Deschain

I've been on again off again for a long time -- and I keep falling back into the delusion that I can drink in moderation, enjoy a beer with the baseball game, etc. Then I slowly fall back into a pattern of drinking to excess. I'm always trying to regulate how much I drink. First its only on weekends, then Thursday happy hour is ok (and Friday night is ok too, right?), then its every night.

I've never missed a day of work, never drink in the morning, no DUIs, no horror stories, but...

I feel terrible
I use drinking to avoid my problems
I am a jerk to be around when I've been drinking or am hung over
I am hiding alcohol so my wife doesn't know how much I'm drinking
I feel like if I don't drink I'm not going to have a good time

So -- here goes nothing again. Today is day two.

awuh1

A problem is a problem is a problem.

Act in accordance with the nature of things.

least

When I quit I couldn't imagine living without drinking. Now I can't imagine living that way anymore.

Congrats on your twelve days sober! Keep on keepin' on.

Sapling

There is your first sentence and your last sentence....You see anything wrong with that? Don't you think maybe trying something different might be a good call? Nothing changes...Nothing changes.

GoMan

Hi Deschain

I am back on day two as well. I can relate to your post in the area of hiding the booze and just being in a bad mood when hungover. I even would get in a worse mood because I had to hide the hangover from my wife and kids...

It's just insane. Let's go get day 3!

GoMan

awuh1

Whats the plan you two? Something different than last time? Hmmm I think sapling is on to something here! Geez, It IS insane GoMan. I hate to see people endlesly detoxing.

instant

As long as you commit to learning from what is happening, and keep trying eventually you will succeed. What is leading you back (ideas, emotions, urges, situations etc- what is your plan when these happen?).

Reading the Big Book and doing to short course on Rational Recovery helped me

Sapling

Anything different...I'm not a big believer in keep relapsing till you get it right. My opinion only...Based on what I have seen and people I've talked to....Every time you relapse it gets harder to get sober. If what you have been trying isn't working....Please try something else....Anything else.

Spinach

Importantly never give up giving up . It may get harder but a drink is just that cut your loses and start again feel good about breaking your last record until you have enough self confidence to keep on beating your day count and when the pull of your addiction weakens look around at the things that are improving in your life. They will keep improving.
John.

Deschain

Of course -- and isn't that the million dollar question? Trying to read here daily and see what works for other people and might work for me, but so far I haven't found my solution

Sapling

Maybe make yourself a list...What have you tried?...And not tried.

thesun

Have you changed your social circles? That's a good start

Deschain

I've tried avoiding drinking situations, but that is damn near an impossibility considering alcohol is at nearly every work and social function I attend. And while I can avoid going to the bar with buddies, its not an option not to attend many work functions -- so I need to develop a better coping mechanism other than just not going.

For drinking alone issues, whats worked for me in the past to fill time with activity. When I exercise I crave gatorade, not alcohol. So part of my plan this time is to get into a routine of exercise during times that might otherwise be drinking time. My wife is pregnant, so its a good opportunity for there to be no alcohol in the house.

I also need to avoid the complacency that comes after 2-4 weeks of not drinking. I forget the slippery slope and start thinking I don't really have a problem and can have a glass of wine at dinner. Then its I can drink just on the weekend or have a couple beers while watching the game. Then down the slope I go.

This last one is probably the hardest one for me. I started a journal last night and am hoping I can memorialize my thinking and learn from it by coming back to it down the road. I've also put a picture of my daughter (2 1/2) and my son's ultrasound (due in August) on the inside front cover -- if that can't motivate me, I'm not sure what will

eh1988

You can do this, remember you can't drink, period. You know where that leads, you have a lot to live for, you have a huge reason to remain sober. Congrats on the future baby, sounds like you're going to have the perfect little family. Keep up the good work buddy!

awuh1

Deschain I find your post very encouraging. Learning from your mistakes is crucial. Sounds like your big difficulties come at a point a couple of weeks (or months) down the road when you begin to think you can drink without having the same eventual problems. For the alcoholic this is the true nature of our insanity. We have lost (or never had) the ability to drink normally but we refuse to accept it. But, in accepting the fact, an entire new and better life unfolds. Enjoy your sanity while you can. Good work. You might want to read the basic AA text. It talks a lot about the problem you experience with this idea of being able to drink normally. If you have not read it I would recommend it. Here is the link Big Book On Line

awuh1

P.S. Hang in there. I know this detoxing period is no fun.

Deschain

Thanks, Awuh and all - appreciate the encouragement

Hevyn

Hi Des. I tried the moderating thing, too. Anything but give it up all together, right? I almost lost my life proving I couldn't do it. One drink led to 10. Always. Because I continued with that behavior longer than you, I eventually did have duis, drank in the morning, missed work. You'll avoid all that horrible stuff. You're doing the right thing.

Congratulations on the upcoming birth of your little boy!