Some AA meetings remind me of being back in HS.
Grateful AA member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
Some AA meetings remind me of being back in HS.
Hi, I enjoy going to A meetings. I recently moved back to my father's house bc I just kept on drinking where I used to live. I moved out of this town right after high school because the town was so narrow minded and cliquish that I had to get away from it. Havent lived here in over ten years and have been to many meetings in this town that remind me of high school. I am surprised people in these AA meetings act this way they are not very accepting of new people. I dont feel the energy in these meetings at all. I wanted to get to a meeting last night so I thought I would give this one particular meeting a third chance but the AA members are members of the same meetings in town. I walked out I felt no connection and felt like I didnt fit in.
I found a meeting half hour away which I felt comfortable at right away and met many friendly faces. The same meeting I met my sponsor at and another nice woman who I spoke to Sat. night when I was having a hard time. I want to make this meeting my homegroup.
Its unfortunate I do not have a car and my family agreed to take me a few times a week but not every night bc they have to wait for me and its half hour away. Even a few members of these meetings have told me that they have heard from others that the meetings in the same town my father lives in are very cliquish and unfriendly to "outsiders" they refuse to go. So I know its not just my own paranoia creeping in.
I am very committed to staying sober...I would do a meeting every night but I have attempted an every day meeting in this local town every night and I dont want to be somewhere I am not comfortable. Its a shame I do not live closer to the other town bc I would enjoy going every night I actually look forward to them.
Has anyone else ever experienced this at meetings?
I found a meeting half hour away which I felt comfortable at right away and met many friendly faces. The same meeting I met my sponsor at and another nice woman who I spoke to Sat. night when I was having a hard time. I want to make this meeting my homegroup.
Its unfortunate I do not have a car and my family agreed to take me a few times a week but not every night bc they have to wait for me and its half hour away. Even a few members of these meetings have told me that they have heard from others that the meetings in the same town my father lives in are very cliquish and unfriendly to "outsiders" they refuse to go. So I know its not just my own paranoia creeping in.
I am very committed to staying sober...I would do a meeting every night but I have attempted an every day meeting in this local town every night and I dont want to be somewhere I am not comfortable. Its a shame I do not live closer to the other town bc I would enjoy going every night I actually look forward to them.
Has anyone else ever experienced this at meetings?
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I've found meetings to be just like anything else...Some are better than others. A lot of it has to do with how I'm feeling....I always pray I get something out of it or offer something worthwhile before I go in. I've never left one where I didn't learn something.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
My first meeting here was like that too. There are three brothers!
At the first meeting, I asked one guy if it was a men's meeting! I was the only woman.
One man quietly called a lady in AA who for the same reasons as you, avoided the meeting. She came to support "the new one" and became a good support for me. We went to other meetings together.
I have to say though, that eventually they accept you, if you "keep coming back".
They are just stuck in the small town mindset and you scare them. "Who is she? Can we trust her?"
I am not saying it is right. It just is.
On the nights you can't get a ride, just go.
A meeting is a meeting, and it will do them good too.
I found that by sticking to my local meeting, that more newcomers have come and stayed.
But, the most important thing is you do what is right for you.
Well done.
At the first meeting, I asked one guy if it was a men's meeting! I was the only woman.
One man quietly called a lady in AA who for the same reasons as you, avoided the meeting. She came to support "the new one" and became a good support for me. We went to other meetings together.
I have to say though, that eventually they accept you, if you "keep coming back".
They are just stuck in the small town mindset and you scare them. "Who is she? Can we trust her?"
I am not saying it is right. It just is.
On the nights you can't get a ride, just go.
A meeting is a meeting, and it will do them good too.
I found that by sticking to my local meeting, that more newcomers have come and stayed.
But, the most important thing is you do what is right for you.
Well done.
Grateful AA member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
Thank you. Ill do that because I am committed to my sobriety and its amazing when there is some kind of switch that goes off in your head that directs you towards a Meeting rather than the bottle. Just thankful I am sober.
I think its also because I moved from another part of the state and everyone is so much friendlier and open minded. I live in NJ and its a pretty small state but some parts can be as different as night and day lol.
I think its also because I moved from another part of the state and everyone is so much friendlier and open minded. I live in NJ and its a pretty small state but some parts can be as different as night and day lol.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Near Scranton PA
Posts: 424
Hey Innerchild,
I've had a kind of similar experience. There's a weekly meeting that was very convenient for me. This particular group tended to be comprised more by women than men and it's very much a "woman's" group. I can't say they were unwelcoming, that wouldn't be true, but it's definitely a different vibe. The women socialize a lot outside the meetings and they have a well-attended women's meeting. As a consequence, the men who attend often feel as though they've only gotten half of the conversation.
That's neither bad nor good, I guess. At the end of an hour, I may or may not have learned something,as with any meeting, but I've at least dedicated an hour of the day to my sobriety and, somedays, that all you need or get.
I don't know what the make up of your meeting is like but, and I'm guessing here, if you keep attending, you will start to feel better integrated into the group.
