Programmer27

At about 5 1/2 months now, I'm finding myself thinking less and less about alcohol and my sobriety. I still talk to my sponsor at least once a week, and I visit this site quite often while I'm out work, but only when I'm at work.

Life is going absolutely great right now, and fortunately, I quit drinking right (I believe) on the cusp of losing a lot of things in my life (job, girlfriend, etc).

At this point I can't even remember what the last relapse was like, and how bad I felt, the extreme anxiety from the possible loss of all those things, you know, that stuff you tell yourself to always think about.

My longest stretch has been 6 months, and I'm well on my way to beating that, but I want to reflect on what happened last time at six months that made me relapse.

Was it a celebration, complacency, giving into my cravings? I don't know, but I have to avoid it... Has anyone else ever felt like this?

I feel a meeting is in order every day for the next little bit to remind myself of what my goal in life is... sobriety.

It sucks to be happy, but at the same time, knowing theres a huge demon lurking around somewhere waiting to strike.

Fenris

Yeah, complacency has been my downfall a couple of times. Get a few months under my belt, working hard on my sobriety, start to coast a little bit....skip a few meetings, skip a few calls to my sponsor, skip a few prayers...then I'm drunk.

Not this time. I don't work quite as hard on my sobriety today as I did eight months ago (mostly cause a lot of it just comes naturally now and I'm not trying to fit a round peg in a square hole), but I definitely guard against getting complacent -- but now it's for a slightly different reason. Before it was just so that I wouldn't drink; now it's so that I can continue to grow in a life that's worth living.

Thanks for the topic Programmer...I needed the reminder.

--Fenris.

zorah

i relate completely. some time before i got to aa, i managed to coerce myself--using a friend as a support system--to be sober for a number of months ( it was easier back then). After a while, i got out of that zone where i was feeling vulnerable all the time and then i felt like i'd licked the problem, it was over! more time passed and i thought that as long as i stayed away from booze when i felt bad inside, i'd be fine. well, i ended up buying a bottle to celebrate myself for getting a job done. i wasn't thinking i could get in trouble when i was feeling good! but that's what happened. for me, there's always this inner voice that says, well, maybe you can control this thing after all, look you're doing fine, you feel no cravings; you just need to be cautious sometimes. then, when i had NO REASON to reach for it, i went out and bought a bottle of wine, thinking nothing about it! i was happy, i was free, i was in control of my life. oh, oh, so not true.

so yeah.....be incredibly cautious! remember the "cunning" aspect of alcoholism.....


zorah

Anna

I was lucky because I didn't have a pink cloud and I didn't become complacent.

I struggled in the beginning and my recovery became a part of my day and I incorporated it comfortably.

And, after nearly 12 years sober, I still remember my last relapse and the anxiety that accompanied it.

I'm glad you're doing well and I hope you can find a way to get through this time.

Sapling

I have to ask you Programmer27...You say you talk to your sponsor once a week...Have you worked the steps with your sponsor?....That is the suggested program of recovery...It's also the only suggestion they have. Coming up on six months you should have a pretty good handle on that....That's what keeps me sober...It's a way of life for me...I don't have to think about it...The obsession to drink is gone....I just live in steps 10, 11 and 12.....It's a working part of the mind.

scrambled2012

This thread scares the hell out of me. I'm posting so I can quickly come back to it and follow comments.

I believe "this time" for me is "different" because I'm not planning to eventually "party," I'm not fighting anything, I'm not thinking "well I will just use pot and not drink" or something like that. I'm hopeing this time is different because its the first time I myself want to stop drinking 100% from the inside out (although it took the law to hit me on the head and shock me out of my zombi walk).

Failure is not an option. Life is too short. I don't want to forget, I don't want to fail.

Programmer27

Yes, I have worked the steps, relapsed, reworked some of the steps, and here I am.

There is no obsession to drink, and like I said, I think about it less now than ever.... BUT I think about my sobriety less as well.

Is this a side effect of not drinking long term? Idk...

I do know that when I relapsed last time, I was focused A LOT more on my sobriety, but I was also thinking about alcohol A LOT more. Then, like lightening, I was at the liquor store, 2 bottles of vodka and an 18 pack in my hands, ... 3 days later, you know the rest.

Screw it, I know how to stay sober tonight. Go to the gym, go to a meeting, go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day, and I'll figure it out when it gets here.

I just need to stop worrying about failing, and focus on success.

DayTrader

As great as things are....... can they get better? Is it possible that you're selling sobriety short? Have you experienced a piece of it or the whole pie?

I put it like that because remembering a relapse, remembering how bad it was, going to meetings....... that's all well and good but all that does (for me) is remind me not to drink. I can, real easily, forget to go forward.......to LIVE.

I'll suggest that if it's getting stale, it's because it IS stale (that's the way it works for me anyway.....). I settle in and wallow in what I have.....but forget there's MORE. Avoiding the pain of the past will only carry me so far....eventually I have to start striving for more or my ship is sunk - I'll get bored, sobriety will lose it's shine, and I WILL drink again.

Helping other drunks, carrying a message to meetings, living my life (as best I can) in the manner God wants me to.......those are the things that keep it fresh and alive - for me.

Programmer27

Point well taken, I completely understand where you're coming from. I can't lose my forward momentum, hence, become complacent.

