12skiptomylue

So, I'm kind of struggling in a different way. I am still going to AA meetings almost every day, working with my sponsor, just started working step two.

You know that part of the big book (I think it's in the dr's opinion, or ch 1 or 2), where it says to do the moderation experiment if you are not sure.... Yeah, that really bothers me because I feel like it gives me permission to start drinking again.

Last week, I was fairly certain that I am an alcoholic. I did my alcohol history, and there was a lot of not pretty things. Periods of drinking every day, periods of getting drunk every day, driving tipsy/drunk, driving other people while I've been tipsy/drunk, had DT's once with shaking and hallucinations, I made choices against my own values and morals when I am drinking, I've hidden alcohol from people, I've wondered if alcohol is available every where I go, and if it's not, consider getting it before I go. I've had a friend comment on the fact that she felt like she needed to take care of me when I was drinking in public, b/c I do embarrassing things. Since quitting alcohol (35 days ago today!), I have fantasized about beer. To the point that I can see it, feel it, smell it, almost taste it. I want it SO bad.

BUT, from day 30, and on, I have convinced myself I do not have a problem. Instead of looking at the whole picture of what is above, I'm been extrapulating pieces and looking at those individual pieces and say, "that's not really that big of a deal". "Lots of people have done this". (My sponsor told me, "you don't know what a normal drinker is, b/c you are not a normal drinker").

Last week, I was convinced I have a real problem. This week, I'm almost as convinced I don't have a problem. Both can't be true. So what does my insides say? I really don't want to have a problem, because that means that I can never drink again. 35 days feels like it's been FOOOOOREVER!! And I want to drink, so I want it to be okay. Also, 35 days ago, I thought, "I'll just deal with this now, go to meetings, work the steps, get through them as fast as I can, and fix this. So when I move in a couple months, I don't have to bring this with me. I can leave it here and start things over". I SO BADLY want that to be true. But I know it's not true. A "normal" person would not be grieving the loss of alcohol.

I just kind of hate myself right now, and hate that I ended up in this f-ing place. It's like one day, it was all okay, and the next day it wasn't. HATE!

Anna

Well, I am sure you will need to believe that you are an alcoholic if you hope for your recovery to work. It's hard work and takes a lot of motivation, so if you are ambivalent, I can't imagine how it could work long-term.

One of the things I loved about stopping drinking for good was that my mind cleared. All the cluttering thoughts of drinking - when, where, how much, what, etc were constantly running through my mind until I took the option of drinking off the table. I had freedom again.

Sapling

Sounds like you have a good sponsor....They're usually right. Just think of all the misery you can save yourself if you get Step 1 right.

doggonecarl

The problem isn't the book, the problem isn't your interpretation of the book. Here's the problem, in your own words:

I really don't want to have a problem, because that means that I can never drink again.

It is hard enough to quit when you want to. When you are waffling, when you can't accept NEVER drinking, you are going to struggle. Your addiction will find any cracks in your resolve and exploit it. And you will find yourself drinking.

Surrender. Accept you'll never drink again. Then you can quit fighting yourself about it.

awuh1

How come the very first thought after I say to myself “I’m not really an alcoholic” is “I think I’ll have a drink”? Funny how that happens.

12skip you are in the first months of sobriety. What you are going through is NORMAL. You have gotten through the detox. Now you may be faced with an emotional rollercoaster ride of sorts for awhile. Fortunately it’s not bad every day (rarely for more than a week) My brain, during that period, was twisting everything that I had ever done into it’s own delusion of past reality. I don’t want to go back there.

I’m glad they call it alcoholism and not alcoholwasm.

hypochondriac

Sorry to hear your struggling Skip.

I was having this back and forth myself recently. I found it helped to remember why I came here in the first place. When I read my first post I'm immediately transported to the feeling of desperation I had then.

I'm early days too, 6 or 7 weeks, and to me that's a huge deal! To any other normal drinker though it really isn't, loads of people don't drink for periods of time for various reasons and probably don't feel proud about it.

Also I've finally excepted, not necessarily that I can't moderate, but that I don't want to. I imagine myself having one drink and I really can't see the point... it's common that people post on here that they thought they could have 'just one drink' and it never works out that way, for a reason.

I've felt free by not comparing myself to other people too. There are lots of people who drank more than I did, but I have to remember what it did to me. It appears that no one has noticed the damage alcohol did to my life but I remember what I felt and that's what matters. I agree with Anna that life feels free without it

I hope you find peace with this Skip x

2granddaughters

It's amazing how many times John BarleyCorn has to kick the keerap out of us before we get the message. I'm told that the ISM in alcoholism stands for Incredibly Short Memory.

Hang in 12skip, this too shall pass.

