ReluctantHope

Hi! I finally registered a few minutes ago after spending the past few days reading others' recovery stories. It is 2AM and I am now in my 13th day sober! I'm happy that I've gotten this far, but it's been a struggle.

In a nutshell, about 2 weeks ago I got home from work early (12:30) and my husband wasn't due home from work until around 7PM. Although I told myself I was only going to have a couple of glasses of wine, by the time he got home I was hammered. I couldn't even talk, there was red wine spilled all over the place and the house was a wreck. I have no idea what I did to create such a mess. I finally wore out his patience and he gave me an ultimatum. So here I am with no real plan yet. It was much worse than I make it sound, but I will share my story another time. For now I have to figure out how to stay sober.

So all this happened on a Thursday night. When I got home from work on Friday my husband and 24 year old son did a mini intervention on me. While they were having a beer out on our patio! Are you serious? After what I have put him through over the last few years, there was nothing I could say to anyone about drinking. It just seemed very odd. We already had plans with friends on both Saturday and Sunday. I was just so thankful that he was giving me another chance that I pretended that I was fine when he got home with some Spanish wines for himself and our guests to go with this great Spanish meal I prepared. I know I am soley resonsible for my drinking, but I guess I expected a little more support, especially this early on. He either doesn't understand how difficult it is for me or he decided that he's tried to be supportive in the past and he's done. Not sure and I don't think I'm in a position to bring that up at this time.

I can't even imagine the rest of my life sober. I'm so afraid to fail at this. I want to not want to drink ever again, but in the back of my mind I think I'm working towards being able to drink in moderation. I've read enough on these boards to recognize the ridiculousness of the idea.

I tried AA for a couple of weeks about 1 1/2 years ago, but I don't know that it's for me. I may change my mind about that as I do more reading and figure out what works for me.

Change4good

Welcome, and a big congrats on 13 days! That is a triumph.

I am not nearly as far along as you (only day 4), but I have a spouse who is still drinking. It helps me to realize that I can't change anyone but myself. And being "jealous" of others who can drink in moderation takes away the energy I need to focus on what I want to be and how to get there.

You can rely on us for now, and others will here surely assist you in considering other means of support as you begin this great journey.

Congrats again, and hang in there. Glad to have you with us!

Sapling

Welcome ReluctantHope.....Maybe a year and half ago you weren't ready for AA to work...Sounds like now you might be....I went to one meeting once...My ex wife had me go to it...I didn't even pay attention...I was looking at the clock...She left me...I kept drinking another 10 years....Drank myself to the point I couldn't live like that any more....Then I went to a meeting wanting it to work...Got a sponsor...Did the steps...Made sober friends...And haven't had a drink since. I hope something works for you....Because this disease does not get better with time.

MemphisBlues

Hey, RH

There are many paths to recovery, Rational Recovery, SMART, and of course just quitting.

I couldn't nor wanted to quit until my alcoholism progressed to the point that I would die. Frankly, the idea of death didn't bother me that much.

So I crawled to AA for the second time in a decade. I stayed. And I stayed sober, going on 18 months now.

Yes, a so-called intervention while your son and husband had beers certainly sends mixed signals, but maybe your husband isn't an alcoholic and you are?

And I'm not sure AA is for anyone when you sit down and think about it. Who wants to decide that they are such a wreck that they need AA?

I know of no one who has entered the rooms when life was peachy, nothing was going wrong, they just decided to check it out.

If sobriety is what you want -- not what your husband or son wants -- but what you need, if you can say to yourself that you are willing to go to any lengths to stay sober, to find out why your drink to the point of being incoherent in the first place, I suggest you give AA another try.

Find a womae's meeting, go, share that you are new, not sure if AA is for you, but you are trying to stop drinking. That's the only requirement for membership, the desire, not the will or the power, just the desire.

What was wrong with AA when you checked it out before?

Dee74

Welcome RH.

It scary to think never again, for sure - noone wants to have to change their life...we start it think 'is it really that bad' ans make all those deals with ourselbes - for some of us tho, we have to accept it is really is that bad.....

Forever was scary for me too - so I took it a day at a time - a daily vow to do whatever it took not to drink today, & I renewed that vow every day.

