lucidelusions

Hi,

I'm 29 and pretty much for the last 10 or so years I've been unable to escape the vicious cycle.

ATM my preference is for Ice. The gateway is always alcohol.

From the age of 15 I've slowly crept through the drug food chain from alcohol, cigarettes to a heavy dependence on weed. Found myself with exctacy whilst dabbling in amphetamines. Got over the daily weed addiction, and seemed to be getting on track.

About 4 yrs ago I lost a relationship that was admittedly toxic but meant everything to me as my personal family life is a joke.

From then I started to smoke speed which led me to find Ice which is by far the most dangerous place I've been.

Problem is, one side of my life is ok. I'm studying my second degree. Holding down (just) a decent paying job but I'm miserable.

I have chronic sleeping problems, and no real ability to get a loving relationship in my life. I constantly find that I'm juggling the week to week financial situation and have no assets.

The only time I find freedom is drugs which scares the **** out of me. I'm worried I'm going to just continue through this state of flux until I die.

I've tried NA and AA they are not for me. So I'm here. Day 1. Praying to whoever I bloody can that I can find some sort of strength or peace within to move past this phase of my life.

Literally, the only thing holding me back from the dwelling and pity in this stagnant life I live is to find a way out of this mess.

So ive come here to try and find some support. Cheers to anyone that can offer words of advice right now.

2granddaughters

Well, you took the two recovery methods that have worked for me for decades right off the table so I will just say "Welcome" and all the best.

Bob R

Leemzer

It was a tough pill for me to swallow (no pun intended) for me to realize that I was highly functional academically (made straight As my whole life, including college and a graduate degree) but totally out of control substance-wise. I recommend you trying to see these two as not mutually exclusive. I had to get over it, and I wish I could have sooner. I just always figured, what's the rush, I am making perfect grades and so this all must not really be a problem. Whoa but it was. Try channeling that excess energy you have that is not sapped by school into healthy pursuits that ARE mutually exclusive of using, like exercise (Yes, I know people exercise who have addictions, I have done it too, but it is not easy and does make you more focused on health). By the very merit that you are here this morning, this says a lot. You have intent. You just need to delineate your purpose, then create an action plan. Good luck!
Leemzer

harleyq

Hi Lucid,

I struggled with AA, but I found something great with Smart Recovery. It gave me the power to make changes.

lucidelusions

I should also clarify then that I've trained 6 days a week for the last four years with psychopathic intent.

To 2granddaughters, I can appreciate that those support groups work, most of my fathers side of the family has been there. I'm not going to pick apart the ideology behind the groups as they obviously work but unfortunately, I tend to disagree with certain aspects of the programs. I won't offend by delving further but if you were curious to know more then I'd be happy to throw a few questions your way.

Image101

Hi lucidelusions,
I take it you've been using methamphetamine/speed until today (correct me if i'm wrong). I'm sure you know how the withdrawals feel; NO hope, no energy, no motivation, just a very, very empty feeling inside. I think this is going to be the most difficult part for you; that empty feeling makes it very easy to return to drug/alcohol use.
An insidious characteristic of addiction is it's ability to convince you that you do not have a problem so long as you can hold down a job/get a degree, etc. Don't be fooled!
Anyway, I know what you mean about drugs providing the only freedom you know. It's very hard to break the habit initially, especially with something as potent as methamphetamine.
Why didn't you like AA/NA? I don't follow the 12 steps and tend to tune out the overly zealous 'spiritual' AA folk, but NA/AA can be a great way to meet other people trying to get sober. Having a good social network is very important for many people.

lucidelusions

I found with AA that my issue is that I'm not an alcoholic it's more the gateway so I found it hard to relate. That is not to say that I'm still in denial. I'd be more than honest to say if I was an alcoholic, it's been a way of life in my family and extended family. I just have other drug dependencies. But where does alcohol fit in with the NA program.

