Winery trip this summer
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
It sounds like he is threatened by this big time. If you both loved wineries so much you actually got married at one, he's possibly viewing it a personal rejection. Like you are turning your back on part of something that you shared and this might just be the start?
Only guessing of course.
Sounds like he has no real understanding of alcoholism, heck I'm only just learning and I've been one for 25 years!!
Have a heart to heart with him. Tell him your relationship is so precious you don't want it threatened by the way alcohol affects you. Plan something different for just the two of you.
But above all else, stay strong in your sobriety! Xxxx
Only guessing of course.
Sounds like he has no real understanding of alcoholism, heck I'm only just learning and I've been one for 25 years!!
Have a heart to heart with him. Tell him your relationship is so precious you don't want it threatened by the way alcohol affects you. Plan something different for just the two of you.
But above all else, stay strong in your sobriety! Xxxx
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
I wonder if he is afraid of what will happen if you stop drinking? Things change for our spouses when we stop drinking, that can be hard and anxiety provoking for them.
A flat out no is probably the way I would go, make an excuse for the friends. Plan B would be to come down with a mystery illness getting a Dr's support if need be. A variation would be the sick (understanding) relative interstate who needed support that weekend.
A flat out no is probably the way I would go, make an excuse for the friends. Plan B would be to come down with a mystery illness getting a Dr's support if need be. A variation would be the sick (understanding) relative interstate who needed support that weekend.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
You've just recently come back to SR SBTS.
personally I think a wineries tour is about the worst place for you to be.
I remember going along with things I knew I shouldn't because not to fight ewas easier, So I'd go to things and get drunk & high...or stay sober and be utterly miserable and resentful...and then go home and drink...
sometimes all that would spark benders off for months after too.
I wish I'd valued myself and what was good for me a lot more than I did SBTS.
D
personally I think a wineries tour is about the worst place for you to be.
I remember going along with things I knew I shouldn't because not to fight ewas easier, So I'd go to things and get drunk & high...or stay sober and be utterly miserable and resentful...and then go home and drink...
sometimes all that would spark benders off for months after too.
I wish I'd valued myself and what was good for me a lot more than I did SBTS.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,525
Thanks you guys....
I'm so confused. I feel like you guys are right. But then on the other hand, I have my husband, telling me that I don't have a problem, and telling me I'm being "selfish" when I put my foot down about things relating to my sobriety. I am dreading talking to him about this, I am afraid it will turn into an argument.
The trip wouldn't happen until the end of July, if it does happen, but even then, I will only have 90 days or so. From having been sober 8 months before, I know enough to know that 90 days is still really early on.
I probably should just tell him to go without me, but I know he won't leave it at that, his response will be to ask me why I can't just go and not drink.
Ugh.
I'm so confused. I feel like you guys are right. But then on the other hand, I have my husband, telling me that I don't have a problem, and telling me I'm being "selfish" when I put my foot down about things relating to my sobriety. I am dreading talking to him about this, I am afraid it will turn into an argument.
The trip wouldn't happen until the end of July, if it does happen, but even then, I will only have 90 days or so. From having been sober 8 months before, I know enough to know that 90 days is still really early on.
I probably should just tell him to go without me, but I know he won't leave it at that, his response will be to ask me why I can't just go and not drink.
Ugh.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 78
I really feel for you. I'm married to a winemaker, we have a wine business. I have 31 doz boxes sitting next to this desk now, it's impossible to separate alcohol from my family life, just impossible. I'm definitely not willing to jeopardise my relationship with my husband with my sobriety so I have to work out ways to have both (like you!). Be Strong!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 260
Originally Posted by soberbythesea 
Thanks you guys....
I'm so confused. I feel like you guys are right. But then on the other hand, I have my husband, telling me that I don't have a problem, and telling me I'm being "selfish" when I put my foot down about things relating to my sobriety. I am dreading talking to him about this, I am afraid it will turn into an argument.
The trip wouldn't happen until the end of July, if it does happen, but even then, I will only have 90 days or so. From having been sober 8 months before, I know enough to know that 90 days is still really early on.
I probably should just tell him to go without me, but I know he won't leave it at that, his response will be to ask me why I can't just go and not drink.
Ugh.
I'm so confused. I feel like you guys are right. But then on the other hand, I have my husband, telling me that I don't have a problem, and telling me I'm being "selfish" when I put my foot down about things relating to my sobriety. I am dreading talking to him about this, I am afraid it will turn into an argument.
The trip wouldn't happen until the end of July, if it does happen, but even then, I will only have 90 days or so. From having been sober 8 months before, I know enough to know that 90 days is still really early on.
