Ranting - needed a vent - not very interesting
Jake, 19
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Devon, England
Posts: 212
Ranting - needed a vent - not very interesting
Ugh, sorry to post a rant again on a generally positive forum.
Went back to my university today (i dropped out after making a fool of myself), ended up meeting up with the guys from my old halls, got chatting for a bit and did really well and felt really confident. After a while the novelty of me being there wore off and I felt completely out of place, awkwardness breeds awkwardness and i just kept standing around, occasionally checking my phone, putting no input into conversations. They decided to play "Articulate" together so I announced I was leaving (making it obvious why), one of the girls says "you're joking" in a half jesting voice, I say i'll flip a coin to decide, ugh just feeling so self conscious.. such small things but I just feel like i've made myself look like a complete social reject, I never seem to be able to focus on the positives, like my 2 hour chat with one of the guys about Thailand, the endless hugs I got... it's like my brain is hardwired to focus on slight mistakes.
Then I get in off the train after being a total loser and taking some codeine cough medicine to zone out.. immediately regretted and threw it away and decided to stay strong.. negative thoughts still overwhelming me. Mum's new boyfriend asks me why i turned the gas off in his house, told him I didn't etc, swore on my testicles (lol, how much more serious can you get) and they both just accuse me of drinking and forgetting. It's so frustrating when you get shut out and not listened to.. people just using the drink problem as a reason to not trust you. Obviously I brought it upon myself but mum keeps making sarcastic comments about the drinking even though i've explained it in gross detail, and whenever she doesn't want to believe me about something she just says "you must be drunk" and ends the conversation.. i keep telling her this way of dealing with it is making the problem worse but she just cracks a joke like "oh well maybe if you're so determined to become a wino i should invest your travel money into booze for you instead".. so frustrating.
Sick of feeling like a loser when i probably seemed fine to everyone else... even got a lift down to the train station from old uni mates and a riotous goodbye and a great laugh.. still feel like i'm a total outsider for some reason, it's like i'm deliberately making my self esteem drop.
Again, sorry for the post, just needed to vent. Don't really expect any replies, just as long as I can get some of the energy out (usually I vent to mum but when she causes the problem i have to turn elsewhere.)
Went back to my university today (i dropped out after making a fool of myself), ended up meeting up with the guys from my old halls, got chatting for a bit and did really well and felt really confident. After a while the novelty of me being there wore off and I felt completely out of place, awkwardness breeds awkwardness and i just kept standing around, occasionally checking my phone, putting no input into conversations. They decided to play "Articulate" together so I announced I was leaving (making it obvious why), one of the girls says "you're joking" in a half jesting voice, I say i'll flip a coin to decide, ugh just feeling so self conscious.. such small things but I just feel like i've made myself look like a complete social reject, I never seem to be able to focus on the positives, like my 2 hour chat with one of the guys about Thailand, the endless hugs I got... it's like my brain is hardwired to focus on slight mistakes.
Then I get in off the train after being a total loser and taking some codeine cough medicine to zone out.. immediately regretted and threw it away and decided to stay strong.. negative thoughts still overwhelming me. Mum's new boyfriend asks me why i turned the gas off in his house, told him I didn't etc, swore on my testicles (lol, how much more serious can you get) and they both just accuse me of drinking and forgetting. It's so frustrating when you get shut out and not listened to.. people just using the drink problem as a reason to not trust you. Obviously I brought it upon myself but mum keeps making sarcastic comments about the drinking even though i've explained it in gross detail, and whenever she doesn't want to believe me about something she just says "you must be drunk" and ends the conversation.. i keep telling her this way of dealing with it is making the problem worse but she just cracks a joke like "oh well maybe if you're so determined to become a wino i should invest your travel money into booze for you instead".. so frustrating.
Sick of feeling like a loser when i probably seemed fine to everyone else... even got a lift down to the train station from old uni mates and a riotous goodbye and a great laugh.. still feel like i'm a total outsider for some reason, it's like i'm deliberately making my self esteem drop.
Again, sorry for the post, just needed to vent. Don't really expect any replies, just as long as I can get some of the energy out (usually I vent to mum but when she causes the problem i have to turn elsewhere.)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
I'm sad that your mum is using the drink thing against you hun, that's the kind of thing that makes people stop reaching out for help 
I can relate to deliberately making your self esteem drop thing. It's a downward spiral of negative thoughts which only leads to one place. Getting out of those thought patterns takes practice though. It sounds like you're fully aware of what's going on so maybe practising some CBT techniques would help.
Despite your negative thoughts though it does sound like you had a good time really
I can relate to deliberately making your self esteem drop thing. It's a downward spiral of negative thoughts which only leads to one place. Getting out of those thought patterns takes practice though. It sounds like you're fully aware of what's going on so maybe practising some CBT techniques would help.
Despite your negative thoughts though it does sound like you had a good time really
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,503
It sounds like the visit with your old school friends went pretty well. And, I know what you mean, I would focus on the negative aspects of a visit like that too and totally pass over the good parts of the day. I think your self-esteem is bound to be low as you are stopping drinking. Mine was never lower. But, it can and will pick up again as you grow more confident with your sobriety and as you become more comfortable with yourself.
I'm sorry that your mother spoke to you like that. It is somewhat understandable that she is not sure of you at this time. Hopefully things will change and she will see that you are becoming a different person.
