Emotional Diabetes -- Anyone Relate?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 3
Emotional Diabetes -- Anyone Relate?
Hi, all. This is my first post.
I am married and coming to terms with the fact that it may be ending after nearly 13 years. The core issues boil down to codependency: I got engaged instead of facing problems I could already see and feel. They've only gotten worse with time (as they always do) and now I am trying my best to be true to myself. In short, everything hurts.
For me, it all comes back to this: Feel scared, lonely, desperate. Meet similarly minded man -- i.e., someone whose qualities include my virtual surety that he won't leave. (I have great instincts for that one.) Commence intense and near-immediate bonding. After relationship is established, discover I am not nearly so needy as I thought. Get annoyed; eventually realize I've sold myself significantly short. Break up, preferably with security blanket of another man. Security blanket disappears. Feel scared, lonely, desperate.
Lather, rinse, repeat. This is virtually every relationship I've ever had.
Obviously I'm greatly truncating this for my husband and I. He's not that simple and neither is our relationship. He is an extraordinary source of love and support, my constant champion and a really kind person. However, he is also deeply dependent on me -- financially, personally, emotionally. A decade ago, I gave him permission to leave office life and figure out what he wanted to do when he grew up. That became more of a license to not grow up; he's been underemployed ever since.
Three weeks ago, I told him our marriage was in trouble. I can't live with his aimlessness -- and by definition, his life is not mine to aim. He needs to figure out what he wants to do. What he wants is not to lose me... but that's not an answer. He's trying to find a solution to the work problem, but everything comes down to making me happy, not him. Because ultimately he already knows what makes him happy: loving me. Not Good.
Meanwhile, for myself I see what's now a familiar catch-22: I feel that I am not with my equal. Without that you lose respect and without that I don't know what relationship you can have. But I also know, based on prior experience, that if I leave him I will feel frightened and deeply needy... which virtually assures that I will wind up with someone who is not my equal.
And I have evidence -- repeated evidence! -- that there is a version of me who is strong, knows my worth and isn't afraid to act on it. But there's a catch: She only comes out -- albeit with a vengeance -- while I'm in a relationship. Exhibit A is our marriage; I've achieved a lot during that time. Exhibit B is what's happening now: As she always does when I finally admit my feelings that the relationship is not working, she looks around, pokes me hard in the ribs, and says, "Good God. What fresh hell is this? What the **** are you doing? How did this happen, again? Cleanup time. Hop to it."
So I do. But I know what happens next: If I leave the relationship, she leaves, too. Like Mary Poppins: She's done her work and now she's off. And while I've never regretted leaving the man, I miss her like crazy -- and I do feel crazy. It's almost like another kind of abandonment. The aftermath is always fairly awful and, worse, it leaves me back where I started: Totally vulnerable to starting a relationship, preferably as soon as possible, with another weak man.
I want to know how to keep her. Because she's not Mary Poppins; it's not like she only shows up at times of crisis. Men make me feel whole -- but what's bizarre (and I think prevented me from acknowledging my codependency before) is that once I have a man, the problem isn't that my life revolves around him; it doesn't. I choose men that let my best self show herself. I get to be me. I can do all sorts of things. I can do great work. I can pay attention to friends. I'm funny. I can think. I'm smart. I can set goals and achieve them. It's awesome. It's so awesome that I will go 12 years without addressing core issues in the marriage because I don't want to lose her.
Because when I don't have her -- which is to say, when I don't have a man or have one who is on less than solid ground -- I feel dreadful. My mind is not my own. I am in a state of high anxiety, with an absolute hyperawareness of where I do and don't stand. It quietly takes priority over everything. Needy is a terrible, terrible, utter CRAP way to live.
And if all of that is true, it's almost like I have Type 2 emotional diabetes and I'm treating men as insulin. WHICH IS HORRIFYING. Beyond the (co)dependency, men can be so much more than insulin. Insulin is boring! Insulin is not sexy! It's a lifelong obligation to poke yourself with needles so you have the privilege of being normal. You don't get anything extra from it. But if you're a diabetic who doesn't do the hard(er) work of managing your glucose levels, you can't accept the alternative.
So, that's my story. Would love to hear if anyone can relate or has advice.
I am married and coming to terms with the fact that it may be ending after nearly 13 years. The core issues boil down to codependency: I got engaged instead of facing problems I could already see and feel. They've only gotten worse with time (as they always do) and now I am trying my best to be true to myself. In short, everything hurts.
For me, it all comes back to this: Feel scared, lonely, desperate. Meet similarly minded man -- i.e., someone whose qualities include my virtual surety that he won't leave. (I have great instincts for that one.) Commence intense and near-immediate bonding. After relationship is established, discover I am not nearly so needy as I thought. Get annoyed; eventually realize I've sold myself significantly short. Break up, preferably with security blanket of another man. Security blanket disappears. Feel scared, lonely, desperate.
Lather, rinse, repeat. This is virtually every relationship I've ever had.
Obviously I'm greatly truncating this for my husband and I. He's not that simple and neither is our relationship. He is an extraordinary source of love and support, my constant champion and a really kind person. However, he is also deeply dependent on me -- financially, personally, emotionally. A decade ago, I gave him permission to leave office life and figure out what he wanted to do when he grew up. That became more of a license to not grow up; he's been underemployed ever since.
