Pigtails

Hi everyone. I'm just checking in for some selfish comfort because I am having some rough times! I feel like things are the most stressful for me than they've been at any other point since I stopped drinking, or maybe just in general. I don't know how much any of this has to do with not drinking, I am just having a really tough time. My grandmother is dying... the bad part is that she is in horrible but stable condition, her quality of life is terrible and she's in pain and receiving "comfort care only" until she dies... but she has always been a fighter and is fighting death like she fought life! She wants to keep hanging on as long as she can and while I am glad I came out to visit her and my family, and I'm trying to comfort my dad through all of this, it is absolutely heart-breaking and so stressful.

And in the middle of all of this, my parents, who are married but haven't gotten along in ions, are not getting along even more and fighting in front of me and my little siblings, and yesterday my dad told me that they are going to get separated and likely divorced (although they have said this like six times in the past two years and never do... I honestly wish they would.)

I just feel like an outsider, I mean I am an outsider, I live 2,000 miles away and I try to visit often but whenever I come I feel useless, things are so messed up and it's not like I can do anything to help or fix things when I am only here for a bit. (I'm just talking about my parents and my little siblings who still live at home... add to that my grandma and it's completely insane). I realize I can't fix them or change them, I guess I realized that a long time ago and it's part of why I moved away, but I also realize that it's affected me, it still affects me, and I don't know how to fix or change *myself.* I mean, every situation feels foreign to me and I constantly question my judgment about what to do or say. I feel like I make things worse by coming to visit. Even though they always say they want me here and are glad I'm here and even that they want me to move back etc., it's like a constant stress/pressure situation when I'm here, like I add on to all the chaos that's already here, just by my presence or maybe I never learned how to deal with them and I accidentally make things worse with my reactions.

I don't know, I just needed to vent. I am trying to find some sanity in the midst of what I feel is a very insane situation but so far I feel incredibly *insane.* I am also trying to figure out a bunch of issues with my business/work situation, which I was in the middle of doing when I had to leave to come see my grandma, and all week I've kind of been putting out fires but haven't had much time or space to work on my own stuff so when I get back I have a lot waiting for me in terms of work, so it's like I don't want to stay here but I don't want to go back! At least the work stuff involves things I can, or should, be able to control but with my family it's a whole different thing, totally out of my control.

bryangt

I feel ya pigtails. Family issues are tough to deal with especially since we can not control the outcome. The only thing I do is I hope & I pray to keep my family happy, healthy & safe...I love them dearly & often feel guilty as I can't be there to help. I know what you mean by these feelings and often guilt hits us too. Hang in there..do what you can while you are there...and remember the good times....

SOBERINNEPA

Hey Pigtails.

Since I'm an expert at stating the obvious; Taking care of you is, and will always be, your first priority. If you're not copacetic, you're not much good to the rest of the world. If you need a timeout, take it. We can only stand so much time in the whirlwind.

I'll be thinking of you.

2granddaughters

I would be looking up the closest AA meeting and going to it.

All the best, Pigtails.

Bob R

awuh1

Hi PT, thanks for checking in while you're away. I would make a few meetings there if you think that would help, but one other thing.

As hard as it is for you to lose a grandmother, you have a parent who is losing a mother, and that’s even tougher. Provide that parent with comfort. That’s the person who most needs the most help now IMO (though your younger sibs may need a lot of attention also). Focus on what you realistically can do for those others (including your grandmother) and do it. Focusing on helping others will get you out of yourself and do everyone some good. When you have done so, go home. Then take care of yourself and your business knowing you have done your best.

Pigtails

Thanks Awuh. That is exactly what I've been trying to do. Luckily the one good thing is that I have been a "buddy" to my dad all week, and that that's what he needs most right now. Just someone to support him no matter what he decides (he has seven siblings and is by far the most... stable... financially and mentally... he comes from a family with a lot of issues and most of his siblings have physical and/or mental and/or financial issues --- to see them and my dad is like night and day, I can't believe he comes from the same family honestly).

