Trying to figure out if I'm an alcoholic.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Atlanta, Ga
Posts: 17
Hey Bruno,
Thanks for the advice. You are all so welcoming and understanding here. Wow, I didn't expect this. As I said I think above, it is 40% alcohol, so it's pretty hard stuff.
I actually went to a counselor, a few weeks back and they referred me out to someone in the community while summer break is in effect. I haven't scheduled an appointment. I think I will.
Thanks for the advice. You are all so welcoming and understanding here. Wow, I didn't expect this. As I said I think above, it is 40% alcohol, so it's pretty hard stuff.
I actually went to a counselor, a few weeks back and they referred me out to someone in the community while summer break is in effect. I haven't scheduled an appointment. I think I will.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Atlanta, Ga
Posts: 17
Challenged,
So what happened? Did you start drinking more and more? How did you end up rationalizing it to yourself? Did you just ignore it? Ugl, this is making me so sad. If I stop for a month, who cares if I keep repeating the pattern? It goes in cycles. I stop for a long time (When I was pregnant, after I was pregnant during breastfeeding for 8 months) Started it back, built my tolerance back up and now here I am two years later. Drinking a pint a night like a hardcore bum. I have to rotate package stores because I begin to notice if the lady got a haircut, and they start having it on the counter for me when I walk in. I'm ashamed, and I don't want them to think I drink every night, so I go to a different store on my way from school. They always suggest I buy 1/5th but I tell them no, I don't drink that much and give them a crazy look. If I do buy a fifth, it's gone in two days and then I really feel crappy.
I guess the more I respond to these posts, the more I'm seeing there's a problem.
So what happened? Did you start drinking more and more? How did you end up rationalizing it to yourself? Did you just ignore it? Ugl, this is making me so sad. If I stop for a month, who cares if I keep repeating the pattern? It goes in cycles. I stop for a long time (When I was pregnant, after I was pregnant during breastfeeding for 8 months) Started it back, built my tolerance back up and now here I am two years later. Drinking a pint a night like a hardcore bum. I have to rotate package stores because I begin to notice if the lady got a haircut, and they start having it on the counter for me when I walk in. I'm ashamed, and I don't want them to think I drink every night, so I go to a different store on my way from school. They always suggest I buy 1/5th but I tell them no, I don't drink that much and give them a crazy look. If I do buy a fifth, it's gone in two days and then I really feel crappy.
I guess the more I respond to these posts, the more I'm seeing there's a problem.
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Originally Posted by ReachingOut25 
I have to rotate package stores because I begin to notice if the lady got a haircut, and they start having it on the counter for me when I walk in. I'm ashamed, and I don't want them to think I drink every night, so I go to a different store on my way from school.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Atlanta, Ga
Posts: 17
M1k3,
You stopped drinking all together? Are you able to moderate? The thing is, when I go out to drink, I'm fine. I know my limit. I'll have 3 drinks (weak ones) and that's it. Honestly, mostly because of the money issue. I hate wasting money at bars. I just can't. So, I buy, get a DD if I go out, and drink pre outing. Hmmm....maybe that's a pretty clear sign. Everyone in college does that, but I guess I'm older than that and I should know better. I'm just confused, slightly. I have a lot of friends who drink heavily when they go out, before they go out, vomit all over themselves, embarrass themselves, and I'm always the one taking care of them because I'm 25 and they're sometimes not even 21. In my school, everyone is rich, they come from money and they grow up to be senators or congresswomen, or CEO's or scientists. You are all saying that they're going to turn into alcoholics? Well...maybe they don't drink every night, but they do drink every weekend. Binge drink. I guess I'm just trying to sort all of this out.
