Deserto

Tougher than I expected -- it caught me a little off guard. I've only drank once in the past 10 days so the physical cravings aren't bad, but my AV has put on some Coltrane and a sexy dress and is giving me a come hither look.

Took the dog to the beach, read a novel, came home and sat out back on this beautiful evening and watched the hummingbirds and fixed the drip line when the irrigation came on. Will broccoli grow in the desert? We're about to find out.

It struck me today--and I don't proclaim any ingenuity in this--that sobriety has to be about integrity, that addiction is lying. Lying to myself that I can handle a few, lying to the wife about how many I've had, lying that I'm happy and lying that I'm sad. So, I've got to be honest. Today was hard--at least the afternoon was--and I'm struggling. I'm not going to drink, but I'm struggling.

I made an appointment with my counselor today, partially at the insistence of the wife, who wants me to do a session a week for the next three months. I balk at this, fold my arms, tell her I'm fine with just SR (and you guys really are helpful) and feel like she's getting all up into my recovery, that if I follow a program she prescribes then I'm doing it for her, and that just won't work in the long run. But who is it that is speaking here? Me, or the addiction? I don't know, so I make the appointment.

What do I need to do to make it click this time? This I know:

1) I need to do something every day to reinforce sobriety
2) I need to be part of a community -- both here and in the real world
3) I need to be honest, honest, honest, even when it embarrasses me or causes me to ramble on with no real point as I am now
4) I need to be happy about being sober, but that is hard, at least right now, though I've been sober before and been very happy.

I'd add a five but I've got nothing else at the moment. Not really down, just confused, and aware that I'm missing something.

Sapling

Trust in God and help others.

DisplacedGRITS

Honesty has been a major part of my sobriety. Honesty with myself above all. Make time to see that counselor. It's worth it. I was seeing mine once a week until recently and even then only backed off to once every couple of weeks. It's great to have someone to be able to let out all those frustrations to. I love meeting with my sponsor too. We had a great talk last week and i found out that i actually do harbor a lot of resentments i didn't even know were there. Talking with a group is excellent but having those one or two people who will dig at you and you can really cut loose with is very revealing. I'm glad you're embracing the difficult parts of sobriety. In time, you may even come to like them. I am.

FrenchPink

Hey, Deserto. My resolve gets shaky, too, even with all of the high-five cheerleading from our wonderful SR buddies. What is working for me is keeping busy and not planning too far into the future. Urges come and go and keep on coming again. I did a sober stretch for several months prior to this one and it really did get easier as time went on. Formed a new frame of mind and didn't think about drinking much at all. What a wonderful feeling of freedom and energy! Too bad I got complacent, suffered an emotional upheaval, and succumbed to old weaknesses again. Back in the saddle, though. Getting into the sober lifestyle again is worth it.

Good luck with your counselor. You never know...unfold those arms, keep an open mind and it could be just the thing that makes it happen for you. Thumbs up to your wife who sounds like she cares about you a great deal. Glad you're posting in our May class, too.

BillyPilgrim

I dont think you are missing anything D

You know what you need to know, and whatever route you follow, the recovery will only work if it comes from within.

This above all , to thine own self be true

Those 4 points have it in a nutshell. I think once you realise that being sober is a hell of a lot more fun than being drunk (hell what can you do drunk, apart from drink more or fall asleep) then you have won

Without realising it, I have followed that philosophy, and now I am 4 months sober, and I know I am not going back

Good luck my friend

ghal

My best advice is to keep this things real simple and don't think so much. Our minds can be an awful place to hang out, especially early on. I also recommend AA because it works for me and really helped me the first year. I still go to meetings and practice the steps but early on I really found the help I needed in those rooms.

God Bless!

dotherightthing

A couple of suggestions. These are a part of my regular regimen:

You need to remember that you can't control outcomes any more than you can control the weather. You don't run the universe, nor would it be any better if you did.

You need to remember to be humble. Whatever got you out of this mess can put you right back again.

amandah09

welcome to sr