I've had a kind of similar experience. There's a weekly meeting that was very convenient for me. This particular group tended to be comprised more by women than men and it's very much a "woman's" group. I can't say they were unwelcoming, that wouldn't be true, but it's definitely a different vibe. The women socialize a lot outside the meetings and they have a well-attended women's meeting. As a consequence, the men who attend often feel as though they've only gotten half of the conversation.
That's neither bad nor good, I guess. At the end of an hour, I may or may not have learned something,as with any meeting, but I've at least dedicated an hour of the day to my sobriety and, somedays, that all you need or get.
I don't know what the make up of your meeting is like but, and I'm guessing here, if you keep attending, you will start to feel better integrated into the group.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I have a friend in AA that I only see at night meetings...My homegroup is at 8 in the morning. He has 28 years and I go to meetings at night just to see him. He tells a story how he went to one of his early meetings at a church and sat down at this big table. People started introducing themselves and went around the table....When it got to him he said..."Hi I'm Dave and I'm an alcoholic."...He said the entire room went silent and everybody was staring at him. He had wandered into a Church Board meeting...He just got up and left.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Living with love.
Posts: 45
[FONT="Georgia"]I'm so glad you posted this! Thanks
What you write of is eerily similar to whats happened in my experience', so much so that I actually avoided meetings and still do. Please note, I am NOT bagging the AA principles or the 12 steps, in fact I actually feel good when I read the steps and would like to be able to read them AND live them one day.
Small town here and newly sober I went to my first meeting 9 days sober and shopped around with meetings as much a I could (average 5 per week) as well as in the neighbouring towns. Had coffee only with other females as recommended- one lady (2 years sober) I had coffee with told me about her ex in the meetings and how he was a F#%$! and seemed quite angry, also when I told her I think I'd found my homegroup she told me that a married male member who chaired it came to her house asking for sex!, and she seemed to reminisce about her drinking days, told me that I didn't need to apologize when I came into meetings late (I preferred to) and in her words íf they don't like it then F&^%$ them!.
Another woman (10+ years sober) was lovely at first, offering to drive me to meetings and have coffee with but soon I felt like I was her pet project and when I was unable to go to a meeting she was ( I felt) demanding of me and questioned what else I had to do with my time/ told me I was sabotaging myself/ questioned whether I was an áctual alcoholic'/ and seemed to take it personally when I couldn't go to a meeting. Also, got put off when every time I'd see her at a meeting she asked me 'did you have a drink ?
Also decided to go to an out of town meeting where a male member spoke to me after a meeting telling me he noticed my nerves and anxiety, telling me about his single status and how he missed the sexual side of his marriage, also told me of a woman he was trying to help, showed me photos of her in a negligee! and shared intimate details of her life to me.
Another member (who I met elsewhere but still regularly goes to meetings) told me that she heard in a meeting that a "if you're not sober for 3-5 years, then you're not sober".
Whew! I think I needed to get that off my chest- I've been holding it in for ages. And I think I need validation.
My early recovery also came with, and still does, these overwhelming moments of clarity- I call them Higher Power lightning bolts! they can be overwhelming and certainly in the first two months absolutely drained me physically.Trying to reconcile within myself a codependent relationship that I needed to end was also on the menu as well as doing some soul searching about my social anxiety and saying goodbye to a benzo addiction was also front and centre for me, so in the early early times just the act of getting out of the house and talking to strangers about private details was a big deal! So maybe I was more fragile than some in my recovery!
I felt that the message of AA coupled with these (few) people who didn't seem very happy was difficult for me to connect with and I guess I sort of still feel that way. And to be honest, I am angry too- angry at them but at the core, angry with me for feeling trapped.
Would it be in my best interests to develop some assertiveness ? you betcha! AM I going to go back? yep, when I've done some counseling outside of the meetings. Did I get any value out of going? Yes! that's why I kept on going even when I had some unpleasant encounters.
Crickeys! I feel like I REALLY needed to tell someone- so thanks for listening to what is a big ol' ramble! And thanks for again for posting
Luv, Love. [/FONT
What you write of is eerily similar to whats happened in my experience', so much so that I actually avoided meetings and still do. Please note, I am NOT bagging the AA principles or the 12 steps, in fact I actually feel good when I read the steps and would like to be able to read them AND live them one day.
Small town here and newly sober I went to my first meeting 9 days sober and shopped around with meetings as much a I could (average 5 per week) as well as in the neighbouring towns. Had coffee only with other females as recommended- one lady (2 years sober) I had coffee with told me about her ex in the meetings and how he was a F#%$! and seemed quite angry, also when I told her I think I'd found my homegroup she told me that a married male member who chaired it came to her house asking for sex!, and she seemed to reminisce about her drinking days, told me that I didn't need to apologize when I came into meetings late (I preferred to) and in her words íf they don't like it then F&^%$ them!.
Another woman (10+ years sober) was lovely at first, offering to drive me to meetings and have coffee with but soon I felt like I was her pet project and when I was unable to go to a meeting she was ( I felt) demanding of me and questioned what else I had to do with my time/ told me I was sabotaging myself/ questioned whether I was an áctual alcoholic'/ and seemed to take it personally when I couldn't go to a meeting. Also, got put off when every time I'd see her at a meeting she asked me 'did you have a drink ?
