Weasel1966

Sunny Sunday morning.... Chores done house full of food from the grocery run... New flowers planted in the front yard... Feeling damn good about myself for waking up sober. Missed the 1 o'clock meeting because I was planting and lost track of time.

When all was done I told myself I felt strong. Nothing could make me have a drink today. Look at all I had done for myself. Went across the street to be restaurant / bar I always drank at. Figured I could eat and not drink.

As soon as I arrived there were several people I knew. The first hour ticked by no problem. the second...third... And forth hours is where I lost it. What an a$$ to think that in the first few days I can do that. I drank so much I could not speak. Please do not jump on me about this but I got in the car and drove. I know all the things I could have done by driving. I know. But I drove to my dealers house because I could not get him on the phone. I do not remember what was said only that I was there.

I came home empty handed as he was out. I passed out at 7. Woke up several times in the night with terrible panic attacks.

If you saw my posts earlier on Saturday you saw that I did well for half the weekend. But what happened? I can tell you.

I STOPPED WORKING MY PLAN.

The feelings of sobriety on Saturday and Sunday morning were sooooooo good. How can you go from that to utter stupidity.

No way in he!! I am going to give up today. I am angry!!!

hypochondriac

I don't know much of your story weasel but it sounds like you need to be stricter with yourself. Why would you go to a restaurant that you used to drink at?? I get it's nice to do nice things...I used to like sitting in the pub on a sunday afternoon reading the paper but I would never do that now! I've seen a lot of people on here say 'nothing changes if nothing changes'...I like that. Make changes in your routine.

I won't have a go about the driving thing but it is especially my pet hate...I never even learnt how to drive because of my drinking habits. If you can't trust yourself get rid of the car...

Are you going to a meeting today?

I wish you all the best xxx

Weasel1966

I am well aware of the stupidity of the situation. I just needed to tell you folks because you have supported me and I want to be honest.

I never drink and drive this was a rare thing.

I need to sleep when I get home from work. I will go to a meeting tomorrow.

heathersweeds

Hey Weasel!

I would NEVER get on you about drinking and driving as I have 2 DUI's. I will tell you what a terribly expencive and stupid choice "I" made I have done exactly what you have done as far as feeling strong enough! Don't beat yourself up, get back up and start over. Also holidays are very trickey. Yesterday was Mother's Day. I notice my meetings are a little more crowded on these days and feelings are all over the place. But the support of other alcoholics is much needed! I don't mean the one's at the bar next to your home We are all here for you. The chat room here is great to come to and say" I want to drink" You will get encouragement on why you should stay sober!

Weasel1966

Thanks heathers weeds.... I appreciate the "I" statements.

When I get focused on drinking I get tunnel vision. I black out almost everything around me. Trying to reach out is tough. I know I need to change habits. Try harder.

Does anyone else get this fog over them when cravings get to much?

hypochondriac

Sorry if that sounded harsh hun x We've all done stupid things before x

Dee74

The fog? I think a lot of us did...which is all the more reason to prepare for those blank spots, I think.

Think about where you're going and whats likely to happen there - have escape routes planned, if required.

I think even in a fog we can have moments of clarity. Use them.
Have people to call or make time to log on here.

Recovery has to come first.

It can take a lot of work, especially in the early days - a lot of changes are required...but it's either change or do the same things, y'know?

I'm not beating you up Ken - I've been there....but be careful.

All it takes is one bad decision, one second, to sometimes change lives forever.

D

Weasel1966

Dee. Thank you sooooo much. I see you support so many here and you have always been kind to me.

Nothing about my actions was lost on me this morning. I cannot even express the anger I have right now. I cannot beat myself down so much I cannot stay sober. I need to find the balance in the beatings... So to speak.

In fact self love is what I need right now. To value me and those around me by never driving drunk again.

This is... Will be... A success story. I will adjust my plan and move on.

Thank you.

Ken

Dee74

oh, I think drinking is destructive full stop...adding a ton of metal, moving at speed, simply exponentiates the dangers.

Don't get angry tho - get better.
Use that energy positively

D

Anna

Weasel, you can learn from this and move on. Use the anger that you are feeling as a catalyst to move you forward in your recovery.

And, you are right about self-love. It was only by looking back at my drinking days that I realize how much I hated myself. Why else would I keep poisoning my body and doing self-destructive things in my life?

sugarbear1

You mentioned a meeting. Try calling someone once a day so that when you are in that dark place, it will be easier to reach out. Meetings are where you can find a sponsor to take you through the steps, unless of course, it's not an AA meeting you are attending.

Start again!

littlefish

it's helpful to identify triggers. When I was in very early recovery, I thought: "Triggers? What a lot of hog wash! I am not susceptible to such things!" Well, a few relapses later I thought that maybe there was something to it....

A liquor store, a bar that I used to hang out at, those are obvious triggers. And, I have found that for me some of the most powerful triggers aren't physical places at all - they are emotional places. If I find that I am overly stressed in a situation I didn't want to be in in the first place, (fertile grounds for resentment), not seeing a solution to my problem in the near future, (hopelessness), and if I'm quickly developing a solid sense of self-pity: I am in trouble and could take a drink.
I do a lot these days to avoid ending up in that place.
Maybe the restaurant itself was not a powerful trigger, but you mention you met people you knew. Maybe you were feeling lonely, maybe you felt like you deserved a reward.
It sounds like triggers were coming at you from all sides.

If I can give you any advice is to take triggers seriously. I didn't in the beginning, I thought I was too intelligent to be swayed by visuals of alcohol, by habitual patterns, by a place, etc. Now I take them extremely seriously.
In the future, yeah, you might avoid that restaurant. You might avoid ANY place that serves food and alcohol. You might have to do stuff like that for a while.

Weasel1966

You are correct about the people being a trigger. I saw friends.... Well people I drink with.... And felt I needed to keep up.

I will be avoiding this place for a long time. Just unfortunately I have few social outlets. Glad Warmer weather is here so I be outside and do other stuff.

Triggers for me are loneliness, boredom, sadness, certain times of day, certain people, and sooo many more.

Thanks for you post. I do need to take them more serious than I have.

Tuitiefruitie

I look at it this way. You were given another chance, so take it. Today is a new day. It can be better than yesterday. It's up to you.

scoder

Weasel, I'm 20 minutes from you. Let's hit a meeting this week.

Weasel1966

Sure thing. I can use the motivation to get there. I sent a pm to you Paul.

Very new to it and only been to a handful of meetings.

Thanks

Ken

Sapling

That's pretty cool.