I must be a newcomer if I'm having these thoughts
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
I must be a newcomer if I'm having these thoughts
So I had dinner with an old friend today, yes an old drinking buddy. We have both either slowed way down or in my case stopped our drinking and drugging and were discussing how we are so happy to be done with that and that we wish there were a way to partake without excess and the attached consequences.
While, I'm not giving up the idea that I am an alcoholic, I did have some thoughts.
I know now that emotional sobriety, a spiritual awakening, conscious contact with God, and a 12 step program are what I need to feel happy, joyous, and free. I know now that I started drinking at the age of 9 and completely lost myself during the next 16 years. I know now that my thinking has been completely screwed up and that I am spiritually sick. I am not chemically dependent on alcohol yet but I know that I am predisposed to this condition.
Now, could I not get the same relief from doing the 12 steps of alanon or ACA? Could I not possibly lead a life where I am spiritually fit and drink once a month or so? Could I not heal from my self-destructive ways and therefore not drink to excess?
I don't have a problem with AA, but I am curious if my problem is more ACA centered less alcohol centered? Please don't tell me to go drink and see what happens because I know what happens. I am sick and will drink to excess if I went out now. But I guess my question is if anyone ever worked through there issues in other 12 step programs and found that they were less concerned with alcohol?
I know what this sounds like but any genuine insight is appreciated
While, I'm not giving up the idea that I am an alcoholic, I did have some thoughts.
I know now that emotional sobriety, a spiritual awakening, conscious contact with God, and a 12 step program are what I need to feel happy, joyous, and free. I know now that I started drinking at the age of 9 and completely lost myself during the next 16 years. I know now that my thinking has been completely screwed up and that I am spiritually sick. I am not chemically dependent on alcohol yet but I know that I am predisposed to this condition.
Now, could I not get the same relief from doing the 12 steps of alanon or ACA? Could I not possibly lead a life where I am spiritually fit and drink once a month or so? Could I not heal from my self-destructive ways and therefore not drink to excess?
I don't have a problem with AA, but I am curious if my problem is more ACA centered less alcohol centered? Please don't tell me to go drink and see what happens because I know what happens. I am sick and will drink to excess if I went out now. But I guess my question is if anyone ever worked through there issues in other 12 step programs and found that they were less concerned with alcohol?
I know what this sounds like but any genuine insight is appreciated
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
I had a lot of 'underlying issues' that I thought I'd found a solution for in drinking and drugging....but I also developed a drinking problem over 20 years (In fact I believe I was probably always alcoholic - drinking was always about getting wasted for me, right from a little kid)
5 years down the track, even after I've worked on those 'issues', I'm still an addict and alcoholic, IMO.
I know full well what would happen if I 'tested the waters'...I have 2 decades worth of 'data' to prove it
D
5 years down the track, even after I've worked on those 'issues', I'm still an addict and alcoholic, IMO.
I know full well what would happen if I 'tested the waters'...I have 2 decades worth of 'data' to prove it
D
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
If I am being completely honest with myself I think that my old friend was trigger for my disease to start ticking away. I know how bad it gets and I don't want to risk it. I'm sad to say I may really need to stop seeing my old friends, I get too many wise idea's around them.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
For several years after the big book was written the term “ex-alcoholic” was used. It was later changed to “ex-problem drinker”. The simple truth is that alcoholics permanently lose their ability to control the amount of alcohol they consume, once they have any at all. Self-honesty about that is vital.
Random Guy
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: America
Posts: 2,034
A couple of weeks ago I wrote what follows, I am using AVRT as my method so it comes from that point of view but I figured that maybe it would help with your quandry. It might be easier if you swap out "beast" with "disease", but I don't know much about AA except what I have read here on SR.
I hope that helps.
Originally Posted by InsertNameHere 
So on to powerlessness after that first drink. This I absolutely believe in, I think that even in AVRT after those first few drinks our defenses fall, our commitments waiver, and our promises are forgotten. According to AA this is because we are powerless. I have not read the book enough to remember if this is covered but what is to follow is going to be my opinion based on what I have learned. I say that after that first drink you are indeed less powerful, alcohol dulls your senses, it clouds your judgment, it "releases you inhibitions". Why is that in my opinion? Because it lets the beast take over in a way. No the beast cannot actually control you, it is no puppeteer but in an inebriated state your human mind is glossed over and the beast takes far more influence over you. You now agree with it more, you listen to it when it says something will be fun, you listen to it more when it sees an attractive member of the opposite sex; you listen to it more when something angers you. Absolutely (once again in my opinion you have lost control but the beast did not take it from you alcohol did. It is proven that alcohol changes the way in which your brain functions and doesn’t it make sense that if the brains higher functions are impaired that it would have to resort to using lower ones? Cue the beast to emerge and say what is right and what is not. If you have been feeding your beast for as long as most here then one of its larges priorities is more drink! I think that it may be possible for someone to drink that first one and say no after that but in most cases I doubt it. "Normal" drinkers do it all the time but for those of us that fed our beast for years, once the door to the cage has been cracked, the beast will slip out and any amount of control we had to cage it again has been lost by alcohol numbing our wits.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by LiveLikeGold6
If I am being completely honest with myself I think that my old friend was trigger for my disease to start ticking away. I know how bad it gets and I don't want to risk it. I'm sad to say I may really need to stop seeing my old friends, I get too many wise idea's around them.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
For an alcoholic, one drink separates us from our conscious contact in our spiritual life.
