Jaynee

So on to my 9th beer tonight.... WTF. I just can't handle my ******** life, or non existence of one. I know......no excuses...., but my life is one big excuse...right???

Why did I do this.....??? The Million Dollar question....

I hate the AA Meetings... most of the people tell their stories like they miss the good Ol' days, and brag about what they did and how much they drank...well F*C& off...., seriously....., talk about what you do to keep sober, which some do after they talk about their escapades.....

My problem is I feel and take in what is going on in the room I'm in 150%..., most people only take in 25%. So this is what a shrink told me
I just can't take the BS of AA. So what is my option. I am trying this website, and it has been useful, because no one is trying to impress me... just telling me like it is..... True Anonymity is beautiful... but you don't get that unless people don't honestly see you.... truly....

I just want to be sober.... maybe that is too much to ask at this time in my life.... what was the 3 choices someone gave.... Jail..... Insanity.... or Death... well... I haven't ended in Jail (but for the grace of God), Insanity.... well I was born with that demon, and death.....it really doesn't sound that bad to me...

It's good to post drunk, so I can re-read this **** in the morning, if there is a morning....whatever... and try and analysis this ****......

Peace, Hugs.....

Dee74

OK so you don't like AA...

there's so many other means of support out there Jaynee - I agree with you....it's simply not an excuse.

Have a look at these links tomorrow

here's some links to some of the main players - including but not only AA:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

Counselling works for some...some get their Dr on board...church works for others..others have found success in inpatient or outpatient rehab.

The main thing tho - whatever you decide to do - is do something.
In my experience, inaction just leads to more drinking....

I really believe you can do this - but it's time to make some real changes, y'know?
D

EternalQ

It is better to post sober, daily, before you are tempted... Or at least when you are first tempted. Then you can focus on the helpful answers and learn about yourself. That is how true growth and change happens. Reading your drunk post brings shame, not change.

ACT10Npack

Dealing your problems with alcohol will not solve your problems. Once you stop the drinking and the hangover is gone, you will still have the same problems when and maybe more.

If you suffer with depression/anxiety then talk to your doctor and he/she may give you something to help with it. If you feel conformable in a group then why not try one and one counseling.

Good luck Jaynee!

Jaynee

I'm already taking psychotropics for anxiety and depression...yes I mix them all together.... Celexa... Clonaxepam...., etc....

I have had an anxiety/depression problem since childhood. So the drugs help that, this is true....., but I still have this penchant for drinking til stupid drunk. Wasn't always this way. Wasn't until I was forced out of an 18 year old marriage.... dumped for a younger woman.... then the Drink Demon took hold....****......

So now, I must get a hold of this Demon... or IT will kill me....no doubt... but there are days where I don't care if I live or die..... what the hell..... yet, I don't feel depressed....just apathetic.....????

instant

I have found I can cope so much better now I am sober. I hope you find a way that suits you.

Dee74

Drinking on your meds means they're either not working properly or not at all Jaynee.

I remember well the apathy that comes with continued sustained drinking tho.

You need to fight against that with every fibre of your being. Change is needed, not more of the same.

Whatever started you drinking, it's now - today - you have to be focused on - what are you going to do, today, to change things Jaynee?

You deserve better today

D

MightyMung

I REALLY wouldn't advise drinking on clonazepam. Admittedly, I was taking heroic doses (24mg+ some days under the tongue), but even in lower doses, you will lose ALL sense of good judgement even without drinking. It lowers your inhibitions, making you more likely to pick up a drink, and less likely to stick to your guns and stay sober, whichever way you look at it. It is an intoxicant which works in almost the same way as alcohol - stay away from benzodiazepines! They don't help with anything, they just make the problem, ESPECIALLY when combined with booze. Anyway preach over, i would just hate to see you making a big mistake by combining those two toxic drugs: booze and benzos. Aside from making you literally crazy, they are potentially lethal together.

I'd like to add a slightly less sympathetic ear than what most users of this forum tend to offer, purely because i'd like someone to do the same for me if I posted drunk on the website moaning about hopelessness - I hope you read your post and snap out of it! Look what drinking made you do and say! You posted those things just as an excuse to keep drinking, to convince yourself that things are hopeless. Well, they aren't, unless you decide they are!

