ceeceeharley19

Hello, I am new to the group. I met a wonderful man a few months back. We texted each other everyday, and made plans to go for dinner, and then he pulled away. I told him I was confused, had I done something wrong, he said no, I, meaning him confuses himself. He is in AA, And believe he has been for over 10 years maybe more. I don't push, when it comes to him talking about it. He came over to my house one night, and told me that he killed his best friend, he was the driver and he was drunk. I didn't judge him, cause many a night I drove home drunk with friends in the car and it could have been me. but it wasn't me, it was him, and I am assuming, he will beat himself up everyday cause he lived. Or maybe I am wrong, I am not sure how he deals with this in AA. He is very dedicated, he goes to his meeting, he volunteers at a Rehab and gives back to the community a great deal. He works 7 days a week, and has several thriving businesses. He is a good man, but he is very distant with me all of a sudden. I know he likes me, but is it that he feels he doesn't deserve anything after the accident? He is 43, never married and has no kids. I don't want to try and FIX him, all I want to do and say the right things. I have my own demons, we all do. In my heart, it was a terrible accident, and I hope he has started to forgive himself. I have no idea how to approach him, was wondering if someone could help me, so I don't say or do the wrong thing. I have read that his RECOVERY is his, not mine. His Recovery comes first. I understand that, and would never jeopardize that. I just want to be able to be there for him, and let him know ppl care about him and he could be loved if he wanted to be. Thank you, for all and any input.

hypochondriac

I'd recommend reposting that in the friends and family forum Ceecee. They'll be able to help more than a bunch of newly sober folk

I hope you find the help you need xxx

heathersweeds

Hey ceecee!

I certainly know where you are with this right now. Just remember, it's not your job to make sure he is cared about or forgiven. I am a recovering A. Im thinking if he has been in the program for 10yrs, he should have peace with this terrible situation. I'm not saying it totally goes away, but working the 12 steps brings acceptance and forgiveness and an understanding for oneself. This situation really rings a red flag. Recovering A's sometimes, if not keeping up on a daily basis, switch their addictive behaviors to relationships, sex, and excitement. Please be careful. I hate to see women wasting valuable energy on men that don't deserve it!

ceeceeharley19

Thank you both. Heather, I did think about that as well. It seemed like he was much more open a month ago and now has pulled back. If I thought he wasn't interested, I could walk away. However, he texts me everyday, always checks in to see how I am. Thought maybe he did like me and that scared him. Who knows? Suppose to see him this week, just unsure on how to proceed. Thank you for caring.

onlythetruth

I don't know that this is about his recovery per se. After 10 years sober, really most of us are not struggling with drinking anymore. It sounds to me as though this is about his residual guilt over the accident. Either he remains truly damaged by that, which is understandable, or he uses it as a rationale to avoid getting close to others. Either way, however, these are HIS issues not yours.

cheeto

Something I just read that resonates with me:

Sometimes you just need to distance yourself from people.
If they care the'll notice.
If they don't you know where you stand.