bayliss

Not sure what my title should be.
I would like to start off by saying that I was booze free for 2 weeks at a time. Had some wine on one Saturday evening and then just dropped if the next day without really thinking about it.
I did think about it a lot the first week I quit but it got easier. I suffered no withdrawal and didn't think about it too often.

But I am writing this coming back from a 3 day binge. Where not a lot of food was consumed but a lot of alcohol was. I am ashamed. And obviously still can't handle my liquor.
Since quitting my tolerance went crazy down and I drank where I blacked out. Thankfully I was around great people who took care of me so nothing happened but still. It was out of control.

My last drink was yesterday in the morning. To get rid of the anxiety I was feeling but that just staved off the hangover to the point where I felt quite sick last night. I didn't sleep and the anxiety was through the roof. More so because I was concerned about my blood pressure.
It is a bit high today but I did go and see the doctor about it over a week ago and he wasn't concerned about it. But I should monitor it for 5 weeks. The bf was totally fine while staying away from the booze but the diastolic was still a bit high at times.
Obviously one can only imagine how high the bp is today. I am feeling better but the anxiety comes in waves at times.

I know 24 hours is over but I am just counting this as day 1.

I just wanted to vent here.
I felt great when I wasn't drinking and didn't think of it often, I just feel a bit guilty for the amount that I did drink over the weekend and wish I hadn't.

Thanks for listening.
I will keep trying until I succeed.

Eliasson

Welcome back, Bayliss!

ARTEMIS

Bayliss-

Put the guilt and shame away- those will not help you any.

Pick your beautiful self up and try again- you can do this. You proved it by not drinking for two weeks.
We are all here for you.

bayliss

Thanks so much Artemis. That means a lot!
Actually moved me to tears!

I am just feeling depressed and anxious today. I guess staying in bed isn't helping so I should probably go out and about and do something.

hypochondriac

Glad you're still trying Bayliss xxx

scrambled2012

Keep going bayless. Your doing well

DayTrader

Sounds like a plan. If we continue to repeat what we know to be unwise behavior, we're destined to continue to pay the price....

ReadyAndAble

Glad you're back, Bayliss.

So I'd suggest that this...

...is no different than this:

In my opinion, there are no degrees of relapse. You are either an active alcoholic or not. Because that first drink leads to alcoholic drinking. It may not be the same day, or even the same week, but it leads there as sure as the day leads into night.

To me this is the whole game in a nutshell. I think AA, Rational Recovery, pretty much every approach agrees that giving up that fantasy is essential to recovery. I know it was for me.

Honestly, it was also a relief to simply embrace the concept of never having another drop. I've got one life. I don't plan to spend it chasing alcoholic rainbows.

Glad you're back where you belong.

bayliss

Thanks guys.
Yes, if I keep doing the same crap I am not going to get anywhere.
So that is the plan. I will do more things with my day and really look for a job...I think anyone could get depressed and dwell on all the negatives if they sat at home by themselves all day.

You know what, that is true.
Drinking one day and the three day binge is the same thing...
For alcoholics it is anyways.
So I need to not think that I can drink like a "regular" drinker.

I belong being sober.

Zencat

Don't quit making changes in your life that support sobriety. Keep moving forward the best you possibly can. Know that your a valuable loving person that deserves the best in life.

bayliss

Thank you Zencat.

TheRestorative

Hi there. I have had slight feelings of guilt whenever I drank after being 1 week or several days sober. You just feel like you've come so far and then you went and messed it up somehow. I drank a couple glasses of wine last night, nothing near what I would normally drink. Only reason I stopped is because I ran out of wine and didn't have any money. I knew I would have drank more. Even just drinking those 2 glasses, I still woke up feeling terrible. I drank water before I went to sleep and everything. The alcohol is just no good, no matter how we try to reason. Waking up after a sober evening is freeing, and it just gets better and better as time goes on. Color starts coming back to our faces, energy comes back, sense of humor and joy, etc. It's like we're coming back from the dead; being reborn. Just writing this.... I wonder why I keep going back for even those 2 glasses of wine?

Thank you for posting.

DayTrader

Ever see little kids playing and one or a couple of them will be standing and all of a sudden drop to their knees and keep playing? It doesn't even hurt them a bit. If I did that......I'm pretty sure it would hurt.

There was a time when I drank like "normal drinkers." I wasn't always out of control.......... but not recently. I'm not that little kid that can just jump down to my knees and not get hurt. My drinking changed......and it doesn't ever change back.

Besides, I did manage to drink just a couple right towards the end of my drinking career - it sure wasn't "good drinking." Controlled drinking is, to me......even today.....pretty dumb. It's a waste of good booze. I know, beyond all doubt, that I like to drink the way I LIKED TO DRINK - which was all or nothing.

Soberween

Don't be too had on yourself, Bayliss. You can do this! Maybe this time is the time. Wait for the magic to happen.