My wife might be leaving me
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Reggie, everything they said above.
I understand your pain and frustration. I went through a very similar situation, but no young children were involved, and it was very heart breaking, scary, and frustrating.
I don't know if this applies in your situation, but I truly think it was part of mine. For a long time my husband had my issues as a scapegoat. I was clearly the one with problems (not only addiction) and he was the one who had to "put up with them".
The timing of his telling me he just couldn't take it anymore, was when I was deeply addressing them and pulling myself together.
Now what was he going to do? Like everyone, he has his issues too. His own words to me were "I'm more comfortable when you're not here, because I don't have to feel like a bad husband."
If I wasn't there causing a distraction with my behavior, he didn't have to ever address his own. When I was getting myself together, and some of his choices were surfacing and stinky, well, that didn't feel very good to him. His method of addressing that was to tell me to leave, so he could feel ok about HIMSELF.
That man was the love of my life. The sense of hurt, loss and betrayal were/are huge. But now, I do have the time to address my own issues, out of the dynamics of that relationship, which were complex and keeping both of us in some unhealthy patterns. I guess that's the silver lining.
If there ever is a second chance for us, I will be better prepared to make clear choices if I work on my sobriety now. And if there is no second chance, I am still better off (so are my kids) because I am in recovery.
I understand your pain and frustration. I went through a very similar situation, but no young children were involved, and it was very heart breaking, scary, and frustrating.
I don't know if this applies in your situation, but I truly think it was part of mine. For a long time my husband had my issues as a scapegoat. I was clearly the one with problems (not only addiction) and he was the one who had to "put up with them".
The timing of his telling me he just couldn't take it anymore, was when I was deeply addressing them and pulling myself together.
Now what was he going to do? Like everyone, he has his issues too. His own words to me were "I'm more comfortable when you're not here, because I don't have to feel like a bad husband."
If I wasn't there causing a distraction with my behavior, he didn't have to ever address his own. When I was getting myself together, and some of his choices were surfacing and stinky, well, that didn't feel very good to him. His method of addressing that was to tell me to leave, so he could feel ok about HIMSELF.
That man was the love of my life. The sense of hurt, loss and betrayal were/are huge. But now, I do have the time to address my own issues, out of the dynamics of that relationship, which were complex and keeping both of us in some unhealthy patterns. I guess that's the silver lining.
If there ever is a second chance for us, I will be better prepared to make clear choices if I work on my sobriety now. And if there is no second chance, I am still better off (so are my kids) because I am in recovery.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 205
RW, I read your post last night just before going to bed and it troubled me all night and throughout today. I had hoped the I could come up with something enlightening to say to you about your situation, but nothing has come to me.
I can certainly understand your sadness about the situation. I also greatly respect your strength and grace with which you intend to maintain your sobriety in light of the bombshell your wife dropped on you. That is one of the best things you can do right now for your son and yourself. We are good to no one with a drink in hand. Stay strong and I hope things turn out well for you. My thoughts are with you dude.
I can certainly understand your sadness about the situation. I also greatly respect your strength and grace with which you intend to maintain your sobriety in light of the bombshell your wife dropped on you. That is one of the best things you can do right now for your son and yourself. We are good to no one with a drink in hand. Stay strong and I hope things turn out well for you. My thoughts are with you dude.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
Originally Posted by awuh1 
I have seen this often. A person with an alcohol problem gets sober. Their spouse starts voicing lots of problems with the relationship. Coincidence? On rare occasions, perhaps, but not often. What I have noticed is that the spouse of a problem drinker often senses a loss of control when the other quits. They experience an individual they cannot easily manipulate with guilt and with the reward of “allowing drinking” as they did in the past. I think sometimes these folks even seek out alcoholics in relationships so that they can feel powerful, or at least in control. This is all about fear of course. They are afraid of what will happen if they lose the control in a relationship. If they can acknowledge this fear and face it there is a chance for the relationship to move forward.
I’m not saying this is for sure what’s going on, but I’ve seen this before. 9 days SOBER and she chooses now to leave? The timing is at the very least unsupportive.
