. Please talk to your counselor about it.
and hugs, hugs and more hugs. You are in a very fragile and painful situation, and I have only the best wishes for you all.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I was reading a thread on here about the difference between alcoholics and problem drinkers and was wondering if this is the same with drugs. I dont know if my husband is an addict because I dont know if he has ever tried to stop before.
I hope you won't think me too blunt if I say people don't go to rehab if they don't have a problem?
D
Professional Drunk
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 465
Hi Allfor,
I agree that your husband's 'friend' was taking advantage of you in a vulnerable state. We're all human, and you made a mistake, but your husband should bear some blame for that as well. He is a sick man that needs help. I hope your husband gets well and that you have a future as a family.
I agree that your husband's 'friend' was taking advantage of you in a vulnerable state. We're all human, and you made a mistake, but your husband should bear some blame for that as well. He is a sick man that needs help. I hope your husband gets well and that you have a future as a family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Thank you everyone for you kind words and support. I will let you know how the weekend visit goes. I dont think I am going to get any sleep tonight.
Dee, I appreciate your comments on rehab and I know he needs to be where he is at right now. Im unspeakably grateful to God that he is getting such good care and I can only hope that he will take advantage of everything that is offered to him.
Threshold, I understand your point, but in this situation I dont think I have a choice but to tell him about the affair at some point. The man I was involved in was his friend, and I think what I did has caused instability in that relationship to say the least. If I dont tell him, I have a strong feeling that this man will eventually. I have to own what I did.
Dee, I appreciate your comments on rehab and I know he needs to be where he is at right now. Im unspeakably grateful to God that he is getting such good care and I can only hope that he will take advantage of everything that is offered to him.
Threshold, I understand your point, but in this situation I dont think I have a choice but to tell him about the affair at some point. The man I was involved in was his friend, and I think what I did has caused instability in that relationship to say the least. If I dont tell him, I have a strong feeling that this man will eventually. I have to own what I did.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Update on the weekend visit with my husband at his rehab center.
It was very emotional and showed me the severity of his addiction. Im afraid for the long road he has to walk in order to find peace and freedom again. He seems so weak in both mind and body I don’t know how he will do it. This is where I must trust the professionals. When I first arrived, I spent a good hour with two of his doctors. They took their time and explained physiologically what he is experiencing right now. He was taking a lot of different drugs and they all have varying affects on the body (opiates, benzodiazepines, cocaine) The doctors said that while my husband acknowledges a drug problem, he is still in denial as to the severity How it has affected his life, body, mind. I started to cry because how can he not see it? How can he look at our son, or even look in the mirror and not see what has happened to him? I asked how he gets to the point of acceptance and they said he has to be broken down physically, mentally and emotionally. I started crying again and the doctor calmed me down and said it is a common thing when beginning treatment. Acceptance is the first step and it’s the most important because when he finally does fully realize then he will make the decision with conviction and be open to change.
I also had time with the family therapist on both days. I had mentioned in my first post that I was going to tell her about the affair and the guilt I was living with. We talked and I cried a lot but it helped. She suggested I take a pregnancy test and get checked for stds . I didn’t know this but she says shortly after you have a baby you are very fertile and its possible to get pregnant again very quickly even if you are breastfeeding. Now I have to come out of my denial and go talk to my doctor.
My husband looked better and he said he was feeling better but not great. He wrapped his arms around me and thanked me for coming and bringing our son. The doctors told me to keep conversation simple and to expect some irrational thought and moodiness due to the chemical changes with detox. I sensed this many times throughout the weekend.
Anxiety and paranoia Didn’t trust the people there, at times didn’t trust me, went from telling me I made him go there so I could take his son away from him and prove he was a junkie. (I didn’t make him do anything). Questioning in front of the doctor if our son was really his and asking for a paternity test. (My heart almost stopped thinking he somehow he knew about my later affair after he had been gone a year, but I was faithful to him when we were together). Then later tears coming down begging me not to take his son away. (Ive never told him anything except I want him to get well and come home to me and our son. I don’t know how he flipped this around ?) Then telling me he loves me but feels out of control needs only a little Xanax to take the edge off ??? (They wont give him this and he knows it. He also knows I have no access to it. But he is still thinking about whatever feeling he gets from it and that scares me but I keep reminding myself it has not been long since he stopped). He also spaced out a few times and I don’t know where his mind was Almost like he was on pause.
Those were isolated incidences. Mostly he was calm and rational. We talked about simple things, good times, our son. He seemed almost afraid of him at times especially when he cried. That scares me a little but what am I expecting he has only had three days with him up until now and has this anxiety. We spent time outside in the sunshine, I watched him attend a Tai Chi session, my husband successfully changed a diaper, and held my son in his arms while he slept, and at one point both my boys were asleep together which was a beautiful sight for me. Im grateful we had this weekend together.
