Scott231

I will try and be as brief as I can. I really dont consider myself to be an alchoholic but I guess I might be , I have been drinking anywhere from 2 to 4 tallboys of malt liquor a day for the past 6 years. I always thought I could quit. My blood pressure is getting high and my tolerance is quite high. I have told myself I would just stop " for the fun of it " before but always find an excuse to have a beer or two ( and sometimes that really is all I have ) . But I promised my grandma I would quit drinking for 2 months if she would take her medicine.
Something feels wrong , im anxious all day , my heart is pumping like a racehorse and im super irritable. I can stop thinking about drinking a beer. What's worse is that all my friends want me to come out to the bar with them. I want to go but I dont to start drinking or tell them im trying not to drink. I couldnt show up and not drink. I cant get it out of my head !! and the past 3 days havn't been any better. Can't I just have one or two beers ? Really would it be that much of a setback ?
I want to quit to honor my promise with my grandma and for my health. But I dont want to quit drinking really , I love to drink with friends and I really like beer just like some folks like art or cars. I wish I could have both. I set up a reward system that at the end of 60 days I would take my first flying lesson thinking that would help and I set up little rewards every two weeks thinking that would help and be encouraging . Its not .... I dont give two cahoots about that stuff right now. The very fact that i'm having these symptoms and thoughts and struggling so bad must indicate I have a problem. How do I get the thought out of my head ? Is one or two beers really that freakin bad ? Thanks for any support. If someone wants to send me a private message to correspond I wouldn't mind. If you arent very smart or well educated please dont bother ... im a pain . Thanks.

Dee74

Hi Scott

I couldn't Scott - it was never one or two beers for me - and I'd be surprised if it's that way for you either

Alcohol changed me. I ended up realising I could be the man I wanted to be, and live the life I wanted to live - or I could drink...but I couldn't do both.

If you want change you need to make changes I think. I had to make a lot of changes in my life, but they were definitely worth it

The early days are rough for everyone - but you'll find a lot of support here.

Please see your Dr if you're worried about your health too - detox can be rough for some of us.

Welcome
D

Bledsoe

Welcome to SR.

Great, honest first post.

I got the thought of drinking out of my head by going to AA. The compulsion, the want, the need for alcohol.

Is one or two beers bad? Not at all. But for me, an alcoholic, yes they are.

Some questions we can only answer ourselves.

Stick around its a fantastic site

Anna

Scott, you can't have just one or two beers if you're an alcoholic.

And, if you don't really want to stop drinking, then it will be very hard for you because it takes a lot of motivation.

You might want to check with a dr about the physical symptoms you're having. And, it sounds like you're becoming aware that stopping drinking means big changes in your life. I hope you choose to live a sober life.

Scott231

Why cant I have just one or two ? I feel like I could stop after that ? Sometimes I do get carried away , I dont know. Maybe its best not to test the fates. I just dont want to miss out on good times with my friends. There is so much to give up. It almost doesn't seem worth it. Maybe I dont want it bad enough yet but at the same time I would rather get ahold of it now rather then when I have liver failure , a heart attack or get in a wreck and hurt someone I dont know. Im so wound up right now

Sapling

Hey Scott...I used to say I drank because I liked it...Didn't want to miss the good times...What it came down to was...I honestly didn't think I could do it...I destroyed a major part of my life...It wasn't until I admitted my problem to myself...that I was an alcoholic...That I could do something about it....I waited way too long....You don't have to. I'd look into some kind of program...Put your all into it...Use this site for support and change your life...Because it will get worse.

Scott231

Did any of you just have like 4 - 6 beers a day ? I mean do you really have to be hung over in the morning and puking to be considered an alcoholic ? I just get a good buzz everynight ... although it is everynight. I dont wake up all screwy or drink at work or anything. I guess im just confused . Thanks for any and all advice .

Sapling

Yeah...I drank four to six beers a day...And that turned into twelve...And eighteen...And a case plus a day...It is progressive Scott.....It sucks facing the fact you've got a serious problem...It cost me everything to admit it...That's worse.

DisplacedGRITS

If not having those beers really is driving you that mad isn't that telling you something? Isn't that addiction? If you really want to honor your promise but the lure of alcohol is driving you crazy then consider that you may have a problem and you may want to seek help. Heart palpitations and irritability are common signs of withdrawl. They can stick around for a while. Read around here and keep posting. Lots of good, solid advice to be had. Welcome. You're among friends.

Dee74

Noone can make you do anything you don't want to do Scott.

I didn't want to give up my life or my friends either - I thought that one day I'd just magically drink without consequences....so I pushed my doubts and fears to one side and gradually those 6 packs a day I was drinking became 12 packs, and then that became all day everyday drinking.

Believe you me, I wish I'd dealt with the problem sooner rather than later.

I'm in my 40s now...my healths never going to be the same again - and all those 'bros' I fought so hard to keep in my life - they all disappeared once I stopped drinking anyway.

I have real friends now - friends who look out for my best interest like I do for theirs.

I'm guessing you're younger than me - and noone wants to be different, or an alcoholic - not even at my age - much less at a younger age...but I really hope you can look beyond the immediate and think carefully about what you want the rest of your life to be like, Scott.

Don't waste 20 yrs like I did, man.