I have had many relapses, some just days after deciding to 'never drink again', some so shameful i've ended up acting violently towards my family, but there's always hope! I really do hope that you'll read your post when you sober up and realise that it was the drink that made you think that way, and react accordingly. Things only seem hopeless when you're drunk - it's the part of you telling you things are hopeless to make you drink more. When you're sober you can change things, screw your ex - he's not the reason why you turned to drinking! The fact you've joined this website means you WANT to change - and it's not too much to ask for at all.

I'm saying these things because I wish someone would say them to me when i'm blinded by the booze. Unfortunately i've pushed everyone away who is willing to say it. We become different people when we drink, it's the nature of the beast - remember this when you've sobered up and try not to become the person who posted that mess again!

Thing's aren't hopeless, and you'll make it through if you truly want to. It's NEVER too late! And please interpret my words as me trying to reach out rather than attack you, remember we're all in the same boat here!

JohnnyDetox

Hey Jaynee...do yourself a favor and listen to what MightyMung has said...

EternalQ

Please pardon what I am about to say here, Jaynee, but your feeling sorry for yourself is very self defeating. Self pity is the recipe for failure.

Stop! Oh please, my former husband married a woman twenty years his junior, He wouldn.t have kids with me, although I raised his stepdaughter (i call her my daughter) but he had a child with the wife after me. LOL and i would never blame my drinking on that! Do not let others behavior dictate how you live your life.

Look around, read the recovery stories, our woes were NOTHING compared to issues people on this site have dealt with! Nothing. HELLO. The problem lies with choosing poison over living life authentically. BUT No matter what you think the cause, the answer lies in you.

Also, alcohol and benzodiazipines both suppress the central nervous system. Both decrease your respirations, and cause death together! I am in healthcare. I have seen of what I speak with my own eyes. Don't be a victim to that.

Also antidepressants work at greatly reduced capacity when you drink. Probably half as good as if you didnt drink. Give your health a fighting chance. Start today.

nikkimarie

Jayne...you said you would reread your post when you were sober....just wondering if you did? I reread some stuff I wrote while drunk too and would just cringe....just wondering how you are feeling? It must have been a lonely night ....and I only say that because I have done the exact thing.....

Anna

Jaynee, I hope you come back here this morning and that you feel better.

Many of us here recovered without using AA so there is lots of hope for you.

dawnrunner

If you read the writings of addicts, you will find this claim made often in one form or another: I think faster than normal people, I am more sensitive than others, I perceive more nuances, etc.

I used to think that my mental processes were so acute that I needed alcohol to slow down to normal. Hahahahahaha! Yes of course, because being passed out on the couch next to a plate of uneaten food is so normal.

I hope you will find a way out of the forest of excuses, where I too wandered for far too long, and meet Mr. Daylight some time soon. Don't let your ex drag you down; that's the past and unreal. We have only the present and our hope for the future.

Jaynee

New day, and will try to snap out of the self pity and go back to one day at a time without the poison. Yup....embarrassed by my post, feeling pathetic about it actually. But that is what booze does to people, turns them into idiots. I don't want to be an idiot. Yes I need to give my body a fighting chance to heal itself and especially my mind. Thanks for the posts and yes I will post when the urge comes on and see if I can stop myself from picking up the poison in the first place....

DisplacedGRITS

Glad you recognize that the self pity is a destructive mindset and are working to get over it. Work it minute by minute if you have to. Sometimes baby steps are the best steps to take.

gordano

Hi Jaynee, If thats how you feel about AA then I think you are ready to read this book:

Rational Recovery: The New Cure for Substance Addiction by Jack Trimpey

I just finished reading it last week but I can already tell it has changed my life for good. Its pretty much the opposite approach to AA. If you feel that your alcoholism is your responsibility and that you believe you do have some power over whether or not you pick up that first drink, do your self a favor and buy this book.

gordano

LOL, nothing to be embarrassed about here. I can say with 100 percent certainty that this pales in comparison to what I have done when drunk. In fact, if I woke up hungover and found out that all I did was post on an internet message board (trying to get help no less) that I would consider it a pretty well behaved night!

Try to find something positive in every situation that looks bleak. Focus on that instead of the shame.