Pixie48

Hi everyone. I really need some help. I joined here a little while ago after a humiliating night of bingeing. As usual, a few days passed and I was back at it again. Every time I drink i feel so much shame the next day and I swear that I'm going to stop. It doesn't take long for me to forget about all of that and drink again. I've been like this since I was 16 (I'm 22 now) and I don't know how to break the cycle.

I drink 2-3 times a week and once I start I can't stop. There are several reasons why I drink, but a big one is that I am painfully shy. Alcohol makes social situations so much easier for me and relieves my terrible anxiety. However, because I'm so quiet and reserved normally, it is very noticeable when I'm drunk and I get very sloppy and tend to make a fool out of myself. So I wake up the next day with that awful feeling of shame, anxiety and sadness. Not to mention I get hangovers from hell..which you'd think would be enough to stop me. Nope. Nothing stops me.

I have been suffering from a chronic illness since I was about 15. I only recently got diagnosed with lupus and am having a very difficult time accepting it. Alcohol makes my symptoms so much worse, but during the time while I'm drinking...I feel great. I have been told not to drink for several reasons. 1-It's too hard on my body which is suffering enough as it is. 2- I suddenly started having seizures (related to lupus) and alcohol lowers the seizure threshold. And 3- I am on medications that should absolutely not be mixed with alcohol.

Writing this out, I am realizing how foolish I've been. Why am I doing this to myself? I have used drinking to medicate myself for so long for so many reasons. It's so hard to picture living without it. I know I need to stop before I do serious damage to my body. The thing is..in a few days I will "forget" that I am an alcoholic and blame today's realization on my emotional hangovers. I don't know what to do. I feel completely powerless over this. I have more than enough reasons to stop but I just....can't. I've sworn so many times that I would not drink again and I always do.

So here I am..hungover as can be. Been throwing up all day and my whole body hurts. I am completely humiliated because I know I was making an ass out of myself lastnight. And the worst part is knowing that I'm probably going to do it again.
I'm sorry for the rant I just needed to get it out. Please...any advice you can give me would be a great help. Thanks so much for listening

BlueEyedBoy

I have been trying to gain some sobreity for a little while now....I have one month so I am no expert, but the thing that helped me was realising I was a) not the worst alcoholic in the world and b) not alone This website inspired me, very early into sobreity (3 days in actually) so go to AA. I was sooooo against the idea "I am not religious" "I am not joining a cult" "What can a bunch of drunks tell me?" Thankfully I was desperate enough to grasp at 'straws'. And although AA is hard...and it IS hard...having people who are there for you to speak to, who know what you're going through, has been a lifeline. Not for everyone, but it is an idea!

Eliasson

Pixie- your story is exactly mine. I honestly could have written your post myself. I have lupus, too. The only difference really is that I'm 46 (have been diagnosed for 4 years). I am only 13 days into sobriety this time, so I don't know how much wisdom I have to impart, but there are so many here who do and I'm sure they will be along soon.
It was very hard because when I would drink, it would help to relieve the physical pain, but the hangovers the next day definitely sent me into a major flare. It was a double edged sword, really. I, too, couldn't stop drinking even tho I was instructed not to because I'm on prednisone, plaquenil and methotrexate. I've known for years I have a problem, you can stop now. Please don't go the next 24 years doing this to yourself like I did, it gets so much worse. Before this slip, I had 7 months of sobriety. I can tell you that being sober is SO much better. My lupus got better, my mood was better, I didn't have to feel that shame anymore. You can do this. It is so worth it! Im so glad you found SR, it has been invaluable to me. I also think its important to have face to face support so I attend AA meetings also. If AA is not for you there are other options in the Secular section here. It gets better, it really does.

Anna

Hi Pixie,

You don't need to go through this again. This can be your last time to feel so bad.

You're right that you are self-medicating to deal with difficult things in your life, and many of us do that. You're not alone and we can offer support.

Dee74

Hi Pixie

In many ways your story is a lot like mine. I drank for social anxiety too - but I didn't become more confident like I hoped I would, I just become loud obnoxious, messy and embarrassing.

Alcohol was not the cure for my social anxiety.

Working from the inside - getting to know myself and being more comfortable with who I was helped me much more than alcohol ever did.

I deal with chronic pain too - alcohol alleviated the symptoms for a few years - then that stopped working too...factor into that the shame and guilt and illness of the morning after and alcohol's not a solution there either. Your DR may be able to help you with other ideas tho

I'm glad to see you back Pixie - I know you'll find a lot of support here

D

Pixie48

Thank you so much for your responses, I really appreciate the encouragement.

BlueEyedBoy- Congrats for your one month! I'm glad you found something that works for you. I have thought about going to AA meetings for a while now, but I'm not exactly sure what's holding me back. Maybe I need more time to get used to the idea that I have a problem (I was in denial until a few months ago). Like you, I am not very religious so that has been a bit of a deterrent for me, but if you can still work around that, maybe I can too. Thanks so much and I wish you the best of luck with your sobriety.

Eliasson- I'm so sorry that you're suffering from lupus too. What a crazy disease, huh? I definitely agree that for the time being, alcohol relieves the pain and allows me to just be normal and not think about it. But the hangovers are so bad, and then I flare up for a few days. I've been very unstable emotionally lately due to this diagnosis. I was happy to finally know what was wrong with me after 6 years of sickness, but I go from happy to depressed to angry and hopeless. Drinking allows me to forget for a little while. I've really been struggling with all of this which makes it so hard to quit. But I'm ready to get healthy and get my life back. Thank you so much for your kind words. Good luck with your sobriety and your health. Kick lupus's butt!

Dee- Unfortunately alcohol makes me a sloppy mess too. I don't know how I convince myself that it gives me confidence. I know that it will take a lot of time and work to learn to better love and appreciate myself. I think that's why I put it off all of the time. Almost like I'm afraid of figuring myself out. But I know that's the only way to get through this.

Thanks again everyone. What a relief to get all of this off my chest

langkah

Interesting that something so awful could propel us past our prejudice into to something good.