Change4good

Hello friends. I am back, after a pretty gruesome relapse. The long and short of it. . .I got cocky and thought I was stronger than I am. I had done extremely well on a qualifing exam at work that resulted in me being sent to an amazing program in Portland. I left last Wednesday. Had a drink that day, and continued until Sunday.

I was able to fully participate in the training, but also participated in the wine receptions with my cohort, that continued back in my hotel room after *normal* people surely called it a night.

I had tickets one night for an amazing rock musical, and had to leave at the intermission because the cast had multipled due to double vision, and it was entirely too uncomfortable.

I spent yesterday (Monday) back on the East Coast recovering with crippling anxiety and feelings of an inniment heart attack. It is 5:15 am now on Tuesday, and I am doing better.

The up side (and there always is one), is that I am more committed than ever. I lamented the loss of feeling so great for almost a month. I felt I had squandered the strides I had made. So the best I can do right now and start again.

So here I am. I have missed you people. :-) Will check in on folks after I get my kids up and dressed. As always, thanks for listening.

Dee74

sorry you had to go through that - but I'm glad you're back Change4

D

Change4good

Thanks Dee. I too, am sorry I went through it. Yesterday was beyond ugly getting back to normal. I kept telling myself while on the west coast, "Well, at least my children don't see my drinking. I am not hurting them"

But I hurt me in a huge way.

The current tapering discussion is interesting, but I won't enter that fray except to say that for some of us, it is not a viable strategy. In my case, I would be a fool to ever engage in moderate drinking again. My body and mind can't do it, and that feeling of powerlessness is absolutely soul sucking.

RachelNorth

Hi

Thats not good, my heart goes out to you. We all know how you feel. But the result is you feel more sure than ever. Good, hang on to that.

Yes, we'll all still here. I never wander far from my keyboard.

Good to have you back.

Nextchapter

Good morning Change! I'm on day 2 again after thinking I could taper it off. Instead I ended up in an endless downward relapse. I know the depression and anxiety of facing what I did also.

It's a new day and you can do it!

Bonnie1

Also same here Change.
Got a good few days behind me, but at the weekend I grabbed the bottle. Why I don't know!
It's when the urge to drink is at it's highest it gets overwhelming. Really unbearable.
I'm getting really fed-up with this stopping and starting again 'tho.

Gottalife

Baffling. It was the same for me. Turned out I had completely lost the power of choice with alcohol, and when I got started I developed the phenomenon of craving. I was drinking to overcome an overpowering craving and stayed drunk until too sick to continue. Then the remorse then, the swearing off, then, out of no where, drinking again. Over and over.

That is how I know I am a real alcoholic and can never drink safely again. But there is more to stopping for good than just knowing that.

instant

Glad you are back, sounds like it was a great opportunity, and I can understand the buzz of being away from home.

There is a danger in triumphantly overcoming our demons.

In the end I was led by trial and error to understand the strength that can be gained by admitting total and unconditional defeat.

DisplacedGRITS

A hard lesson learned but a lesson nonetheless. Welcome back.

karilynn27

i'm sorry for your relapse.
Looks like your gonna build on it though. I'm glad your back:ghug3
Love your signature btw, I wrote it down when I first saw it. I have kids too .
Don't beat the hell out of yourself for this just give them a gift..... You. One day at a time, one breath if need be