Also decided to go to an out of town meeting where a male member spoke to me after a meeting telling me he noticed my nerves and anxiety, telling me about his single status and how he missed the sexual side of his marriage, also told me of a woman he was trying to help, showed me photos of her in a negligee! and shared intimate details of her life to me.
Another member (who I met elsewhere but still regularly goes to meetings) told me that she heard in a meeting that a "if you're not sober for 3-5 years, then you're not sober".
Whew! I think I needed to get that off my chest- I've been holding it in for ages. And I think I need validation.
My early recovery also came with, and still does, these overwhelming moments of clarity- I call them Higher Power lightning bolts! they can be overwhelming and certainly in the first two months absolutely drained me physically.Trying to reconcile within myself a codependent relationship that I needed to end was also on the menu as well as doing some soul searching about my social anxiety and saying goodbye to a benzo addiction was also front and centre for me, so in the early early times just the act of getting out of the house and talking to strangers about private details was a big deal! So maybe I was more fragile than some in my recovery!
I felt that the message of AA coupled with these (few) people who didn't seem very happy was difficult for me to connect with and I guess I sort of still feel that way. And to be honest, I am angry too- angry at them but at the core, angry with me for feeling trapped.
Would it be in my best interests to develop some assertiveness ? you betcha! AM I going to go back? yep, when I've done some counseling outside of the meetings. Did I get any value out of going? Yes! that's why I kept on going even when I had some unpleasant encounters.
Crickeys! I feel like I REALLY needed to tell someone- so thanks for listening to what is a big ol' ramble!
And thanks for again for postingLuv, Love. [/FONT
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
That's quite a handful you had to deal with there LovePrayLive...Sounds like a nightmare....I don't know what town you live in...But I can't imagine what the bars are like. I hope you find a meeting you like...And at least a few people that work the program....They're probably the nicest people I've met in my life....I've been blessed.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Did you come across the "close talkers"?
The ones that still talk really up close and all they are missing is the drink breath?
I love them. Usually older men who are really, really nice and very kind, but jeeze, back up the freakin' trailor already!!! lol
The ones that still talk really up close and all they are missing is the drink breath?
I love them. Usually older men who are really, really nice and very kind, but jeeze, back up the freakin' trailor already!!! lol
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Hollyanne 
Did you come across the "close talkers"?
The ones that still talk really up close and all they are missing is the drink breath?
I love them. Usually older men who are really, really nice and very kind, but jeeze, back up the freakin' trailor already!!! lol
The ones that still talk really up close and all they are missing is the drink breath?
I love them. Usually older men who are really, really nice and very kind, but jeeze, back up the freakin' trailor already!!! lol
Grateful AA member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
LovePrayLive,
Wow, what an interesting bunch of people I agree with Sapling I could not imagine what the bars are like. You all got me thinking though that I have the right to be at these meetings even if I do not feel welcome. I need to stop acting like a victim and assert my own power. I am going for myself to keep myself sober and if I cant go to the meetings I like I will have to make do but at least I go to a meeting.
Sapling is also right, at the meeting I like a lot some of the nicest people Ive ever met attend and I enjoy being around them. I think its also the vibe I get at the local meetings that I am not intuned with but I have a sponsor and others I can call if I need support.
Most of the people who attend the local meetings are older men and woman, some guys around my age but as the majority of the people are "old timers" and a lot older than me maybe thats why I feel out of place. At the other meeting the ages range from under twenty to a lot older but in either case everyone seems to welcome everyone.
Just have to remember only bc people are sober doesnt mean they are perfect. I rejected the program for so long so I have come a long way from a year ago.
Wow, what an interesting bunch of people I agree with Sapling I could not imagine what the bars are like. You all got me thinking though that I have the right to be at these meetings even if I do not feel welcome. I need to stop acting like a victim and assert my own power. I am going for myself to keep myself sober and if I cant go to the meetings I like I will have to make do but at least I go to a meeting.
Sapling is also right, at the meeting I like a lot some of the nicest people Ive ever met attend and I enjoy being around them. I think its also the vibe I get at the local meetings that I am not intuned with but I have a sponsor and others I can call if I need support.
Most of the people who attend the local meetings are older men and woman, some guys around my age but as the majority of the people are "old timers" and a lot older than me maybe thats why I feel out of place. At the other meeting the ages range from under twenty to a lot older but in either case everyone seems to welcome everyone.
Just have to remember only bc people are sober doesnt mean they are perfect. I rejected the program for so long so I have come a long way from a year ago.
...not falling down them
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,200
Originally Posted by Innerchild
Just have to remember only bc people are sober doesnt mean they are perfect. I rejected the program for so long so I have come a long way from a year ago.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Innerchild
You all got me thinking though that I have the right to be at these meetings even if I do not feel welcome. I need to stop acting like a victim and assert my own power. I am going for myself to keep myself sober and if I cant go to the meetings I like I will have to make do but at least I go to a meeting.
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