Weasel1966

Is your wife, husband, partner also an alcoholic / drug user?

Mine is. 18 years and we grew into our problem together. Some would argue that we have little chance of coming out of this with our relationship but I can tell you we are trying. It's not easy for sure.*

We struggle everyday. Our relationship was passionate for the first 7 years. Without even noticing that our time and associations were more alcohol and drug based. Took 10 years to really come to grips. Those years were lonely even as we were together.*

We have really made progress. We are both determined. The passion and sex is not back yet but no rush. Not worth a damn unless sobriety is there too.*

Our connection is strong. I have real hope in the future. But we are keen to understand this is only something that can be solved by the person who needs the help. The other can only encourage.*

Have any of you dealt with both yourself and your partner in the same struggle? What happened?*

MentalLoop

My fellow NY'er (Queens myself), my wife and I are together 18 years, and I have to say that although difficult at first, our relationship, sex, passion has gotten exponentially better over the last several months...and after 18 years; that's saying a hell of a lot. Some of our most notable improvements:

1. Over 18 years, you learn to suck up certain things, or not address, just because. I'm not talking about pet peeves, I'm talking about personal crazy. Those things that you just shove back in the banal of your brain. Those things frankly, I drank to forget - anxiety, fear, etc.
- Well, without booze, guess what reared its ugly head? Instead of trying to shut it up, for my own survival, I have been trying to deal with those issues. And guess what, a lot of that involved talking to my wife to help me. Not to be crude, but some of our best intimate experiences in the last few months have immediately followed two hours of just talking about my insecurities and fears. Our partners want to be real PARTNERS, not just people who share homes or last names.

2. In my case, but as I'm sure in many, the physical attributes of sobriety have been very positive. The resulting self image improvement only helps not detracts on the intimacy front.

3. As my ability to go out and party has diminished, and well my drunk buddies find my company a little less than favorable, guess who has been filling the void? My wife - and guess what, I remember why I fell in love with her, loved her, and continue to love her. We often go out for desert now in the evenings, or catch a movie, bike ride, run, talk about parenting our kids - dear god, did i just define life as it was intended?

My suggestion: see sobriety as genesis or a renaissance not an adjustment. Your lives together are about to start from scratch - there is only upside!

GracieJane

Yes - the person I was in a relationship with for several years was an alcoholic and a prescription pill user, and when the fog cleared for me and I realized that I had to get sober, I also realized that the relationship had to end because sobriety was not part of his plan. It was painful, but there was a huge sense of relief in knowing that -- with all of the work I would have to undertake -- looking at his beer bottles and all that his addiction entailed would not be part of my problem or environment anymore. If that sounds harsh, so be it. I did what I had to do to.

I'm only 29 days sober, but it's been easier because of the choice that I made.

Weasel1966

Mental.... You said it way better than me but that's kinda where things are going for us.

LOL.... We now have another addiction to TCBY as we often go just to have something to do together. The time to share is there as well. We laugh a lot together.

My body def. feels better sober. Makes the physical part a lot more fun.

Thanks for sharing. Ya made me feel a lot better knowing I am not alone in learning to be a good partner again. Have to give to get huh?

Ken

Jeni26

Yes I think so, but still firmly in denial!
He watches me go to AA meetings and listens to what I'm learning about myself, but still drinks to excess and won't discuss it.
We've been married 21 years and I still love him very much but got a feeling things will need to change big time if I'm to be successful in my sobriety...

Weasel1966

When I mentioned that it took ten years to come to grips I mean it took a few of those of just me saying there is a problem. Me going to meetings. Me seeing a therapist. I failed and failed again to stay sober. Cannot blame my partner but unless you see things somewhat the same way they will undermine the process.

Please hold out. We are now on the same page. It took time but we are there.

Good luck to you.

Ken

stillsleeping

Hey all, H and I met as addicts, him to opiates and weed, me to booze, both of us habitual drinkers and drug users. Habitual as in they were a part of our daily routine. We were genuineyly frightened that we'd clean up and realise we didn't really like each other. Or more accurately, we were both frightened the other would find us boring.

Fat chance. He's still the funniest sexiest and weirdest hairy tattooed dude I ever did meet, and he thinks I'm fricken adorable. We're brighter and cuter and way funnier that when we were shucking coke and sucking beers (I know! Shocker huh?). We're still addicts. But now we're clean.

Jen, I feel for you hun. I never imagined H would do this too, and it would have been horrible doing it alone. He relapsed a few times when he first came off the pills and realising he was lying to me was such a lonely time. I hope you and yr h find your way to the same place.

Xx

Zebra1275

No. My wife has a medical issue and drinking alcohol makes it worse. She has probably had 10 drinks in the past 20 years.

Me, I have an alcohol issue and drinking alcohol makes it worse. I've probably had a bazillion drinks in the past 20 years.

Somehow we've made it through this and our relationship continues to grow. I love the woman and for some strange reason she seems to put up with me.

candie

I can totally relate to that, I always used to think i'd be boring if I wasn't drinking

stillsleeping

...for the record, we have absolutely no idea what other people think of us now. Maybe they think we're the pits haha! But who cares man, our little world is still intact

2granddaughters

Wife and I started dating in Nov 1962, it will be 50 yrs this fall. Married 42.

I'm AA, she's Al-Anon. We both tried to fix/change each other for years and now we try to communicate/compromise and respect one-another. Tough sometimes but certainly do-able.

I've know great AA's who were sober for decades and died sober while their spouses were still drunks. Many sobered up together. It's up to us.

All the best to everyone.

Bob R

lostdotty

it's a strang eone for me, we both drink far to much, but where as he is happy go lucky with a drink I'm the nasty vile one. I have been sober for 12 days and he is driving me wild. He have had a drink every night for the last 7 and I'm sick of getting up in the morning to his empty cans i kept my mouth shut because I thought once all his cans were gone he would slow down but NO tonight he went tothe shop to buy 4 more.

He is sat there behind me on his xbox I could cry and when he taps his can twice and pull the ring I could really through something at him, it have taken every thing out of me to just say no I don't want a drink tonight when I would be quite happy to be getting p***ed right about now.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrh! He don't want to admit I got a problem!!

candie

Awww that must be really hard for you, with him still drinking My OH hasn't had a drink for the same amount of time as me, as he is trying to support me

stillsleeping

Yeah dude, that is rough. H cleaned up with me to support, and has really got into it. I don't think I could have done this with him still drinking.

You must be made of girders! Pink ones, of course. With lacy bits