ZeppelinFan

Hi everyone, Last time I posted I was weening off alcohol I was actually controling it pretty well I got down to a normal level & started to feel better. However, this past weekend I binged again I missed 3 days of work & kept drinking like a dummy. I'm on day 1 without drinking I'm at home & trying to relax, drink water, & eat. Even though I know my drinking leads to bad things the idea of never drinking again scares me! I feel like I don't know who I am without it in my life. It's all around me on tv, movies, advertisements, family, friends! I feel like I would have to become a totally different person. What do I need to do to deal with these feelings! I know a lot of people have the disease (if it is one) but I'm still so pissed that it's me & that it's not fair. I just want to be able to drink alcohol & not run into this problem! At least this day 1 is going somewhat okay. Ugh! Just looking for some support :-(

Sapling

I'd highly recommend that.

gordano

I'm in the same boat as you. The idea of never using a drug or drinking scares the crap outta me, but you have a choice - Death\Drugs or Life\Sober. I think being scared is better than being dead, no?

andisa

It is scary, no doubt, to stop using. You think you need it to be who you are. But really, it is keeping you apart from who you are! It's not that you would have to become a totally different person if you stopped using; on the contrary, you would reaquaint yourself with who you are. And I'm willing to bet, you'd like that person a whole lot more than the intoxicated version of yourself.

When I made the decision to quit it seemed infathomable that I ever could. I used every day and the number one thing I looked forward to in life were weekends when I could indulge myself to oblivion. Everything in my life was in some way connected to my drugs. So I hear you about it surrounding you. It will always be there, that is true. What can change everything for you is how you choose to perceive it. You do have control over how alcohol affects your life. It might not seem like you have control, but that is to be expected. It is part of being an active alcoholic. Until you take charge, you are controlled by your addiction.

Moderation is not going to do you any favors. It would be in your best interest to quit using altogether. So long as it's in your mind and in your body and in your life, you will be controlled by it.

The advice given to me when I first stopped was to take it day by day. Don't use today. Then the next day, don't use that day. Try it for a week. Try it for a month. My counselor suggested I give it 6 months. If at the end of 6 months I wanted to go back to using, that would be my choice. He suggested strongly I would not.

I won't lie to you. It is hard. I still think about using all these years later. I don't expect the desire will ever go away. But that's how I am. It is part of me. That I don't use is a choice I made and it truly is for the best.

Best to you as you proceed.

2granddaughters

AA has kept me sober "One Day at a Time" for nearly 23 yrs. Might just work for you...

All the best.

Bob R

hypochondriac

There's only one way to find out.

I thought drinking defined me, but I think really I overplayed that. It was an obsession which I had to work my life around and it was becoming increasingly more difficult to do. I'm not a different person without drink, I'm just a more functioning version of me

Hope you stick with it x

ZeppelinFan

Thank you everyone! It's nice to not feel so alone in this struggle. I have briefly tried AA and I couldn't get into it. I was hoping to basically use the support of this site to make it through. I really can't imagine at this point living sober but I know I have to grasp that idea. Drinking is getting in the way of so much in my life! I want to be happy & healthy! It is amazing to me how much alcohol can control someone. I know a lot of people feel it's a disease & some believe it's bad habit that formed. I would like to believe I can be cured of this one day. Maybe in the future I could have a glass of wine with a meal. Does anyone believe that you could get better & drink normally one day?

Sapling

Not a chance in he!! for me.

bayliss

ZepFan - have you looked into RR since AA isn't working out for you?

I do hear what you're saying though...I was afraid and couldn't imagine what life would be like without alcohol at first either...and then I just became an even heavier drinker...
Don't think about the future for right now...just today.
And we don't have to drink for today.

Leemzer

I second that. I've tried that a hundred times too many already.

That's like having 1 cigarette a day. I am sure someone out there can do it but how many people and, moreover, why?

Hevyn

Hi Zep. I wanted so badly to believe it could be controlled. I couldn't imagine my life without it - it had once been so much fun. I clung to it for years, trying to manage the amounts I drank. I almost lost my life trying to prove I could be a social drinker. There was never, ever just 'a glass' of wine for me.

As you found out - it's impossible to stick with controlled drinking if we're alcoholics. We may be able to use willpower for a short time, but before long we'll find ourselves out of control and doing things we never intended. I would be encouraged by those times I was able to avoid getting wasted - but sooner or later I'd crash & burn and find myself in a dangerous situation. If anyone had told me where my drinking career would take me - I'd have laughed. I was never going to drive drunk, drink at work, drink in the morning, hurt people, ruin my health - but I ended up doing just that.

You want to be happy and healthy, and you feel that alcohol is getting in the way of that. You are wise. Please be careful. We want to help you get through this and lead a better life.

