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Old 05-16-2012, 12:35 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Day 1 and already...


I am sitting here...super sad and anxious and am thinking of just going to the store and grabbing a bottle of wine and just do a last minute drinking stint.
I know I won't do it. I don't know why I feel so crazy today.

I literally dropped to my knees earlier, bawled my eyes out and asked God for help.

I can't stop crying today!
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Old 05-16-2012, 12:41 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Things will get better. We both know that "one last time" always happens again and again. You have already started on your path, good for you!

You know whats fun to do? Half size the message board on your PC and open up a diffrent window for youtube; then find some comics, some old shows, some good songs. It really helped me to pass the time early on.

Hang in there!
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Old 05-16-2012, 12:43 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bayliss View Post
I literally dropped to my knees earlier, bawled my eyes out and asked God for help.
That's how I ended up in AA. I did the exact same thing.
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Old 05-16-2012, 12:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I understand.

Try to stay stopped.

Love,
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Someday it will all make sense, so laugh at confusion, smile through tears,
& remind yourself it All happens for a reason.


All Big Book quotes are from the 1st edition.
Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

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Old 05-16-2012, 12:51 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Asking for help is a first step. We have all felt that desperation and it is at that point you can start taking those steps forward.
Don't take a drink. Spend time working out what to do to change things. Read those threads written by people with some good sober time behind them. They all say it's the best thing they did, they are happy and enjoy their lives. I want some of that and you can have it too xxxx
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Old 05-16-2012, 12:53 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I am on day 4 and it is tough so I am right there with you step for step. You can do this, one hour one day at a time. I love movies so I rented a bunch of good movies (ok some good) and watched them while hanging around this website as well. Good luck and be strong.
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Old 05-16-2012, 12:55 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bayliss View Post
I literally dropped to my knees earlier, bawled my eyes out and asked God for help.

I can't stop crying today!
That's the way a lot of people have started. Admitting powerlessness is never easy - we all want to at least have the illusion of control over our every day lives. Paradoxically, though, giving up your will to a power greater than yourself is actually the most determined move you can make in your position.

Now that you've turned that duty over, you don't have to worry about it any more. If you feel like you want a drink, ask your boss whether or not you can have one. If your boss is anything like mine, you will hear a patient and overly-long explanation that basically just boils down to, 'NO!'

Congratulations on getting started. You're on your way to something great.
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Old 05-16-2012, 12:57 PM   #8 (permalink)
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(((Baybliss)))
Stay strong hun!
Just don't drink today, k? Just not today! Focus JUST on that!
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Old 05-16-2012, 12:59 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Old 05-16-2012, 01:06 PM   #10 (permalink)
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just...
keep...
on...
truckin...
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Practice not-doing,
and everything will fall into place.
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Old 05-16-2012, 01:20 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Thanks everyone for the replies.

I know that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. But this feeling that I have - well, like I said, I can't stop crying. I feel like things aren't going to get better for me. Regardless if I drink or not. I really know this isn't the case and it is my addictive voice that is trying to take over.
It's true though. There is no point...if I drink again tonight I will be back here again tomorrow in the same spot.

I was doing so well...I know that I shouldn't have gone to the Stag&Doe where everyone is getting drunk and telling me to have one as well...of course no one poured it down my throat but you know how us alcoholics work.
And then I just kept going with it. I shouldn't have. I know. I regret it. But I have to keep on going and not dwell on it. But moments where it is quiet it is hard.

I am having bad anxiety and waves of sadness. I know I gotta go out and do something as I have been sitting here at home feeling sorry for myself by myself.
I totally should not have agreed to go out Saturday night.
It was way too early in my sobriety. I started off with a glass of water but that turned into wine.
I am sure I acted like a total tool as well...

I won't drink tonight.
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Old 05-16-2012, 01:23 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Anvilhead, is it not possible to get sober in certain situations?
I don't have many friends and live with my boyfriend...I don't have a job and can't move out nor do I want to leave my boyfriend.
I am trying to make new friends and stay away from the ones that drink but the problem is that a lot of my friends drink at 25.
I can definitely work on that and avoid going out and drinking and whatnot...playthings or things that need to change..not sure what you mean.
I know I have to keep myself busy when 5pm rolls around so I am going out for walks and just doing different things that what I usually did.

