SSIL75

It wouldn't occur to me to put effort into keeping someone like that in my life, honestly. Manipulating, tricking him into thinking you're going on a date etc. What a pyrrhic victory. Waste of time! Put the energy into packing. You don't owe him sh!t and you know it!

Lost3000

Thanks for coming back and writing SASA. I'm so glad you feel better. Sleeping on things always makes me feel better. I can see why you'd have such guilt and problems leaving him. I remember wondering if I'd have to leave my husband after an argument about a bar event. Someone asked me if I was willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober and the answer is yes. I guess this is part of formulating a new life. I wish you luck. You've been so strong before, I think you'll find your way with this too.

georgemiller

I understand SASA. It probably is not helping to have a bunch of internet friends telling you to ditch your guy. They have your best intentions at heart, but I know it is easier said than done for some people. I didn't get out of a 5 year toxic relationship even with close friends and family telling me it was no good. I married a lady 10 years older than me when I was 19. We got a beautiful daughter out of it, but other than that I look back and wonder how I put up with her nonsense all that time.

I was breadwinner, and she was happy being the bully. She would always beat me up mentally, and it was terrible. Yet, I did not want to be alone. I convinced myself I loved her, but questioned her love for me. Finally, after getting incredibly hammered (Don't do this lol) I told her to get out and move in with her mom because I was done. She left, but didn't take me seriously. I was dead serious, and I held my ground. It was the toughest thing I have ever done, next to giving up liquor, which I have yet to do. However, my divorce finalized 2 months ago and slowly but surely, I am moving forward and despite my disbelief, I actually have met someone else who likes me for me.

I would have handled the scenario like you though. Go out, eat dinner, see a movie. Unfortunately, alcohol would still be involved for me, but that is no option for you. 13 months is incredible, and your relationship should never be anything worth losing your hard-won sobriety over.

GrowingDaily

It's hard to divorce yourself from emotion when you're on the inside of a toxic relationship. We base our actions on past feelings, unable to view the reality of the now. Unable and unwilling to swallow the harsh reality of our situation.

I drowned myself for years in such a relationship (her cheating, lying, etc). And I see now that it was a subconscious effort to preserve the status quo. Deep in my heart, I knew that drinking was the only way I could stomach the lack of love I subjected myself to daily. Somewhere deep inside, I knew that if I quit it would mean 'waking up', at which point I would be unable to continue on with her. And let's face it - ending a relationship - even one such as this, is painful. So I dulled the pain daily, and pretended there was love where there obviously was none (pro tip: people that cheat on, especially multiple times, don't love you.)

Self-respect can be scary. It forces you to make hard choices. But trust me, the rewards are so very worth it. There are tons of people out there - like my loving wife - who truly care. Who will love you with every ounce of their being. Who will support you fully in your effort to recover. They wouldn't have it any other way. They're out there. It's just up to us to choose them.

10 years will not be wasted if you both learn from the experience. And you both will. There's not really any way around that. I believe I was meant to be in the relationship I was. If I wasn't, I don't think I'd fully appreciate what I have now. What you'll have in time as well.

When I look back, I realize I wasn't perfect either. We both contributed to the problems we had. But guilt doesn't solve anything, nor does it turn back time. At some point, you just have to chalk it all up to experience, realize things will never be the same as they were or you want them to be, and move on - better for the experience.

gr8fl2aa

I would suggest considering laying out some boundaries, as well as goals and consequences.

Try and make them as mutually acceptable as possible. This may require some compromises, as long as they are agreeable (and would not harm your sobriety), nothing wrong with that.

If he is willing to work with them, great.

If not, move on, and my prayer would be that no bridges are burned from either of you.

I've been married 27 years, learned a thing or two about compromise.

Good luck

SASA

Thank you all, I will consider it. The 1st thing is he will leave for 1 week and we will see how it will go ( travel). Than he also must travel in end of May for 3 month and this will definitly show me where to go. I am not afraid to be alone. I love being alone with my cats..... So we will see what the future will bring. I will keep you updated.