ZeppelinFan

Hevyn, your post totally sounds like me I was controlling it & then it knocked me on my butt again. I'm going to have to really stay away for good which is hard for me to think about right now. I guess the longer I am sober the easier it will be to accept that.

Bayless, what is RR?

Thank you everyone for posting!

Jersey Nonny

Whether you choose to think of it as a disease or a bad habit, there is no denying it is a "drug" to which we become addicted. Honestly, I don't know what "normal drinking" is...and, after all my years of sobriety, I have no desire to experiment.

You say you "briefly" tried AA and couldn't get into it. Perhaps you didn't give AA a fair shot...try a variety of meetings...do the Ninety Meetings in Ninety Days. As they say in AA, "If you don't prefer being sober, we'll gladly refund your misery."

Zebra1275

I know a lot of people have the disease (if it is one) but I'm still so pissed that it's me & that it's not fair.

Life ain't fair.

I missed 3 days of work & kept drinking like a dummy.

The multi-day binges marked the begining of the end for me.

What do I need to do to deal with these feelings!

I don't know. For me, I got tired of being sick and tired. I got tired of having my life controlled by alcohol. I finally got desperate enough to go to AA. That worked for me.

I feel like I would have to become a totally different person.

Not totally, but you gotta change some stuff. In AA the Big Book talks about a spirtual awakening. Now I didn't know what that was, I thought it meant I would get zapped by a lightening bolt and suddenly have an "aha" moment. That's not it at all. There is an appendix in the BB which talks about a "spiritual awakening" which is 1930's language for changing your behavior and attitudes. That I understand, and can change.

And Is becomming a different person such a bad thing? I mean, you just had a big blowout and missed 3 days of work. At some point your job might be in jeopardy.

Dee74

My drinking defined me for twenty years - it was very frightening to consider a new life with out - but I had to because it was killing me.

What I found was that, yes I had to make a lot of changes - some of them pretty sweeping - but I don;t feel as if I lost out.

I have a great new sober life, I'm actually happy for the first time in my adult life - and I've rediscovered a me I'd forgotten about - a me before the booze and drugs hit - the real me.

I hope you give it a go too Zep.

and...if you're a drinker like me, you crossed the line a long time ago...the door from normal to alcoholic drinking is only one way in my experience ...

but again, if you still with recovery, you'll come to see that's not a loss - it's getting that ball and chain off your leg....it's a new door opening into some pretty awesome stuff

D

eJoshua

Zep --

Even though the thought of "becoming a totally different person" is intimidating and overwhelming, it's actually a big blessing in disguise. You can forget the past and begin with a new slate and create a life for yourself that you can be content with. I'm at 1 year sober now, but I feel like the old me that was defined by alcohol is fading away and the new me is emerging -- a version of me that is defined by MY personality, talents and passions. You have nowhere to go but up.

Best wishes,

Terminally Unique

Quitting something you love tentatively, to see how it goes, is easier in the short run, but more difficult in the long run, because as long as you believe that you may go back to it, you'll keep thinking about it. You've had your obligatory 'relapse' to test the waters, and you now know what happens. There is no future in addiction, ZeppelinFan, but there is a future after addiction.

RR is Rational Recovery. They teach an aggressive method of permanent self-recovery called Addictive Voice Recognition Technique (AVRT). It can be learned from reading alone, and does not require meetings. If you are interested, send me a private message, and I will forward you some free materials on it. You can also check out the AVRT discussion threads in the secular connections forum.

ZeppelinFan

Thank you to everyone! Day two starts & I'm going to work I'm kind of scared I won't be able to function that well but I'm giving it my best! I couldn't sleep last night my anxiety was killing me. I am already diagnosed with an anxiety disorder & withdrawal on top of that is horrible! All I could think about was all the bad things that have come out of my drinking & I'm also a hypochondriac so I fear the worst is to come in the future! I'm looking forward to the weekend to relax & hopefully start feeling a bit normal & sober! Any advice on not letting your past drinking demons get in the way of recovery? Or to relieve the anxiety? I took a Xanax at 5am when I was really loosing it calmed me down a bit now it's almost 8am and my mind is racing again with fear & anxiety. I think I'm anxious about going back to work as well. Ugh can't wait to feel normal again...

aeo1313

I am scared too. If I quit using and drinking then I have to be me 24 hours a day. When I use or drink I get to take a vacation from myself and mylife...at least in my own head. In reality my husband and kids have lost their wife/mom for an evening.

gordano

"Maybe in the future I could have a glass of wine with a meal. Does anyone believe that you could get better & drink normally one day?"

This will work for a short while. But then your addictive brain will rationalize that since one drink is working out just fine and you are in control, two drinks should be fine. Then three, then four then you are back to being controlled by alcohol. DON'T DO IT!