Three weeks ago, I told him our marriage was in trouble. I can't live with his aimlessness -- and by definition, his life is not mine to aim. He needs to figure out what he wants to do. What he wants is not to lose me... but that's not an answer. He's trying to find a solution to the work problem, but everything comes down to making me happy, not him. Because ultimately he already knows what makes him happy: loving me. Not Good.
Meanwhile, for myself I see what's now a familiar catch-22: I feel that I am not with my equal. Without that you lose respect and without that I don't know what relationship you can have. But I also know, based on prior experience, that if I leave him I will feel frightened and deeply needy... which virtually assures that I will wind up with someone who is not my equal.
And I have evidence -- repeated evidence! -- that there is a version of me who is strong, knows my worth and isn't afraid to act on it. But there's a catch: She only comes out -- albeit with a vengeance -- while I'm in a relationship. Exhibit A is our marriage; I've achieved a lot during that time. Exhibit B is what's happening now: As she always does when I finally admit my feelings that the relationship is not working, she looks around, pokes me hard in the ribs, and says, "Good God. What fresh hell is this? What the **** are you doing? How did this happen, again? Cleanup time. Hop to it."
So I do. But I know what happens next: If I leave the relationship, she leaves, too. Like Mary Poppins: She's done her work and now she's off. And while I've never regretted leaving the man, I miss her like crazy -- and I do feel crazy. It's almost like another kind of abandonment. The aftermath is always fairly awful and, worse, it leaves me back where I started: Totally vulnerable to starting a relationship, preferably as soon as possible, with another weak man.
I want to know how to keep her. Because she's not Mary Poppins; it's not like she only shows up at times of crisis. Men make me feel whole -- but what's bizarre (and I think prevented me from acknowledging my codependency before) is that once I have a man, the problem isn't that my life revolves around him; it doesn't. I choose men that let my best self show herself. I get to be me. I can do all sorts of things. I can do great work. I can pay attention to friends. I'm funny. I can think. I'm smart. I can set goals and achieve them. It's awesome. It's so awesome that I will go 12 years without addressing core issues in the marriage because I don't want to lose her.
Because when I don't have her -- which is to say, when I don't have a man or have one who is on less than solid ground -- I feel dreadful. My mind is not my own. I am in a state of high anxiety, with an absolute hyperawareness of where I do and don't stand. It quietly takes priority over everything. Needy is a terrible, terrible, utter CRAP way to live.
And if all of that is true, it's almost like I have Type 2 emotional diabetes and I'm treating men as insulin. WHICH IS HORRIFYING. Beyond the (co)dependency, men can be so much more than insulin. Insulin is boring! Insulin is not sexy! It's a lifelong obligation to poke yourself with needles so you have the privilege of being normal. You don't get anything extra from it. But if you're a diabetic who doesn't do the hard(er) work of managing your glucose levels, you can't accept the alternative.
So, that's my story. Would love to hear if anyone can relate or has advice.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
welcome dlharris
Most of our stories here have a substance abuse component, so I'm not sure what to advise in a case like this, but maybe some others will have experience to share
Have you ever considered seeing someone like a counsellor?
You may find an organisation like CoDA of interest to you as well?
Welcome: CoDA Home Page
D
Most of our stories here have a substance abuse component, so I'm not sure what to advise in a case like this, but maybe some others will have experience to share
Have you ever considered seeing someone like a counsellor?
You may find an organisation like CoDA of interest to you as well?
Welcome: CoDA Home Page
Co-Dependents Anonymous, a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships. The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 3
I am out of the country (one where there are apparently no CoDA meetings!) but I will be hightailing it to one as soon as I get back. Ditto to my counselor.
No, no substance abuse here -- I have almost wished that were an element because you can live without a drug or alcohol; not so with people and emotions. But I know that's way too reductive.
No, no substance abuse here -- I have almost wished that were an element because you can live without a drug or alcohol; not so with people and emotions. But I know that's way too reductive.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
Hi and Welcome to SR!
Online--just go online and try one of the Codependency Anonymous programs or Emotions Anonymous....even Women for Sobriety (not 12 step, but very positive), even AVRT might help you decide to make permanent changes in your thinking. The 12 steps might be able to help you if want to try them on yourself with an online sponsor or support group.
You seem to know yourself well, but you also know that something in you changes. Today, with the internet, there are so many options available.
I wish you well,
Online--just go online and try one of the Codependency Anonymous programs or Emotions Anonymous....even Women for Sobriety (not 12 step, but very positive), even AVRT might help you decide to make permanent changes in your thinking. The 12 steps might be able to help you if want to try them on yourself with an online sponsor or support group.
You seem to know yourself well, but you also know that something in you changes. Today, with the internet, there are so many options available.
I wish you well,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 3
I found an English-language AA meeting today in France and it was tremendously helpful; I think I'll go to another tomorrow. Everyone was great and took pains to tell me that my sharing about codependence helped them consider elements of their own recovery. Was so grateful.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,496
Hi and Welcome,
I agree that some kind of therapy or support for you could help a lot. It sounds like you need to take time, maybe a lot of time, becoming comfortable with yourself and staying away from relationships for awhile.
I agree that some kind of therapy or support for you could help a lot. It sounds like you need to take time, maybe a lot of time, becoming comfortable with yourself and staying away from relationships for awhile.
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