Weasel1966

That's what my step father told me everyday for years. I told myself I did not believe him. That I was a good person. I drank last night. Head throbbing. Feeling like a piece of sh*!.

What do ya do when ya not sure what to do. I mean being sober is what in need to do but how do you erase the pain of worthlessness?

DisplacedGRITS

I remember that self pity is a self destructive, useless state of mind and i try to learn something from the mistake i made and set a plan into place to prevent a reoccurance from happening.

Anna

That's a feeling I had too from hearing the same kind of words growing up.

I took a step back and recognized that my mother (your stepfather) was the one with the problem. Not me, not you. You are not worthless, you have value and you are here on earth at this time for a purpose. If you sit quietly and listen to your soul, you will find out what that purpose is.

Check your PMs because I am sending you a link which will lead you through the process of healing your inner child.

DisplacedGRITS

Do not try to erase all of the pain. Pain exists in our lives for a reason. Through pain we grow. Grow from this experience instead of letting it whip you and beat you down. A defeatist attitude is a loser's attitude. Be a winner. It's all up to you and your decisions. Make the small, right decisions that will lead you down the winning path.

john44

By realizing that you are not worthless. This is more a reflection of your stepfather than you.
make a list of all your good qualities and accomplishments no matter how small. Work to add to them. It wont be easy, but forgive him, even in your own mind. That said, however, if he doest change, cut all ties and surround yourself with people who support you.

God loves you and wants you to be happy.

deepnblue

Would it be possible to send me the link as well, this post rings true for me too.

Charon

By living like you are not worthless - AND YOU DO HAVE GREAT WORTH. You need to believe that. You would not have survived such a crushing burden loaded on you by a thing (not a man) that must have had tremendous self-doubt and self-loathing. He was the piece of shite. NOT YOU! Hold your head high and walk away.

Anna

I sent it to you also Deepnblue.

aasharon90

I always knew I was one of my HP's Childen
or a child of God. A precious little one who
looked in the mirror with tears streaming
down my face after another verbal, physical
abuse sustained by my own sick mother dealing
with her own demons with prescription meds
and alcohol mixed. A deadly destructive mixture
destoying things in her path.

That thing was me.

As i stared in the mirror thinking of how I could
end my pain, that face looking back at me was
to precious to take away and knew my Lord didnt
want me to go just yet. Then strength came over
me as this child grew up becoming still His child
in an adult body, doing His Will always and not my
own.

In recovery I learned that Im a woman worthy of
love with an honest, happy, joyful, sober life to enjoy
each day.

21 yrs sober strong child of God.

JohnnyDetox

I have a vivid memory of my mother, waking me from a sound sleep, calling me 'a little f'in monster'. An isolated incident but still fresh after all these years. I feel for you my friend.

Weasel1966

I seldom share that thought. I always thought of it like I was a shark... LOL silly... but they say if a shark stops swimming it will drown. If I stop to feel the pain I will die.

This site is helping me a lot. seeing others with similar wounds is hard to read but sadly comforting.

My step father used to get drunk on vodka... come in my room when my mother was not looking and hit... tell me that I was in the way of him and my mom. I knew better. but why should a boy have to? then the next day he would not remember.

I drink vodka now. I do not remember last night.

But i will always remember the kind words posted here.



Ken

Sapling

A girl said in my meeting this morning...We're all mirrors here...Reflecting off eachother....Sometimes it gets a little cloudy and harder to see that....But we're all still mirrors. Maybe she said that for you to hear it....Who knows?

vinyl

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest a high percentage of us here go through the same insecurities and feelings of low self-esteem. I'd also venture to say many of us go through it not only because of our addictions, but because we were treated like sh*t growing up. I just wanted you to know, you're NOT alone and many of us are right there with you and completely understand. Make sure you keep coming back here, keep sharing and keep listening. I've found this approach to be very educational but also healing.

Personally, the best treatment I have found for having a mentally abusive Mother growing up has been professional counseling. Recovery programs are one thing, but the roots of abuse (not necessarily addiction) should be revealed through professional, licensed therapy. There are people who specialize in this and have helped me unfold layer after layer of my pain to reveal the deeper reasons behind my anger.

I know why I do the self destructive things I do now and it's lead me to attack my addiction straight on. It made a huge difference understanding the "why" before attacking my addiction. I've found that many do not succeed in recovery programs because they never bother to seek out the additional factors to their addiction. Granted my addictions are most definitely hereditary based, but the abuse I took growing up was also a major factor in my addictions. But now that I have discovered why I was abused, my real worth and what I can do about it, I've stopped drinking and will never drink again.