You stopped drinking all together? Are you able to moderate? The thing is, when I go out to drink, I'm fine. I know my limit. I'll have 3 drinks (weak ones) and that's it. Honestly, mostly because of the money issue. I hate wasting money at bars. I just can't. So, I buy, get a DD if I go out, and drink pre outing. Hmmm....maybe that's a pretty clear sign. Everyone in college does that, but I guess I'm older than that and I should know better. I'm just confused, slightly. I have a lot of friends who drink heavily when they go out, before they go out, vomit all over themselves, embarrass themselves, and I'm always the one taking care of them because I'm 25 and they're sometimes not even 21. In my school, everyone is rich, they come from money and they grow up to be senators or congresswomen, or CEO's or scientists. You are all saying that they're going to turn into alcoholics? Well...maybe they don't drink every night, but they do drink every weekend. Binge drink. I guess I'm just trying to sort all of this out.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Atlanta, Ga
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Palemale, thank you...Really good advice. I do procrastinate a lot. There have definitely been times I didn't get an assignment done because I drank. Or, I'll drink early and wake up at 1AM and not go back to sleep. Sometimes I hate that I drank in the morning because I blew something. I've missed a few school events I really wanted to go to because I drank, and got lazy. I'm going to try not drinking for a while. Who needs it anyway? (terrible question)
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Join Date: May 2012
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Originally Posted by Dee74
I'm not trying to scare you but I went cold turkey probably hundreds of times to apparent no ill effect - until the last time.
I know you're not me - you're probably younger and fitter - but a pint of barcardi a night is pretty substantial for anyone.
Don't count on everything being ok, ReachingOut25 - please do think about seeing your Dr. - it's best to be safe
D
I know you're not me - you're probably younger and fitter - but a pint of barcardi a night is pretty substantial for anyone.
Don't count on everything being ok, ReachingOut25 - please do think about seeing your Dr. - it's best to be safe
D
Thanks Dee. I don't know what a doctor can do but tell me to stop, but I will just not drink. I will definitly start posting more often. I really needed this reality check. I have so much to do in life, and the question you asked before was pretty eye opening . Do I think its a problem? Yes. I do think it's a problem. I do. And I need to stop while I have control left. Because apparently this thing can get pretty crazy, right?
Thank you all so much.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
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Welcome ReachingOut!
It's great that you're taking a look at your drinking. When I started drinking most nights, I developed a slight tremor in my hands, too. I'm betting that if you quit for a period of time, you'll notice quite a few positive changes.....
(Just for information's sake, the healthy limit for women is one drink per day... a pint is going to contain a little over 10 drinks, so it's definitely a substantial amount.)
We're glad you're here - keep reading and posting!
It's great that you're taking a look at your drinking. When I started drinking most nights, I developed a slight tremor in my hands, too. I'm betting that if you quit for a period of time, you'll notice quite a few positive changes.....
(Just for information's sake, the healthy limit for women is one drink per day... a pint is going to contain a little over 10 drinks, so it's definitely a substantial amount.)
We're glad you're here - keep reading and posting!
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I don't know what a doctor can do but tell me to stop
D
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Atlanta, Ga
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Dee,
I had to get a full panel workup recently for some blood donations I've been doing for the red cross. They said that I'm in very good health. Low blood pressure, physical is perfect, all the blood work came back good. I would like to see how my liver is doing...I guess I am looking for more stories of how people progressed, and what kind of signs they had, I'll look around the site some more. Ya'll have been very helpful.
I had to get a full panel workup recently for some blood donations I've been doing for the red cross. They said that I'm in very good health. Low blood pressure, physical is perfect, all the blood work came back good. I would like to see how my liver is doing...I guess I am looking for more stories of how people progressed, and what kind of signs they had, I'll look around the site some more. Ya'll have been very helpful.
urban chicken
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 94
Welcome to SR, reachingout25
I'm only on my 5th day, so i will just say there has been really great advice shared with you.
I will share something, a short cautionary tale of my own drinking habits. I drank pretty much the same way, outside smoking cigarettes while my young child slept. Usually just beer, I rarely drank the hard stuff. I had a full time job, was in college and had a great social life. Then my mother died suddenly.
I was so distraught, and the only thing that made me feel better was drinking. The catalyst was set, from then on, *any* stress or sadness was dealt with y drinking it away. Before I knew it, years went by and my once happy life was now one of darkness.
I got tired of the disease, and went to AA. One of te most beautiful times of my life. I loved being sober, and sober loved me, haha. Then one day, that little voice said I could have a few and be fine. So I did and slowly over the next months, the disgust I felt at myself caused me to drink more and more. Finally one night, with my young son watching tv inside while I drank outside, I tried to take my own life. He saw the paramedics trying to revive me, my father numb with shock that his only child may die.
