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So angry with myself...

Old 04-23-2012, 04:17 AM
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So angry with myself...

April 10th I decided to get sober. I made it ten days. I began to feel normal again and started to think differently. I felt happy, my wife was proud of me. Everything was going good. Friday the booze got me. I spent an entire day justifying to myself that I did not have a problem, that I was over it and I could handle a couple beers. I now know that I cannot. Although not as bad as before I spent the entire weekend drinking. I drank an entire case of beer and two bottles of wine this weekend. Of course saving for the Sunday night finally! Just woke up with my face again plastered to the cold hard wood floor, headache and the anxiety attacks back in full swing, can't sleep, dehydrated beyond belief. I cannot believe my voracious appetite for alcohol. I cannot get enough. I realize now that one beer will spell destruction for me. Opening the door to more, more, more until I crack. I cannot control myself around this deceptive monster. I am an alcoholic. My wife looked so sad, she is worried about me to the point of tears. We had two fights over alcohol this weekend. I just don't know what to do. 4am sunday, back to zero. What is wrong with me. I can't believe this is what I've become...
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Old 04-23-2012, 04:22 AM
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I couldn't believe that I had an alcoholic either Ryan. Try to remember that alcoholism is not a character defect, it's a disease. And, you can recover.

When the thoughts come to you to justify that you can have a drink or two, recognize that it is your addict-voice talking, often loudly, to you. It wants to destroy you and once you recognize that, you can hear it and let it go.

I'm glad you're back.
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Old 04-23-2012, 04:25 AM
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I hear ya, Ryan.

I had 24 days on April 13 and blew it (on a Friday after work of course) and have drank three more times since then.

I don't know WHY I just cannot accept I cannot drink anymore--that I am an alcoholic and that's just the way it is.

Anyway, good luck to you and let's try not to feel so down about ourselves? It sucks to recognize all this, we are here, and we are trying to face this and make our lives better.

Good luck to you.
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Old 04-23-2012, 04:31 AM
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welcome back Ryan and Ophelia - many of us listened to that voice that we wanted to hear - the one that assured us we didn't have a problem

eventually I accepted without reservation that I did have a problem...and from that moment I started to move forward with my recovery.

I really hope both you guys can look back at this as your turning point too

D
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Old 04-23-2012, 04:33 AM
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Originally Posted by RyanRyan View Post
I am an alcoholic. I just don't know what to do. What is wrong with me. I can't believe this is what I've become...
I found sobriety in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Wishing you the best in your chosen recovery program.

All the best.

Bob R
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Old 04-23-2012, 04:45 AM
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After my vow to never drink again, I lasted 14 days. It was a clear and conscious decision to drink. I too was baffled at my fall. What my relapsed proved to me was the insanity of alcohol and any thoughts of drinking again, any at all, was insane thinking. Alcoholics can't make clear and conscious decisions regarding alcohol. I wasn't a normal drinker, and I wasn't going to turn into one no matter how much I wished it so. I accepted never drinking again.

I've been sober since that relapse.
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Old 04-23-2012, 04:49 AM
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Hey glad your back, slipping can be part of the process. I would recommend that if you are not going to A.A. you should buy the book Allan Carr's Easy way to Control Alcohol, you need to condition yourself to not listen to the voice in your head that says go for it, you can have a few. It takes time, slowly it gets quieter. You can buy book online if you have an kindle or any other e-reader.

Make today the day you dust yourself off and start again! Best of luck my friend.
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Old 04-23-2012, 04:50 AM
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Dee as so often has it bang on.
My point would be not to feel worse about it but use it as a really vital tool .
It spells out there is no point in the one drink that's not what we want.
I tried and managed badly but within tight limits for a few days/weeks... Then the dawn arrived and I knew my drinking was playing a game that still allowed drink to be around me so that when I failed it would be easy. Once I went for the no drink ever and to reject any other ideas of rational drinking it became easier as all I had to cope with was the mood swings sleep ,,,,,, but I didn't have any moral questions . I was starting on a solid base.
I am still only a handful or so weeks sober and I do have some complex medical problems but turning away without any question of ever drinking has been so beneficial for me.
I hope it will be for you also.
John.
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Old 04-23-2012, 04:57 AM
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You can read this book for free. Read the Doctor's Opinion and the first 103 pages....See if you can relate to it. Sounds like you are ready to take off the gloves...I know I had to. Good luck to you.

The text of Alcoholics Anonymous
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Old 04-23-2012, 05:09 AM
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Ryan...I know it is tough..I'm having the same struggle..Hard to accept that there is a problem..I had the same issue this week end, gave in and now feel like you do..
All I can say is keep moving forward, recognize the voice for what it is, and remember, once you take that first one..all bets are off.

You posted, you know that there is support here. Stay strong and keep posting..

Jim
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Old 04-23-2012, 05:19 AM
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I agree with many of the others here. I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about this important lesson that you learned this weekend. It should help you to find a better way forward.

You are addicted to alcohol. As such, choosing to drink alcohol will take you down a road you don't want to go.

I never choose to drink alcohol and so I never have to go down that road. You can too!
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Old 04-23-2012, 05:21 AM
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Only you can bend your elbow, open your mouth and swallow. Shower, shake off the shame and the guilt. Let it wash down the drain, towel off and move forward. We've all been in your shoes to some degree. Do this for you but embrace the love of those around you. Remember how you feel and realize that you never have to feel this way again because of alcohol. Nuture yourself - do not feed the beast.
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:17 AM
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Sorry to hear about your slips RR and RO, it's very difficult to admit that no matter how much we wish it, we have no control over our drinking. In my short sober time, that seems to be the key thing I'm learning from others: Surrender, and once the battle stops, recovery can begin.

You CAN do this!!
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:30 AM
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Thanks everyone, I knew this would be the best place to be for support. I will be reading the prescribed books. It is funny how I can see the difference of who I am after 10 days sober compared to right now. Friday I was on top of the world and today I can clearly see i am not. I am much happier as a sober person. I feel more successfull, positive, driven and happy. Thank you all so much for being there for me today. It means the world. Back on this pony!
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:38 AM
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Ophelia, Ryan, that is what we all go through, the belief that now we have accepted we have a problem with alcohol, that we can control it.
We cant, you have been lucky enough to realise early, and can do something about it.
We cant drink , once we realise that, we can embrace sobriety fully
I wish you well on recovery
Billy
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:45 AM
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Ii'm sorry to hear about your relapse RyRy but remember that your story has been told thousands of times by thousands of different people in thousands of different AA groups. Only the names have been changed. You need to understand that there is no "just a little bit" for us. Even if we moderate for one night, we'll believe, based on that "success," that we can have a bit more the nect time and soon we are right back in thr bottle.

This stuff is poison to us. It is not okay for us in any amount,
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:47 AM
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It's hard. I was sober for 8 months and still relapsed. I somehow convinced myself that it would be all right, that this time, I could control it and have "just one" or "just a couple". It all seems so absurd now.

I am now on what I would call my second serious attempt at quitting. I'm only on my third day, but I have a good feeling about it this time.

Don't give up, we are all here for you and understand what you are going through. We can all do it together.
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:59 AM
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Originally Posted by RyanRyan View Post
Back on this pony!
Make sure that it's a good horse under you and you'll do fine....

All the best.

Bob R
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Old 04-23-2012, 11:59 AM
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Ryan,
You must forgive yourself and move on!!! Did you drink today? No? Thats all that matters then. Right on brother!
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Old 04-23-2012, 06:39 PM
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Good stuff Ryan...glad to see your positive return to sobriety!

You can do this!
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