strange days indeed
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 34
strange days indeed
My drug abuse started around 2001, since 2003 and until recently I was a regular cocaine/crack user and abuser. Like most people I started out with powder and moved on to smoking crack. I lost my job two years after first starting to smoke...
I got another job 6 months later and was a "functional" addict from then on untl I quit in Dec 2011. I've walked away and come back to it many times for many different reasons but this is the longest I've ever been sober. I can honestly say that this time feels different but even writing it sounds like a cliche. When I say I quit it was just that, I just made a decision and did it...I've been walking this road alone ever since.
Since then my recovery consists of many emotions, some conflicting. I am happy to be off the drugs, don't get me wrong but at the same time I am confused. Why now? Why just now after 10 yrs of use that I am done with it? It's like a switch has been flicked. The desire is just...gone. I truly feel like I am starting over but at the same time I feel like I have nothing, The drug was the one thing I thought would never abandon me, and I certainly never thought my desire for it would wane. Now that its gone I feel like I have nothing, not even a desire to do it again. It's just...strange. It's like I have everything and nothing...if that makes any sense.
I got another job 6 months later and was a "functional" addict from then on untl I quit in Dec 2011. I've walked away and come back to it many times for many different reasons but this is the longest I've ever been sober. I can honestly say that this time feels different but even writing it sounds like a cliche. When I say I quit it was just that, I just made a decision and did it...I've been walking this road alone ever since.
Since then my recovery consists of many emotions, some conflicting. I am happy to be off the drugs, don't get me wrong but at the same time I am confused. Why now? Why just now after 10 yrs of use that I am done with it? It's like a switch has been flicked. The desire is just...gone. I truly feel like I am starting over but at the same time I feel like I have nothing, The drug was the one thing I thought would never abandon me, and I certainly never thought my desire for it would wane. Now that its gone I feel like I have nothing, not even a desire to do it again. It's just...strange. It's like I have everything and nothing...if that makes any sense.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 34
Thanks guys, and candie, you're right "it just clicked" is a good way to put it. I struggled before and now its just not happening.
stillsleeping, its weird, talking about bracing for cravings and that's just not it exactly, I've thought about using, scoring or going through the motions in my head of things that used to set me into crave mode and its just gone. I am baffled how something that used to hold me so completely doesn't.
I feel strangely torn, one one side of the coin I can't believe that this drug that used to have such control over me doesn't now. I am grateful that is has happened, I guess there is a part of me that is like...well, damn, why not 5 years ago, dumbass :p
stillsleeping, its weird, talking about bracing for cravings and that's just not it exactly, I've thought about using, scoring or going through the motions in my head of things that used to set me into crave mode and its just gone. I am baffled how something that used to hold me so completely doesn't.
I feel strangely torn, one one side of the coin I can't believe that this drug that used to have such control over me doesn't now. I am grateful that is has happened, I guess there is a part of me that is like...well, damn, why not 5 years ago, dumbass :p
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Deep, I liken it to any intense relationship in our lives. Even after it stops "working" we tend to stay in it, hoping it can be the way it once was, or because we just don't know any other way. Our lives would seem empty without it.
We break up, we go back, we try again, we break up and one day we are finally ready to admit that going back isn't the answer...and we get where you are "now what?"
Something I am experiencing in recovery is just how much the question "now what?" sends me into a panic. Instead of letting life take it's course, I feel the need to fill the hole and force the issue. That hasn't been working so well for me. "rebound" relationships so often don't work out well, even when that relationship that ended was with a drug.
I've had some very telling experiences the past couple of weeks. Experiences that reinforce the idea that it's ok to be me, being where I am, feeling what I feel, and I don't have to figure it all out, do it all, fix it all, know it all...today.
Is there life after drugs? People assure me there is, but lately, I've been unwilling to let it unfold. I've been tearing the flower bud open, hoping to see the beautiful flower sooner, and in my efforts messing everything up.
I suspect the answer to "now what?" is to live, and that's something I don't have much practice in.
We break up, we go back, we try again, we break up and one day we are finally ready to admit that going back isn't the answer...and we get where you are "now what?"
Something I am experiencing in recovery is just how much the question "now what?" sends me into a panic. Instead of letting life take it's course, I feel the need to fill the hole and force the issue. That hasn't been working so well for me. "rebound" relationships so often don't work out well, even when that relationship that ended was with a drug.
I've had some very telling experiences the past couple of weeks. Experiences that reinforce the idea that it's ok to be me, being where I am, feeling what I feel, and I don't have to figure it all out, do it all, fix it all, know it all...today.
Is there life after drugs? People assure me there is, but lately, I've been unwilling to let it unfold. I've been tearing the flower bud open, hoping to see the beautiful flower sooner, and in my efforts messing everything up.
I suspect the answer to "now what?" is to live, and that's something I don't have much practice in.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Have you thought about checking out an NA meeting?....Meet some recovered addicts...I use AA for alcohol....But have some good friends in NA. It's nice being around people with the same goal...It's a "we" thing.