I survived, but I lost everything else. My job, friends, and my son. I will never, ever get him back. Almost dying wasn't bottom enough, I continued to drink. Five years later, and last week I FINALLY HAD ENOUGH!!! I have every reason to be grateful for my life and that I get alot of visitation with my son, I have a wonderful loving husband and family, yet I let the alcohol tell me it was better than all those things. It's not.
I hope I didn't overshare, but what you are doing now is what I started doing 15 years ago. I certainly don't judge you nor do I think you will fall into the same situation. To be honest, neither did I.
Again welcome to SR, this is a wonderful place, I check in everyday to keep me focused on *today*. It's working beautifully so far.
roosta
I'm only on my 5th day, so i will just say there has been really great advice shared with you.
I will share something, a short cautionary tale of my own drinking habits. I drank pretty much the same way, outside smoking cigarettes while my young child slept. Usually just beer, I rarely drank the hard stuff. I had a full time job, was in college and had a great social life. Then my mother died suddenly.
I was so distraught, and the only thing that made me feel better was drinking. The catalyst was set, from then on, *any* stress or sadness was dealt with y drinking it away. Before I knew it, years went by and my once happy life was now one of darkness.
I got tired of the disease, and went to AA. One of te most beautiful times of my life.
I loved being sober, and sober loved me, haha. Then one day, that little voice said I could have a few and be fine. So I did and slowly over the next months, the disgust I felt at myself caused me to drink more and more. Finally one night, with my young son watching tv inside while I drank outside, I tried to take my own life. He saw the paramedics trying to revive me, my father numb with shock that his only child may die.I survived, but I lost everything else. My job, friends, and my son. I will never, ever get him back. Almost dying wasn't bottom enough, I continued to drink. Five years later, and last week I FINALLY HAD ENOUGH!!! I have every reason to be grateful for my life and that I get alot of visitation with my son, I have a wonderful loving husband and family, yet I let the alcohol tell me it was better than all those things. It's not.
I hope I didn't overshare, but what you are doing now is what I started doing 15 years ago. I certainly don't judge you nor do I think you will fall into the same situation. To be honest, neither did I.
Again welcome to SR, this is a wonderful place, I check in everyday to keep me focused on *today*. It's working beautifully so far.
roosta
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 41
Hi ReachingOut, the official medical line I always read is that excessive drinking is more than 2 drinks a day for a male and more than 1 drink a day for a female, and more than 14 drinks a week for a male and more than 7 drinks a week for a female. For heavy drinkers those numbers sound ridiculous but there they are. And amounts higher than that over time progressively increase your likelihood of a range of types of cancer and damage to nearly every part of your body. Note that you're drinking about 10 times that threshold level, which will certainly damage you in a number of ways if you keep it up over time.
What's interesting is that just learning the bad health effects of drinking wasn't enough for me to stop, just like learning the bad health effects of eating junk food wasn't enough for me to change my diet. What I needed to do for the dietary change, and hopefully will work for my drinking, is to take a close look at my psychology and the decision-making process I go through and identify the points where I'm capable of deciding to check the unhealthy activity so that I never get to the point where I lose control. For instance, when eating people will eat everything on their plate without regard to how much or how unhealthy it is and ignoring how much they may know it's too much or unhealthy for them -- so I make sure I only have moderate amounts of healthy food in front of me in the first place. For drinking, once I have a couple drinks I can lose control and head off in search of some silly adventure that ends up with my getting home at 4 AM completely obliterated and the next day is a disaster, so I think the answer for me simply not drinking at all.
So I would strongly suggest you need to stop drinking anywhere near as much as you are. But I would also suggest that you need to thinking deeply about how your mind works and how and when you can avoid the drinking process. My process of food consumption starts with shopping -- when I'm at the store I buy healthy fruits, vegetables and whole grains so that's all I have at home. Can you make your decision when you decide not to buy the booze in the first place, and thus it won't be around for you in the first place? I'm suggesting that you think about where it is that you lose control and realize your decision process needs to be earlier on than that and steer yourself away from the control-losing point completely so you never get there. I understand there's a physical/psychological dependence here and stopping cold turkey may create deeper problems but those are my thoughts.