If ACOA or another program would help you, go there, too. I worked the 12 steps and now understand my part in my youth, whether it was my behavior or being an actual victim. I currently don't have issues with my past; It was.
Today I am living in the moment, one at a time. Part of my spirituality includes living in this moment in time and being totally present in Now.
Do whatever it takes to work your spirituality. Remember, once we cross that invisible line into drinking without control once we've had that first drink, more often than not, we can't return to "before" that time and drink moderately....
If ACOA or another program would help you, go there, too. I worked the 12 steps and now understand my part in my youth, whether it was my behavior or being an actual victim. I currently don't have issues with my past; It was.
Today I am living in the moment, one at a time. Part of my spirituality includes living in this moment in time and being totally present in Now.
Do whatever it takes to work your spirituality. Remember, once we cross that invisible line into drinking without control once we've had that first drink, more often than not, we can't return to "before" that time and drink moderately....
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
All program are great NA CA , whatever helps you. And those 12 steps work for everything in life not only drinking.
Stay on the beam, congrats to mommie to be.
Stay on the beam, congrats to mommie to be.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,826
I'm an acoa with a drinking problem. I know for me that I can't heal my acoa issues if I'm drinking. So for me, whether alcohol is primary or secondary, I will never drink again. My life is blossoming in so many good ways.
At 13 months sober today, I feel that life is so big and alcohol is a tiny speck.
Wishing you peace and happiness and a wonderful rest of your pregnancy and a healthy new baby and healthy you!
I am personally touched every time a sr friend tells me about how they are being a great parent now that they are in recovery. I have high hopes for these lucky loved kids.
At 13 months sober today, I feel that life is so big and alcohol is a tiny speck.
Wishing you peace and happiness and a wonderful rest of your pregnancy and a healthy new baby and healthy you!
I am personally touched every time a sr friend tells me about how they are being a great parent now that they are in recovery. I have high hopes for these lucky loved kids.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Corinth, TX
Posts: 490
I've had the same thoughts you had. If only there was a way to keep drinking (responsibly and moderately) and still get the benefits of a 12 step program, life would be perfect. I've been in and out for 20 years, back this time for hopefully the last time and for only 9 days, and I'm here to tell you, it's just not possible. You are right where you need to be. Keep being true to yourself!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by LiveLikeGold6
I know now that I started drinking at the age of 9 and completely lost myself during the next 16 years.
Sure sounds like an alky to me.
Tell me, how many NON- alkies do you know that lived like that ??
You know how our minds work!! About 20 yrs ago I read an article in a paper or magazine where somebody said something like "1% of alcoholics could be restored to social drinking".
My FIRST THOUGHT WAS "THEY ARE TALKING TO ME !!!" Yeah, Right !!!! Bob, the social drinker..:rotfxko
My life is very comfortable now knowing that I am indeed one of the 99% ..
All the best.
Bob R
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
Update
Today was quite interesting. I ran into a really old friend whom I stopped being friends with when I was 16. We used to get drunk, high on coke and weed, and rob people and more together. When I was 16 I got transferred to a new high school and I took the chance to reinvent myself by quitting all substances cold turkey. My "friends" (including her) quit me. I did great, went to college, etc but obviously found my way back to drink and more.
Anyhoo, we caught up and she told me how at that turning point it was all down hill for her and a few others. She ended up a crackhead, so did a another friend who is now homeless and still on crack, another girl had a kid became a prostitute and lost her kid to cps, another girl is in jail for life for shooting a guy in the head while robbing him.
I was so taken aback by all this news. The girl who I had run into had a kid and stopped the crack so I told her I was so happy for her and thanks to God. She gave me her number, I have her a ride, and we parted ways.
I decided to delete her number.
I went to a meeting today, had some great conversations, and picked up a commitment. I feel that we were meant to run into each other today. When I came home I had a big sense of gratitude walking into my apartment where I feel safe and comfortable. The sober life is mine for the taking.
