lucylestrange

Hi all. I'm going to try this again...for what feels like the millionth time. Quitting, that is. I feel like I've been on this site before but when I asked for my password to be re-sent it didn't recognize my email, so maybe not. Anyhoo.

I'm an alcoholic. My Dad was, my Grandparents were and no doubt countless others in our family. My sister is an addict (meth, pills), active and living with our Mom and destroying her home and sapping away all her money. My Mom obviously is co-dependent.

I binge drink, going a couple days without and then for whatever reason (good news, bad news, stress, nice weather, storms, depression) I decide a few beers is a great idea and sit down to polish of 10-12 and then going to bed. I wake up ok-ish, function ok-ish that day (though I work from home, so it's easier). I also take a very small dose of Paxil for anxiety/panic attacks over the last year since an accident in which I snapped both bones in my lower leg (sober! what are the odds!).

My drinking has increased steadily since my Dad died 4 years ago of cancer. I think it has become my way of retreating from feeling. I work all day between my business and being a Mom and home owner...some nights I think I just reach for a bottle as a way to force myself to take a break. It used to be a reward, one beer every Friday night..maybe a part of me still clings to that concept. But it's not a reward, it's killing me. My body hurts, I've gained weight (having a broken leg last year didn't help that either), I'm forgetful and just completely ashamed and miserable.

Anyway, I'm not a meeting person, I'm not a religious person either and have some social anxiety which is part of why I run my business from home. I am hoping to find some friends here who can relate to me to talk with as I try (again) to quit. So hello, and thanks for being here.

stillsleeping

Hey girl, and welcome to SR, again maybe!

Still xx

lucylestrange

Thank you! I'm doing some reading right now to try to get a handle on this.

RevivingOphelia

Welcome, Lucy!

hypochondriac

Welcome lucylestrange, I'm a Lucy too x

stillsleeping

Reading here? Good place to start. It's pretty much what got me moving in the right direction

Hey Ophelia! xx

stillsleeping

...and hello Hypo xxx

flutter

Welcome

desertsong

Welcome, Lucy! You will find much support here.

lucylestrange

Thanks. I'll be honest, I've tried the meeting thing and I really can't handle speaking in front of a group....the terror paralyzes me to the point that I'm unable to focus and benefit from what others are saying. I know there are people who are adamant that meetings are the only answer but it's just not for me. That said, I'm going to start therapy once I establish who/what my insurance covers (for this among other issues which no doubt contribute to my drinking). Just reading posts here today has helped!

doggonecarl

Actually, the meetings (by themselves) aren't the answer. The path to sobriety in AA is through working the program, which are the 12 steps. The meetings just provide immense support from people who have been where you are.

And they don't require insurance coverage.

There is more than one to get sober. But don't exclude them before you tried them. Good luck.

Change4good

Welcome Lucy! Sounds like you are on a great path. A counselor can meet you where you are, and that might work better for now if the thought of meetings and speaking publicly is anxiety producing.

We are here for you as well. I am VERY early in my sobriety (9 days), but have really benefited from everyone here. In many ways, it has been what has held me up.

stillsleeping

Hey again,

I don't go to meetings, but I have a lot of friends here who find huge support there. I'm pretty sure (someone correct me?) you don't have to talk until you're ready.

And you're not alone with the public speaking fear thingy - apparently it's the number one fear, ahead of actual death. Incredible.

So don't be scared. I'd guess most people felt a bit nervy when they first went...

xx

lucylestrange

I have tried meetings, and met some very nice people....but what I know about myself is that that terror I feel while I'm sitting in one leads to me not wanting to go, which leads to feeling disappointed in myself for failing which leads to giving up and drinking. It's not for lack of trying, I just know it's not for me.

lucylestrange

True. I've developed a bit of a shut in mentality. I have a hard time interacting with people at all if I don't know them....this is part of what I want to address with a counselor, because it's only getting worse.

Change4good

Like stillsleeping, I don't go to meetings either, but I know from reading here that many find them to be lifesavers. *For them.* The important thing is to find "your thing." Consider looking at the secular forum, or reading about other's journeys. And possibley, you may find AA is for you as you are further along in recovery.

Regardless, wishing you well.

lucylestrange

Thanks...off to look at that forum!

janiebluebird

Hi Lucy, my problem with drinking and the solution is extremely similar to yours. I am a binge drinker on the weekends and functional during the week days for the most part. I decided to get sober after a bad drinking binge in early February and I lasted until March 17 when I caved and went out with friends for St Patricks day and got bombed of course. Although I was able to stay sober for over a month with the help of this site (the longest I've gone not drinking since high school), I realized that it wasn't enough for the long term. HOWEVER, I have tried to go to meetings on several occasions and I get SO nervous that I don't go in- like paralyzing fear. I drive to them and can't get out of the car, I start to panic in a way that I can't even talk myself out of it. Talking to people who I don't know is uncomfortable for me and I am a naturally private person- I'm not really into talking about myself (or my problems) to many people. I am still considering *trying* to get myself to go to a meeting. I completely relate, though, to how you don't think you benefit in the meetings when you get so nervous- this happens to me when I have to talk in front of a group of people as well. I did make an appointment with a highly respected addictions counselor in my area, so I am hoping that can help me to sort things out and stay with this in the long haul. Face to face support is important, so I'm still not ruling out AA, but the large group atmosphere makes me very uncomfortable. Maybe I'll come around for it. Good luck- def make an appt with a counselor!

hypochondriac

I think I'd be too scared to go to meetings too Lucy, though I did get as far as looking up where my local meetings would be. In the mean time why not try something that doesn't require meetings like AVRT

Otherwise, I'm sure I heard somewhere that you can do online meetings (I could have just made that up though...)

Glad you're here x

harleyq

Hi Lucy,

Your story is so much like mine. I don't think everyone needs meetings, but most need regular practice/effort to stay sober. Be it AVRT or S.M.A.R.T or other self-help readings/websites , I think whatever the program, you have to work it. Meetings are a way to do that but I'm not sure they are the only way. But whatever way you chose, work it. I got lazy and complacent and got bit in the butt.