Occasional Binge Drinking
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Join Date: May 2012
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Occasional Binge Drinking
Hello everyone,
My main issue now is that every once in a while I go out and drink way too much, then spend the whole next day bombed out. Generally I wake up still drunk and some times have been throwing up throughout the afternoon although usually I've just been stuck in bed all day in agony. This has been happening maybe 3-5 times a month for the last 9 months.
There's a few factors here -- I've had a bunch of ridiculously stressful events happen in my life the last 4 years and especially the last 9 months. Basically last summer I discovered my wife had been having serial affairs for several years and filed for divorce, and she's been an insane person essentially trying to destroy me however she can since then. Then my business, which has been doing poorly for years, was severely damaged by fraud for the second time in the last 4 years. So I've had a lot of stressors and the binge drinking has clearly been partly a coping mechanism.
Another aspect though has been that I've actually been living a very healthy lifestyle otherwise and have lost a lot of weight -- I'm about 20 lbs less than I was before my marriage 10 years ago, which was the last time I really went out and drank regularly. So my tolerance is much less than it was then and when I drink at the same rate I used to I get destroyed b/c I have half the body fat I used to. Also I'm almost a vegan in my eating habits so my stomach isn't full of the dense high-energy foods that soak up alcohol so a little booze hits me much harder.
On top of that is that I'm trying to figure out how to date and meet women again, and of course alcohol can be a huge crutch for that. I've met a number of women drinking in bars over the last 9 months and of course I just remember the positive experiences which encourage me to continue. I work alone in my home office for the business I run, so in a way hitting bars and drinking can be a way to hit a social "on" switch.
Digging deeper, when I was younger at times I drank very heavily although doctor checkups have always said liver function is OK now. In college and for a few years after (20 yrs ago now) I was physically dependent on alcohol but so was everyone I knew -- not that that's an excuse but I feel a big part of the reason I was like that was the social environment.
But when I've had a lot to drink I'm a nasty drunk and can be verbally abusive I know, and there were a number of times when I said terrible things to my wife that damaged our relationship when I was drinking heavily. The same thing happened in a prior relationship I had, and these relationships were mutually emotionally abusive and partly fueled by alcohol. That's one of the problems I've had -- I've met women while drinking, and drinking has been a part of the relationship along with some crazy behavior by both of us. So I'm thinking now how nice it would be to meet a girl and have a relationship that doesn't involve drunkeness.
Clearly I've been using alcohol as a social crutch, and wouldn't it be nice to overcome social anxiety issues simply by becoming more socially confident and secure instead?
Another problem is that drinking is such an incremental part of business dinners and general socializing and it's important to be able to engage with people in these ways. Over the last 9 months many times I've been able to have a drink or two and that's it and that's fine. But then someone will speed things up and suddenly I'm in "screw it, let's go all out" mode and then I get home at 4 in the morning and maybe do something stupid like call an old friend even though it's a Wed night and the guy is a partner in a law firm who doesn't think it's as funny as it was when we were 25.
So I'm wondering if I'm capable of sticking to something like a 2 drink rule. I read about the military's 0-0-1-3 rule, which is 0 underage drinking, 0 drinking and driving, 1 drink per hour limit and 3 drink per day limit. I'm really into achieving things through systematic application of rules that work, and maybe the same thing would work here. Dunno, but I really don't want to continue with the occasional binge drinking / terrible recovery days and physical/social/psychological damage that goes along with it.
Thanks for listening and any comments/thoughts.
My main issue now is that every once in a while I go out and drink way too much, then spend the whole next day bombed out. Generally I wake up still drunk and some times have been throwing up throughout the afternoon although usually I've just been stuck in bed all day in agony. This has been happening maybe 3-5 times a month for the last 9 months.
There's a few factors here -- I've had a bunch of ridiculously stressful events happen in my life the last 4 years and especially the last 9 months. Basically last summer I discovered my wife had been having serial affairs for several years and filed for divorce, and she's been an insane person essentially trying to destroy me however she can since then. Then my business, which has been doing poorly for years, was severely damaged by fraud for the second time in the last 4 years. So I've had a lot of stressors and the binge drinking has clearly been partly a coping mechanism.