What's interesting is that just learning the bad health effects of drinking wasn't enough for me to stop, just like learning the bad health effects of eating junk food wasn't enough for me to change my diet. What I needed to do for the dietary change, and hopefully will work for my drinking, is to take a close look at my psychology and the decision-making process I go through and identify the points where I'm capable of deciding to check the unhealthy activity so that I never get to the point where I lose control. For instance, when eating people will eat everything on their plate without regard to how much or how unhealthy it is and ignoring how much they may know it's too much or unhealthy for them -- so I make sure I only have moderate amounts of healthy food in front of me in the first place. For drinking, once I have a couple drinks I can lose control and head off in search of some silly adventure that ends up with my getting home at 4 AM completely obliterated and the next day is a disaster, so I think the answer for me simply not drinking at all.
So I would strongly suggest you need to stop drinking anywhere near as much as you are. But I would also suggest that you need to thinking deeply about how your mind works and how and when you can avoid the drinking process. My process of food consumption starts with shopping -- when I'm at the store I buy healthy fruits, vegetables and whole grains so that's all I have at home. Can you make your decision when you decide not to buy the booze in the first place, and thus it won't be around for you in the first place? I'm suggesting that you think about where it is that you lose control and realize your decision process needs to be earlier on than that and steer yourself away from the control-losing point completely so you never get there. I understand there's a physical/psychological dependence here and stopping cold turkey may create deeper problems but those are my thoughts.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
ReachingOut,
If you want some good motivation to quit now go read I the adult children of alcoholics forum. You can find out what not stopping could lead to with your child.
I am in the process of divorcing my wife of 36 years due to her alcoholism and pill use. I seperated from her a year ago. Living alone was great. I went for years not drinking hoping it would motivate her not to drink. So when I got my own apartment I thought there was no reason I couldn't drink now. As time went it it was just becoming a part of my daily life, I'd come home from work and the first thing I would do is have a drink if I wasn't going out. If I was going out then first thing when I got home. Never got really wasted but it seemed like as time went on I needed to buy booze more often than before.
Having watched my wife's decent into alcoholism that scared the bejeesus out of me. I saw up close and personal where that could lead. I have a great relationship with my daughters and my grandchildren and she is barely tolerated around them. I was not going down that path myself.
So yes I quit. Moderation was not even an option once I thought there might be the slightest chance I could have a problem with alcohol.
Just a little something to think about. Oh, and Btw, my father was an alcoholic. No kid deserves that.
Your friend,
If you want some good motivation to quit now go read I the adult children of alcoholics forum. You can find out what not stopping could lead to with your child.
I am in the process of divorcing my wife of 36 years due to her alcoholism and pill use. I seperated from her a year ago. Living alone was great. I went for years not drinking hoping it would motivate her not to drink. So when I got my own apartment I thought there was no reason I couldn't drink now. As time went it it was just becoming a part of my daily life, I'd come home from work and the first thing I would do is have a drink if I wasn't going out. If I was going out then first thing when I got home. Never got really wasted but it seemed like as time went on I needed to buy booze more often than before.
Having watched my wife's decent into alcoholism that scared the bejeesus out of me. I saw up close and personal where that could lead. I have a great relationship with my daughters and my grandchildren and she is barely tolerated around them. I was not going down that path myself.
So yes I quit. Moderation was not even an option once I thought there might be the slightest chance I could have a problem with alcohol.
Just a little something to think about. Oh, and Btw, my father was an alcoholic. No kid deserves that.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: nc
Posts: 62
Sounds like you have become dependent on alcohol. Yes there is a controlled drinking process the ones who drank once and a while and dont have the trouble alcoholics have with the booze. For a alcoholic 1 isn't enough and a 1000 ain't to many. You could try AA or posting may work for you what ever it takes to stay sober because the drinking will only get worse. God bless.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Atlanta, Ga
Posts: 17
You know...The interesting thing, is that the one piece of literature that is stapled in my mind is Augusten Burroughs's "Dry" I read that book a few years back, and it made me aware of alcoholism, and how absolutely devastating it can be on a persons life, and the people that are in their lives. It scared the crap out of me. The fact that it is a lifelong struggle, and that failure is so high, relapses are so common, success stories so rare. Before I read that book, I had no idea alcoholism was an issue. My parents could polish off a case a night, and did so frequently, but I never saw it as a drinking disease. It's just the way it was. I don't think they were functioning alcoholics, they did their jobs as parents, but maybe that wasn't good enough. Roosta, your story is so heartbreaking. I can't imagine...I feel out of control with so much in my life, maybe I feel like drinking is the only control I have. Ahhh! This is so scary! I came on here to see what symptoms of alcoholism were, to hear people who have crossed the line, to draw hope that maybe I was overreacting. I'll conduct an experiment. I have decided it's becoming a problem.
