bayliss

I don't get it.
Why do I keep going back to it? I know I have to do something different. I realize this. And I will. Because I really want to beat this thing. But why do I think about it all the time. The thoughts are all consuming...
I feel like I "can't" quit. That life will suck. That it will be miserable. I mean, when I was sober it really wasn't bad...and I felt fine...so what?

I guess it is sort of a rhetorical question.
I know that it is my addictive voice.
I should have read more into avrt...now my relationship is hanging on by a thread and my sanity along with it.

What's worse is that that stupid voice is saying that "hey, if you lose your boyfriend, keep on drinkin!".
Stupidest thing ever.

I know I keep posting. Keep trying. At least I am trying, right? I just feel like I am wasting space on this forum.
I am so sad.

Dee74

Everyone has that fear that they'll lose something by being sober, that life will somehow be less...there's hundreds of people here that will tell you thats hokum bayliss.

Trust us

Early recovery is tough - but you can stay sober - if you think AVRT is the thing, then work it... with everything you have

D

bayliss

Thanks Dee.

I know that it's bs. I do.
I hate how I play back and forth with all these emotions....

I will begin working AVRT...24/7. Detox again...without surfing the net and reading about withdrawals...because I know I can do it. I have done it before. I just don't know what is holding me back. Besides myself.

bayliss

To be quite frank though...I know that some people may feel that I am a "lost cause"...because I have been here for quite some time. Going back and forth...some people may think that I am not trying my hardest. I am.
Different people. Different circumstances.
Mine aren't too promising...and no, I can't change some of them. So I have to work with what I got.

So...sorry to all those that I have disappointed. I really am trying.

Taking5

No one is a lost cause unless you are dead. I have relapsed countless times. It got better - but not perfect - when I started a program of recovery. I took my sobriety more seriously then.

Although I am an AA guy, I don't care how you stay sober, I support your sobriety however you get there.

ReadyAndAble

If you're going to work AVRT, you need to start by really digging in and understanding it. It's not enough to realize that's the voice of addiction talking. That's part of it, but only part of it.

You're not disappointing anyone more than you're disappointing yourself. You can do this. It's going to take complete commitment, but you absolutely can do it. Anyone can. There's no such thing as a lost cause, or even unpromising circumstances—that's a perfect example of your addiction talking.

I'll send you a PM with some info, Bayliss.

Dee74

I had 15 years of struggle before I got here to SR bayliss - noone is ever a lost cause to me

D

Scolova

Agreed, whatever it takes.. Sobriety just clicked with me last year, the thought of life without alcohol became completely do-able and a must.

Can you pinpoint a 'trigger' that might have cause this relapse? or was it just out of the blue? ... Staying in control over my addicted brain has been the key, very tough for a while, but stopping the urges has gotten much easier for me.

sugarbear1

Bayliss, you aren't a lost cause. You are a brave soul!

I was in and out of AA for 25 years, all the while not able to "get it." My life got progressively worse and I kept drinking. I was a member of Sober Recovery for at least 6 years, but only read things and never posted (I was a bit out of it when I got here and didn't realize or bother how to post, but I also wasn't even ready to quit). When I returned to SR, sober, I couldn't remember my original alias, so I started a new one.

Only when my life got to a point where the alcohol just wasn't doing what it once did for me is when I decided to get serious about sobriety. My life was a complete disaster at the end of my drinking. At the age of 50, I now have 11 months of sobriety. I'll be 51 next week.

Keep posting, keep sticking around. We need you here!

Anna

Bayliss, you aren't a lost cause.

I do think you need to stop worrying about what everyone thinks, stop worrying about handling the withdrawls, and just do it. Take action.

Hevyn

Definitely not a lost cause - stop it. Just try again Bayliss. I drank for months after I joined here - I had to be deep-down ready to do it. Eventually I got the courage to let go of it forever. Now I have 4+ years.

We have not given up on you. We're stubborn like that.

Zencat

You still return to working for a alcohol free life after a relapse. That is not the doings of a lost cause. You will succeed.

Terminally Unique

Your body has adapted to the alcohol, and views it as necessary for life, like Oxygen. When it doesn't get alcohol, it feels like it is dying, and goes into a panic, same as it would if it were drowning. Your body is confused, though, and it doesn't realize that it won't actually die without alcohol.

When your body goes into this panic mode, it isn't able to get the alcohol on its own, and has to get you to do it. So, it will show you pictures in your mind's eye about drinking, or the liquor store, and comes up with reasons to drink. This is the Addictive Voice of AVRT. If you were broke and starving, your body might show you a picture of a juicy burger or the supermarket instead, and come up with reasons why you need to steal money.

In AVRT, this is the recoil phenomenon, and all addicted people experience it when they contemplate quitting. Remember, your body thinks it will die without alcohol, so when you think about quitting, it really gets scared. It knows perfectly well that you can quit -- it would not get scared, otherwise.