Another aspect though has been that I've actually been living a very healthy lifestyle otherwise and have lost a lot of weight -- I'm about 20 lbs less than I was before my marriage 10 years ago, which was the last time I really went out and drank regularly. So my tolerance is much less than it was then and when I drink at the same rate I used to I get destroyed b/c I have half the body fat I used to. Also I'm almost a vegan in my eating habits so my stomach isn't full of the dense high-energy foods that soak up alcohol so a little booze hits me much harder.
On top of that is that I'm trying to figure out how to date and meet women again, and of course alcohol can be a huge crutch for that. I've met a number of women drinking in bars over the last 9 months and of course I just remember the positive experiences which encourage me to continue. I work alone in my home office for the business I run, so in a way hitting bars and drinking can be a way to hit a social "on" switch.
Digging deeper, when I was younger at times I drank very heavily although doctor checkups have always said liver function is OK now. In college and for a few years after (20 yrs ago now) I was physically dependent on alcohol but so was everyone I knew -- not that that's an excuse but I feel a big part of the reason I was like that was the social environment.
But when I've had a lot to drink I'm a nasty drunk and can be verbally abusive I know, and there were a number of times when I said terrible things to my wife that damaged our relationship when I was drinking heavily. The same thing happened in a prior relationship I had, and these relationships were mutually emotionally abusive and partly fueled by alcohol. That's one of the problems I've had -- I've met women while drinking, and drinking has been a part of the relationship along with some crazy behavior by both of us. So I'm thinking now how nice it would be to meet a girl and have a relationship that doesn't involve drunkeness.
Clearly I've been using alcohol as a social crutch, and wouldn't it be nice to overcome social anxiety issues simply by becoming more socially confident and secure instead?
Another problem is that drinking is such an incremental part of business dinners and general socializing and it's important to be able to engage with people in these ways. Over the last 9 months many times I've been able to have a drink or two and that's it and that's fine. But then someone will speed things up and suddenly I'm in "screw it, let's go all out" mode and then I get home at 4 in the morning and maybe do something stupid like call an old friend even though it's a Wed night and the guy is a partner in a law firm who doesn't think it's as funny as it was when we were 25.
So I'm wondering if I'm capable of sticking to something like a 2 drink rule. I read about the military's 0-0-1-3 rule, which is 0 underage drinking, 0 drinking and driving, 1 drink per hour limit and 3 drink per day limit. I'm really into achieving things through systematic application of rules that work, and maybe the same thing would work here. Dunno, but I really don't want to continue with the occasional binge drinking / terrible recovery days and physical/social/psychological damage that goes along with it.
Thanks for listening and any comments/thoughts.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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It sounds like what you are asking is if you are an alcoholic or if you can control yourself to the point of being a social drinker? I asked myself the same question a lot of times, and I know what the answer is for me, but I wouldn't be able to say what it is for you. I would suggest that you go ahead and try the 0-0-1-3 rule and see what happens. If you can stick to those numbers from now on, then you'll be fine. But if the rules start getting bent here and there, you should take a hard look at what that might mean. As you've admitted, getting drunk turns you into a not very nice person. You should avoid having that happen at all costs.
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Thanks, Dotherightthing! I guess I'm trying to work through a number of issues and trying to figure out the right way forward for myself, and also feel the need to express the complicated issues and problems alcohol presents for me. I'm not really wondering if I'm an "alcoholic" because I'm not sure that has a real meaning -- there are different types of alcohol problems people can have. My problem is that it's been a destructive force in my relationships in the past and I want to avoid that in the future. Recently I've gotten into this habit of blowing myself out once a week or so and need to stop that. I've had nothing to drink since the last blow out on April 26 and wonder if I can creep back into a normal/healthy level of social drinking without getting to the point where I forget about the downside and binge again. I know there's a deep pool of wisdow/insight here and was hoping to hear others' thoughts.