D

DisplacedGRITS

Also, try to not compare your addiction to other people's. A person drinking a few beers a day can be just as addicted to alcohol as someone drinking a liter of vodka a day. It's very personal.

Spawn

step #1

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.

Scott231

I really appreciate all the support. This " step 1 " business. I've heard about it I just dont believe it " controls " me. I drink it , it doesn't drink me or go to the store and buy me. I dont know what to do , this is really tough to get out of my head it's like somebody saying " dont think about a red ball " and this red ball makes you happy and you enjoy it and your friends do too and it's readily available but you cant use it. And if you think about it you want to and if you try not to think about it the more you think about it. I guess its as they say " one day at a time " .

epskie

Hi Scott,

I don't think the 'red ball' is really making you happy though; it lead you to this site and it's calling your name all day long when all you're trying to do is honour a promise to your grandma. I think you truly know the answer to your questions yourself - good luck and give AA a try xx

Dee74

You may find something like AVRT suits your mindset better Scott:

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

D

hypochondriac

Yep, me. Isn't that bad enough? Shouldn't I be here? (I did have some gin on the side too, is that better?)

I'm not considering the 'alcoholic' thing too much. I think that question caused me more problems. Like the question...'do you ever give up for a period of time just to prove you can?...then you may be an alcoholic'...Okay, no problem, I'll just drink everyday like it's not a problem and I'm not an alcoholic. So I did. I occasionally questioned it but managed to ignore the problem for a long time. The only thing I knew about AA was the first step and there was no was I was powerless, I was in control, I just liked drinking. I never drank in the day, didn't get withdrawals til towards the end, I don't even think my drinking progressed apart from nights out where I'd use it as an excuse to drink uncontrollably. But there is NO WAY I would ever drink again. It's the emotional dependency that got me and is probably going to be the worst thing to recover from. Yes physically I was deteriorating but that's what years of drinking will do to you. Emotionally I was a mess for many years but it was mainly booze. Now I'm out of that cycle I can start working on it in a more rational way. I still enjoy my friends company without booze btw.

Welcome to SR

langkah

Nice you made the commitment to your Grandma to stop for 2 months, that shows you care about her a lot.

Since you like to drink a bit you're experiencing a loss and wondering if it was the right thing to do. Your choices now are to miss drinking a bit and keep the faith with your loved one or to break your word to her.

2 months is not long to put up with a little discomfort before going back to your normal couple of cans of malt. If your word is good, hang in there.

DisplacedGRITS

You may have a problem, you may not. It's up to you. I've found that we all seek recovery in our own time. It's good that you are feeling things out now and testing the waters. If you feel you have a problem and are ready, dive on in. If you're not ready, just know that recovery will be always be waiting for you. Just don't wait too long.

foodie1

I don't think our alcoholism is measured in the quantity we drank, but in the inability to stop. I convinced myself I didn't stop because I didn't really want to, that if I'd really wanted to stop, I could.

I "only" drank 1-2 bottles of wine/night, never drank during the day, held down a good job, etc. I started a new job and didn't want to be hungover my first day, so I didn't drink that night. When it was hard to make it through day two without alcohol, I admitted right then and there that I was an alcoholic. That I was powerless over alcohol. That's all that's required to be an alcoholic.

12skiptomylue

oh my word, I SOOOO relate to you!! I am sober 29 days today, and if you are interested, you should go back and read some of my first posts. I was saying this exact thing!!!

Over the last 29 days, I have come to a lot of realization. Sometimes, it really was only one or two beers. Not a big deal, right? But I was drinking every day. I was drinking when I felt happy, sad, lonely, angry, stressed out, overwhelmed, cause other people were doing it, etc. I'm not a big person, so sometimes one or two beers was all I needed to get somewhat of an effect. I ALWAYS drank for the effect, to change myself or change whatever feeling I had at the moment. To feel like a normal person.

I also realized when my sponsor asked me to write out my alcohol history from first drink ever to 29 days ago that there was a lot that I wasn't seeing. Things WERE being effected by my alcohol use. I still have a job, I am graduating grad school in May with honors, I still have all my friends, all my family. I've never been in the hospital or jail. I've never had a DUI (mostly by luck). BUT, I still have a REAL problem.

29 days ago, I decided to quit for 30 days, wipe the slate clean, and go back to being a "normal" drinker. But what I found is that I started fantasizing about beer, like you explained. I also had the thought of "it's probably because I am making too big a deal out of this and that's why I am fantasizing about beer". Like your red ball analogy. But very, very little by little, I am coming to recognize my problem and obsession. I am NOT a normal drinker. Normal drinkers do not obsess about beer/alcohol.

Lots of people on here have told me, "if you think you have a problem, you probably do". My honest response was: bulls**t. However, reading your post make me see this from a new perspective. You have come to a place where people identify as alcoholics, asking, "is this really a big deal?". I did that EXACT same thing! That makes me believe that there is some small part of you that knows something just isn't right. Listen to that small spot. You may not be an alcoholic. But even if you are not, it doesn't negate the fact that some small part of you brought you here, and believes that something is not quite right. Listen to that! You can trust that.

I would encourage you to go to an AA meeting. You can go and just listen. You don't have to identify as an alcoholic to go. People are SO welcoming and SO excited to help another person on their journey of finding out if they have a problem or not. No one will convince you one way or another. They were once on that journey, too.