I’m not saying this is for sure what’s going on, but I’ve seen this before. 9 days SOBER and she chooses now to leave? The timing is at the very least unsupportive.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Sorry to hear that ODAT63. I’m not sure what might be going on in the situation you describe. If you are the one who hung in there with a true alcoholic, you’re better than most, and that’s bound to be recognized by the more astute among us, alcoholic or not.
*Grateful*
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,619
Reggie, I am so sorry she has chosen to leave. The only thing you can control is your reaction to her. I pray that your HP would give you correct reaction. Keep pressing on and doing the next right thing.
Do you think she would be open to some sort of counseling?
Do you think she would be open to some sort of counseling?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Present Moment
Posts: 646
RW,
Be the best sober Dad you can be. The rest will fall into place....maybe not exactly as you want, but being a sober Dad will get you through it. I truly believe this.
It's key to stay focused on what you DO have control over.
Big hugs.
Be the best sober Dad you can be. The rest will fall into place....maybe not exactly as you want, but being a sober Dad will get you through it. I truly believe this.
It's key to stay focused on what you DO have control over.
Big hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 1,387
RW, Heartbreaking situation. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this now. Whatever you do, don't drink. You need to have a clear head and as much self-esteem as you can muster right now. Drinking would destroy that. You are in my thoughts - you have been since I read your post earlier today. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Sober State
Posts: 1,126
Maybe she needs time to adjust. Getting sober changes the dynamics of most all relationships. Change is scary to everyone.
You just do the right thing, stay sober, be an understanding husband, keep being a good father & pray.
You just do the right thing, stay sober, be an understanding husband, keep being a good father & pray.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 120
I know that now you feel like saying "screw it, I want a drink", but don't do it. All of the drinking that was done in the past was a worse example than a divorce could ever be (and neither of those are good). Staying sober will be the best way to lead your life as an example for your kids. Don't do it...
Good luck to you..
Good luck to you..
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by awuh1
the spouse of a problem drinker often senses a loss of control when the other quits. They experience an individual they cannot easily manipulate with guilt and with the reward of “allowing drinking” as they did in the past.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
Hi guys.. just checking in. It's been a few tough days but I'm STILL SOBER. Have not drank, been in close contact with my sponsor, been going to meetings, etc.. There is a lot of stuff that has gone on. Too much to list here. But tonight I go to bed, with my youngest son with me, sober, focused, and grateful.
Thank you all for you kind words and advice. I appreciate it!
Have a good night all..
Thank you all for you kind words and advice. I appreciate it!
Have a good night all..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Middle of no where, oklahoma
Posts: 2,696
early in my sobriety my husband acted a bit strange, very out of character. He didn't want me to go to meetings and I felt like I was always sneaking off. He had no problem when I was bartending and getting home at4 or 5. this was too much fir me to handle and I had to put that pain he was causing me on a shelf. I also began to say a prayer for him everytime I felt hurt by him. I did not bite back.... at all. even when he was wrong.
Things are changing for us. He doesn't question my need to go to meetings. He is seeing the results.
When I went to get all that pain off the shelf it had dissappeared.
I later realized that he has been my only rescue for 20 yrs. I'm changing now I just have to show him that that is good for all of us.
Keep hanging in there
Things are changing for us. He doesn't question my need to go to meetings. He is seeing the results.
When I went to get all that pain off the shelf it had dissappeared.
I later realized that he has been my only rescue for 20 yrs. I'm changing now I just have to show him that that is good for all of us.
Keep hanging in there
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Atlanta, Ga
Posts: 17
Hey Reggie,
Wow...this brought up some memories. I left my ex husband five months after my daughter was born. Let me just quickly clarify a couple of things:
1. Your wife knows you have a drinking problem. It's just something you can't hide. My ex didin't drink at all, and hated the smell of alcohol, so I'd sneak it outside, (even then) I would brush my teeth, rub lotion all over and be smelling like a bed of roses after just one drink. (Smoking, usually too and he really hated that) But, the smell of alcohol is hard to hide, and sometimes he could smell it.