Gone In
Join Date: Jul 2011
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It sounds like alcohol is causing problems in your life and your relationships. For me, it just kept getting worse, never better. It was a relief to just quit and stop worrying about counting drinks, timing drinks, thinking about my next drink, etc.
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Also, Dotherightthing, thank you very much for your suggestions regarding the 0-0-1-3 rule idea -- I appreciate that and it means a lot. You said you know what the answer would be for you, do you mind if I ask what that would be and why? I'm really interested in hearing others' thought processes.
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Appreciate that, Basejumper -- quitting is certainly one direction I'm considering. Do you find that it's an issue socially -- you can't really "meet someone for a drink" if you don't drink, and that's such a common way to get together with someone. And if you're at a nice dinner out and the wine is flowing it's a bonding experience to drink together. In the end maybe it's finding the right way to succeed in these environments while not drinking but I'm just wondering.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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With the way you describe your drinking I doubt you will be able to stick with either the 2 drink rule or the 0-0-1-3 plan. Knowing what I do about alcohol problems, you will try it regardless of what anyone says. That’s ok. If this is your plan, fine. This is your goal, great! Just 1 thing…. Don’t change your goal.
What if you have 3 drinks? What if you drive after 1 drink? Will you consider it a failure? Will you move on to total abstinence forever because it means you cannot control your drinking…. Or will you move the goal posts? Will you decide that perhaps it should be 0-0-1-4 or 1-1-1-3 or some other number combination is more realistic? Define failure, then if you do fail admit you’re an alcoholic and do what we do. Sorry to be blunt, but I’ve seen this before. In ANY event, please let us know how the experiment goes, and do it for at least a year.
What if you have 3 drinks? What if you drive after 1 drink? Will you consider it a failure? Will you move on to total abstinence forever because it means you cannot control your drinking…. Or will you move the goal posts? Will you decide that perhaps it should be 0-0-1-4 or 1-1-1-3 or some other number combination is more realistic? Define failure, then if you do fail admit you’re an alcoholic and do what we do. Sorry to be blunt, but I’ve seen this before. In ANY event, please let us know how the experiment goes, and do it for at least a year.
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Originally Posted by RoryGallagher 
Appreciate that, Basejumper -- quitting is certainly one direction I'm considering. Do you find that it's an issue socially -- you can't really "meet someone for a drink" if you don't drink, and that's such a common way to get together with someone. And if you're at a nice dinner out and the wine is flowing it's a bonding experience to drink together. In the end maybe it's finding the right way to succeed in these environments while not drinking but I'm just wondering.
What I found though was that I was projecting my own focus on alcohol onto others. People couldn't care less what I was or wasn't drinking, and I didn't need alcohol to bond with them.
I get what you're saying, but sometimes euphoric recall about past drinking can blind us to the harm it's causing.
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Appreciate it, Awuh and Basejumper. You might be right that abstaining completely is the direction to go. One comparison I have is with eating -- over the course of transitioning to the plant-based diet I now eat, I realized that eating junk food causes your mind to lose control and impulsively eat more and more. The answer for me was never eating the junk food at all -- simply put, when eating fruits, vegetables and whole grains exclusively your stomach and mind are easily satisfied and there's no uncontrolable impulsive eating. Thus the answer may be the same thing with alcohol -- realize that you can't control your brain once you've started so don't start in the first place.
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Hi and welcome Rory 
I too had a million reasons for drinking...but the one cogent argument I had for giving it up was that it was destroying me - at first spiritually (in the full sense of that word) and then, later, physically...
so I gave it up - and all my other reasons for keeping alcohol in my life sorted themselves out one way or the other
I really think you're on to something here tho
D
I too had a million reasons for drinking...but the one cogent argument I had for giving it up was that it was destroying me - at first spiritually (in the full sense of that word) and then, later, physically...
so I gave it up - and all my other reasons for keeping alcohol in my life sorted themselves out one way or the other
I really think you're on to something here tho
Thus the answer may be the same thing with alcohol -- realize that you can't control your brain once you've started so don't start in the first place.