Random Guy
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: America
Posts: 2,034
Deepnblue,
I understand the now what thoughts, I have never done cocaine but for a few years there the only thing I knew how to do was drink beer for fun. Nothing I did that I considered fun was without beer. Now that I have taken that option off the table it feels like I am sitting at an empty table, staring at it thinking well what am I going to do now? I still don't have the answer to that. Right now I am just coasting through life as best as I can, I am not really enjoying it but I figure that I built this life from the vantage point of a drinker, and now sober it isn't the type of life I want. What I mean by that is that everything I have done up to this point has been in support of my drinking, I didn't have close relationships friendly or otherwise because they would interupt with drinking, I don't go out and experience things except bars because there isn't any drinking. I built a life centered around drinking and now that I am sober I find it boring, uneventful, and isolating. I am going to have to build a new life and don't realy know how. First I need to get the tools, and learn some skills that I should have learned years ago but didn't. That is where I am starting, I am hoping that through a little effort and learning some new skills (mainly social) I will be able to build a life that I might actually enjoy without alcohol. having said that, I still know that it is going to take a while.
I understand the now what thoughts, I have never done cocaine but for a few years there the only thing I knew how to do was drink beer for fun. Nothing I did that I considered fun was without beer. Now that I have taken that option off the table it feels like I am sitting at an empty table, staring at it thinking well what am I going to do now? I still don't have the answer to that. Right now I am just coasting through life as best as I can, I am not really enjoying it but I figure that I built this life from the vantage point of a drinker, and now sober it isn't the type of life I want. What I mean by that is that everything I have done up to this point has been in support of my drinking, I didn't have close relationships friendly or otherwise because they would interupt with drinking, I don't go out and experience things except bars because there isn't any drinking. I built a life centered around drinking and now that I am sober I find it boring, uneventful, and isolating. I am going to have to build a new life and don't realy know how. First I need to get the tools, and learn some skills that I should have learned years ago but didn't. That is where I am starting, I am hoping that through a little effort and learning some new skills (mainly social) I will be able to build a life that I might actually enjoy without alcohol. having said that, I still know that it is going to take a while.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 34
Sapling, I have looked into NA, but the philosophy has never spoken to me if that makes sense. While its nice to commiserate online the group type sessions have not been helpful for me in the past.
InsertNameHere, the empty table is a good metaphor, the ironic thing is that I realize life is good right now but its taking getting used to. For one, I have so many choices whereas before, with the crack I was limited to just a few. Having lots of choices is both a blessing and a curse. Also, some of my current choices are on the mundane everyday life side of things, I think when I was using I was on this edge all the time which left me a bit raw...its that whole excitement/exhilaration of being on the edge, being at that place that is simultaneously beautiful and deadly.
I know that everyone's experience with addiction is different, I feel that in reading other's stories and of course the whole feeling of terminal uniqueness creeps in, its hard not to. I do appreciate everyone's feedback on this though, its a perspective I would have never gained.
InsertNameHere, the empty table is a good metaphor, the ironic thing is that I realize life is good right now but its taking getting used to. For one, I have so many choices whereas before, with the crack I was limited to just a few. Having lots of choices is both a blessing and a curse. Also, some of my current choices are on the mundane everyday life side of things, I think when I was using I was on this edge all the time which left me a bit raw...its that whole excitement/exhilaration of being on the edge, being at that place that is simultaneously beautiful and deadly.
I know that everyone's experience with addiction is different, I feel that in reading other's stories and of course the whole feeling of terminal uniqueness creeps in, its hard not to. I do appreciate everyone's feedback on this though, its a perspective I would have never gained.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 75
I agree the empty table is a very good way of describing a new found life of sobriety....that's how I feel in a way....
...but isn't that a great feeling? Before I had a full table...problem was it was full of DIRTY DISHES....(see where I'm going with this one?), crumbs everywhere, the tablecloth was stained....it used to give me a headache just thinking about it..also, the people sitting at my table were always drunk, like me...things had to change..
But my new table is now CLEAR.
I'm just at the point of laying down the new tablecloth after my first month, nice, clean and ironed; a foundation for my new pleasures which I want to place.
Maybe next month, the money I will have saved from booze will let me buy some crystal glasses..then maybe some proper cutlery, plates, more exercise will get me a nice table decoration, learning a new hobby (like I'm doing now - playing the keyboard) well when I can play a Beethoven piece that will be the food...
It may take time, but in the not too distant future I'm sure my table will be surrounded by sober, interesting, good friends - (maybe the odd pisshead for entertainment lol) with ABUNDANCE of good things. It will take time and effort but bit by bit I know it will take shape.
Now, where's that new tablecloth...
...but isn't that a great feeling? Before I had a full table...problem was it was full of DIRTY DISHES....(see where I'm going with this one?), crumbs everywhere, the tablecloth was stained....it used to give me a headache just thinking about it..also, the people sitting at my table were always drunk, like me...things had to change..
But my new table is now CLEAR.
I'm just at the point of laying down the new tablecloth after my first month, nice, clean and ironed; a foundation for my new pleasures which I want to place.
Maybe next month, the money I will have saved from booze will let me buy some crystal glasses..then maybe some proper cutlery, plates, more exercise will get me a nice table decoration, learning a new hobby (like I'm doing now - playing the keyboard) well when I can play a Beethoven piece that will be the food...
It may take time, but in the not too distant future I'm sure my table will be surrounded by sober, interesting, good friends - (maybe the odd pisshead for entertainment lol) with ABUNDANCE of good things. It will take time and effort but bit by bit I know it will take shape.
Now, where's that new tablecloth...
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