2. We had a lot of problems in our relationship. He had his addictions, and although they were not substances, they were other types of addictions. He also had a temper, and would say really mean hurtful things just to hurt me. I don't know what the problems are in your relationship, but it's important for you not to diminish the role you played.
3. You worry about her not being "all or nothing" I had left my ex a couple of times before because the arguements were escalating, things were thrown, tempers were lost and the second it got physical, obviously I couldn't stay. But, I came back and since then he was always thinking I was going to run out. And I did threaten that for a while every time he did something wrong. Through counseling, I was able to see that what I was doing was not fair to him, so I stopped. Counseling does help a lot. It mediates for you and your wife so that you express your frustrations in a healthy way. When we stopped going to counseling, everyone stopped seeing the errors of thier ways and things fell apart. We hadn't learned to communicate yet.
4. You do have to put your sobriety first. If you have a relapse, then you're no good to your son, or your wife. Sometimes, distance makes the heart grow fonder, but don't let the distance swallow you up. When I left my ex I was miserable. That is when my drinking revved up. I was alone, no one to tell me not to-I was sad, pathetic and angry and hurt. I started drinking chimay, and mixing drinks, later I got bored with the prep work and just went with bacardi, I stopped drinking for the taste, and started drinking for the effect. My point is, stay focused, stay strong, and be receptive to change and communication from her.
Sometimes, women just need to be held, even when they are angry. Even when they are walking out the door. Just hold her-But remember why you had to, and the next time you find yourself about to be in the wrong, look at your actions from her perspective. And she should do the same.
I hope this helps.
Wow...this brought up some memories. I left my ex husband five months after my daughter was born. Let me just quickly clarify a couple of things:
1. Your wife knows you have a drinking problem. It's just something you can't hide. My ex didin't drink at all, and hated the smell of alcohol, so I'd sneak it outside, (even then) I would brush my teeth, rub lotion all over and be smelling like a bed of roses after just one drink. (Smoking, usually too and he really hated that) But, the smell of alcohol is hard to hide, and sometimes he could smell it.
2. We had a lot of problems in our relationship. He had his addictions, and although they were not substances, they were other types of addictions. He also had a temper, and would say really mean hurtful things just to hurt me. I don't know what the problems are in your relationship, but it's important for you not to diminish the role you played.
3. You worry about her not being "all or nothing" I had left my ex a couple of times before because the arguements were escalating, things were thrown, tempers were lost and the second it got physical, obviously I couldn't stay. But, I came back and since then he was always thinking I was going to run out. And I did threaten that for a while every time he did something wrong. Through counseling, I was able to see that what I was doing was not fair to him, so I stopped. Counseling does help a lot. It mediates for you and your wife so that you express your frustrations in a healthy way. When we stopped going to counseling, everyone stopped seeing the errors of thier ways and things fell apart. We hadn't learned to communicate yet.
4. You do have to put your sobriety first. If you have a relapse, then you're no good to your son, or your wife. Sometimes, distance makes the heart grow fonder, but don't let the distance swallow you up. When I left my ex I was miserable. That is when my drinking revved up. I was alone, no one to tell me not to-I was sad, pathetic and angry and hurt. I started drinking chimay, and mixing drinks, later I got bored with the prep work and just went with bacardi, I stopped drinking for the taste, and started drinking for the effect. My point is, stay focused, stay strong, and be receptive to change and communication from her.
Sometimes, women just need to be held, even when they are angry. Even when they are walking out the door. Just hold her-But remember why you had to, and the next time you find yourself about to be in the wrong, look at your actions from her perspective. And she should do the same.
I hope this helps.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
Good luck over the next few weeks, if ever there was a time to keep your head straight it's now. If ever there was a time to box clever and wisely it's now. For you for your children and certainly for your wife.
We can't change what people do but with thought we can slow that train wreck and even salvage something but it needs thought and a plan.
Good luck with the sober time.
John.
We can't change what people do but with thought we can slow that train wreck and even salvage something but it needs thought and a plan.
Good luck with the sober time.
John.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 205
Thanks for the update RW. I know things must be pretty hectic for you right now. Just continue to do the next right thing and in the end, regardless of what your wife does, you will be a better man because of it.
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