Newatthis34

tzivia,
I think the loss of my mum is kind of a make or break thing, well for me. I've always had a fear of death but was so narcissistic it was always my own I dreaded. Then this happened and in a way I have been having an existential crisis about life, death, what's it all about etc etc. What I've realised is that drinking my life away is definitely NOT what it's all about. Anyone get what I'm saying?

PS This forum is giving me (unexpectedly) enormous support. So glad I began posting!

IndaMiricale

Itchy so nice to see you post its been a wee bit.

I am glad you took Sampling advice. Whatever it takes your here. xoxo

Sapling

I don't think you are going to find many people here that don't get that. I wish I got it sooner....But I'm a slow learner...And I paid for that.

DarkDays

I wasted an extra 10 years drinking when I knew I had a problem with it, my thoughts are always about my wasted 32 years drinking , I could have done so much more if I could go back in time. You are in a great position , you know you have a problem , you are young and most importantly you can put an end to the obsession and alcohell madness right now. Do it.

Newatthis34

Good morning to everyone.

I am now on Day 8 and feeling really great. The past week has been a mish-mash of different feelings and insights. This time last week I finally admitted I have a problem with alcohol and began posting on here. But even now that I've acknowledged that, still I hear that voice suggesting to me that I could control my drinking if only x,y, or z happened. So strange really when you think about it, how could I even entertain such thoughts when I clearly recognise that I am unable to be a 'normal' drinker? Is this a self-destructive urge or what? Do I hate myself or something that I would allow these ideas to bubble away? I'm scared though that eventually they will win...

I love the advice and the support all the people on here offer each other. I've read things that I could have written myself, so exact were the experiences and emotions described. One thing that I've taken on board in a big way is the notion that sobriety is something I will have to work on. It is not just an automatic effect of not drinking and therefore somehow passive. I must keep it active by constantly acknowledging what I am doing and the reasons I am doing it. It's very early in my recovery but already I am starting to feel like a newer me. I can't say the 'real' me because in all honesty I don't know who the real adult me is I've spent most of my adulthood drinking. But after a terrible year I'm beginning to feel hopeful and liking life. Thanks for all your support.

foodie1

Reading that last post just totally made my day, so happy for you to have found this gift, keep it up, it just gets better and better!

Newatthis34

Listening to Amy Winehouse at the moment, typifies how much addiction subsumes even the most talented people with so much to give the world. Very sad here. RIP Amy xx

Newatthis34

Hello to all,

I am mid-way through my second weekend of sobriety and am feeling very emotional. The past 13 days without alcohol have been instructive. I cannot understand how I have done this to myself for so long. For the first time in my life I have had to express my emotions, be they positive or negative, in a context that doesn't involve getting drunk. I've read other people's comments on here saying that it's like a veil has been lifted, I can relate to this.

I was out for a run early the other morning when a wave of grief rose up. I stopped and wailed, a primal cry of devastation. I miss my mother so much but I know I just cannot avoid or opt out of feeling that grief by getting p*ssed. This is progress I know. Life is changed so much for me, I guess I am becoming a different person too.

Thanks.

Danica2011

Newatthis, I'm new too. I came in here a couple of times last fall with the resolve that I would stop drinking. Didn't stick. Then two weeks ago today, I had my last drink and woke up the next morning with something I can only describe as a 'click' moment. I knew that something had to be done. I got up and got dressed and drove myself to an AA meeting. I cried through the whole thing, but knew that I had to stop drinking because I didn't like how I was feeling. The shame of getting plastered 4 times in one week for years had finally taken it's toll. My dear father died last september after a 3 year battle. He had been a weekend drinker and I had watched people getting drunk my whole life. I can finally say that I don't want to continue down that path. Blackouts are really NOT fun. I'm 44. So it took me 25 years to figure this out. Sometimes I get the euphoric memories of the fun I had but I have to bring myself back to reality and think of some of the terrible things that happened while I was under the influence as well. It's the bad things that will help me to never pick up that first drink again. I wish you all the best in your recovery and I hope you keep coming in here to talk and read and listen to the wisdom of all these great people. Danica

Newatthis34

Thanks Danica,

You quit the day before I did then. I too get butterflies if I think about drinking again. I mean, after all is said and done it's a choice - either drink, or do not. I have this perverse urge to get drunk to prove to someone (don't ask me who) I can do what I want. I'm working on getting used to the idea that there is nobody I am doing this for except ME, I'm the person who gets hurt if I drink. The mind is a strange thing. I wish you the best too in your sobriety, be strong and we'll watch out for each other on here!

Sapling

I see this and hear about it a lot. I didn't cry but I had an incredible feeling of hope my first meeting. Something I didn't have any of. I really think that those are tears of joy...Just coming to the realization you don't have to fight this alone anymore....That you don't even have to fight it at all...I wish you both the best...And long happy sober lives.

Wayne444

I am newly sober and know the feeling Newatthis, "how could I have done this to myself for so long." For a long while for me, it has kind of been like trying to wake out of a dream that I was vaguely aware was growing more sinister, but was not putting the effort into it that I needed to wake up. It has been a "new" me too, as you say. Some of the new me I'm still figuring out as it sounds like you are. Most parts I like and some I still am thinking about. But as I read the cautionary stories in SR, I am reminded that I am happy to be out of that scary haze. Some days are anxiety-filled but at least I'm out of that hazy muck and expect things to get even better.

Best to you!

RyanRyan

Welcome newatthis....yeah prolonging the situation won't make it any easier in the future. I've known for years I should stop but never did. Good luck to you.