Relapsed on Monday Night
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2
Relapsed on Monday Night
I have relapsed this past Monday night through Tuesday. I am here because I want to hold myself accountable and learn from my mistakes. I hope that my story can help someone. Sorry, its a bit long...
It happened. I feel awful. But now I'm just going to pick myself back up off the ground and start fresh. I have had a major loss in my life, last month I lost my best friend of over ten years. The pain is unbearable. I have made it 13 months I kept telling myself, 13 months and you are about to throw it all away. The voices in my head would not shut up. I had been given a prescription for xanax on Monday from my doctor. I had been prescribed 12. Well I took two right when I picked the prescription up on Monday and then I can't remember the rest of the night, just bits and pieces. I remember making random phone calls to people I haven't talked to in forever. I remember looking at my xanax prescription and the bottle was empty. I was shocked. I ate the entire bottle and had no recollection of doing so. Major problem. Then I decided why not have a beer? I'm already messed up. BIG MISTAKE. I ended up going to the liquor store and grabbing a large corona. I chugged it when I got home. I passed out. Woke up feeling really really ashamed and pissed off at myself for drinking. And my addict mind said "F-it!" you already used last night might as well have another couple beers." Mind you it was 10:00 in the morning. I never thought I would stoop as low as I did this Tuesday. I ended up walking down the street with a beer in my hand, the xanax still strong in my system, I remember smoking crack in the back of a gas station in the worst part of town. I have NEVER in my life touched crack, I refused to. But this Tuesday I just lost it and said "F-it!" I feel really bad about this. I ended up getting sexual with some guy that I would never have if I was sober. It was dreadful and I'm so sick to my stomach thinking about all the events that took place. I feel like maybe I needed to have a really bad bottom to start fresh and to get honest with myself. I can't do this alone. I need help. And I know beating up on myself doesn't help but that's all I have ever done after a night of using. I'm trying to pick up all the pieces and start fresh. Its hard. Being honest is hard but there it is. I have just been honest with you all. Thanks for reading.
It happened. I feel awful. But now I'm just going to pick myself back up off the ground and start fresh. I have had a major loss in my life, last month I lost my best friend of over ten years. The pain is unbearable. I have made it 13 months I kept telling myself, 13 months and you are about to throw it all away. The voices in my head would not shut up. I had been given a prescription for xanax on Monday from my doctor. I had been prescribed 12. Well I took two right when I picked the prescription up on Monday and then I can't remember the rest of the night, just bits and pieces. I remember making random phone calls to people I haven't talked to in forever. I remember looking at my xanax prescription and the bottle was empty. I was shocked. I ate the entire bottle and had no recollection of doing so. Major problem. Then I decided why not have a beer? I'm already messed up. BIG MISTAKE. I ended up going to the liquor store and grabbing a large corona. I chugged it when I got home. I passed out. Woke up feeling really really ashamed and pissed off at myself for drinking. And my addict mind said "F-it!" you already used last night might as well have another couple beers." Mind you it was 10:00 in the morning. I never thought I would stoop as low as I did this Tuesday. I ended up walking down the street with a beer in my hand, the xanax still strong in my system, I remember smoking crack in the back of a gas station in the worst part of town. I have NEVER in my life touched crack, I refused to. But this Tuesday I just lost it and said "F-it!" I feel really bad about this. I ended up getting sexual with some guy that I would never have if I was sober. It was dreadful and I'm so sick to my stomach thinking about all the events that took place. I feel like maybe I needed to have a really bad bottom to start fresh and to get honest with myself. I can't do this alone. I need help. And I know beating up on myself doesn't help but that's all I have ever done after a night of using. I'm trying to pick up all the pieces and start fresh. Its hard. Being honest is hard but there it is. I have just been honest with you all. Thanks for reading.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
Hi chickensarecute 
I remember times like that when events snowball and one beer turns into a week of stuff I never want to remember, but I can't ever forget.
I'm sorry for your pain and the loss of your friend but I think there's healthier ways to deal with it - I know you'll find a ton of support here - you're not alone
Welcome
D
I remember times like that when events snowball and one beer turns into a week of stuff I never want to remember, but I can't ever forget.