So he has the power of attorney and is the one to make ALL the decisions about my grandma, including her level of care and deciding when/if to take her off certain things, and planning the arrangements for her funeral or other after-death issues, not to mention financing her care and funeral as almost no one else in the family has any money and/or do not want to use it for my grandma, as there are a lot of strained relationships. So my dad is left having to be the one to handle everything while also trying to take into account the differing opinions of his siblings because even though they can't/won't help out financially or on a daily basis etc., they are still her children and have their own feelings about what's happening with her.

So he is just super stressed and upset... today we both talked to my grandmother's doctor and my grandmother about options for her care and her funeral and both my dad and I were crying!! So we have been going to visit her together, going to eat and going running together, talking a lot and just hanging out together. In that sense I feel I'm a huge help-- I can tell he appreciates having me here and having my support.

BUT the crazy thing is that it makes my mom jealous or something... she has huge co-dependency issues (which I inherited/learned!!) and also some mental and physical health issues and so she gets upset/jealous when he spends time with me... she gets stressed out that I'm around and I'm a change to her routine/structure (which isn't very structured but she likes to have control over everything and me being here throws that off). So that's why I say when I'm here it feels like it makes things worse, because it triggers my mom's issues (not even me per se, just the dynamics of the situation) and she gets really upset and mean to my dad, who gets upset and mean back (he's certainly not blameless and I don't mean to take sides... it's just right now I think he needs me), and I feel like my mere presence causes World War III. :-/

Thanks everyone for the kind words. Sometimes I need a place just to vent!

Sapling

Two things Pigtails....Read this and don't pick up the first drink. You're doing great.



BB page 417 in the 4th edition

Pigtails

Thanks Sapling, that helps.

BTW I was browsing SR on my BB at the hospital and didn't have time or a good enough connection to log in and post, but I saw your happy birthday thread... my belated congrats on your ten months, that's great. I will soon hopefully have six months.

awuh1

Well just 1 more idea. Perhaps it would help if you went to your mother and just said "hay mom I know things have not been easy on you lately either but I think they are a lot worse for dad so I'm going to be paying alot more attention to him. I hope you don't take it personally and that I can make it up to you in the future". I daano. Might make her feel better, addressing it directly with her. Hang in there. You ARE doing great.

Pigtails

Okay thanks, I'll try this. I'm taking her shopping tomorrow... so that I get some one on one time with her too and hopefully this will help. She's very difficult but I do know she loves me and I love her too.

Adalie

Losing a loved one is always difficult, but at least you are sober and are facing the situation head on and with a clear head. When I am in a situation like this I am always the one doing all the little things that no one thinks of doing but everyone is happy are done (cleaning, picking up breakfast, giving a hug here or there, errands, etc.) I would also try to make sure my dad had as little to worry about as possibles so that he can focus his attention on his mother. The best thing to do is to go with the flow and try to overlook small problems/arguments that don't matter in the overall scheme of things. Most importantly, take care of you though. Take as much time as you need to process what is happening and to sort out your feelings.

*Adalie

Sapling

Thanks...And that's awesome!!

Pigtails

Thanks everyone. Today was so very tough but I am feeling better now. I was just really sad and depressed!!!!

Sapling

It's life Pigtails...Even being sad and depressed is better when you are sober.

Pigtails

True. I was much more sad, depressed, and emotional (up and down and all over the place) when I was drinking. I know that drinking would only make things worse. At least I am experiencing my feelings and reality sober.

And I am very grateful to be able to spend my grandmother's final days with her sober, so that I can not only be physically present with her but also mentally, emotionally and even spirituality. My other family members have been talking a lot about heaven and salvation etc. and I don't really believe in any of that/I'm not christian, but, for me this is teaching me about accepting the different stages of life and that we are all connected and our time together is limited and precious. My grandmother has a lot of issues, really everyone in my family including myself does!!, and I am seeing how it all relates to everything else and why and how people are the way they are, and how hard it is to break through old patterns and change things, but that it can be done but we also have to accept other people and circumstances for who/what they are. To me I'm learning many spiritual lessons and that is a blessing.