So, it attacks, by using the AV to show you pictures of a boring, hollow, meaningless existence in order to keep you from doing what you are capable of doing. This is also an illusion, bayliss. Billions of people live without drinking, including many who were in your shoes and quit. You once did as well. Do you still remember those days?

Your addiction is undeterred by pain or loss, and it doesn't care about you or your boyfriend. It will, however, turn loss into a reason to drink. It's good that you are realizing how stupid it is.

When, Bayliss? Passivity and procrastination is a lifeline for your addiction. Your addictive voice will say anything to get you to postpone quitting, sending you on every conceivable wild goose chase, as long as it doesn't involve quitting. AVRT, of course, involves quitting, so it doesn't want you reading that stuff. I sent you the AVRT links months ago, for example, and I bet that little voice said "this sounds interesting, maybe you should read it... later."

That's the nature of this thing.

If you are going to use AVRT, this is what I recommend. Make a temporary plan -- "I will not drink for two weeks, during which time I will read the Rational Recovery book and the entire AVRT thread on Sober Recovery."

It should take you about three days to detox. Once you have a full day neither drunk nor hungover, start reading the book in a room, all by yourself, without distractions like the Internet, the boyfriend, or the television. You need to be aware of your thoughts as you read. Your AV will be coloring your thoughts the entire time, possibly chiming in and telling you to stop reading, but keep going anyway.

Then, read through the AVRT thread from the beginning, as it will clarify some things that you might miss initially. By that time, you should be getting a good picture of how this thing operates. If you don't waste time, you'll still have days to spare in the two weeks. If you have any questions, feel free to post them on the thread. When the two weeks are up, you'll have a choice to make about whether you want to keep living like this or not.

Mark75

Not everything you posted, TU, resonates with me, I know, big surprise, LOLOL.... but I see some very useful tools in your post, well thought out and your excellent post should help anyone seeking sobriety.

oakwood

For the first time in a very long time, I had 2 days sober under my belt this morning when I woke up. I was so proud of myself and felt exceptionally good - finally, no hangover! But, @#%^, right after work I did what I have done for so many days, stopped by one store and bought a large beer and drank it on the way home. Just before I got home, I stopped at a different store and bought a bottle of wine. Well, yes, I drank it all.

I don't have answers for you. I do have empathy, though. It's vicious.

stepping

Bay - YOU ARE NOT A LOST CAUSE!!!! GIRL HAVE YOU READ ALL OF MY POST HERE!?!??! I totally thought nothing would save me. But each time I tried I kept getting more and more sober time. And you dont even know what I went through before I got here! I had even just surrendered to the thought that "this poison is gonna kill me" Then I got my butt up and said NO I OWN THIS IT DOESNT OWN ME..and I fought with all I have ..been doing that for 6 months with countless relapses..but you learn from them... each time I relapsed it got worse and worse. Then I just threw up the white flag. IF YOU WANT IT BAD BAY YOU CAN DO IT!! Look around you at SR these ppl did it. Like Dee said hundreds!! You have this you have done it before. Make the decision I will not drink, period. And just follow that. If you choose to use AVRT throw your whole being into that AND NOTHING ELSE!!!!! Hang in there Bay. I got faith in you and it's time you get some in yourself. You can do this hun!

2granddaughters

Wishing you the best.

Bob R

desertsong

Bayliss, no one is a lost cause until they die from this disease. As long as there is breathe in your body, the hope of getting sober will stay alive. You want it ... we know you do. Now you have to take action. Wanting it obviously isn't enough, as you've already figured out a few times before. You have to be both active and proactive in your recovery. Make a plan and put it to work. Break it down into manageable increments. Every small victory will encourage you to keep moving forward. You haven't been here even a year yet ... it took some of us much longer than that to finally find our way to sobriety. I myself relapsed 4 times in just one year. If you look at my "join date" here at SR, you'll see I've been here awhile but I've only been truly sober for the last 42 days. I'd get a month, 3 months or more under my belt and then do the same thing you did. Why? Because I had no plan. Get one. Do it today.

emmanuel2012

I struggled for years, about 15 years since I knew I had a problem, never able to string more than a year of sobriety, knowing very well that sobriety is the best path for me, and ignoring that voice of reason, over and over - if you keep making mistakes, as i have, its useful to remember that good judgment will eventually come. If it takes 1000 times to learn the same thing, and you finally learn it, there will always be hope, even if you forget it again! (I did) - some of us have to lose a considerable amount of good things, successively more and more serious. it gets loud enough until we have no more options to ignore the lesson.. No soul is ever lost

Amy2011

Just don't drink for today. I think everyone is uncomfortable in early recovery. Just because you stop drinking doesn't mean life becomes easy. Things happen in life sober or drunk. I was so miserable and uncomfortable in my own skin in early recovery. It takes times to learn how to live sober. I had to keep reminding myself that drinking would not make me feel better, but worse. I abused my body and mind for many years and I had to give myself time to heal. I wanted to be sober for than I wanted to drink. Really commit to a recovery program and follow through on that commitment. Recovery works when you put in the work. Good luck.