Bob R

Dee74

Hey Skip

The insidious thing about alcoholism is we try so hard to convince ourselves we don't have it.

Don't you think you've already done that experiment like a thousand times or more, though?

I know I did.

Accepting my alcoholism was one of the hardest things I had to do, but when it came right down to it I relaised I could be who I wanted to be, and live the life I wanted to live, I could be all that I could be...or I could drink.

I couldn't do both. I'd proved that. It's an either/or deal for me and I reckon it is for you too, Skip?

D

OCDDan

Excellent advice on all the posts, it's hard to see someone waffling, ya just want to help them. Skip, if you don't think you have a problem, you'll probably find out for sure soon.

desertsong

That is so very well put. I also tried that "experiment" 1000 times or more, every single time thinking it would be different. If by some miracle I DID manage to stop at one or two, I would be incredibly anxious afterwards and could not stop obsessing about having more. It just wasn't worth it the agony anymore. It was either drink to oblivion or not drink at all. I drank to oblivion enough times to finally get to the point where I decided I preferred having none to having 1000.

Surrender brings acceptance. Acceptance brings willingness. And willingness makes sobriety possible. Once you stop fighting, it actually gets easier, not harder. You're finally 'done' and when you're done, you're free. That doesn't mean it will always be easy, but it's definitely easier than having those constant 'brain debates' about whether to drink, what to drink, should I drink, how much should I drink, can I drink just this once and then quit again tomorrow, etc. Once I decided I was done, I really was. No obsessing over it anymore. I don't drink. I will never drink. I'm done.

Praying you will get to that point soon, skip. I think you're close - very close. Let go. We'll be here to catch you.

hypochondriac

Thanks for this Desertsong I'm putting this in my little book of quotes x

hypochondriac

And this

CaiHong

The first step is so important to recovery. All the evidence is there, you have told us and yet you still think you are not alcoholic and still think you can drink again.

Addiction is amazing. I hope you come to the realization that you can't drink again before more damage is done. I so related to what you said about a move, a fresh start without taking the problem with you.

All the best
caiHong

Sapling

It's the only step you have to get 100% right.

12skiptomylue

Thanks, guys.

No, I really haven't tried that "experiment" before. Honestly. I've always drank however much I've wanted to drink, whenever I've wanted to drink it. This is my first time of stopping. And I've made it 35 days. So what does that say?

I think I have come to realize that the question doesn't really matter anymore at all. The true problem is not necessarily the drinking, it's the fact that I don't really like myself. And I like myself less when I'm drinking. I let go of all of my morals and values when I drink. What I need to do is find the ways that I can learn to cope with my life, that allow me to still feel good about myself.

I really am willing. At least as much as I know how to be right now. I really have been doing the work. And I am staying sober. I have just been going through wild emotions lately. I feel like a crazy person! But, at least I am finally facing things, instead of hiding them from myself by drinking.

Sapling

That's pretty normal skip.....For 35 days....It takes that dirty little four letter word. TIME...Things I Must Earn....My emotions were all over the map at one month...It get's better. Just take it a day at a time. Keep doing what you are doing and don't drink. Enjoy your life.

12skiptomylue

thank you, sapling!

Holly7

Skip. Once again. Your post has helped me. Tonight I was crying my little heart out to my husband because I wanted wine so bad. (just a couple of glasses) I wanted to go out, relax, maybe have a little dance..... After 46 days I totally deserve it!!!!!!!!! Luckily my husband took me out to a fancy dinner instead and now the thoughts have gone..... Who knows how long for. I keep forgetting this journey is a roller coaster. But like you, I'm still not ready to say that I'll never drink again. Funny thing is, my husband is fine with never drinking again..... Yeah. Confirms I have a problem (((

Scolova

I changed up Yoda's dialog a bit, but it means something to me as I deal with resentment, big time
"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the drink, drinking leads to suffering... wake up and repeat."
Last time I would have been able to take and pass the 'One drink a day' challenge was ... never. As soon as I found out how I felt when drunk, that's all I wanted from it, nothing less than total FUBAR. For me the fear of the unknown and change, anger\resentment at something or person or myself or whatever would put my addicted brain in the driver's seat, easily overpower the parts of my brain which knew better and would have to cope with the hell that the next day would bring. I've been working very hard to stop the thoughts of fear, anger or hate quickly, just as I have learned to do with my thoughts of drinking.

artsoul

You may not know it, but you're doing great skip....... ! Sometimes we can't really see the progress until weeks or months down the line.

I had the same thoughts/feelings early on. Getting sober is a process and it can feel like a bumpy ride at first. Being in an addiction really changes our thinking, so that the denial and obsessive thoughts don't just suddenly disappear after we get sober. Some days take a lot more mental work than others.

It gets better, so hang in there (and try being your own best friend, too - it helps!)