For me, AVRT has been a huge help in this process for me, but I never would have gotten here without my therapist helping me unfold the layers of my anger, which lead all the way back to an abusive parent.

Stay strong.

Weasel1966

Vinyl, Thanks I am in counseling. Doing something called EMDR. Its for post traumatic stress and other types of trauma. Never thought of my childhood as trauma but now I realize that it took me till my early 30's to stop being in survival mode.

Cannot believe that all this is coming up so strong today. Certainly cannot believe that I am putting it out there for all the world to see. Guess ya cannot solve issues in the dark.

Ken

Dee74

Hi Ken
some great advice here

I felt worthless for a lot of years too - some of that was my parents, some of it was stuff I added myself.

I didn't know what to do either but the wise heads here told me to continue getting sober and stay that way - they assured me I'd be far better placed to deal with all this stuff once my mind was on a even keel...and they were right.

I'd drunk for so long I wasn't even aware of some of the negative beliefs I held about myself - keep moving forward Ken.

I wish you the happiness in your life and ease with yourself that I've found in recovery

D

Charon

When a child my mother would use any excuse to dress me as a girl. Halloween was the most common but there were other occasions. There are pictures in the family albums of me with lipstick and other makeup in dresses with long hair & curls next to my two female cousins. I'm pretty sure that she wanted a girl. I was forced into these costumes till I was near teens.

One very early childhood memory (guestimate 2-3 years old) I have is of my cousin, in the kitchen of the apartment where she and her husband lived, exposing her breasts and having me fondle them - while my mother was present. I can still see the apartment building and the kitchen. Can't bring up any idea of what the rest of the apartment was like.

One more memory of pre-pubescence. I was sent to the YMCA, enrolled in swimming lessons. The class was all male, all ages. We were not permitted to wear bathing suits - the rational of the "instructor" was that some kids could afford better suits than others and nudity made us equal. He also taught the lessons nude.

Is it any wonder that I learned to shut my feelings down to the point where I feel almost sociopathic? I have been anti-social all my life, like a feral animal, no trust, no connection.

Only twice in my life have I bonded with another human. In undergraduate school I had a best friend that I could share anything with and he could share anything with me. Nothing we did or said could affect that friendship. We took care of each other - we cared for each other. Life took us to seperate places. I miss him.

Later in life I met a girl/woman (she was both - no PC please) who connected with me and I her in a seriously deep way. Being socially inept and totally immature I lost her. I did have a few years to wallow in the joy of being near her, of being with her, and her being with me. I'd do anything to restore that relationship.

Now all that is gone and I merely endure and I wait to die or to make the choice to do so in a way that must be considered accident. Once hope is gone, dying is simply a formality. I do put one foot in front of the other these days. I take care of what needs to be done - both physically with the house and yard as well as relationship wise. I do my best to hide everything I feel (or more aptly - don't) from my children and my "wife" and my sibs. Nonetheless, "I'm empty and aching and I don't know why".

Dee74

I'm sorry to read you still feel that way Charon.

For me, a few years back I figured I had the choice - I could continue to let my past define me...let those wounds open again and again...or I could take the good man I knew I was, draw a line under the past, and start again.

It wasn't easy but it was worthwhile.

I can never forget the things that have happened to me - but I've found I can stop letting them hurt me over and over again.

I spent many years shutting myself off...being angry and defensive.
I decided that was no way for me to live drunk or sober.

I'd recommend counselling to anyone who feels like the past is holding them back or weighing them down.

It was helpful for me in taking up my second chance at living.

D

Charon

Dee,

Thanks - just the thoughts I needed. Seems I've found connection here with the SR family. I promise to keep trying to grow.

zanzibar

When I saw that statement in the thread index I got a shiver up my spine and ducked.(literally) I thought my mother was standing behind me. It never completly goes away and it shouldn't. I believe it should be a constant reminder not to fall into the trap of transferring these actions to the next generation. I left home 39 years ago and although I don't think about those times very oftem when I do I look around at what I've accomplished and quickly realize I'm not a piece of #@_^. At least my kids didn't grow up with water dripping on their beds when it rained. I never once called my kids names or hit them. And that is because I never forgot what it was like. The mental pain will go away on it's own. But you must never forget.

Ranger

Charon - you had a run-in with a chain saw and left with merely a nicked finger (yes, I read the other thread). In my book, that alone makes you special.