I'm sorry that your mother spoke to you like that. It is somewhat understandable that she is not sure of you at this time. Hopefully things will change and she will see that you are becoming a different person.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Hi MightyMung
I was just reading this and I think it relates to the feelings you are experiencing. Deep, I know... but I dig that kinda stuff. It's from Comfortable with Uncertainty by Pema Chodron.
I guess what I would say to you is to continue on your path, always forward, and you will come to realize that these these can't hurt you. All these reactions from others and the feelings you experience from them can be looked at as opportunities to practice...practice a new way of being.
I was just reading this and I think it relates to the feelings you are experiencing. Deep, I know... but I dig that kinda stuff. It's from Comfortable with Uncertainty by Pema Chodron.
Dissapointment, embarrassment, and all the places where we cannot feel good are a sort of death. We've just lost our ground completely; we are unable to to hold it together and feel that we're on top of things. Rather than realizing that it takes death for there to be birth, we just fight against the fear of death.
Reaching our limit is not some kind of punishment. It's actually a sign of health that when we meet the place we are about to die, we feel fear and trembling. But usually we don't take it as a message that it's time to stop struggling and look directly at what's threatening us. Things like disappointment and anxiety are messages telling us that we're about to go into unknown territory.
When we get what we don't want, when we don't get what we do want, when we become ill....when we see any of these things in our lives, we can begin to see suffering as suffering. Then we can be curious, notice, and be mindful of our reactions. Our pain is so rooted in our lopsided view of reality. Who ever got the idea that we could have pleasure without pain? It's promoted rather widely in this world, and we buy it. But pain and pleasure go together; they are insperable. They can be celebrated. They are ordinary. Birth is painful and delightful. Death is painful and delightful. Everything that ends is the beginning of something else. Pain is not a punishment; pleasure is not a reward.
Reaching our limit is not some kind of punishment. It's actually a sign of health that when we meet the place we are about to die, we feel fear and trembling. But usually we don't take it as a message that it's time to stop struggling and look directly at what's threatening us. Things like disappointment and anxiety are messages telling us that we're about to go into unknown territory.
When we get what we don't want, when we don't get what we do want, when we become ill....when we see any of these things in our lives, we can begin to see suffering as suffering. Then we can be curious, notice, and be mindful of our reactions. Our pain is so rooted in our lopsided view of reality. Who ever got the idea that we could have pleasure without pain? It's promoted rather widely in this world, and we buy it. But pain and pleasure go together; they are insperable. They can be celebrated. They are ordinary. Birth is painful and delightful. Death is painful and delightful. Everything that ends is the beginning of something else. Pain is not a punishment; pleasure is not a reward.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Hi Mighty,
They usually don't drive the "reject looser" to the train station and give them loads of hugs, so that is on you! As for mom, she has probably said those things a thousand times.
You have to put one foot in front of the other and show her in your actions, that this time is different.
No zoning out on any substances allowed! Live in the present and deal with all the feelings.
Even the imagined problems will get less problematic soon.
Hugs
They usually don't drive the "reject looser" to the train station and give them loads of hugs, so that is on you! As for mom, she has probably said those things a thousand times.
You have to put one foot in front of the other and show her in your actions, that this time is different.
No zoning out on any substances allowed! Live in the present and deal with all the feelings.
Even the imagined problems will get less problematic soon.
Hugs
Professional Drunk
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 465
Hi Mighty,
I find it very difficult to socialize now that I'm sober. I am a completely different person socially when I'm drinking. Otherwise, I am an introvert and I find my old friends quite uninteresting. I can't seem to talk to them more than 5-10 mins before I start fiddling with my phone haha.
I find it very difficult to socialize now that I'm sober. I am a completely different person socially when I'm drinking. Otherwise, I am an introvert and I find my old friends quite uninteresting. I can't seem to talk to them more than 5-10 mins before I start fiddling with my phone haha.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
hi Mighty Mung,
Everything is OK, it is good that you are observing your reactions to people, in there lies the answer.
you sound like a lovely person and it is great that you realize the damage the booze is doing in your life so early on.
As you get sober you will be more confident of who you are and where you fit in.
This is the best place to vent, when you have more time u der your belt, people will take you more seriously,if that is what you want, by that time you won't care.
I am coming up to one year sober and my family are amazed, I have never spoken to them about getting sober, going to AA meetings or this forum, this is my thing and there is no point in talking to them about it.
One thing they have picked up by osmosis is not to push me too far, I still bite.
I realize now that I actually don't like to spend too much time around people unless we are doing something, a project, an activity. Idle chit chat bore me.
I threw out my nearly mint new Articulate game cause I had no one to play with.
You will be fine, good on you for coming here and talking about how you feel, this is how we keep sober.
CaiHong
Everything is OK, it is good that you are observing your reactions to people, in there lies the answer.
you sound like a lovely person and it is great that you realize the damage the booze is doing in your life so early on.
As you get sober you will be more confident of who you are and where you fit in.
This is the best place to vent, when you have more time u der your belt, people will take you more seriously,if that is what you want, by that time you won't care.
I am coming up to one year sober and my family are amazed, I have never spoken to them about getting sober, going to AA meetings or this forum, this is my thing and there is no point in talking to them about it.
One thing they have picked up by osmosis is not to push me too far, I still bite.
I realize now that I actually don't like to spend too much time around people unless we are doing something, a project, an activity. Idle chit chat bore me.
I threw out my nearly mint new Articulate game cause I had no one to play with.
You will be fine, good on you for coming here and talking about how you feel, this is how we keep sober.
CaiHong
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