12skiptomylue

Today is 57 days sober. Something shifted in me 2 days ago. I had went to a meeting and talked with my sponsor, and I just felt broken. I drove to a place that felt safe, and I sat there for an hour and a half, reading the big book, praying, crying, and laying down my defenses. I was vulnerable. And I finally became willing.

After that, I felt that I may really be an alcoholic. But, I need to share my back story.

From the time I was 17 to 30, I had an eating disorder (anorexia/bulimia). I lost control of my life. Food, or lack thereof worked for a long time, but then it stopped working, and I couldn't stop my behaviors. I was hopless and suicidal and hated myself. I checked myself into treatment/eating disorder rehab, when I was 22. At age 23, when I was actively trying to recover, I started drinking.

It took some years before I was drinking regularly, getting drunk regularly, drinking by myself, and where alcohol became a way to deal with life, similar to how the eating disorder was my way of dealing with life.

So, I sit in meetings, and I can fully relate to being powerless and unmanagable with my eating disorder. But I don't really believe that my drinking reached that point. I have been able to stop for the last 57 days, although some days have been really hard. But whenever I feel something negative, I instantly think "I want to drink". I drink for the effect, and when I want alcohol, I want it NOWWWWW!!!!

My sponsor said this sounds like early alcoholism. To be honest, I feel like if I continued drinking, I probably would become powerless because I got that way with my eating disorder. And really, it's just that my drug of choice changed from food or starving to alcohol. It would make sense that alcohol would make the same progression that the eating disorder did in my life.

Anyway, I think I might be starting to think that maybe I really am an "early alcoholic". I just am having a hard time accepting it because like I said, I can fully relate to alcoholism in terms of my eating disorder (which I should mention I have fully recovered from), but I don't know for sure that I can fully relate in terms of alcohol.........YET.

Sapling

What do you think an early alcoholic turns into with continued drinking?

12skiptomylue

an alcoholic

Sapling

You've been fighting this a long time skip. It's like you've taken every way around it you can take.....How about a quick one word honest answer....Do you honestly think you are an alcoholic?...One word. Yes or No?

sugarbear1

I see alcoholism as a cousin to diabetes or thyroid disorder or an eating disorder or cutting. They are all filling an empty void and maybe giving us a false sense of control....

Thanks for sharing that, skiptomylue!

artsoul

Hey skip!

I think you're gaining some wonderful insight through all of this! I think there's something in every one of us that feels inadequate and discontent and it's rare that people stop to address those feelings.

I understand why you're wrestling with labels, but I think just recognizing the potential in yourself for alcoholism is a really positive discovery. It can be the motivation for beginning to heal some of the inner pain, for learning how to love and accept yourself. So it's all good, really!:day6

12skiptomylue

so can I just call myself a potential alcoholic?

Sapling: no? maybe? What I know for SURE: That I developed a dependence on alcohol to be okay. And that I still want to be able to drink. Despite knowing that alcohol is not good for me.

workingknee

it's really interesting - something just struck me reading this: I think I've had issues with my mouth m entire life. I'm not sure about early on - but I know my mother left not long after I was born to go to a music concert and I was left with a bottle with my dad, I feel sad when I think about missing out on breastfeeding (after breastfeeding my daughter for a long time). Since I was a young girl I was always thinking about my weight, and was put on a diet as an 7 or 8 year old and was vegetarian since then, then was thin through my teens and early 20's but was OBSESSED with what I ate going from one extreme to another, and going from vegan to vegetarian on and off since I was a teen. At the moment I am back in this obsessive mindset of organic, sugar-free, wheat-free, veganism. I smoke tobacco at nights too, chain smoke rollie cigarettes and drink tea etc. I really think I've had some issues with my mouth or oral behavior - is there such a thing? I wonder if many women feel this way - or many alcoholics? Sorry for interrupting here. . . I just wonder - is it more an obsession of control and letting go? - just realising perhaps it is for me...

Let us know how you are feeling? Sending a hug to that woman, crying and praying and reading for an hour and a half - we're here for you. xxx

Sapling

That's a tough spot to be in....I think I lived about 20 years like that...And then it just beat me down. Like many...I crawled into AA.

workingknee

by the way - congratulations on 57 days sober - that's amazing and fabulous!:day6

tomsteve

It took some years before I was drinking regularly, getting drunk regularly, drinking by myself, and where alcohol became a way to deal with life.

what does this sound like to you??? to me, it sounds like someone who already crossed the line( we wont know it when we do). you may want to learn what it means to be an alcoholic.


what is a "potential alcoholic?"
how bout we call a cup a cup and a car a car.

aeo1313

I am 36 and suffered the same eating disorders from age 13 to age 20. A few times in my adult life I have binged and purged but it is few and far between. There are so many similarities with eating disorders and alcoholism. I am not a "full-blown, daily-drinking, alcoholic", but an alcoholic all the same. The feeling of calm and peace after a binge/purge is similar to the calm and peace after I would get high. To me it's all the same addiction, just different mediums.

12skiptomylue

aeo. Thanks for saying that. We are the same in that way.

I've read "more about alcoholism" in the big book more times than I can count. And each time, I get hung up on the "go out and do research" part. And then I shove the book in people's faces, saying, "the book is telling me to drink". Yeah, I know that is not exactly what it is saying. But honestly, this is the first time I have stopped drinking, and I never really tried moderation. I didn't see the reason to, until now.

Sapling

Maybe they put it in the book for people like you....I don't know.

Dee74

My own personal journey is it took me the best part of twenty years to even acknowledge I had a problem let alone think of the A word...

I think you're doing well Skip....and by this (which I think is great self awareness btw) I think you've done enough research too

D

Zencat

I know how that goes. When I want to do something like drinking, I'll go way out of my way to do it. Its like being on a mission, come hell or high water I'm going to do as I please and nothing is going to stop me.

But when I turn my wants into being free of addiction. I use the same dogged determination I did to jack my life up with alcohol and put all that energy into freeing myself from the bondage of alcoholism.

OCDDan

Hey Skip, what's the difference what it's called, your sober right? that's all that matters now. congratulation on the fifty seven days!

ACT10Npack

12skiptomylue, it does not really matter if you think your an alcoholic or not. If you have a problem with it and deal with that problem then that's all it matters.