RachelNorth

Am 47 and sober for 6 weeks. after many years of off and one. I have been estranged from my once close sister (49) for over 10 years. Christmas we made contact and 2 days ago we met after all this time.

I knew she was still drinking but she had never drunk in the house (unlike me) so thought it was controlled. She fell down the stairs 18 months ago and has been partically disabled since then.

Today she phoned me (after our meeting on Saturday). asked for help with money. She has run up bills after beginning to drink in secret. Can't tell her husband, she feels bad that he has ended up her carer, she cannot work.
She talked a lot about guilt, hiding booze from him, he is only wage earner and she feels she drinking it. I so want to help her. My head is still done in from my own messed up life.

I do have money so I can help her but its a bottomless pit. Oh dear. She swore me to secreacy. Her husband was due home from work soon but I said we would speak again. I know she has spoken to no one about her drinking, she knows I have been on and off for years so speaks to me. Oh dear. its so sad, our father died of it.

Any advice.

Michael66

That's a toughy!

If you're willing to help out, could you say it's on condition that the three of you (you, your sister and her husband) sit down and work out a plan for her?

RachelNorth

that sounds good, but when I was sober for 5 years I did nag her all the time. Don't think she's ever tried quitting. It would be a huge step for her. things are going so well for me. this time I mean it and after 6 weeks I feel great and positive. I just wish she felt the same.

tomsteve

IMO, it would be enabling her to continue living the way she is. do you want to bury her? if so, give the money.

tomsteve

this is already screwing with yer thinkin and if ya stay in it, you'll prolly get drunk.

sissy07

I am extremely soft hearted....I guess maybe that is why I have loaned other alcoholics/addicts money, and never once had it been paid back to me. So take what I am about to say with a grain of salt....but here is my take on it.

She needs to get honest with her husband right now. She needs to get help to get sober right now. It is unfair that she has put you in this position. Get her help - take her to AA, set up a counselor for her (and pay for that). I am afraid that if you loan her money it would just be enabling. Besides, she needs to be "honest in all her affairs"...especially with her husband. Hard core, but that is how I feel. Bless her (and you). I know this is hard.

Anna

If you help her financially right now, how is that going to change things? She will take the money and pay the bills and be off drinking again by the next day. How will this change things for next week or next month?

I know this must be hard to deal with, but you must protect your own sobriety first and foremost. Personally, unless she stops drinking today and you believe she has stopped for good, I wouldn't lend her the money.

freshstart57

I agree with these folks here, no money with no strings. Get the dialogue going and see where things go from there. I suggest that you take a look at the Friends and Family forum. Plenty o hardcore there.

SOBERINNEPA

I have a good friend who's brother is in the same condition as your sis.

He offered anything he could give to help his brother get sober but no cash or blank checks. That brought a lot of resentment and abuse from both his brother and their mom but he was sure, deep in his heart, that it was the only effective course of action.

As long as her drinking is kept secret, she won;t get better.

RachelNorth

thanks everyone. I guess I knew what you would say. Oh dear. I am not going to drink again, just want to help her. My mother gave us both a lumpsum last July, this must have gone for her to be in debt.

I know what I have to do. thanks again. I will keep looking into help. She doesn't really know the rules about soberity, she's never tried it. she didn't even know I was sober til we spoke today.

After christmas we talked on the phone, we were both drinking at home in our kitchens. I used to drink all day but I thought it was a one off for her cos we were talking after all these years.

I'm sad that she has gone down the same road as me these last 10 years. I will try to get her sober without money. This will not make me drink.

thanks everyone.

Sapling

I'd hate to see either one of you go the same road as your father. Lead by example for her. Hang on to your sobriety...Work for it. It amazes me how this runs in families. It runs in mine also...And I have a brother like your sister. All I can do is pray for him and stay sober. I'll add a prayer for you two. It can't hurt.

flutter

You could just give her the local AA hotline number.. That would be 'help', padding her rock bottom so she never reaches it, is enabling. She may have to face some real consequences for her poor choices, give her the dignity to experience real life for what it is.

ETA: and YOU can't get HER sober. You might benefit from some alanon meetings, or posting on the Friends and Family side of this message board to see what those great folks who've been through this with us over and over again have to say.

Jitterbugg

Hi Rachel,
I don't know your sister, but I do know how the alcoholic mind works. Are you comfortable giving her money when she'll most likely spend it on booze?

micealc

Shes on a slippery slope.....You have got to detach for your own sake.
Give her no money but give her advice.
Offer to bring her to a Meeting of AA.
Tell her you will do everything you can
to help her...but you wont give her money.

You could get her to look at this site
and let her see that shes not the only one having
Problems with alcohol.....We,re all here to lend support.
Sending you Love and best wishes.

Dee74

some good advice here Rachel - I don't see how lending her the money is going to help her in anything but the short term...and if you do, I'd be prepared for her to be back asking for more, because of course her bills aren't really the problem here.

I can't stress strongly enough too - you can't fix her Rachel.
She needs to want to fix herself.

I can see you love your sister. I've also seen kind hearted souls try to help others too much too soon - and both go down....that way, it's no good for anyone.

Think about good healthy boundaries and stick to them. And lean on us

D

RachelNorth

Thanks all. I'm going to bed. Been another great day (day 42) but this has shaken me. Something I am doing this time sober that I have never done before is a vow every morning. Would sound silly telling anyone but SR.

I put my hand on my heart - more US than UK, and say TODAY I WILL NOT DRINK. NO MATTER HOW BAD OR GOOD ITS GETS, NO MATTER WHAT LIFE THROWS AT ME, NO MATTER WHAT PROBLEMS I ENCOUNTER I WILL NOT TAKE A DRINK.

I have done this every morning for 6 weeks. I was driving to town today before I remembered I had not said it. I said it driving along. Reminded myself not to forget it again and not to slip out of the habit of saying it. Whatever works.

Thanks everyone.