So, I won't drink. Someone mentioned habits. Well, my habit is to drink and smoke, and I don't like the taste of alcohol at all, which is why I need a coke to chase it, and I can't stand the taste of ciggs, so I need the alcohol to get rid of that. So...if I quit both, I should be fine. Cigg cravings are way worse than alcohol-so that part will be hard. The gum doesn't work for me, it's not the withdrawal that gets to me, its the habit of smoking itself.
Anyway, I'll also go to that therapist, see what she says.
I will keep in touch, and I have read all of your comments, so thank you all so much.
So, I won't drink. Someone mentioned habits. Well, my habit is to drink and smoke, and I don't like the taste of alcohol at all, which is why I need a coke to chase it, and I can't stand the taste of ciggs, so I need the alcohol to get rid of that. So...if I quit both, I should be fine. Cigg cravings are way worse than alcohol-so that part will be hard. The gum doesn't work for me, it's not the withdrawal that gets to me, its the habit of smoking itself.
Anyway, I'll also go to that therapist, see what she says.
I will keep in touch, and I have read all of your comments, so thank you all so much.
New beginnings are the best!
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 124
This all sounds so familiar, only my drinking turned into hysteria and very dramatic side effects occured. I got myself up to a pint of bacardi every night, and I felt like garbage. If you're not experiencing any signs of a hangover after a pint of hard liquor, then you're either eating an extremely healthy diet or something, or you're not being honest with yourself about how the alcohol is making you feel. Just saying. I know it's you and not me, but this is serious. How long have you been drinking this much? I can definitely relate to the giddy, energetic hangover..... though, it's still a hangover, nonetheless. Bad energy is still energy, so it makes you feel as though it's alright, even when it's not. I agree with some of the others about doing a moderation test and really seeing where your dependancy lies. I hope you find your resolution. I know that I am very blessed to have found this place, and to have met some of these wonderful people!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Atlanta, Ga
Posts: 17
The Restorative,
That's the thing, that's the problem, I think. I don't feel bad at all after I drink. (Physically) I feel guilty, because I know that drinking so much must be terrible. But I'm very healthy, I exersice 60 minutes a day in between classes on the elliptical, I eat organic, whole grains, make all of the food I eat. My day time life is the opposite of my sad, pathetic night time life. I dont even have FRIENDS that drink. I don't smoke during the day, it's only the morning that my chest feels heavy, and after I drink, I can still do things, I just prefer to go to sleep.
The only reason I came on here was because of the slight shaking, but I've been drinking so much coffee and Red Bulls during finals, I couldn't decide if it was the caffeine or the drinking. This is the time that I'd usually drink, and I'm up, writing a paper (probably pulling an all nighter) and I feel fine, tired, but fine. No urge to run to the package store...Although there have been some Sundays (Dry State) that I've felt the urge to ask a friend for alcohol because I didn't have any. That's crazy...Obviously, I didn't do it.
I need to figure out what triggers me to want it. Maybe therapy can help.
The truth is, I wish it made me feel like crap. Because then I wouldn't drink. If I'm not 100% for my kid, there's a problem. Now, if I drink Vodka, or basically any other drink but Bacardi Gold, I DO feel like crap. I can't even drink beer without feeling disgusting the next day. So I avoid those drinks. But Bacardi Gold, I can drink with seemingly no side effects. The logical part of me is saying there is no WAY I can drink that much and not be doing damage. So, there it is.
That's the thing, that's the problem, I think. I don't feel bad at all after I drink. (Physically) I feel guilty, because I know that drinking so much must be terrible. But I'm very healthy, I exersice 60 minutes a day in between classes on the elliptical, I eat organic, whole grains, make all of the food I eat. My day time life is the opposite of my sad, pathetic night time life. I dont even have FRIENDS that drink. I don't smoke during the day, it's only the morning that my chest feels heavy, and after I drink, I can still do things, I just prefer to go to sleep.