I probably should just tell him to go without me, but I know he won't leave it at that, his response will be to ask me why I can't just go and not drink.
Ugh.
Nevertheless, I can see it from his point of view. Of course it's a bit of a bummer for him if he was really looking forward to the trip, and if he can't understand your stance on the drinking thing, then it must be very frustrating too. But come on, he'll live; it's hardly the end of the world, and I'm sure there'll come a time when you have to make an allowance for him. I bet you have to make tons of allowances for him, right?
One further thought. If he can't do this for you out of the goodness of his heart, could you perhaps sweeten the pill by suggesting another husbandcentric holiday that doesn't involve alcohol, to prove to him that you're not being 'selfish'*?
* you're not, by the way.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Hi sea, I feel for you, I just split by an ex who wasn't very understanding about my need to stay away from extra-boozy events (most times I was just fine, I can handle being in bars or at parties where there is heavy drinking, for a little while 
I never could / would want to do a winery tour!!! You'll have to sit there and listen to them talk about wine and all the tastes....sounds like a drag for someone not partaking.
Can you just tell your friends you are not drinking and come up with weekend plan B? Or if this doesn't work, just let them know you have had some other things come up for the summer and it looks unlikely that you could go. This is NOT that big of a deal and he really shouldn't guilt you about it. Through my years of heavy drinking I never once made it to a winery, and I sure had no shortage of "fun" Don't let him have you thinking you are such a drag for not wanting to go to a WINERY when you are not drinking!!! There are SO MANY other fun things you can do on a weekend with friends that there is absolutely no reason to lose any sleep over this one.
I never could / would want to do a winery tour!!! You'll have to sit there and listen to them talk about wine and all the tastes....sounds like a drag for someone not partaking.
Can you just tell your friends you are not drinking and come up with weekend plan B? Or if this doesn't work, just let them know you have had some other things come up for the summer and it looks unlikely that you could go. This is NOT that big of a deal and he really shouldn't guilt you about it. Through my years of heavy drinking I never once made it to a winery, and I sure had no shortage of "fun"
Don't let him have you thinking you are such a drag for not wanting to go to a WINERY when you are not drinking!!! There are SO MANY other fun things you can do on a weekend with friends that there is absolutely no reason to lose any sleep over this one.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Originally Posted by MarkstheSpot
Well, hm, I'll take your word for it, but even though Mrs Marksthespot thinks my fear and dislike of dogs is stupid, irrational and contrived she'd never insist we go on a dog-stroking tour. She just accepts the fact that I don't like them and we do something non-canine related instead.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Originally Posted by MarkstheSpot
Well, hm, I'll take your word for it, but even though Mrs Marksthespot thinks my fear and dislike of dogs is stupid, irrational and contrived she'd never insist we go on a dog-stroking tour. She just accepts the fact that I don't like them and we do something non-canine related instead.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 48
I can't seem to hit the 'like' button for some reason. it's not there. Anyway, I can understand how you feel. When I finally decided to stop drinking (18 days ago), my hubby said the house would go dry. Well, it hasn't. In fact, he's gone out and bought his scotch and his beer... and the occasional bottle of wine. My hubby thinks the same as yours. He believes that I can 'lick' this problem and eventually be able to moderate. He believes it mind over matter. I believe that he just doesn't 'get it' because he's not the one with the problem. If it were mind over matter, I wouldn't have had all those blackouts from not being able to stop, once I got started.
As for going to a winery... I feel for you. I have a romanticized view on that whole scene... how nice to be a lady and go with hubby and friends to the countryside and enjoy a spot of wine etc etc... the thing is: play the movie to the end.... remember what that looks like?
I wouldn't trust myself in a winery, even with my resolve to not drink. I LOVE wine.... I love the whole ceremony of uncorking a bottle and sniffing the cork. Pouring that first bit into the glass and swirling it around... smelling the bouquet....
GAWD! I'd be too weak in a winery... and I'm not in a place yet where I can go and be happy for those who are able to taste the wine and stop there.
My advice is this: If you're serious about getting/staying sober - DO NOT GO!!! It'll be way too tempting. Your AV will tell you it's ok... You have to keep your thinking engaged in order to beat this thing.
Best of luck to ya darlin. I hope whatever decision you make is the right one for you.
As for going to a winery... I feel for you. I have a romanticized view on that whole scene... how nice to be a lady and go with hubby and friends to the countryside and enjoy a spot of wine etc etc... the thing is: play the movie to the end.... remember what that looks like?
