Spantoh

I have been in a relationship with my beautiful gf for 7 years. I am 30, she 27 next month.
We do not live together. Over past few years I noticed changes in her. I confronted her one morning and she broke down to me telling me she had been taking roxicet and that she'd also come clean to her family.

She did not want to go away. Parents had her on 24 hour lockdown basically at home. She was clean but not changing at all. Still very addict like daily behaviors. This led to numerous heated arguments between us. I had felt she had given up. I was thinking about our future. Children, moving in together, etc. I was astounded that she was sort of rolling over. She had to travel for a wedding and when she got back she told me she had relapsed. I broke down and told her I could no longer be with her and that she needs to go away, please dont ruin your life. I didnt know how else to get through to her other than to take myself away. I heard from her brother that she went away the next day.

Well--a week went by and I could not stop thinking about her. Is she thinking about me? Is she going to be ok? Her insurance did not cover her staying any longer and she was released after about 8 days. Since she has been attending OP meetings and looks, sounds and feels great. Especially looks great! I saw her the night she was let out. I realized just how much I missed her and how much so I wanted to be with this clean her. Her eyes shined again. It had been years since they looked that way.



That said, this is where I could use some guidance. Its been about a week since she is out and she acts distant. She's told me, & I totally understand, that she can not focus on "us" now. Told her if she wants space, consider it done.
If she needs someone to listen, JUST LISTEN, and not judge or invest in her words I can and will. Im no longer thinking about how she hurt me, nor the future. I just want to be part of her life clean.

I am deeply in love with this girl and planned on taking the next step soon. What frightens me is since her release and with all the terrific stories she's told me about people she's met in rehab, etc. I cant help but be worried that once her life is more normal, so to speak, that she will no longer need me..

I am losing my mind trying so hard to balance between being supportive and there for her yet not being too pushy or forceful.
I find myself so carefully choosing my words (I love you's, etc.) so as not to scare her off or distract her focus from herself. It is hard to know what is right.

Was wondering what you all thought.


Thanks

doggonecarl

Brother, I feel your pain. Loving an addict is so hard. Equally hard is recovering from an addiction and that is what your girlfriend is trying to do. She may not succeed. But her success or failure isn't on you.

I would suggest you put your plans of marriage and children on hold for a while. At least a year.

I would also suggest you pop over to the friends and family of substance abusers and read--a lot. Read about the grief that living with an active addict can be.

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Spantoh

Thank you kindly, Will do. I'm so glad I decided to register and post..

Dee74

I have no real experience to share in this Spantoh, I just wanted to welcome you.

I do remember tho how frightening the world was to me when I got sober and how scared I was that I would not 'cut it' living sober...who would I be, what would I do, how could I make this work...

I can only imagine those kinds of fears are the same, if not maybe even a little worse, in our loved ones. I at least knew what I was thinking.

I would give your gf the space she needs...and a little time...and although I know it's hard...a little faith may help too

If things are meant to be - they will be

D

Jitterbugg

Hi Spantoh,
I put my ex-gf through hell with my drinking. I went to rehab and came out a new man, but I couldn't just pick things up with her again. I think you should give your GF some time to work on herself. I wouldn't be surprised if her counsellors in rehab advised her to keep some distance from you as I was told the same in rehab. The reasoning is that relationship troubles could jeopardize sobriety.

Spantoh

This is great to know. Precisely the kind of stuff I was interested in learning about. I'm supporting her 100%—this she def knows.

Thanks JBugg, Thanks Dee

Anna

Early recovery is a time of great change and you're seeing that happen with your girlfriend. The ripple effect is reaching you and you are wondering what the change will bring about. It's scary and unknown and that's what you're dealing with now. Have you considered NarAnon for support for yourself?

Spantoh

Thanks Anna, I have. Today actually, researched my state and got all the info.
I've just read so much great stuff on here while searching the web that I wanted to join and post first!

How about my asking to go to a meeting with her? I have read and heard both sides in response to that.. Your thoughts/experiences?

Again—I'm reticent to simply just ask her because I don't want her to think I am trying to get too close or too involved if she doesn't choose to share that part of her recovery. This is quite the balancing act for me, as my nature would be to just come right out and ask.


Thanks

Impurrfect

(((Spantoh))) - I'm both a recovering addict and a recovering codependent who has/had loved ones who are addicts (A's).

When I finally chose recovery, I was on a rollercoaster of emotions. My family and friends loved me, but they just didn't get it. The only people who DID get it were other RA's (recovering addicts). I had people who loved me, dearly, but they couldn't understand what I was going through.

It's not a slight to you. When we choose recovery, it has to be the number one priority in our lives. People who don't understand addiction may feel slighted, left out, but it's not intentional. For me, it was recovery or death, and people who haven't walked that path just don't get it.

I'm not saying you can't support her, I'm just saying you can't be her main source of support. I'm currently living with family thanks to the consequences of my addiction, stepmom is an addict. I love her, but I have to detach from her actions.

We A's don't use AT anyone. I promise you, we use because our minds are sort of short-circuited and all we care about is using. When we get into recovery? We have to face all the "life stuff" and people we've hurt. It takes time, and I can say that after a year in recovery I thought I was awesome. It took me a few more years to realize I still had a lot to learn.

Many loved ones find al-anon or narcotics anonymous a great help. It's full of people who are dealing with what you are going through.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Spantoh

Thanks Impurrfect, she has actually said some of those exact words to me. I am here for her but am also not trying to rescue or save her. She frankly doesn't want it, which is giving me lots of faith and pride in what she's doing.

btw Lol at Mouth of the South! Great name!

Impurrfect

(((Spantoh))) - it's great that she is saying the same things I did. My dad is convinced I'm cured. I don't use, haven't in over 5 years, but that doesn't mean I'm cured. He just doesn't get it, though he is pretty appreciative of "that recovery board thing you're on"

Mots is DEFINITELY mouth of the south. He will carry on a conversation with you, though I have yet to interpret "meow"

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Spantoh

So confused.. Over the last 2 days she's told me she would like to spend some time tgthr but then is on the other line i beep thru and she does not answer and doesn't call or text me back. Yet earlier today she called me after talking to one of her group members she was talking off the ledge. Called me 'baby'.. you'd have thought Charlize Theron had called me baby! I was ecstatic ha..
What a roller coaster ride this is. Very tough. First meeting is Thursday for me.
Looking forward to it. Gnite all