I'm sorry for your pain and the loss of your friend but I think there's healthier ways to deal with it - I know you'll find a ton of support here - you're not alone
Welcome
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
Benzos create that special feeling most alcoholics crave, and that is pure apathy.
I know several people in AA who have been prescribed a benzo and were soon actively drinking or drugging with hours.
Wicked ****.
Perhaps you should go and be honest withe doctor that prescribed it to you. I just scanned your post, buy why in the hell would you take a prescription of Xanax in the first place?
I know several people in AA who have been prescribed a benzo and were soon actively drinking or drugging with hours.
Wicked ****.
Perhaps you should go and be honest withe doctor that prescribed it to you. I just scanned your post, buy why in the hell would you take a prescription of Xanax in the first place?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
OK...so I suspect the Xanax script was because of your loss. So sorry for your pain. I do want you to know that I know a woman in AA who had serious sober time, was prescribed Klonopin, and within hours was trashed, smoking meth with three guys and having sex with them, this while her husband and kids were asleep in the hotel room where they were all on vacation... and she had never smoked meth in her life.
Benzos plus addict equal relapse...and the things I am most ashamed of happened on Xanax and booze.
Purely simply positively wicked ****.
Again, so sorry for your loss. I see this is your first post. Do you have a support system? A program? AA? NA? AVRT?
Benzos plus addict equal relapse...and the things I am most ashamed of happened on Xanax and booze.
Purely simply positively wicked ****.
Again, so sorry for your loss. I see this is your first post. Do you have a support system? A program? AA? NA? AVRT?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 379
Hi there
I am so sorry for your loss.
Today is a new day. Please don't berate yourself for what happened - you cannot change it but you can learn from it.
I think most of us have done things drunk we would never dream of doing sober - and it takes a while for those awful memories to subside somewhat.
You are not a bad person - you are a person that is in a lot of pain.
Free yourself now and look forward. You did 13 months - an incredible achievement. Start today fresh. Be kind to yourself.
I get from your post the self-loathing and have been there. Please don't feel like you will always feel this low. It will pass.
Sunn xxx
I am so sorry for your loss.
Today is a new day. Please don't berate yourself for what happened - you cannot change it but you can learn from it.
I think most of us have done things drunk we would never dream of doing sober - and it takes a while for those awful memories to subside somewhat.
You are not a bad person - you are a person that is in a lot of pain.
Free yourself now and look forward. You did 13 months - an incredible achievement. Start today fresh. Be kind to yourself.
I get from your post the self-loathing and have been there. Please don't feel like you will always feel this low. It will pass.
Sunn xxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Hello chickens:
I found sobriety and sanity in Alcoholics Anonymous.
Sharing meetings with fellow addicts in AA and NA is the healing balm for many of us .
Good luck on your choice of recovery programs.
Bob R
I found sobriety and sanity in Alcoholics Anonymous.
Sharing meetings with fellow addicts in AA and NA is the healing balm for many of us .
Good luck on your choice of recovery programs.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Sober State
Posts: 1,126
Good for you. What's done is done. You can't make a new beginning but you can make a brand new ending. Hang in there. It will get better with time.
Sorry about your friend. You can honor their life by living a satisfying sober one for yourself.
Sorry about your friend. You can honor their life by living a satisfying sober one for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 117
Perhaps you should go back to the doctor that prescribed those to you, tell him what's happened and what's going on with you, sounds like you might need some professional help with the grief and addictions.
Eatting that bottle and then drinking followed by heavier drugs, sounds self destructive...even if you don't remember it.
Eatting that bottle and then drinking followed by heavier drugs, sounds self destructive...even if you don't remember it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Corinth, TX
Posts: 490
Thank you for your post. That sounds like it could be me - or any of us - if I'm not vigilant. Actually, that has been me and I definitely feel your pain. You are not alone. You did 13 months that is so awesome and you don't ever have to go back out there again! Sending you good thoughts and (((hugs)))
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