RachelNorth

April 2009. Sober 6 months, things good, moved to lovely house, feel good, look good. Happy. Dating guy known for a while, we go to Barcelona for 3 days, he drinks, becomes annoying. I decide best to drink with him! What the hell was I thinking!!!!! Soberity should have been the only thing that mattered to me, the most important. why was I so stupid?

April 2012. Sober 4 days. Finished the relationship in January. Realised couldn;t sober up with him. I loved him. It bloody hurts. Seen him today, he's got another woman and its moving swifty. Thought I was going to burst into tears but kept smiling. Watched him drink several whiskeys and a beer. Then he wanted me back, he wanted to stay, he was still in love. But I know it was the whiskey he wanted to stay for, the feeling he was getting right then. Sad.
That was my life, he fed me booze, (he was rich) and kept me close. Its been the hardest thing I have done.

Watching him today I knew without a doubt it was all the right decision. But I can't stop looking back!! Just take me back 3 years, I'll return from Barcelona, say "hey, you're a nice guy but I need to keep sober and you are a drinker, so long, good luck". Crap.


Thanks so much for this site, don't know how I would be getting through this without all you lovely people. But its hard and Im so bloody scared I'll make the same mistakes again. I'm sick of it.

Sapling

Welcome RachelNorth.....We alcoholics are thin skinned and thick headed...It goes with the territory....I guess you know what you have to do.

SOBERINNEPA

Ah dear. My heart goes out to you.

The good news is, you're getting back on track and you're talking to people. Time needs to pass.

saphira

"Forget regrets or life is yours to miss"...
-- Rent

Anna

Aw, Rachel, it doesn't work that way, does it? And, the thing is, the experience with this man was exactly what you needed, at that time. The Universe always gives you what you need, though not necessarily what you want. There was a lesson for you to learn and it sounds like you're ready to move on. Good for you.

BillyPilgrim

Hi Rachel, I know exactly where you are coming from. 18 months ago, I went to AA, got clean, met lady, she brought 4 bottles of wine to the first meal I cooked for her. No chance. Off wagon, 15 months misery, Got clean again staying that way.

RachelNorth

thank you. Anna that makes sense. I learned how good life can seem outwardly but inside your screaming. I have learned that nothing matters but my soberity, I have learned just how cunning this disease is. Just feeling blue cos its seems like such a waste of time. And if I am truly honest it was horrible.

We went on a all inclusive holiday to Cuba, luxury, no kids, 24 hours booze on tap., every afternoon and evening I thought I was in heaven, every morning I thought I was in hell.

Firehazard

Hi Rachel

Good to have you onboard again and wishing you the best in recovery but the road can be rocky at first. Take really good care of yourself as we say in AA "Easy Does It" Do you have a plan of recovery AA, or other programs, a detox center?

I will serenade you in welcome with a spanish flamenco guitar performance

IndaMiricale

Cunning,baffling,and powerful. Welcome back.

2granddaughters

Rachel, are you attending AA meetings?

All the best.

Bob R in the colonies

RachelNorth

Hi. thanks so much for all your comments. I am seeing a addiction counseller, and using this site. Also got lots of support from long term friends. Not an AA fan, but I will go again, right now I'll try anything. I live in a very rural area, my only meeting (within 25 miles) is sunday evenings at 7.30pm. I intend to go this Sunday. I do feel something has changed. For the better. Just can't face another slip. Thanks again.

BillyPilgrim

I think a lot of us round here who are succeeding are the ones who think something has changed. I have seen that comment a lot of times around this site, and those who make it include those with that feeling. Good luck. AA doesnt suit all, I use AA but get most of my oomph from SR. Take the tools you need Rachel

2granddaughters

Rachel, there are those who can get dry without meetings and those that can't.
Best to know which category you are and take appropriate steps.

I can tell by your posts that you know there is a big difference for us between being dry and being/staying sober.
I wish you the best in your program of choice.

Bob R in the colonies

Hevyn

Welcome Rachel. I'm sorry you were hurt, but it doesn't sound like you'll be making that mistake again. For all the pain you've been through, you've learned something valuable. I did something similar after 3 yrs. sober (drank for 7 more yrs.) - so don't feel that you're alone in making foolish decisions. The only thing that matters is you're back, and more determined than ever to stay on your path.

Congratulations on your 4 days Rachel! You're on your way to a better life.

Bruno1979

Hi Rachel,

You are doing the right thing,

Well done.

Bruno

Bruno1979

Billy,

I know that I shouldn't laugh, but the way that you wrote that has just tickled me,

What wine was it by the way?

Well done on getting clean though mate,

I'm working away in blackpool tomorrow night.

BillyPilgrim

Sauvignon blanc. So glad I am clean again. What you doing in the pool?

CaiHong

Hi Rachael,

I have great faith that you will recover this time around. You showed great insight into your ex boyfriends motives. That awareness and your honesty will put you in good stead towards your recovery.

CaiHong

Dee74

Hi Rachel

I dunno - I think, all things considered, everything that's happened to me - good and bad - has bought me to where I am today and made me who I am

I think you've learned stuff in the last 3 years too, Rachel

D

jobei

Hey Rachel! (One of my most favorite names!)

I hope that all is well with you today! I would definately go to that sunday meeting... I bet it will bring some insight to be around others that don't wish to drink anymore! We're all pulling for you here! Let us know how it's going!