Do I tell my children
 

My kids are 10 and 13 and don't really know anything is wrong with me. I will be going to aa meetings nightly. Do I say anything to them or just "run errands" every night?

My kids are older than yours-16 and 18.
I didn't tell them immediately but have been honest with them since I made a real commitment to stay sober.
They have seen the ugly side of alcoholism from my brother and understood a bit anyway.
I told them that drinking was making me ill and although it didn't affect me in the same way as their uncle, that didn't mean it was any less of a problem.
I told them that I go to meetings to learn about alcoholism and to support me to stay well. They accepted it without question.
Think kids need educating about alcohol anyway and you're in the best place to do it.
Good luck x

My kids are 16 and 13. They saw me drunk enough times to know that I had a problem. My younger son has autism and is nonverbal (he functions at about the level of a 2 year old), so my telling him would have been lost on him for the most part. But I did sit down with my 16 year old and tell him that I was going to AA. He thought it was great. He knew I was an alcoholic before I ever admitted it to him and he thought I was probably hopeless. For him to see me going to meetings and staying sober is huge. Every day he asks me if I "went to AA" and I can happily tell him "yes." It makes his day.

Are you sure your kids don't know that there is something going on with you? They often notice more than we realize they do.

Maybe just tell them you are going to therapy for a problem you have...Kids are pretty smart these days...I think they'll get it....Then just let your actions...The way you are living sober...Speak for itself.

Good question..... I had the same issue, though my kids are a little older. I decided to listen to my intuition for when it was the right time to say something to them. Basically I told them that I was getting too attached to drinking and had decided to stop. I didn't go into a lot of nitty gritty detail, but I did talk a little about addiction and what alcohol really does to us and that I want them to come to me if they ever see it becoming a problem for them.

I don't know your children well enough, but it seems to me that at 10 and 13, they would understand. The 13 year-old could already be faced with alcohol and drugs at school - mine were.....

I was in 3rd grade, so that's what? 9 yrs old? It was obvious to me something was "wrong" with my dad. I had no idea it was alcoholism but it was obvious he promised stuff all the time and failed to deliver. He was mean. He was self-absorbed. He seemed to care about everyone then, in an instant, didn't care about anyone but himself. etc etc etc....... I was a little kid and it was obvious.

I don't know your history but if you're an alcoholic and your kids are 10 and 13, I'd bet BIG odds they ALREADY know something hasn't been right. They see other parents......they talk to their friends......they're not dummies. :) (my little brother and I had it figured out.....I'm sure your kids do too).

Hiding one's recovery seems *to me* like we're saying this: "Hey kids, I made some mistakes and got going in the wrong direction BUT now I'm in this awesome program, I'm working on becoming a better person and a better parent. You see kids, often times good ppl make mistakes but the deal is we try to recognize it and then we work to correct them....... BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW ANY OF THAT."

A HUGELY important piece of my recovery was finding out the things that bother me aren't limited to JUST me. It's very therapeutic to know that we're NOT alone - that my problems aren't unique to me - that you're just like me. All my life I thought I was just "unlucky" or got the short straw. To know about and watch ppl recover - to watch them work THROUGH difficulties is a faaaabulous gift. I wouldn't want to hide that from anyone important to me.

I'm sure they know more than you think. That's plenty old enough to be honest about making such a positive and healthy change in your life. They'll probably be relieved. There is literature about how to talk to kids about alcoholism.

I'm sure they know much more than you think too.

I wouldn't make a too big of a deal about it, but it could be good to let them know that you are working on getting better.

Neither hide it nor tell them more than they need to know. Answer their questions candidly with only the information they requested. Use your good judgement. You know them better than anybody. Don't stress too much about it, just get recovered.

:)

Yes, don't say much yet, you will feel horrible if you relapse....let them see changes in your behavior. They'll know.

Bet wishes!

Hugs,

I have a different point of view here. Depending on how much your drinking affected their lives there may be more to this than you think. You may want to consider AlaTeen for your older son or therapy for both of them. There could very well be a lot of issues he is dealing with. In particular he may be dealing with repressed anger at feeling he needed to cover for you or handle responsibilities that were yours.

Children of alcoholics often grow up to become alcoholics or marry them. I married one and skated close enough to the edge that I decided that I would never drink again.

You weren't the only one effected by this disease.

By necessity, since they are at the mercy of their parents, children are usually very perceptive in this regard. They undoubtedly noticed something was going on. I would tend to favor a 'need to know' rule for the time being, as they will pick up on any positive changes on their own. No need to worry them with your problems just yet unless they inquire, IMO. That said, I do think that some sort of conversation on the subject should occur at some point, but preferably once you have the situation under control.

They haven't a clue anything is wrong and I am not being naive. I drank only a few times a month and hasn't impacted their lives any. I have never broken a promise or embarassed them or anything like that. Besides being lazier when taking pills, my home life is as it's always been as far as kid-wise. I think they would be more scared and worried if I said anything.

[QUOTE=m1k3;3386053]I have a different point of view here. Depending on how much your drinking affected their lives there may be more to this than you think. You may want to consider AlaTeen for your older son or therapy for both of them. There could very well be a lot of issues he is dealing with. In particular he may be dealing with repressed anger at feeling he needed to cover for you or handle responsibilities that were yours.

Thank you, but this isn't the case here

You know that old saying about when a butterfly flutters a wing, the entire universe is changed forever?

Your family has been altered by whatever you have been doing. And your children know about it.

One of the bad things that happens to children who grow up in addicted families is that they learn to shove their feelings down deep and soldier on, and they pay later in serious ways.

You are very certain that they are unaffected. I am just about as certain that they are affected deeply and need you to be up front and possibly offer them an outside counselor. I'm basing this on my own experience.

There's no way that you can be attending nightly AA meetings and also maintaining that your children are unaffected by whatever made nightly meetings necessary.

Something that I have realized in both being a child, and having children of my own is:

Children use the behavior of their parents to justify the deficiencies in their own behavior. I have decided to never admit, or talk about this problem with my children until (maybe) they are at least 25 years old.

I am far enough removed now, from my alcoholism that it is not a part of my every day life, so it is easy for me. In my opinion, some things are best kept unknown to our children. I do not want to give my children any excuses that might justify destructive behavior.

This situation is, of course, not the best solution for everyone and every situation. But, I think that this is a good course of action for families that have been able to keep the problem somewhat under control to the point where it was not blatantly obvious.

This is a hard thread for me to post in.

If you have drinking problems your kids know. They may not know what exactly is wrong but they know something is wrong.

By not telling them there is a good chance they will assume that they are the cause of the problem. This is very common. I remember the most common wish I had growing up in an alcoholic home, and I didn't even know that's what the issue was until I was an adult.

My wish most nights was " I wish I was dead."

This is not something you can just sweep under the carpet because it makes you uncomfortable.

I will not post in this thread anymore.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

m1k3,

I won't press you, of course, but you have already provided a valuable perspective.

I do not disagree that children can sense that something is wrong.

I also grew up in a heavily alcoholic family. I also remember thinking "I wish I was dead", but I also remember thinking "My parents do it, why can't I"

Children can always sense that "something is wrong" and this applies to all problems, not just alcoholism. One of the roles we have as parents is to keep our children safe from these situations in order to give them the opportunity to enjoy their childhood.

Sometimes, I feel like the alcoholism thing empowers us to give too much information.

Sorry to double dip...

There will come a time that you will feel comfortable opening up and you will instinctually know how to handle it. That happens when you get recovered, not before.