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Originally Posted by RoryGallagher
My main issue now is that every once in a while I go out and drink way too much, then spend the whole next day bombed out. Generally I wake up still drunk and some times have been throwing up throughout the afternoon although usually I've just been stuck in bed all day in agony. This has been happening maybe 3-5 times a month for the last 9 months.
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The whole cycle just gets worse, hangovers, vomiting , dark thoughts stay off alcohol for a few days feel great rinse and repeat, then eventually it all kind of blends in to one and you get your soul owned by alcohell. Life without it is empowering and liberating, yes early soberiety is challenging and you will feel lost with your new feelings and emotions but it really does get better , you gain everything and lose nothing. Stop right this second, do not waste any more time. Good luck.
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Originally Posted by RoryGallagher
Appreciate that, Basejumper -- quitting is certainly one direction I'm considering. Do you find that it's an issue socially -- you can't really "meet someone for a drink" if you don't drink, and that's such a common way to get together with someone. And if you're at a nice dinner out and the wine is flowing it's a bonding experience to drink together. In the end maybe it's finding the right way to succeed in these environments while not drinking but I'm just wondering.
I also don't feel that drinking was a bonding experience for me. I feel much more present at social occasions when I'm sober, and I can actually remember them the next day. Being drunk together creates illusory bonding, in my opinion, not real bonding. You cannot have a conversation of any meaning with a drunk person.
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Appreciate the comments, everyone. It's really helpful to hear the common message that stopping is the best route and that moderate drinking won't work -- I have to agree that inside I know that moderate drinking would lead to continuation of the whole cycle.
One problem I've had with being in a bar in the evening but not drinking is that I get tired easily. Standing around for hours chatting with people at night and I get sleepy, but maybe that's just normal.
One problem I've had with being in a bar in the evening but not drinking is that I get tired easily. Standing around for hours chatting with people at night and I get sleepy, but maybe that's just normal.
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Originally Posted by RoryGallagher
One problem I've had with being in a bar in the evening but not drinking is that I get tired easily. Standing around for hours chatting with people at night and I get sleepy, but maybe that's just normal.
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"You said you know what the answer would be for you, do you mind if I ask what that would be and why?"
Sure. For me, the only answer was quitting completely. This decision came after years of trying to "cut back" that always ended up with me in the same situation: way more drunk than what I said I would be at the beginning of the night. This was the case for my "only drink at home" rule, my "only drink beer" rule, my "only drink with others" rule, my "only buy two beers at a time" rule. That one was rich: I went from only 2 12oz to only 2 16oz to only 2 32oz in about two weeks time.
Sure. For me, the only answer was quitting completely. This decision came after years of trying to "cut back" that always ended up with me in the same situation: way more drunk than what I said I would be at the beginning of the night. This was the case for my "only drink at home" rule, my "only drink beer" rule, my "only drink with others" rule, my "only buy two beers at a time" rule. That one was rich: I went from only 2 12oz to only 2 16oz to only 2 32oz in about two weeks time.
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Originally Posted by dotherightthing
"You said you know what the answer would be for you, do you mind if I ask what that would be and why?"
Sure. For me, the only answer was quitting completely. This decision came after years of trying to "cut back" that always ended up with me in the same situation: way more drunk than what I said I would be at the beginning of the night. This was the case for my "only drink at home" rule, my "only drink beer" rule, my "only drink with others" rule, my "only buy two beers at a time" rule. That one was rich: I went from only 2 12oz to only 2 16oz to only 2 32oz in about two weeks time.
Sure. For me, the only answer was quitting completely. This decision came after years of trying to "cut back" that always ended up with me in the same situation: way more drunk than what I said I would be at the beginning of the night. This was the case for my "only drink at home" rule, my "only drink beer" rule, my "only drink with others" rule, my "only buy two beers at a time" rule. That one was rich: I went from only 2 12oz to only 2 16oz to only 2 32oz in about two weeks time.