A day seemed less momentous, more achievable to me - eventually the days mounted up and forever started to seem more attainable a proposition

You're not alone - you'll find a lot of support here
good to have you with us

D

instant

RH
welcome to the club. I have learnt that hope exists when I no longer believed it is possible.

Staying on track has meant me understanding and committing to the view that it is my relationship with alcohol that needed to be sorted out. There are always other issues to focus on, situations people etc. They are a distraction and I have done better by focusing on what goes right rather than what goes wrong, or does not suit me.

langkah

Interesting that after the blowup and years of trouble your mind is telling you a drinkie is a good idea. If you believe you can counteract your mind and be certain that your reality is actually something other than what you'll occasionally believe to be factual then that's all you need do.

When you're certain that one will not hurt in the least and that you never really had a problem at all, and nothing ever bad happened from your drinking, and all you need to do is be careful this time, then just change your mind and believe the opposite is true. Or leave yourself little post-it notes all around with the truth about things to read when you're sure it's otherwise and then you'll be as right as rain.

If you can't seem to do that for long then getting effective help is indicated.

One difficulty with alcoholism is that we can easily see things correctly for 21, or 213 days and then we believe utter lunacy is the actual truth of the matter instead of what was so clear and apparent to us for so long, winding up drunk and in another disaster yet again on the 214th day.

But, go with whatever makes sense to you that will overcome that. Always good to find lots of people who have found success for more than 12 years doing the thing you are considering doing, as about anything will work short term, and the choices that work long term are limited. Assuming you don't care to go through this every few months or years.

Some alcoholics prefer to do that, not entirely sure why.

FlyerFan

Welcome!

BillyPilgrim

Welcome RH you will find a lot of help and support here. The people who have been here longer than me have a lot of wisdom. You will get answers sometimes not the ones you want but the ones you need. If you are serious and your husband wants you to stop he needs to give you the support of not drinking in front of you for now. God knows it is hard to quit you don't need the devil on your shoulder as well tempting you
BP

stillsleeping

Billy's right. Okay, so maybe your H isn't an alcoholic so having a nice beer in the garden isn't a problem for him, but while he's telling you to clean up or get out? Honey, that is harsh. I'm all for the intervention if it'll save your life and your marriage, but he's going to have to do some research on how this move is going to change his life too.

You said that you're scared at the thought of the rest of your life with out booze, h*ll, even your user name suggests a certain amount of 'they're making me do this...' you are going to need his help.

And ours. And that's the nice bit, because we're lovely.

Quitting booze is hard. And most of the alckies that post here found the thought of never drinking again terrifying. But most of us are recovering, and determined not to fail, because (whisper it) ...being sober is actually better. Harder, but better.

Don't be scared. And hang out with us as much as you can, especially at the start. We'll take care of you

xxx

BelizeDiver

Hello RH, Welcome to the SR site.

I am on day 14, I received the same ultimatum from my wife. She put up with me for 26yrs (20 of drinking) and had enough. First off, yes its a very very hard choice but worth it. Not for him but for you. When my wife gave me the ultimatum I was tipping on the fence (drinking or marriage) hmmm that's how alcohol effects us. I then played out in my mind the future of being alone with my bottle, hmmm, not a good ending in my mind so when I made the choice it was based on the ultimatum but ultimately the choice was for me to live a better life for me and her. I love my wife and always will but I realized I had to learn to love myself (still working on that one) it may take years but each day I gain a little more respect for myself and it feels great. One day at a time and you will rise above it.

BD :ghug3

SOBERINNEPA

One thing you'll hear people say, "Alcoholism is a family disease." And our lovely friend from Brighton is right. Your husband can be a great source of support. If he doesn't get with the program, he can also be what derails your recovery.

I'm not saying you can't get, and stay, sober while living in a household where there's people drinking. You can. But it will make your early sobriety very, very difficult.

I hope you and your husband can work together to create a scenario where you can succeed. Best wishes.

2granddaughters

ReluctantHope:
I know just how you feel. Very few of us true alcoholics want to get sober, it goes right against our grain.... AA is the last place we want to end up.
For me, AA was the very place TO end up. Once I got over the fears and listened to the oldtimers I knew I was right where I belonged and started feeling right at home.
I wish you the best on whatever program of recovery you choose.

