Snicklefritz

I have months when recovery goes so well; it's hardly something I think about at all. Then there are times like these. Suddenly I drink one day, then the next, then the next. I know NOT to take that first drink but it seems staying sober is much easier than getting that way. It's as though the first week is the toughest. I'm a different person when I drink. An evil, vicious person and I hate that person. Sorry to ramble on, but I need some tools to get me through that first week. It's my mind that won't shut off. All the guilt and shame rushes through and I think if I take a drink those thoughts will evaporate for a while.

Ranger

Thanks for posting, Snickelfritz, and thank you for the courage you displayed by coming back.

I'd rather see you dealing with the guilt and shame (that will pass!) than continuing your spree w/seemingly no cares in the world, as is so easy to do once the fuse is lit.

Do you suppose there's a correlation between "hardly thinking" about your sobriety and "sudenly drinking"? OCDDan has another thread on this board wherein he asked folks about potential pitfalls. Thus far, complacency appears to be a resounding theme.

Another question....do you think a part of you wants to leave the door cracked open to drinking again?

Hope I haven't been too forward.

nonblondechef

The vivid recollection of guilt, shame, and that first week are a great percentage of what keeps me sober. I refuse to go back there. God bless you, Snicklefritz, and keep working towards continuous sobriety - I know you can do it! :ghug3

Leemzer

Yes, I would say deal with it day to day. I am only on day 10 and I will not lie and say these 10 days have been easy to carve out. They were not. Not that I wanted to drink, per se, but more because I am a counter (even if I try not to), and it is very defeating for me to have to start over at ground zero. I SOOO agree with every single word NBC said.

My advice would be to give yourself a break and pamper yourself this upcoming week instead of beating yourself up. You will probably have to do like I did, though, and as much as it is hard with life and if you have a family, this week needs to be for you...as little self-imposed burdens as possible, eat well, maybe go for a short walk or two, nice long, hot showers, just take care of yourself. And take each day day by day. Don't think "I'll never make it a week." Watch out for your pennies and your dollars will take care of themselves.

You can do this, Snicklefritz! We are here. Oh, and post EVERY single day, if only a line or two. It will keep you accountable and you will read stories of others right there with you that will keep you strong.

Join our May 2012 class if you have not already! Amazing people in there!
Take care and be good to yourself,
lee

Ranger: we have never spoken on here but just wanted to say you dispense some very kind and helpful advice on here. You are non-judgmental and an asset to SR. So thank you!

TheRestorative

I just realized last night while relfecting on my drinking that I often drink to escape feeling certain things, too. I have a lot of intrusive thoughts that come and go, really frightening stuff. I also don't like thinking about past hurt/relationships. Drinking makes all those thoughts go away, usually. For me, it's also a matter of not wanting to be in reality, because reality seems too painful. But I'm starting to really open up to life and reality, and it's exciting to think about creating the life that I want.

hypochondriac

You're not wrong Snicklefritz. I'm still totally amazed that I managed to actually stop drinking, I had never made it past a day before! The memory of that difficulty is what stops me from picking up that first drink, because I know that if I'm drinking, I'm drinking!

Are you using anything to help you like AA or AVRT?

I would ignore any feelings of shame and guilt in your first week and instead treat yourself like the amazing person you actually are for stopping drinking and do all the stuff other than drinking that makes you happy. I wrote a list of things to do which made me happy and that helped me if my mind decided that drinking was the only thing which would make me feel better!

I hope you get through this x

sugarbear1

I couldn't stay stopped on my own. I had to work a program of recovery. Whatever you choose, work it like your life depends on it, mine certainly does! I have a means of working through the guilt and shame. I can be guilt-free and I never want to be totally shameless. We've seen that show on tv....(bad joke) Seriously, we don't want to get rid of all shame, it has it's place, but some shame can be worked through and worked on and it lessens. Guilt and shame helped me to stay stopped, along with changing my habits and old routines.

I can't be complacent. I've been there. It took me many years of messing up everything to get to the point where drinking is not an option for me. I don't compare myself to anyone else in terms of "I didn't drink that much" or "I never drank vodka regularly." Comparing doesn't help me to stay stopped. I've learned that those things I haven't done can certainly be called "not yets" as many things that I hadn't done earlier in my lifetime somehow can now be called "yeah, I really did that."

All I have is today, to live in the now, to make the most of this second in time. When I think about yesterday or try to predict tomorrow, I create stress in my life. I can't do anything about that now. Not totally true, though, I work my program of recovery and I have been able to come to terms with my past, I can take responsibility for that now.

A year ago I was a complete disaster. Angry, hurt, drunk, sick as I was, I stopped drinking, I got into a program of recovery, I joined SR and other sites, I started to work on being happy and positive.... It is a process of change, but for me, it is totally worth changing.

If I had a reservation for drinking, I usually ended up drinking. Today, I don't have any reservations. I can't drink. Simple, not easy, but doable.

AVRT, AA or any other program of recovery in which my mindset can change, I will work it for all it's worth, I am worth that.

No reservations. Program to work. Working for recovery. This is different than my old mindset of "I deserve a drink" (daily reservation at the beer store and my chair) "I'm ok, it's everyone else that's messed up" (I have no program of recovery) and "My way works just fine, thank you very much" (What! Work for recovery? No Way!").

Life is simpler for me today. I am sober. I stay stopped for today. I am learning to enjoy each moment on this planet. Tomorrow isn't promised to anyone, so what are you doing today?

I am a mom. My brother and his wife have been raising my son for several years because of my alcoholism. Today, I am volunteering my time. I will be useful today, not sitting in self-pity or drinking myself to a slow death. I can get through each day without drinking. Maybe along the way I can be helpful to someone else who is suffering in some way and maybe their day will be brighter. Today, I care.

I wish you well on your sober journey! You are certainly worth it!

2granddaughters

AA has helped me get sober and stay sober, might just be the ticket for you too.

All the best.

Bob R

Jitterbugg

Hi Snickle,
I can definitely relate to your post. I too suffer from "Jekyll and Hyde" syndrome when drinking. If I start drinking on a given day, that day carries over to next one, and the one after that etc. Eventually, I will do something or say something to someone which serves no purpose other than to cause hurt. I will wake up one morning so wracked with guilt and shame, that the only way to turn off the inner voice is to drink more and the cycle continues.

I have finally understood that my only rational decision-making occurs when I contemplate that first drink. If I say 'no' to that, I'm good.

OCDDan

Man, ya gotta love this place, so much good advice. TheRestorative reminded me of something that hasn't bothered me in a while. When I first quit drinking, it was hard to give up the thing that made all my problems seem to go away (booze of course), it definitly gets better with time sober.

Snicklefritz, just one other thing, I've noticed the last time i sobered up it felt like after two weeks things got better, not this time, more like three weeks. so the booze got worse but the sobriety got better.