I hope I am making sense and was just looking for more insight into this.
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Old 05-16-2012, 01:36 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Be strong, do whatever it takes not to drink today. Then do it again tomorrow.
Thing do get easier with time.
Good luck
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Old 05-16-2012, 01:39 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Don't think about never and don't think about forever. Just think about not drinking this minute, and then the next one. Tomorrow, wake up and do the same thing. But worry about that tomorrow.
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Old 05-16-2012, 01:42 PM   #15 (permalink)
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A little harsh - but I can take it.
Just because I am having a bad day today (as it is day 1) doesn't mean that I am self-sufficient.

But then again, you do have a point because when I look back at all my attempts I obviously haven't been doing more than what I should be doing.
My last 2 weeks of sobriety were great...I went out more, I was actively looking for work as well as schools and reading up on getting my driver's license. And then this relapse happened...and I know I am doing a pity party for me today.
I know that sometimes I expect others to take care of me. Sad but true.
25 isn't an excuse. You are right.
I really do want to make my life different - sometimes the anxiety gets in the way or I am afraid.
It is obvious I am afraid of change.
What is this called and how can I "change myself"?
Anyone have any ideas?
Other then "get up, get busy, get living"...maybe that's all the advice I need.

I know things get easier with time. I am just have a tough time today.

Thanks.
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Old 05-16-2012, 01:45 PM   #16 (permalink)
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well first of all, what would you like to change about yourself
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Old 05-16-2012, 01:47 PM   #17 (permalink)
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I remember the despair I felt bayliss - I only knew one way of life - and that one was killing me - I was scared to death of change....what the heck was I 'sposed to do?

I trusted the people here who said to stick with it - they assured me that getting into recovery would work out for me....yes it would be uncomfortable at times, it would be a roller coaster ride - but so was my drinking life.

They were right - it did work out I never regretted staying with it.

Yeah, it was tough for a while, at times - but I wasn't alone, I had support - I didn't lose a life, I gained my old life (and the old me) back - and I found peace happiness and purpose to boot

Quote:
is it not possible to get sober in certain situations?
My old life revolved around drinking and or drugging.

From the moment I got up getting out of my head was the aim. I surrounded myself with people who thought the same way.

This went on for 20 years.

I wanted to get sober so badly I made a lot of changes - sweeping changes - & was glad to do it - it was tough at the time, but it was worth it.

I don't know how far you're prepared to go with the changes in your particular situation bayliss, but you need to put your recovery first, I think.

There's better, safer, uses of your time than hanging out at the Stag and Doe right now, y'know?

D
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Old 05-16-2012, 01:55 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Well...I am afraid of change. I guess I want to change that about myself.
I guess I just gotta start doing. Not thinking of doing.

Thanks Dee for your response. Yes. Drinking every single night for a long time...you get into quite the routine and feel like there isn't anything after that. It is scary to think that. I know deep down that this is not true. But the first few days are quite tough.
I guess I gotta get my butt in gear. Find work and keep busy during the day instead of sitting at home and ruminating and thinking about drinking which I have been doing for the past 6 months. So that totally hasn't helped and I am ashamed of coming out and saying that. Definitely not a proud moment for me.
I am not going to leave my boyfriend or anything. As he does support me and is there for me and he deserves his old girlfriend back since we love each other so very much. Money-wise, we literally cannot move out.
But like I said. I gotta start doing different things. Not going out. Not putting myself in those sort of situations.
I think my biggest problem was that I stopped drinking but really didn't do a whole lot of anything...except the last 2 weeks where I explained I was more productive. So I need to go back to that and remember how much better it was without the booze.
Because it is better. I know I need to keep telling myself this.
Today just completely threw me for a loop. The depression, anxiety and despair I felt has been sitting with me for most of the day. I didn't sleep last night either and haven't really ate anything substantial since Saturday afternoon.
I will keep checking back here. I never did that before. I did become complacent in the past. I can't do that.
Because I literally sit there and think I can do 2 weeks, I am fine, I'm not an alcoholic. Blablabla...
But I really need to WORK on it. I think I know now...
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Old 05-16-2012, 04:17 PM   #19 (permalink)
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things will get better with time.
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Old 05-16-2012, 06:39 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Would you be willing to go to an AA meeting? Just one? If you don't feel it then don't go again? Many of the things that you are writing about that make you feel so depressed and anxious and different are very common at AA meetings. It helped me immensely. They have meetings for new people or women only... check one out... like I said... if it's not good for you oh well but give it a try.
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