If you hang around in AA for a while, you will have to change your username to ExpectantHope !!

Bob R

IndaMiricale

and Welcome

Spawn

to the family

LDT

Good Morning Reluctant! My early sobriety was very difficult because my husband ( who does not and never has had a problem with alcohol) kept drinking. For some stupid reason it was important to me for everyone around me to feel as if nothing had "changed", so I insisted that they continue drinking around me if they wanted to ( I assume a lot of us do that ). But the truth is that it made those early months SO much more difficult. But I stayed the course and didn't relapse.......fast forward many months and many therapy sessions later and I can tell you the most loving thing my husband ever did for me was quit drinking himself. I truly hope you and your husband can get on the same page with your sobriety.
It helps!

RevivingOphelia

I'm not too far ahead in terms of sobriety--16 days. Just here to welcome you and know that this site and its good people have a tonne of support and advice to offer.

Congratulations and welcome!

Hevyn

Hi ReluctantHope! It's scary to think we can no longer have something that was once fun & relaxing. Alcohol was my close companion for 30 yrs. I remember thinking life would be so boring and monotonous without my buffer. What was really boring was me being in a constant fog.

It sounds like your drinking is becoming dangerous & unpredictable. You intended to have just 2 glasses of wine - but once that first drink hit your system, there was no control. It took me many years to finally get that. It does feel like a struggle in the beginning - but as you get used to your new life it will get much easier. You'll begin to enjoy being free from your addiction. There is life after alcohol - you can do this.

ReluctantHope

I posted a reply earlier, but I don't see it. I hope I can remember everything I said. I apologize if it ends up a duplicate.

Thank you all for the warm welcome! It went a long way to make me feel comfortable. I appreciate everyone's input and support. Today I had some time to reflect on your replies and where I am on this journey. This is what I came up with.

1. In a weird way I have a sense of relief that I was given an ultimatum and that the truth about the amount of my drinking all came out. Although my husband has known that I have a problem when I do drink, I know he didn't realize how often. He's been working nights for about 2 months and I was drinking 2-3 bottles of wine while he was working.
2. Although my initial motivation to get sober was my love for my husband and our marriage, I can honestly say that I want this for myself. I don't know that "ready" is the proper word here, but certainly willing.
3. I think I will look into SMART. I remember now what I didn't care for about AA, but I am willing to give it another try. Maybe I will start with a women's meeting as suggested. I had attended a few meetings within approximately a 2 week period and I had not done any sharing. On a couple of occasions the person leading the meeting called on me and asked if I would like to have a turn. I declined, but I remember being mortified that all eyes were on me and expecting me to say something. I wasn't there yet. Now this next part is petty and insignificant in the grand scheme of things, especially when people are staying sober because of AA. It kind of bugs me that the material seems so out of date. I tried reading the Big Book, but I couldn't get through it. I would really like something more contempory, but that is simply a preference and I can get over it. For now, SR is what I need to get me started and used to sharing.
4. I should have chosen a more positive user name! Today was the first day since I stopped drinking that I actually felt hopeful that I can do this.

eJoshua

Welcome to SR!

I certainly know what you mean about the support you are receiving from your family. They sound like they care about you and are well intentioned, but they just don't understand what you're going through and don't know how to support you.

I found that I had to go to meetings with others in recovery in order to really get the support I needed. I need to talk to people that have been where I have and struggled with the same stuff. Being an alcoholic, or problem drinker, or whatever you want to call it, seems to really alter your way of thinking and it's hard for those that don't struggle with substance abuse to understand our predicament.

Lots of people have gotten hung up on the fact that the AA big book is outdated, so don't feel embarrassed to feel that way. I think there is a lot of truth in that book but I can understand if someone were to have a hard time relating to it. The real benefit you get from AA, in my opinion, comes from working the steps though. The book is good and the meetings are great, especially early on, but in the end what has kept me sober is focusing on my recovery by doing step work.

I'm glad that you decided to sign up and thank you for sharing your story. You sound like you have a really open mind and you are willing to do what it takes to stay sober, so I have great faith that you will fight hard for your sobriety and for some peace in your life.