forabetterlife

I made it exactly 21 days without drinking. I felt better than I did in years. Then, I got out of my routine- I had a houseguest (who drinks) and despite telling him that I stopped and how great I feel, I had one beer on what would have been my 22nd day,. two beers on the next day. Then he left and I just tried to push the "slip" aside, but I remember someone here saying the worst thing that can happen when you slip, is that nothing happens, because it makes you think you have this problem "solved", that you can control your drinking. Then, as if with blinders on, I was right back to my bottle of wine a night for the past 11 days.
Today I woke up after a poor night's sleep, looking bloated, feeling hungover, and realized that I can not let this go on for one more day. I miss the life that I had for those 21 days, even the hard days. I was proud, I was organized, I looked better, I was happier, I was better at my job, a better mom....a better everything.
So, today I"m back on my day one. Realizing even more than ever before that alcohol simply doesn't have have a place in my life anymore. It contradicts everything that I am, who I want to be. It robs me of myself. It's not a "reward", it's a punishment.
Today is hard. Feeling hungover, I know some wine will just even me out. But getting past that, I know that if I can just get through today, it just gets better from here - for me anyway.
I am embarrassed that I slipped up like this, after everything was really clicking and going so well. I'm trying not to beat myself, and learn lessons from it, but I also don't want to be too easy on myself, because I don't want this to happen again.
What will I do differently this time? Stop telling myself that I can drink at some point in the future. Because I can't. This has to be a new way of life for me, not just something I"m trying to just prove to myself that I can do it. I don't want to be stuck in this cycle for the rest of my life- of quitting, feeling great, relapsing, feeling like crap. That's not a life for myself that I want anymore than a life of continual drinking.
So, I will be here on SR probably more than ever before, because I have tried AA and do not feel it is for me. But reading and posting here does wonders for me. I am posting now, to just say it out loud - because I don't discuss this with anyone in my life- and I need to make myself accountable.
I had such peace, particularly toward the end of those 21 days as it got easier, and I want that back. It's not a perfect life, drinking or not, but it's way way better when alcohol is not involved.

nel68

Good for you to get back on that horse! You can do it, keep your chin up girlie you have us here to support you

Change4good

Forabetterlife-- your post resonated with me more than you know. I relaped as well, four days worth of drinking. I came to the same conclusions, with the same regrets, now with the same resolve to do things differently.

Thanks for posting. I am on your side, and wishing you well going forward.

least

Never give up!

debsam

I could have written that post myself over a year ago.

Here's the beauty in what I'm reading from you - I think you get it!!! Your thought process is almost exactly what I went thru....and that was the last time I drank.

You can do this. Forgive yourself for this and stay focused on what is being revealed to you.

Big hugs

sissy07

I don't really think any relapse is good, but sometimes if you are sitting on the fence about drinking or not, maybe it is good to get one more final bad experience in. Now you know without a doubt that not drinking is the way for you.

I am proud of you and change4good for getting back on and recommitting yourselves to sobriety. It is admirable that you both came back here, and made it into a short relapse. Hopefully both of you have an even stonger desire for life without alcohol. It sure is a gamechanger for me! Take care.

Davestwincam

I have done the same thing the last couple of years. I am on day 16 now and the longest I have gone without alcohol in 30 years is a couple of months last year. But I won't quit trying and neither should you...for a better life!

forabetterlife

Thank you for the support I really need it. I am waking up after a good night's sleep without feeling guilty or upset with myself and it feels good to be back where I need to be.
ChangeforGood- I do remember that you and I were at the same place in our sobriety a couple of weeks back. And we can do it again, we were feeling so good and getting so much done. Lesson learned, lesson learned, that's what I keep telling myself.

Fandy

I really like what you said; "alcohol contradicts everything that I am"....
I need to remember that.

I've had many slips and trips, dips and tried to learn just what made me go back there....when i figured out why i felt the need to go there mentally, it got much easier.

you are light years ahead....i hope you feel better today

JohnnyDetox

After reading your post, I get the feeling you'll be fine...all the best...

cyclegirl28

Thanks for sharing your honesty. What you wrote really helps me, and I have hope for us both.