eJoshua

That is very astute of you to note about yourself. Good job thinking it through.

I'm a little concerned about what your sponsor said, though. I would be wary of anyone that suggests "experimenting" with your sobriety, but maybe I'm misunderstanding what she said.

gordano

The only person who can say that you are an alcoholic is yourself. Heath care professionals (just like everyone else) have no authority in this regard. Addiction or alcoholism is defined as drinking or drugging when you know its against your best interests. If you feel any of this makes sense to you then I would suggest that you do not drink at the party.

12skiptomylue

Josh, I really believe that my sponsor was on the right track when she said this. I keep fighting everything, and I seem to be completely resistant to surrender. Now that I've been 42 days sober, I've convinced myself that I don't have a problem, and I can handle all this. She met my challenge. Go out and try it. If you can't do it, then you know what you need to do. If you can, good for you.

BUT, it was not suggested that this party tonight would be a good time to experiment!!

I believe she is trying to strengthen my sobriety, rather than threaten it.

I hope that makes things a little more clear.

anotherquitter

You've got 42 days. Why not do something amazing for yourself and tomorrow wake up with 43.

I wouldn't advocate a big final blowout bash, nor big regrets. Your final was 42 nights ago. Don't give that away without a fight.

Stay strong.

sugarbear1

It's clear that those health professionals don't understand alcoholism.

Alcohol was my solution (the reason I self-medicated was to make the world okay with me). Alcohol is not the problem, I am the problem, therefore I self-medicate. I am an alcoholic.

suic

I was not one of those people who struggled with am I an alcoholic or not. It was so undeniably evident. I was sitting there alone in my boxers taking shots of liquor that I poured into dixie cups. So classy and dignified. I'll never forget that "I'M IN HELL" feeling i had doing that.

Dee74

I've read your posts since you got here Skip - I really, and respectfully, believe you already have enough 'data' for your experiment...personally, I can't see the point in more 'research'

I think you're on the right track with living authentically tho - I spent many many years trying to be what I thought I needed to be - funnier, wittier, more outgoing, more 'interesting' when all I really needed to be was me.

The real me is quieter, and less outgoing...I like simple pleasures and parties aren't really my deal anymore - I suspect I only liked them because I could drink as much as I liked and escape from myself...

I stopped running. I got sober.
I got to know myself...and I worked on the bits I didn't like.

It was scary - buit I had support - and it wasn't any worse than the drunken life I was leading.

Now, people like the real me...including me...
who'd have thought?

D

hypochondriac

I think people tend to tell people what they want to hear, even medical professionals. Be honest...if they said outright 'you're an alcoholic' would you not just deny it or at least look shocked?

I'm guessing by the fact you're graduating that you're in your early to mid 20's? I have taken an interest in your posts because I also had that back and forth 'am I aren't I' debate. I always thought that if someone could prove it to me, produce evidence of my alcoholism then I would accept it willingly. Reading your posts has made me realise that there's a distinct possibility that I would have denied it despite my own evidence to the contrary.

I'm in my early 30's and believe me a few to 5 years is plenty of time to develop a physical dependence and therefore those withdrawals you've managed to avoid plus some annoying or life threatening health problems...and STILL be having that back and forth 'am I aren't I debate'.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do at your party and I hope you keep us posted xxx

Oh and well done on the 42 days, that's an amazing achievement

12skiptomylue

Hi Everyone. I just wanted to come back and tell you what happened.

Hypochondriac, I'm actually in my middle 30's

Dee, you are SO right about finding the real me, and letting that be known.

I went to the party. I felt that I had a reason to be there besides drinking. But I made the decision before I went in to the party that I wasn't going to drink/get high, and I was going to be as authentic as possible. AND, I wasn't going to mope around and be like, "oh poor me, I can't drink, everyone notice I'm not drinking and feel sorry for me!". So, I thought about what it would look like if I was drunk and carefree and "fun", and I tried to incorporate that into being sober.

And I did a really good job! Sadly, what people told me about people not really noticing or caring turned out to be VERY not true in this group of people. I had people pouring me shots and handing them to me. Literally handing me open bottles of liquor, asking me why I'm not drinking, and what is wrong. I even had one person pull me into a seperate room to find out why I'm not drinking. I figure I declined alcohol about 10 times last night.

It was a little hard at first. A little like, "this feels uncomfortable, and I don't want to be different than everyone else". Probably the hardest part for me is when people would pour drinks and not put the lid back on the alcohol bottle. I kept thinking about rimming the bottle with my finger and licking the alcohol off. But I didn't. And it was hard when the WHOLE group would take group shots, and I wasn't involved in that.

Actually, the party was kind of fun for the first hour or two. But by then, people were sloppy drunk, and it just wasn't pretty. It was nice to not have to be that person. And it was nice to be able to drive home and not worry about whether I should be driving or not, or whether I was going to get pulled over. And it was nice to not wake up with a raging hangover and feel like utter crap this morning.

So, I'm still glad I went. I'm glad that I had that experience. And I'm glad that God, my inner self, and all of my support allowed me to stay sober that night.

hypochondriac

Wow, well done x

Sapling

That's pretty amazing....It sounds like you learned something about yourself...That's great skip!

artsoul

I think you're doing great and you're obviously learning a lot, too! It's quite interesting to be sober and watch how alcohol affects people. It feels good to have no fear, but it doesn't really make us better versions of ourselves at all. I'd rather be around normal folks now who have insecurities/vulnerabilities just like I do (and everyone has them)....... it's actually pretty cool to learn to love ourselves, imperfections and all, and I could never do that while I was drinking my thoughts and feelings away.

Thanks for sharing your insights!

raindancer11

I really loved reading this. I remember that feeling of not fitting in but that went away. It really is wonderful to get to know your real self and not worry so much about what others think. Great job!

desertsong

Skip, you rock. Great job.

Tonight I had a telephone conversation with hubby's drunk cousin ... I talked to him because hubby didn't want to ... very uncomfortable ... the "up" side being that I was sober and could deal with the weirdness on the other end of the line.

Sometimes being around other drunks while you're sober is a very enlightening experience.I am so very proud of you for taking care of yourself. I was thinking of you the entire day of that party and I am soooo relieved to hear of the outcome. It sounds like you learned A LOT.

Keep going, girlfriend. Sounds like you're getting there.

Jersey Nonny

No one wants to be a diabetic, either. But, there are worse things than realizing you "are" and doing something about it.

Sadly, there is still too much stigma and ignorance regarding alcoholism. As evidenced by the conclusions reached by the pros.

Quote:

It's clear that those health professionals don't understand alcoholism.

I definitely don't think you're in the right frame of mind to be going to a drinking party, graduation or otherwise. Personally, I would either skip it altogether...or drop in briefly and skip out quickly. Chances are, they'll all be so involved doing their own thing, they won't even notice you're gone.

Long-term...I'd suggest you continue with the "no drinking" path you have such a good start on. Continue going to meetings for the next 48 days, which is the traditionally recommended 90 days. You should have a pretty good idea by then whether or not sobriety (and AA) will be a continuous part of your life.

BTW...remember all of the above so that, when you have enough continuous sobriety to sponsor someone yourself, you will be prepared with some of the answers to questions a newcomer comes up with. (Yes, I'm betting you'll make the decision to stick with AA and sobriety.)

Jersey Nonny

A day late and a few posts behind LOL

Quote:

I definitely don't think you're in the right frame of mind to be going to a drinking party, graduation or otherwise.

I'm glad you proved me wrong about this.

Quote:

(Yes, I'm betting you'll make the decision to stick with AA and sobriety.)

I'm glad I was right about this!!!

Well done, Skip!!!