Fooling myself
 

I'm not being true to myself. I wake up every morning hopeful. I try to be positive. I say to myself I am feeling good. I am happy today. It's really not true. I realized today that it is just another way for me to repress my real feelings. If I am happy, then things aren't so bad. But they are bad. I am in financial ruin. My relationship is in the toilet. Arguments every day. The term-oil and stress at home is emotionally and physically draining. I walk on eggshells. I never know what mood to expect. Last night I came to realization that either he fell out of love with me or he really never loved me in the first place. Either or, it hurts. I'm not putting my happiness in one person. It's just I am weak, lonely and vulnerable right now and I really don't want to be alone right now. Even though I really am alone. My emotions are amplified I know. I have an appointment this month with my counselor but its so far away. It's not going be an immediate resolution though. I put myself back on my antidepressants until I can see my therapist. I have to get through this. Today I want to sleep, Cry and sleep. But not drink.

For me...After two years of isolation...Sitting and drinking in a dark room...Only going out to get more...Feeling sorry for myself and wanting to die....I found friends and the solution to my problem in the rooms of AA....You should try it.

I often focus on the three or four things that bother me, but on the other hand, there's a lot of things that are going right, especially where health is concerned, my knee's hurt, but there's lots of joints that don't. I imagine the worst case senerio, like being dead or in jail, that seems to help sometimes. I hope you feel better soon.

You're only sober a month, darlin'. Your body's still going through some major changes.

At one month "normal" wasn't on my spectrum. There were days...well never mind. Just keep doing the right things and take care of yourself. Eat, sleep, exercise. You'll turn the corner and the world will get much brighter.

Best wishes.

Every cloud has a silver lining, they say.

From observation, those that turn up in AA with lives as messed up as yours appears to be, seem to have much more success in recovery than anyone else.

Maybe you should see a pastor, even if you're not religious.

Soberred, it's OK to feel bad. You are going through rough times, one month sober. Your feelings are all over the place, and that's to be expected. What isn't okay is beating yourself up for feeling sad.

Feel sad, but don't despair about feeling down, because despair is the crack through which your addiction will sneak in.

Sleep, read sad poetry, listen to Janis Ian records...all good activities when you are blue.

Hey you... you're not alone... we're all here for you. You can message me anytime you want if you're feeling down! You're doing great by not drinking... it will just take some time for the other things to straigten out in your life... hope you feel better.

Be gentle on yourself, find some small pleasures that comfort you. Going through a very difficult emotional time is draining and it is easy to seek out the things like alcohol/drugs to chemically sooth you. That's why its very important to stay close to your recovery plan. Keep posting here at SR, reach out to others on SR that too are going through a very difficult time. Above all, know that you are a lovable beautiful person that deserves a peaceful and joy filled life. Blessed be.

Love & hugs,

Sobered, you're not alone. I'm in the same boat relationship-wise but feeling so emotionally numb here on Day 6 that it feels impossible to do or say anything right, or to even know what's right. It sucks, but I don't think you're fooling yourself by trying to be happy or putting your best face forward despite the difficulties. I think that's called trying, and it's good.

I understand the ruined relationships as well. I can tell you that we tried fixing things so many times I can't even count. We even tried counseling, it wasn't until I faced the hard truth and realized my drinking was causing 99% of the problems. I was ALWAYS late whenever we hung out(had to get a good buzz, then stop at the store for a small bottle to hide in my pockets while we went out). I was ALWAYS irritable, I would snap at her because I felt like she was accusing me of things. I was never emotional with her, the problem was I was in a 3 way relationship. It wasn't until I broke up with the bottle that things started looking up. I'd be lying if I said I have the perfect relationship now, but we are doing a lot better, we hardly ever argue anymore. I realize now just how beautiful of a person she is especially for sticking around through all that BS I put her through.

Hey soberred~I too am in a volatile relationship and live with the man. When I was drinking I found myself playing into all that hostility. I am starting to gain some control of my reactions...it gets under his skin and he retaliates with painful words intended to break me down, I believe.
It seems I will never be enough for him as he so blatantly speaks. However, yesterday he told me that he thinks I will leave him once I reclaim my success. Lightbulb moment...he is losing control as I gain self control and he feels insecure about this as well he should. He is abusive and not well.
I figure if I can make it through this blip and do it sober...I can do anything. I will survive and so will you. We will blossom and remember where we once were and how far we have come. Just believe and make it so:ghug3

If I didn't know better, I would swear I was writing this.

The day got better
 

My new friend called and invited me over for coffee. We ended up spending the entire day together having a chit chat girl day. The visit really lifted my spirits. I don't speak to her about my alcoholism. Maybe later when we become better friends. It is nice to have a friend again. Best thing is that she may have a drink on occasion but that is all. Thank you for letting me vent and all of you responses.

Sobered,

It's early days, the more sober you become the more emotionally stronger you will be.

Love
CaiHong

Hang in there Soberred. We are all here for you. xo

Hi soberred. I'm glad you're feeling better. There are so many ups & downs early on. Don't be disheartened - your emotions will stabilize and then you'll be able to see what needs to happen with your relationship. Baby steps. You've been through so much, and you're still healing.