I wouldn't trust myself in a winery, even with my resolve to not drink. I LOVE wine.... I love the whole ceremony of uncorking a bottle and sniffing the cork. Pouring that first bit into the glass and swirling it around... smelling the bouquet....
GAWD! I'd be too weak in a winery... and I'm not in a place yet where I can go and be happy for those who are able to taste the wine and stop there.
My advice is this: If you're serious about getting/staying sober - DO NOT GO!!! It'll be way too tempting. Your AV will tell you it's ok... You have to keep your thinking engaged in order to beat this thing.
Best of luck to ya darlin. I hope whatever decision you make is the right one for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,525
donenow... I can't imagine being in your situation. We're big wine collectors and have a 170+ bottle cellar, but that's nothing compared to being married to a winemaker. As far as being willing to jeopardize my marriage in favor of my sobriety -- honestly -- if it came down to it, sobriety would have to win. But I hope it never does come to that.
Marks, at the moment he's not "insisting" that I do anything. We actually haven't even talked about the trip yet. I'm just speculating as to how he will react, based on how he's reacted to other things surrounding my not drinking.
Kitty, I'm mostly fine at bars and parties too, and I think he doesn't get the difference. I've tried explaining this to him in the past -- there is NOTHING to do at a winery except drink alcohol. I can't order a soda, or a tonic and lime and sit back the way I would in a bar or at a party. I'll feel so conspicuous for being empty-handed. And like you say, I'll have to listen to them talk about how everything tastes, which would be a huge trigger for me.
Danica, same thing with my husband. They just don't get that we can't moderate. And you're right, playing the movie to the end has resulted in some very messy scenes before after a day of wine tasting.
I think you guys are right, I just need to tell him that I can't go. I'll tell him he can go without me if he wants to. I'm just going to have to try to avoid getting into an argument about it.
I'm going to wait for him to bring it up. I already told him over email that we need to discuss it and that I wasn't sure I was going to be comfortable with going.
Marks, at the moment he's not "insisting" that I do anything. We actually haven't even talked about the trip yet. I'm just speculating as to how he will react, based on how he's reacted to other things surrounding my not drinking.
Kitty, I'm mostly fine at bars and parties too, and I think he doesn't get the difference. I've tried explaining this to him in the past -- there is NOTHING to do at a winery except drink alcohol. I can't order a soda, or a tonic and lime and sit back the way I would in a bar or at a party. I'll feel so conspicuous for being empty-handed. And like you say, I'll have to listen to them talk about how everything tastes, which would be a huge trigger for me.
Danica, same thing with my husband. They just don't get that we can't moderate. And you're right, playing the movie to the end has resulted in some very messy scenes before after a day of wine tasting.
I think you guys are right, I just need to tell him that I can't go. I'll tell him he can go without me if he wants to. I'm just going to have to try to avoid getting into an argument about it.
I'm going to wait for him to bring it up. I already told him over email that we need to discuss it and that I wasn't sure I was going to be comfortable with going.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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Originally Posted by Mark75
You tell him you don't drink wine anymore, not only will winery tours be un-fun for you now, they could be a big set back and at a minimum you will be miserable. And you are not ef-in going.
Sometimes maintaining our sobriety and sanity means doing hard things, being assertive, maybe being unpopular... better than dead, in jail or an institution.
Sometimes maintaining our sobriety and sanity means doing hard things, being assertive, maybe being unpopular... better than dead, in jail or an institution.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,525
Ok well... I have some good news. Everything is fine! But I feel really bad now for just assuming this was going to be a huge problem!
Tonight my husband finally brought up the email exchange we had about the trip. He was just talking about possible dates, to start with. Then, this is how the conversation went:
Me: "I don't think I'm going to go."
Him: "Really?"
Me: "Yeah. You can go, though. I just think it would be a tough situation for me."
Him: "Oh. Okay."
And that was it. No argument. Nothing.
I'm really surprised. I guess I didn't give him enough credit. Maybe he does understand more than I thought, or maybe he realized he wasn't being very supportive initially when I quit drinking and has decided to try to be more so. Either way, I'm really glad it all worked out.
Tonight my husband finally brought up the email exchange we had about the trip. He was just talking about possible dates, to start with. Then, this is how the conversation went:
Me: "I don't think I'm going to go."
Him: "Really?"
Me: "Yeah. You can go, though. I just think it would be a tough situation for me."
Him: "Oh. Okay."
And that was it. No argument. Nothing.
I'm really surprised. I guess I didn't give him enough credit. Maybe he does understand more than I thought, or maybe he realized he wasn't being very supportive initially when I quit drinking and has decided to try to be more so. Either way, I'm really glad it all worked out.
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