My worst fear is that he will leave treatment. I asked him to think about all the things he used to enjoy, and all the dreams he used to have. Reminded him of all that is waiting for him much opportunity but his health has to come before any of it. I tried to explain how I had researched this center and that I knew it was a safe place for him, and the doctors were only there to help him but it would take a while to heal and everything he was feeling right now was ok. In the end he told me he was scared but he knew he needed help and he would stay. I know he has to choose this for himself and want to stop using and change his life or this wont work. From what the doctors said I don’t know if he is there yet, but I pray he is close and will surrender to reality soon.
Thank you everyone for your good thoughts . Please keep my husband in your prayers and wishes.
Also, If anyone would like to share their experiences coming off these types of drugs, or dealing with family members who are going through it I’d appreciate it. I want to understand better so I can be supportive.
It was very emotional and showed me the severity of his addiction. Im afraid for the long road he has to walk in order to find peace and freedom again. He seems so weak in both mind and body I don’t know how he will do it. This is where I must trust the professionals. When I first arrived, I spent a good hour with two of his doctors. They took their time and explained physiologically what he is experiencing right now. He was taking a lot of different drugs and they all have varying affects on the body (opiates, benzodiazepines, cocaine) The doctors said that while my husband acknowledges a drug problem, he is still in denial as to the severity How it has affected his life, body, mind. I started to cry because how can he not see it? How can he look at our son, or even look in the mirror and not see what has happened to him? I asked how he gets to the point of acceptance and they said he has to be broken down physically, mentally and emotionally. I started crying again and the doctor calmed me down and said it is a common thing when beginning treatment. Acceptance is the first step and it’s the most important because when he finally does fully realize then he will make the decision with conviction and be open to change.
I also had time with the family therapist on both days. I had mentioned in my first post that I was going to tell her about the affair and the guilt I was living with. We talked and I cried a lot but it helped. She suggested I take a pregnancy test and get checked for stds . I didn’t know this but she says shortly after you have a baby you are very fertile and its possible to get pregnant again very quickly even if you are breastfeeding. Now I have to come out of my denial and go talk to my doctor.
My husband looked better and he said he was feeling better but not great. He wrapped his arms around me and thanked me for coming and bringing our son. The doctors told me to keep conversation simple and to expect some irrational thought and moodiness due to the chemical changes with detox. I sensed this many times throughout the weekend.
Anxiety and paranoia Didn’t trust the people there, at times didn’t trust me, went from telling me I made him go there so I could take his son away from him and prove he was a junkie. (I didn’t make him do anything). Questioning in front of the doctor if our son was really his and asking for a paternity test. (My heart almost stopped thinking he somehow he knew about my later affair after he had been gone a year, but I was faithful to him when we were together). Then later tears coming down begging me not to take his son away. (Ive never told him anything except I want him to get well and come home to me and our son. I don’t know how he flipped this around ?) Then telling me he loves me but feels out of control needs only a little Xanax to take the edge off ??? (They wont give him this and he knows it. He also knows I have no access to it. But he is still thinking about whatever feeling he gets from it and that scares me but I keep reminding myself it has not been long since he stopped). He also spaced out a few times and I don’t know where his mind was Almost like he was on pause.
Those were isolated incidences. Mostly he was calm and rational. We talked about simple things, good times, our son. He seemed almost afraid of him at times especially when he cried. That scares me a little but what am I expecting he has only had three days with him up until now and has this anxiety. We spent time outside in the sunshine, I watched him attend a Tai Chi session, my husband successfully changed a diaper, and held my son in his arms while he slept, and at one point both my boys were asleep together which was a beautiful sight for me. Im grateful we had this weekend together.
My worst fear is that he will leave treatment. I asked him to think about all the things he used to enjoy, and all the dreams he used to have. Reminded him of all that is waiting for him much opportunity but his health has to come before any of it. I tried to explain how I had researched this center and that I knew it was a safe place for him, and the doctors were only there to help him but it would take a while to heal and everything he was feeling right now was ok. In the end he told me he was scared but he knew he needed help and he would stay. I know he has to choose this for himself and want to stop using and change his life or this wont work. From what the doctors said I don’t know if he is there yet, but I pray he is close and will surrender to reality soon.
Thank you everyone for your good thoughts . Please keep my husband in your prayers and wishes.
Also, If anyone would like to share their experiences coming off these types of drugs, or dealing with family members who are going through it I’d appreciate it. I want to understand better so I can be supportive.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Toronto ON
Posts: 1,180
Thanks so much for sharing your story.
I don't really have any advice for you specifically other than to do some reading on the friend and family forum here. I think Alanon would be a good thing for you as it will better arm you in protecting yourself and your son from your husband's addiction. If he comes out of rehab and goes back to his old ways but still wants to be a part of your life...you're going to have a much bigger problem on your hands.
Best of luck to you...I would love to see this all work out for you.
I don't really have any advice for you specifically other than to do some reading on the friend and family forum here. I think Alanon would be a good thing for you as it will better arm you in protecting yourself and your son from your husband's addiction. If he comes out of rehab and goes back to his old ways but still wants to be a part of your life...you're going to have a much bigger problem on your hands.
Best of luck to you...I would love to see this all work out for you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