The spirituality I can accept with both programs my issue is that I tend to see that the dependency becomes the programs themselves. Which leads me to doubt the programs. I would have thought that there has to be an exit strategy, not a 'here for life' mentality. I'm obviously generalizing but my interpretation was that people didn't let go (dwell). I find that the dwelling is what won't allow me to move on. It's not ignorance. I genuinely found the stories and the reminders as detrimental to any positive gains I'd make with sobriety. Im not in denial, nor Is it than I am unwilling to concede, I purely got depressed in the programs as I couldn't see the point where I was going to feel strong and healthy enough to go it alone.

Sapling

I go to meeting because I love them...There is something beautiful about seeing someone walking through those doors that was me when I got there....And being able to give back what was so freely given to me. It keeps me sober....I look back at the hours a day that I put into drinking during my 35 year drinking career....What is an hour a day for me?

jolinda

Welcome, IM not an addict, but a wife of a meth addict. You may be thinking your holding down a job and things arent so bad. But my life and my familys life has been destroyed by this drug. When it first started he still was workingat a job he has had for 25 years. To make this short , he lost his job, lost his vehicle, losing our home, sold or pawned everything we had, and has lost his family. I just thought, seeing the other side of this my help you see what could happen. Never in a million year this would be happening. Everyone who knows him cant believe he has done this. So get off that s**** before its to late and it happens to you. HE ISNT EVEN LOOKING FOR HELP, at least u are. Good luck

lucidelusions

You make a good point sapling. I guess I haven't looked at it from that perspective. In all honesty, and I would like to stress that it's not out of an unwillingness, but I'm not a 90 meetings in 90 days nor is it a matter of an hour a day as that is not something I could always contribute. I guess it's a matter of giving what you can. Like most that have walked through the doors, in the early days it's easy to get lost in the meetings. Its not about social phobia or not feeling a part of the programs but its finding a way into a network that works for you. Unfortunately, for some reason if I drift early I just draw my own conclusions and turn away

Sapling

It's not only about the meetings....The 12 steps are the program of recovery....It's a spritual program....I needed a lot of work in that department.....I had none. Find something that works for you....That's all that counts.

langkah

Keep trying as hard as you possibly can.

sugarbear1

I make about 2 meetings a week right now. The real solution is in working the steps. I'm currently advocating listening to Sandy B. on xa-speakers.org. XA-Speakers - The lights are on! Here's Sandy on step 11, he gives a warm welcome (as always) to the newcomer.

Meetings exist so the newcomer may find us. Sometimes we hear those stories as people are trying to relate to the newcomer, sometimes we speak those stories because we are the newcomer and don't have other experience to share.

Sandy talks about each of the steps, as recorded weekly back in 1994 when he led these Saturday Morning meetings. Again, the steps are the solution, but really need to be worked with a sponsor who knows the steps and can guide you through them. When the AA textbook was written, there was a lot of discussion and editing by the first 100 people...It's kind of choppy in the way it's written and the steps are discussed in and out of order throughout the book.

Take a listen, at least you'll stay sober for 45 minutes today!

AVRT is another option (rational recovery). SMART recovery also works and there's SOS, LifeRing, and even Women for (or in) Sobriety (um, not for you, I don't think ).

Stay strong and stay stopped!

lucidelusions

I'll give it a listen now... Thank you

lucidelusions

Definitely worth listening to. Will use that site for other recordings. This might sound like a ridiculous question but what is NA position on alcohol? I mean I could do without the booze but in essence it is not the problem. If I've ever been to NA I just assumed it was everything.

Sapling

I believe they consider it a drug.

Dee74

Hi LD

If you have problems with 12 step that you find intractable, I'd give SMART a look - they might be more up your alley?

SMART Recovery Australia |

I'd also recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach - you'll find a few threads on Rational Recovery (AVRT) down there which many of our members are using.

Welcome to SR

D

instant

I only surrendered when I was despairing- I was beyond desperate. When I was desperate I was still looking for an angle.

I think the surrender had to be unconditional. I still do. I learnt very quickly that it meant not running away from any discomfort.

My degrees and high paying job only offered me the "evidence" that my problem was not that bad. I did recognise my demise was only a matter of time.

OCDDan

yea, if ya google faces of meth, you'll see good reasons to quit, it's pretty disturbing tho