Admiral

I've started to socially drink and use marijuana again, I haven't gotten to the point of buying, or drinking alone again, but I feel like I'm there. It's been really dry recently, my supply sources have dried up, I guess someone must be looking out for me, it's never been this hard to find drugs before, and I feel like I've reached that point where I just don't care any more.

It's like the other half of me has completely won, I have no regrets, no shame, I feel like I'm ready to be done with sobriety, that my head is clear and I want to start using again. I keep thinking over all the times I've flushed liquor and drugs in the past, how I've wanted to stop, and I realize that I'm not in my right mind right now, I haven't been for a while, I have to have faith in those past commitments, and realize that at THAT time I was thinking clearly and that right NOW I am not. I've felt this way for four days straight, that whole thing about cravings lasting for twenty minutes... I just don't get where people pull those numbers from, it's not twenty minutes, it's all the time, morning, night, in class, at work, all the time, for four days.

I feel tired of this obsession, I honestly don't know what will happen if I continue to wait this out. How can it be so constant and relentless? Where is this coming from, and how do I turn it off?

Dee74

I remember my backsliding experiences too - the most insidious thing was I actually felt good about it - in hindsight, of course I did...I was an addict getting my fix....

It's hard to break that cycle - especially if you've started convincing yourself that it's ok.

You know on some level that you'll be back at that dark place that first bought you here to SR soon enough.

I'd use anything I could to get out the cycle right now.

Maybe its time to look for some face to face support Admiral - AA SMART or whatever - are you open to that?

D

Admiral

AA seems to rely heavily on the bible and on god, they say that putting your faith in ANY higher power can work, but really it seems to mostly be god, I cannot accept that. I tend to avoid religious people, I think that religion is very misunderstood, I see a lot of hypocrisy in it, and I see a lot of closed mindedness. I don't feel comfortable around people who are strongly religious, It's been that way for a long time, and so I know that I would feel alienated in AA immediately, I can't be in a program based on religion.

I don't really know what else is out there, and it really hurts that I work at nights, which is when most meetings of any sort take place.

scrambled2012

I found that I tended to turn to alcohol, with its extream damage, when I couldn't get pot. This has happened often enough, and my troubles with alcohol have been great enough, that I know in order to stay away from drinking, I have to surrender to the fact that I need to stay away from pot as well. In part, I ended up drinking so long that I have forgotten what it is to crave pot, but i stil know they are connected.

Don't know if that helps. To turn it off....meditation, distraction, exercise, goal setting, something to change your focus, or maybe a careful review all of the reasons you quit in the first place?

good luck buddy

Dee74

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach, Admiral - there's a secular web sticky at the top of the forum with info on methods like SMART and the like...

I know that SMART has online meetings if time is at a premium...
and Rational Recovery (AVRT) is based on a book - no meetings required. That might also be something you'd want to check out.

I get working and time - but what else are you you gonna do here?
how much time do you spend drinking and smoking right now?

Surely your recovery is worth a comparable or greater effort than your destruction?

D

RyanRyan

I agree with you on this. I have stayed away from AA for this reason too. Right now I am using sobriety as my rock and surrounding myself with the good advice and stories here at SR to just stay away from the booze. I haven't looked into much else either...If nothing else stay involved here. Good luck!

epskie

Hi Guys,

I understand what you're saying about AA. I consider myself an Atheist through and through. I have a portrait of Richard Dawkins on the stairs in my house, my dog is called Darwin and my bookshelf is packed with Christopher Hitchens books. But I have to tell you - AA is the only thing that has worked for me so far.

The God thing really is not prevalent at all. As Atheists we go through life co-exsisting with religious folk - can't we do the same in recovery?

Honestly, it's really helped me and I was determined to let the religion thing get in the way.

Good Luck xx

Admiral

Thanks for the links, and thanks to everyone else who posted, I'm feeling a lot better now. I just had to really sit down and write it out and talk about it. I'll look into some of those programs as well.

instant

At SMART there was an exercise I think called the Cost Benefit Analysis. Essentially a pros and cons of using, abstinence and moderation. Depending on which 'mindset' we are in we will emphasise one aspect and rationalise, deny or ignore the parts that do not fit with where we are with it emotionally.

Good luck with whatever you chose. Alcohol and drugs did not take me to a better place.

TigerLili

I'm in AA and I look on it as spiritual rather than religious. There is a part of the Big Book that refers to 'God' as being a 'previously untapped inner resource'. p567.

Admiral

I'm looking at AVRT and I really like the way they treat addiction. I've already began to think this way on my own, I think I'll give it a try.

Spinach

Hi , I so wanted to enjoy my choices . I would love to have had a bottle of whiskey on the shelf for when I wanted to listen to music maybe a box full of herb just for when.
I had friends that did but I couldn't , it always went as soon as I could Finnish them.
Does this sound familiar.
Try the sober route and look for a different focus.
John.

Bamboozle

It takes a long time for the brain to change. Three years sober and I'm dealing with this right now. It happens. I don't have to act on my thoughts. I find something else to do.

Socially using (I assume that means light use) jane and booze is going to make it worse. Here's a Yogi Berra-esque bit o sobriety wisdom: It's easier not to use if you aren't using at all.

sugarbear1

Call it what you want, but all I had to do was be willing to believe that there is a possibility that there is a power greater than me that may exist. I worked the steps.

Today, I have no reason to drink, no desire, no craving and I couldn't even will myself to drink...(I tried it). I am not religious at all. It's working for me. I just work on being the best me possible each moment of each day.

AVRT is online. Try working that!

anotherquitter

"Do, or do not. There is no try." - Jedi Master Yoda.

Zencat

Admiral if you do reconsider if AA may work for you, know that others like myself (atheist) have a way of working the program.
I recently have reconsidered my involvement in AA as an atheist. One precept of AA is being honest with oneself. So with all honesty about who I am, I have concluded I'm an atheist to my very core. Nothing, including eminent death will change that. Religion is so repelling to me that I become physically ill when exposed to more that my limit of tolerance. That limit is just a tiny dose of the stuff.

Theres an ongoing thread in Secular about AVRT. Here's the link to it. Also see Rational Recovery: The New Cure for Substance Addiction. By Jack Trimpey. (Google book preview including the Addiction Voice Recognition Technique or the AVRT)

I suggest, as I believe some others have, keep your involvement here at SR up. Use this site as means to be supported in your recovery. Any path to better health is all good. Hope to see you around here.

2granddaughters

AA doesn't use the bible at all... and is not a religious program.
You have condemned it without even checking it out (I shot myself in the foot often with that prejudice too)

Admiral, I wish you the best in whatever you chose as a recovery program and AA will be there for you if you need it later down the line..

Bob R