Anyhoo, we caught up and she told me how at that turning point it was all down hill for her and a few others. She ended up a crackhead, so did a another friend who is now homeless and still on crack, another girl had a kid became a prostitute and lost her kid to cps, another girl is in jail for life for shooting a guy in the head while robbing him.
I was so taken aback by all this news. The girl who I had run into had a kid and stopped the crack so I told her I was so happy for her and thanks to God. She gave me her number, I have her a ride, and we parted ways.
I decided to delete her number.
I went to a meeting today, had some great conversations, and picked up a commitment. I feel that we were meant to run into each other today. When I came home I had a big sense of gratitude walking into my apartment where I feel safe and comfortable. The sober life is mine for the taking.
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
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You know, sometimes my brain starts making similar arguments, twisting logic to make it sounds like I could somehow be a "responsible drinker" now that I'm dealing with the root of my problems. Then I start to rationalize my future drinking, saying to myself "well, I'll have to learn how to drink like a normal person someday if I want to have a social life." or something along those lines. Then I start fantasizing about going out on the town and having a cocktail, and living a fun life drinking out with friends and meeting people. Maybe drinking to get drunk now and then, but I would really be in control of it this time, right?
Then I remember that "normal" people don't sit around all day trying to rationalize their drinking, thinking about drinking and fantasizing about drinking.
And then I remember that alcohol is such a small and insignificant part of real life, and that me literally risking my life in order to justify putting a chemical in my body and losing control temporarily is an insane idea that no person in their right mind would even contemplate.
So I don't know if you're like me, but if you are then you will see if you think it through that this just doesn't make any real sense in the end.
Then I remember that "normal" people don't sit around all day trying to rationalize their drinking, thinking about drinking and fantasizing about drinking.
And then I remember that alcohol is such a small and insignificant part of real life, and that me literally risking my life in order to justify putting a chemical in my body and losing control temporarily is an insane idea that no person in their right mind would even contemplate.
So I don't know if you're like me, but if you are then you will see if you think it through that this just doesn't make any real sense in the end.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Between Tampa and Orlando, FL
Posts: 48
It's the tricks our addicted mind tries to play on our rational mind. That voice that says... "just one" or "you kicked it for several days/weeks... you can always do it" Tell that inner voice "NO... I don't NEED IT!!!" If you don't it'll get to you at some point and you'll give in.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
How uncanny that one friend could make you think about moderate drinking, and then another comes along and makes you realize how grateful you are for recovery - all in one thread!
I still have occasional times of uneasiness that "feel" like a desire to drink. I think it's because of all the thoughts of drinking and memories I stored up in my brain....... they're just going to pop up from time to time.
Next time you have thoughts of drinking "once a month" come here and we'll talk you out of it!
I still have occasional times of uneasiness that "feel" like a desire to drink. I think it's because of all the thoughts of drinking and memories I stored up in my brain....... they're just going to pop up from time to time.
Next time you have thoughts of drinking "once a month" come here and we'll talk you out of it!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 64
Those rationalizing thoughts can be tricky. It's the minds clever way of convincing you to give it what it wants. I'm still at the beginning and I have those thoughts every day. My only advice is to think through the drinking and think about where it'll take you tomorrow, next week, next year, etc.
I've had those same thoughts about how I could possible be cured from obsessive drinking if I just got my underlying issues settled. I still think it's all just tricky, addictive mind games. I'm not going to play with the fire and you probably shouldn't either.
I just read your update so grats on coming full circle. The universe sure does have a cool way of working things out for us if we just keep our eyes open and our minds quiet.
For what it's worth, I parted ways with a friend that I used to do illicits with a few years ago. His parents still live right down the street from mine. He's been in and out of jail and abusing drugs this whole time; about ten years. My folks saw him deathly thin and walking the neighborhood streets with a big bag just a few days ago. It's sad but cutting ties with your user buddies is a necessary step.
I've had those same thoughts about how I could possible be cured from obsessive drinking if I just got my underlying issues settled. I still think it's all just tricky, addictive mind games. I'm not going to play with the fire and you probably shouldn't either.
I just read your update so grats on coming full circle. The universe sure does have a cool way of working things out for us if we just keep our eyes open and our minds quiet.
For what it's worth, I parted ways with a friend that I used to do illicits with a few years ago. His parents still live right down the street from mine. He's been in and out of jail and abusing drugs this whole time; about ten years. My folks saw him deathly thin and walking the neighborhood streets with a big bag just a few days ago. It's sad but cutting ties with your user buddies is a necessary step.
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
You're so right dreamingdog. For the friend's that keep in contact with me regularly, just 3 now, I have to do it without making a mess in my spiritual house.
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