healher

Hi- I am 53 days sober. Was feeling pretty good till this past week.Experiencing anxiety and sleeplessness and huge fear-mostly obsessing on my ex- bf and his fabulous life. I read a great deal of AA stuff, attend a meeting every day and am working with a sponsor but man is it hard inside. I know I shouldn't be resentful of others' wins and successes and need to be careful of the self pity factor but it just all seems so unfair! I feel I work and feel and dig in and its just more misery to handle. Getting bored with it and feeling morbid. Guess I should seek some gratitude. I found this site when I was looking at my own arrested emotional development because of drinking and drugging. My inner 3 year old hurts!! Any thoughts from y'all on early sobriety angst? Wahh!!

IndaMiricale

Well I have 101 days,, and I know it took me 7,300 give or take to get here. So obiviously one still out weighs the other.

Being the alcoholic that expects such instant gratification when I want it. Take it easier on yourself. Your doing great.

Scolova

My anger was at everyone, especially those who can 'control' their drinking. I still get bitterness out of the blue, but it's much more manageable and not nearly as often.
Congrats on 53 days and stick with it.

sugarbear1

Glad you are here!

desertsong

The 3 year old in me always wants to say "It's not fair!" that other people can drink normally and I can't. It used to make me feel sooooo deprived and sometimes it still does. Boo hoo.

But the grownup in me reminds me that there are worse things to be deprived of. I certainly don't mind being deprived of the hangovers!

Jitterbugg

Hi Healher, I can relate about the 'ex' obsession. My drinking brought about the demise of my relationship and I entered rehab shortly after the break-up. It's not that I harbor any feelings for my ex-gf as I don't think I was ever really in love, but I'm bothered more by the fact that her life is so much better and happier without me. We still have mutual friends and I see pics of her new BF and life on Facebook. I guess it makes me sad that I am struggling to put my life back together while she has never been happier. I hate wallowing in my own self-pity...I need to snap out of it!

healher

I love this forum! I felt better almost the second I was able to vent with some like minded souls. And its a miracle to get responses so quickly . . .
How about spaciness? I'm misplacing where I put things-like when I smoked weed. Is this a thing you all deal with?

healher

Hey jitterbug- You are brave to keep her/ them on your FB at all, (IMHO) I blocked him and a few people b/c I don't really need or want the details in my brain. I sometimes struggle with the fact though that I need to face up to those things but honestly also feel protective of myself in that regard. On good days (or minutes) I can use it as an exercise in overcoming that codependent strain in me that goes "outside" myself for direction, and validation. Sigh- its a journey, huh?

macknacat

healher- you are so right to do the vent thing.... my journaling in early recovery was such a cool way to turn my 'tape loop' OFF! not only that, but later on I could look back on the writing and see that - lo and behold- this or that situation was not nearly the Big Drama i had been sure it was.
And it sounds like you know [or are hearing] the reality- don't compare my insides with others' outsides. keep my side of the street clean. this too shall pass. etc.
They may all sound kinda quaint and trite but thru my 16 yrs in AA/NA - well- turns out they are Very True... Very Important

freshstart57

I know my short term memory had issues while I was drinking. I think what happened, when I quit, was that I was able to become gradually more aware of my memory issues. I took this as a sign that I was starting to ask more of myself now, higher expectations of myself than when I was in active addiction.

The good news is that while my expectations of myself continue to rise, my abilities to meet them are increasing too, so that I am almost caught up. My memory has improved a lot and the spaciness has all but disappeared. Sometimes though I find that I will finish a sentence with the wrong fusebox.