akberry

I am not sure how to deal with this. My husband of 22 years told me that he is gay. I've known that he is a cross dresser for a while. I just don't know how to process this. We have children, six of them. We have discussed this ~while drinking~we love each other and our children. We don't want to break up our family. How do we get through this?

akberry

Please, anyone. I just don't know how to process this.

Dee74

I really have no experience on this one akberry.

As far as your recovery goes, whatever support network you have - use it as necessary - drinking won't help solve anything or make anything different, but you know that.

In the wider circle of things, have you considered counselling - it may help for you and your husband to talk this out with an expert third party?

You may get some insights from our gay and lesbian community here too
GLBTQ in Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I hope you and your family can find some way to process this and find some peace

D

akberry

I am not an AA person. I have been working on my sobriety by myself. I am so worried about "us" and my sobriety. I am ready to go grab a beer and make it go away.

Zencat

Family counseling would be a good first start. Alto crossdressers are mostly heterosexual, being gay on top of that is I'm sure a extra wammie.

It can be that your husband is just as confused as you. Sorting out gender and sexual preferences is and still is a complex process, as I have the same issue . I can understand you are aside with yourself with all of this.

akberry

I want sooo much to get drunk and make all of this go away. I need to go to sleep now and tomorrow will be...

RyanRyan

I would seek counseling too. One thing I can tell you from experience is that my father was gay and told my mother after I was born. I was never allowed to see him or have a relationship with him. My mother never got over it and blamed him for everything wrong with me. Whatever you do keep him in your children's lives. If he is being honest with you that is to be commended even though painful. You can get through this.

Dee74

The thing is tho getting drunk doesn't make stuff like this go away - I used to find I could never forget things even when I got drunk - not the big stuff.

It'll all still be there tomorrow to and you'll still have to deal with it akberry....along with all the shame guilt and remorse you'll feel from staying over at day one again.

You're not alone in this - if you have noone to talk too in real life, akberry, rest assured you have a load of support here.

D

Gottalife

Though this must be a shock for you, I have learned there is nothing so bad that a drink won't make it worse. Which is about the best non spritual answer I can give you. I have had a few shocks and tragedies in my life but through AA I have developed a strong faith that what ever happens, it will be o.k. Drinking does not occur to me as an option, that problem no longer exists.

Terminally Unique

akberry,

I don't know that this will necessarily comfort you, but you would not be the first person to deal with this. There have been several books written on the subject. A woman by the name of Bonnie Kaye has written a couple, and she has a talk show on blog talk radio.

There is also an international straight spouse support network. If you Google "straight spouse network," you'll find their web site, which has a forum, a blog, recommended reading, FAQ's, and other things which may be of use to you.

Bruno1979

Hi akberry,

I'm sorry to hear of your problems,

Without knowing your background, surely your husband must be bisexual to have 6 children with you? I have know of gay men to have 1 child or 2/3 at a push in a short space of time, but 6 and to be married for 20+ yrs does seem pretty away from the norm, if there is a norm in this situation.

Was your husband drunk when he told you he was gay? The reason I ask is he may have just said this to try and hurt you in an argument situation. I honestly wouldn't know though.

I really hope that you can work out your problems and stay sober,

Bruno.

sugarbear1

Drinking won't make this go away. Drinking won't make it okay or do anything but give you a hangover. Focus on your recovery, try personal counseling and maybe counseling with your hubby. Try something other than drinking. You'll get through this. Stay stopped, hun.
Hugs,

gordano

is he asking for a divorce, or did he just say he was gay? I would also suspect as someone else had mentioned that he might be bi. I don't see how a completely 100 percent gay man could have 6 children, but then again I'm no expert. Please understand that alcohol will only make this situation worse.

Threshold

ak, ouch. And of course drinking won't make it go away, it will only make it impossible to deal with. There are many many people in your situation (I know some personally) so there IS a support network out there. Please follow up on the resources TU mentioned.

Couples counseling (find a therapist who has dealt with this) and eventually family therapy may be able to help.
I hope this next statement makes some sense to you. You HAVE been living with this situation for years, now it's been defined, but that does not mean that everything will fly apart. The love is there, the committment to keeping the family together is there. Of course it is very hard to deal with "knowing" and all the fear etc, but your husband did not suddenly become someone else. And it sounds as if he wants to go through this with you, not run off and leave you to deal with it all on your own.

akberry

TU, Thank you, I didn't know that there are books and a straight spouse network. I will start looking into these ideas. I thank you all, so very much for your ideas and listening. I know drinking won't change anything, just a temporary fix for such a big challenge. It's my easy out, it always has been. I live in a rural area with few counselors, I'm going to try to find one in the nearest city. Threshold, you are correct "You HAVE been living with this situation for years, now it's been defined". Twenty two years to be exact. Now I need to learn about it and how to deal with it instead of drinking it away. In the meantime we still have six kid-lets, five of them still school age, to raise and launch.

akberry

RR, I agree with you. I won't, I couldn't make my husband out to be the "bad" guy, the root of all our problems to our kids. They don't deserve that. I don't know that we are even going to say anything to them. I think we are still trying to frame how we are going to proceed. Oh, congrats on your 2 yr anniversary.

Bruno1979

Akberry,

Out of interest, are there really eskimos living in igloo's in alaska?

I wish you well,

Bruno

akberry

Ha ha, no, we live in houses. However, in the northern part of Ak sewer and water systems are above ground because of the permafrost. That's a sight, piping everywhere. In my part of Alaska, we don't have permafrost so plumbing can go underground. During the summer we have sunlight until 11:pm and through the night it looks like dusk. In the winter Nov-Feb we only get 5-6 hours of daylight. I live in a beautiful State.