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Welcome Rory!
I think it's great that you're so aware of some of the issues/problems with your drinking. I wish I'd been able to see the red flags earlier than I did.
Absolutely! When we're drinking to be something other than our true selves, it's going to backfire at some point. Everyone's feels vulnerable and insecure....... The problem comes in once we judge ourselves for feeling that way and try to run from it. When we start honoring/listening to what our feelings are telling us, we start to accept and love ourselves. So rather than "overcoming" social anxiety, think about working with it and using it. Allowing yourself to be human is what connects you with other people.......
All the healthy stuff you're doing is wonderful...... Maybe there's a way you can meet people who are like-minded..... vegan cooking classes, or yoga or whatever?
I think it's great that you're so aware of some of the issues/problems with your drinking. I wish I'd been able to see the red flags earlier than I did.
Clearly I've been using alcohol as a social crutch, and wouldn't it be nice to overcome social anxiety issues simply by becoming more socially confident and secure instead?
All the healthy stuff you're doing is wonderful...... Maybe there's a way you can meet people who are like-minded..... vegan cooking classes, or yoga or whatever?
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Artsoul, great comments, thank you. Totally agree that everyone has social anxiety and that by interacting socially while sober you can actually connect with others rather than suppressing the anxiety with alcohol. It probably involves a tad more effort but of course it's worth it.
And I was thinking the same thing about meeting people through activities. I've been playing in a sunday night lacrosse league and really enjoying that. Thinking about doing some community service events, and those kind of things are fantastic, meeting people by doing mellow, low-key activities together.
Sapling, I hear you on not hanging around in bars. But here's an example -- Thursday I was at an all day event with several family members and a bunch of other people that had some things in common with us and it was a great chance to network and get to know some of the others and also spend time with my family. There was a "cocktail hour" afterward with open bar at the social club the event was at, and then we went to an Irish Pub for dinner afterward. It was important to me to interact with those people and spend time with my family and most people were drinking, not heavily, just being social. I just had club sodas and that was fine -- most people thought I was just being really healthy in line with my eating (I'd been eating fruits and veggies at lunch and talking about that a bit with my uncle) and maybe that's a good excuse for not drinking or at least more socially palatable than coming right out and saying I'm not drinking b/c I have a problem. But as I mentioned I got pretty tired standing around and making small talk for a while, maybe that's a valuable skill to learn while sober though in place of just throwing back drinks in order to hit the social "on" button.
And I was thinking the same thing about meeting people through activities. I've been playing in a sunday night lacrosse league and really enjoying that. Thinking about doing some community service events, and those kind of things are fantastic, meeting people by doing mellow, low-key activities together.
Sapling, I hear you on not hanging around in bars. But here's an example -- Thursday I was at an all day event with several family members and a bunch of other people that had some things in common with us and it was a great chance to network and get to know some of the others and also spend time with my family. There was a "cocktail hour" afterward with open bar at the social club the event was at, and then we went to an Irish Pub for dinner afterward. It was important to me to interact with those people and spend time with my family and most people were drinking, not heavily, just being social. I just had club sodas and that was fine -- most people thought I was just being really healthy in line with my eating (I'd been eating fruits and veggies at lunch and talking about that a bit with my uncle) and maybe that's a good excuse for not drinking or at least more socially palatable than coming right out and saying I'm not drinking b/c I have a problem. But as I mentioned I got pretty tired standing around and making small talk for a while, maybe that's a valuable skill to learn while sober though in place of just throwing back drinks in order to hit the social "on" button.
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Yeah...I'm just saying be careful with it. I have a rule I go by....If it's something I absolutely have to be there for...I'll go. Probably leave early. I'm at 10 months sober and I still go by that rule. I just don't like to put myself in places I don't need to be. I'm an alcoholic and I know what alcoholics do. I have to be vigilant.
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