Life can always get better.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I was a kid, and simple things were entertaining and made me so happy.

awuh1

For me, the actual beginning of an attempt at sobriety started with my sincere desire to learn from my mistakes, rather than simply continue to do what did not work over and over and over again. In each of my failures to stay sober was a lesson. The lesson required a plan, for that contingency, if the same situation came up again.

For me, in the beginning, there was much to learn as I failed again and again. But I vowed to learn from my mistakes. I did not want to forget how the trap was sprung (might be an interesting thread).

My last “slip” was my most memorable and in many ways the worst. It involved a severe case of the “f*ck its”. Severe disappointment that generated an attitude of complete disregard for anything and anyone, including myself. It took some soul searching to come up with a plan for that one. It involved changes that went to the very core of my being. But, that’s just what I found necessary to do.

There is truth in the old saying that if you cannot remember your last drunk you haven’t had it yet. Here's wishing you well

soberlicious

All due respect, so many of these posts smack of fear. Addiction feeds on fear. There is nothing sneaking around waiting to ambush me. I choose what goes in my body and alcohol will not go in under any circumstances. The concept of complacency intrigues me. Any, and I mean any, thought that suggests drinking, or the possibility of drinking, is nothing more than my addictive voice. I recognize it as such and dismiss it as the pure nonsense that it is. I am thrilled to be experiencing all the highs and lows of my life with a clear and strong mind. The pink cloud I'm told. I've been on it for several years now and intend to keep on riding it. Pink is a good color on me In fact, it looks pretty good on everyone.
Alcohol will not preoccupy me. Don't drink it. Don't miss it. Don't fear it.
I don't examine everything that happens in my life in relation to my past alcohol use...and never in relation to future use. Life is too short not to get on with the business of living...robustly

CarolD

I keep going to meetings regularly....these days I make 2 weekly
I find shareing with newcomers keeps me on point and fresh...

I suggest you read the final paragraph on page 43 in our BB

Fenris

That's a very good point Soberlicious. Personally, this whole thread has been pretty beneficial to me (thanks Programmer)...because I do still have some fear of relapse and that's a ***** in my spiritual armor. The obsession to drink has been removed, but the memory of (the destruction of) my last time around is still floating around in my head apparently.

scrambled2012

Soberli you crack me up dude!

I do currently feel as you described; I just find myself on one hand speaking in absolutes when it comes to my determination not to relaps, while on the other hand aware of my own humanity and the fact that "5 years from now I may change my mind."

I don't want to change my mind about this decision, ever. So I am worried about the actions or decisions of a person that I will be but have not yet become.

Sapling

Good for you....I don't live in fear...But I'll never forget where I came from and how I got there. Glad you have it locked up so tight...I have to remain vigilant and continue to live by the spritual principles of the program I live by. Which is a beautiful way to live....But I don't forget cunning, baffling and powerful....I've seen it at work.

Programmer27

Thanks everyone, some good advice was given. Sorry I did not respond lastnight, but I decided to focus on something positive instead of my alcoholism. I chose to not come back to the site for the rest of the day on purpose (not to avoid everyone, but to change perspectives).

I love this site and everyone here, and it's so awesome that it has been such a huge part of my sobriety.

I consider my higher power my inner humility at the fact that as a human I just do not, and may not ever know "what's really out there" and that I have to rely on faith if I truly want a relationship with a HP.

I decided to go to church with my stepmom lastnight instead of a meeting, and it was a pretty good experience. I'm not religious in that sense, but I do like to think I'm open minded, and willing to subject myself to anything within reason.

Living right now, in this very moment... I'm happy. this journey has been great, and I've learned more about myself, and others, than I could have ever imagined, had I not made the realization that was an alcoholic and an addict.

So today... I'm glad I'm here, with you all. I can't waste my life living in fear of alcoholism, I've already proven to myself that it's possible to win the war, one battle at a time.

One love, have an awesome day everyone, and thank you for being there.

Programmer27

Perhaps remembering what happened isn't entirely bad... Just knowing that it's easily avoidable in the future through your strength and your HP, is most important.

soberlicious

I will never forget either. I remember and have knowledge of the darkness but do not fear it, just as I have knowledge that I will die someday as we all will, but do not fear it.
so do you all-around-nice-guy love your posts...
Thank you, Sapling. I am glad as well. I know all about reversals. I had one after 10 years. What followed was 7 years of daily hell, whereby I neglected my children and finally became suicidal. They were almost taken from me. Tight? yep, you better believe it...
I do not find it baffling at all that my addiction wants to get drunk. How is that confusing? "It" is just trying to do "it's" job- get drunk. Good luck with that. It's not going to happen. I have learned things this time that ensure that. The lessons from the darkness were not wasted.
Here are some words from two of my favorite strong and beautiful women:
Thanks for the thread programmer. Good stuff.

Programmer27

I guess it's kind of pointless to fear relapse, because in my mind it's not possible.

Technically I should fear aliens or big foot more, since, I have not devoted a large portion of my life to creating an impenetrable fortress between them and myself, like I have with alcohol... lol.

Maybe I'll go see The Avengers this weekend. I haven't been to a movie in a long time, and it seems like giving myself some sort of treat to look forward to will cheer me up a bit.

And Awuh, I certainly hope that saying is not true for everyone. I do remember it... I missed work, was ashamed, threw up on myself in the shower, and felt like death for 3 or 4 days... it was really fun... ok, maybe I just needed to remind myself what it was like lol.

Stay Strong~