The only reason I came on here was because of the slight shaking, but I've been drinking so much coffee and Red Bulls during finals, I couldn't decide if it was the caffeine or the drinking. This is the time that I'd usually drink, and I'm up, writing a paper (probably pulling an all nighter) and I feel fine, tired, but fine. No urge to run to the package store...Although there have been some Sundays (Dry State) that I've felt the urge to ask a friend for alcohol because I didn't have any. That's crazy...Obviously, I didn't do it.
I need to figure out what triggers me to want it. Maybe therapy can help.
The truth is, I wish it made me feel like crap. Because then I wouldn't drink. If I'm not 100% for my kid, there's a problem. Now, if I drink Vodka, or basically any other drink but Bacardi Gold, I DO feel like crap. I can't even drink beer without feeling disgusting the next day. So I avoid those drinks. But Bacardi Gold, I can drink with seemingly no side effects. The logical part of me is saying there is no WAY I can drink that much and not be doing damage. So, there it is.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
What you describes reminds me of the mental obsession that I have regarding the first drink. When drinking is an option my mind fixates on it. "When can I drink, where will I drink, what will I drink, how much will I drink"? When I go a day or two without drinking I am almost physically "giddy" when I start lining up my buzz.
It's just not a very peaceful way to live. For me, I have to take the option of drinking off the table. It's the only way I can live with any type of serenity.
The fact is "normal" drinkers don't do that. They just don't. They don't plan their day around the amazing, life altering, act of drinking booze. I do. They don't. I am an alcoholic. No doubt in my mind.
So, I don't know if you have a drinking "problem" but it does sound like you spend a lot of time thinking about drinking. Just my two cents.
Welcome to SR!
It's just not a very peaceful way to live. For me, I have to take the option of drinking off the table. It's the only way I can live with any type of serenity.
The fact is "normal" drinkers don't do that. They just don't. They don't plan their day around the amazing, life altering, act of drinking booze. I do. They don't. I am an alcoholic. No doubt in my mind.
So, I don't know if you have a drinking "problem" but it does sound like you spend a lot of time thinking about drinking. Just my two cents.
Welcome to SR!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Atlanta, Ga
Posts: 17
Reggie,
Thanks for your input. I appreciate it! I go all day without thinking about drinking. (RIght now) The reason I'm concerned is because I'll pass a package store and THEN start thinking about drinking. That's why I'm here, because I feel like I'm at that tipping point. I don't look forward to going home to drink, as much as I look forward to getting out of school to have a smoke. I think about having a smoke maybe 3 times a day, and think how great it'll be to have a smoke. Right now, I'm drinking coffee, and wish I had a pack. I'm way more addicted to smoking than drinking. But I totally understand what you're saying...If I don't reign this in, perhaps I WILL be looking forward to drinking as much as I currently look forward to smoking.
I'm here because I don't want to get to that point, and I wanted to get educated and I'm so glad I did. I know what I have to do, and I just want to try and take the time to respond to all of you as you have been so kind in responding to me. This is pretty embarrassing for me, because I've never admitted I have these habbits. I think about them all the time. When I wonder if I'm a good and responsible person, I have to say no. BEcause of these awful secrets I keep. So, it feels good to own up.
Thanks for your input. I appreciate it! I go all day without thinking about drinking. (RIght now) The reason I'm concerned is because I'll pass a package store and THEN start thinking about drinking. That's why I'm here, because I feel like I'm at that tipping point. I don't look forward to going home to drink, as much as I look forward to getting out of school to have a smoke. I think about having a smoke maybe 3 times a day, and think how great it'll be to have a smoke. Right now, I'm drinking coffee, and wish I had a pack. I'm way more addicted to smoking than drinking. But I totally understand what you're saying...If I don't reign this in, perhaps I WILL be looking forward to drinking as much as I currently look forward to smoking.
I'm here because I don't want to get to that point, and I wanted to get educated and I'm so glad I did. I know what I have to do, and I just want to try and take the time to respond to all of you as you have been so kind in responding to me. This is pretty embarrassing for me, because I've never admitted I have these habbits. I think about them all the time. When I wonder if I'm a good and responsible person, I have to say no. BEcause of these awful secrets I keep. So, it feels good to own up.
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